


It's Just Medicine

by Abbdabb



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Competition, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Homophobia and Abuse, Hurt, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian, Lesbian AU, Lovers to enemies to lovers, Medical School, Medical School AU, Medical students, Slow Burn, abuse mention, angsty angsty angsty!!!, rivalries
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:42:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 96,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24801769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abbdabb/pseuds/Abbdabb
Summary: When Jackie got accepted into Queen's Medical School, she felt as though she was on her way to becoming someone that her mother could be proud of. She had studied hard, stayed focused, worked diligently, and it was paying off. However, a drunken night threatens to unravel the illusion of perfection that Jackie created for herself, and inadvertently creates a powerful rivalry between Jackie and a certain beautiful blonde girl in her program.
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Comments: 597
Kudos: 267





	1. Pick It All Up

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I am now officially Drag Race trash and I have multiple fics on the go at once. This is an idea I have been playing with for a while now, and I am feeling really excited to finally share it. Please let me know what you think if you're so inclined!
> 
> A few things!
> 
> A general CW for homophobia... especially internalized homophobia. That is more or less the theme of this piece. 
> 
> This story also takes place in Canada, eh? The only reason for this is that I am personally, a Canadian lesbian majoring in Health Sciences, so I know a lot more about our medical schools than American ones! I don't think it changes anything about the story. Just so you know where I'm coming from when I use Canadian colloquialisms, like affectionately calling our trash coffee chain "Tim Hortons" "Timmies", and other such things!
> 
> So, here we go!
> 
> Cheers.

“A toast to the Queen’s University Faculty of Medicine, class of 2026! May the next four years allow you to become our best and brightest” The emcee spoke passionately, raising his glass to the grinning guests filling up the hall. Quickly, the room erupted into cheers and excitement. Jackie looked around the room, surveying the faces of her soon-to-be classmates, professors, and advisors. Her mother had insisted that she attend the first year mixer, despite her protests. She already would be attending all of the orientations and was not one for lavish, self-congratulatory events. A gala celebrating her future accomplishments seemed so masturbatory to Jackie. As far as she was concerned, the most difficult part of the journey so far was just about to begin. She clapped and cheered along with her peers, but couldn't shake the anxious pit that sat in her stomach when she thought about the future. Although, that anxious pit was almost always present.

It wasn’t as though she wasn’t excited to be attending medical school at Queens. On the contrary, it had been what she had been working for as long as she could remember. Getting into her first choice school on her first round of applications was the cherry on top of her finishing top of her class when she completed her Bachelor's degree in Biology. But that just meant the real work was about to get started. Jackie was a perfectionist and was prepared for the next four years to take a toll on her. She was also expecting the demands of her perfectionist mother to take a similar toll on her. Celebrating how much work and strain was ahead of her seemed useless, especially in the form of a black-tie mixer. 

“Jacqueline,” her father had said when she protested going to the mixer. “What’s the harm in going? At least meet some professors and make a few friends in your program. You know, a major part of any career is networking. Who you know is often as important as what you know!”

So, regardless of how she felt about the whole charade, Jackie was clapping along with the emcee of the event. She offered a wide smile to the students that were also assigned to sit at her table. The group were all very friendly and polite, but Jackie didn’t see herself making friends with anyone there. As they began a conversation about their desired specialties, Jackie excused herself to the washroom. Everything felt very overwhelming, as the young introvert would have rather celebrated quietly with a few of her friends, instead of engaging in the spectacle. Upon entering the washroom, she took her lipstick out of her clutch, touching it up in the mirror. She played with her dark curls that were styled in a way that framed her face. At least she knew she looked nice, she thought to herself as she smoothed out the black dress she wore. It was simple, floor-length, sweetheart neckline, and hugged her curves - but only slightly as the dress still needed her mother’s approval. Jackie continued to fiddle with her hair and dress, not looking away from her own reflection when she heard the bathroom door creak open. 

“Hot in there, eh?” The woman said with a nod in Jackie’s direction. 

“Mmm,” Jackie agreed, turning her head to see who was talking. She met the eyes of a blonde woman wearing a floor-length, soft, fitted lilac dress with a slit so far up the left side that it made Jackie anxious for the girl. She offered Jackie a smile before taking up residence in the mirror beside her. The girl held a clutch that was completely covered in silver sequins, taking out a pale pink lipstick.

“It’s a lot,” the girl said. Jackie wasn’t sure if she was speaking to her, or just speaking in general. 

“Yeah,” Jackie agreed. The girl turned and smiled.

“I mean, I know the point of this is to make friends, but I feel like everyone is being so disingenuous. Like, why is everyone greeting me by telling me their name and what school they came from? I super don’t care! We all made it here, regardless.” Jackie laughed when the girl spoke. It was beginning to seem like she may have found a kindred, cynical spirit. 

“Imagine in everyday life if people greeted you like that?” Jackie finally contributed to the conversation.

“This is why I hate med students,” the girl laughed.

"Are you a med student?"

"Of course. The self-loathing runs deep," the girl tossed her hair and offered Jackie a warm smile.

“I think that's part and parcel of studying medicine," Jackie nodded. "We are so smart that we want to show off, but we hate anyone else doing the same thing."

"See? Exactly! That's me to a tee! I'm Janice Mantione, McMaster University," she said with a faux-stuffy and self-important voice. "But really, I'm just Jan."

“Jacqueline Cox, Queen's University, but definitely call me Jackie,” Jackie said, reaching over to shake hands with the girl. Jan had extremely soft hands that warmed Jackie’s cold hands up slightly. 

“Well, Jackie,” Janice began. “What do you say we go out there and you can tell me a bit about yourself over a vodka soda. My treat.”

“It’s an open bar,” Jackie said drily.

“Exactly. I’ll buy you as many drinks as you’d like,” Jan said with a snort. 

**

The next morning, Jackie could feel as she started to wake up that she was going to be profoundly hungover. There was a distinct, throbbing pain behind both of her temples. Her mouth felt dry. It was extremely effortful for her to move or open her eyes, so Jackie elected to do neither for a few seconds. She groaned as she reached out to her left, expecting to find her bedside table, her glasses, and her phone. Instead, she felt flesh. There was someone beside her. Jackie jumped up, looking around the room that she now realized was not her own. 

“Hey sleepyhead,” Jan said. She was already sitting up in bed, playing on her phone. Jackie quickly scanned around the unfamiliar room. The walls were a soft blue and the curtains were an ivory colour that matched the bedding she was laying on. The furniture was a light wood and the air smelled like clean laundry and soft cotton. Everything was inviting, but Jackie felt her body switching into fight or flight mode. 

Memories of the night started to flood Jackie’s brain. Mentally, she had left the soft room and had entered the night previous. Her mind wandered back to the seemingly endless shots, pinning Jan against the wall in the entrance of her apartment, and the passionate kisses the two shared. Jackie’s head began to spin when she remembered the way Jan gasped when Jackie decisively unzipped the beautiful dress Jan had been wearing. Jackie could still taste Jan on her tongue, she could still feel her fingers tugging hard on soft, blonde hair while Jan was between her thighs, and she still could hear Jan crying out while Jackie was inside her. Everything was replaying in a jumbled, confusing scene in Jackie’s aching head. She slept with a stranger. A girl stranger.

“What the fuck,” Jackie groaned as she sat up quickly, moving to exit the bed.

“Good morning to you too,” Jan laughed.

“Fuck,” Jackie said, rubbing her cold hands against her temples. “Where’s your washroom?” 

“Down the hall,” Jan said as she cocked her head toward her door. “I do have roommates though, so if you want to borrow my robe, it’s hanging on my door there.”

“W-” Jackie hadn’t realized until Jan had pointed it out that she was only wearing the panties she had worn the night before. Her eyes bulged as she lunged for the robe, covering her breasts awkwardly. Jan quietly laughed, reminding Jackie that she was already familiar with  _ those  _ as Jackie’s face grew to be as red as possible. She wanted nothing more than to disappear.

“You don’t do this often?” Jan inquired. 

“First time,” Jackie muttered as she grabbed her phone off what she assumed was Jan’s vanity. She wandered down the hall until she found the washroom. Closing the door as quietly as possible, she sat down on the edge of the tub, dialling the number phone number of her best friend. 

“Bonjour Jacqueline!” Her friend Nicky said happily into the phone. Her French accent sounded so lovely when she said Jackie’s full name, so she was one of the few people besides Jackie’s mother who was allowed to call her by it. “How was the mixer? Must have not been that fun if you’re calling me this early. Although, maybe it was fun since you didn't answer my texts all night! Did you end up staying at your parents' house?”

“I think…. I might have slept with someone,” Jackie said tentatively.

“What?! Are you serious? What do you mean you think?” Nicky asked, incredulously. She had known and been best friends with Jackie for the duration of their undergraduate degrees, eventually becoming her roommate when their respective degrees were finished. But she had never known Jackie to sleep with random people. In fact, Nicky had not known Jackie to have sex very often, at all. It was something their small friend group liked to tease her about.

“Well,” Jackie said quietly into the phone. “I am in a bed that isn’t mine, in an apartment that isn’t mine, and I had to borrow a robe because apparently I slept naked.”

“You dirty girl I’m so proud!” Nicky gushed.

“I’m in her bathroom right now. I don’t even-”

“Her?” Nicky asked, sounding tentative and surprised. 

“Yep,” Jackie said.

“Sacrebleu Jacqueline, what does  _ that  _ mean?” Nicky asked softly. Jackie knew that none of her friends would be judgemental, but she was judging herself. Nothing about the situation was sitting easily with Jackie. 

“This was a huge mistake, Nicky. This is not something I need to deal with right now! I am starting med school in a few days.” Jackie whined into the phone. “This was not the time to start doing this kind of thing! I really need to focus.”

“Who is she?”

“Her name is Jan… Janice something. I can’t remember.” Jackie cringed.

“Jacqueline!” Nicky gasped.

“What do I do?”

“Is she cute?” Nicky asked, innocently.

“Stunning. But, not the point right now!” Jackie exclaimed emphatically, but still quietly, in case there was a chance that she would wake whatever roommates Jan had referenced. “She’s in my program, Nicky. Like, we met at the mixer. This is very bad.”

“You fucked a hot doctor girl? That’s very sexy.” Nicky giggled, trying to help Jackie look on the bright side.

“Nicky! Focus, please. This is my first one night stand and it was an extremely bad decision. This is your area of expertise and I need your help right now. She is awake and we kind of spoke. Not really. I think she’s a morning person. She was so fucking pleasant. And either this wasn’t her first one night stand or she’s slept with women before because she was very calm about the whole thing!”

“Just tell her you had a great time and that you’ll call her later,” Nicky said.

“I’m not going to call her,” Jackie yelped.

“Well don’t just announce that!” Nicky said emphatically. “Just say you’ve got to go.”

“I don’t even know where I am!” Jackie was starting to breathe heavily and anxiously. It hadn’t occurred to her just how out of control of the situation she was. The unfamiliar territory was difficult enough for her to navigate, let alone that geographically she was as lost as she was mentally. 

“Breathe,” Nicky said calmly. “You said you were taking a cab last night, yes?”

“Yes!” Jackie said, remembering more specific pieces of the night. “We took a cab here. From the mixer I mean."

“Send me your location, girl. I’ll come to pick you up.” Nicky said.

“You’re a lifesaver,” Jackie groaned as she rubbed her temples. 

“You’ve done it for me a million times,” Nicky laughed. “I just never thought I’d be able to return the favour. I just hope you know I’m calling Gigi from the car. She won’t even believe this. I won’t tell her it was a girl, I wouldn’t out you like that. But I will most definitely be letting everyone know that you’re not our dear, sweet, prudish baby anymore!”

“I thought as much. Thanks, Nicky.” Jackie hung up the phone and looked at herself in the mirror. Her luscious curls from the night before had been tied back into a ponytail at some point. Her eyes were covered in makeup that she had apparently neglected to remove before she fell asleep. She noticed two dark hickeys on her chest as she inspected the skin that was left exposed by the borrowed robe. Her friends would never let her hear the end of this. Jackie eventually walked back to Jan’s bedroom. There were two cups of black coffee sitting on Jan’s vanity and Jan was sitting cross-legged at the end of the bed. The beautiful smile Jan was offering her made Jackie want to cry. 

“Coffee?” Jan asked, gesturing to the cups. Jackie nodded hastily and grabbed the hot mug, letting the burning liquid run down her throat. “I have milk and sugar if you’d prefer.”

“This is fine.”

“Do you want to go for breakfast or something? I don’t have anything going on today and I have a bad hankering for some gross diner breakfast food! My treat, actually this time.” Jan said with a laugh. Jan’s excitement just made Jackie feel more uncomfortable and nauseated. Everything was overwhelming, and Jackie was desperate to cry it out in her bed. 

“I’m alright with just coffee,” Jackie said, her voice was barely above a whisper.

“That’s not a nutritious breakfast, doctor!” Jan laughed.

“It’s my favourite,” Jackie mumbled. “Besides, I don’t want to intrude on your day.”

“It’s no trouble! I had a really nice night and I would like to talk to you without my whole body being filled with vodka. Let me buy you breakfast!” She was relentless. 

“I said this is fine, thank you, Janice,” Jackie snapped. Jan’s face fell quickly. She flinched from the intensity of Jackie’s dismissal. The two women remained in silence for a few seconds. 

“You’re welcome, Jacqueline,” Jan said coldly. She grabbed her cup from the vanity and walked over to the other side of the room. Jackie’s bra and dress from the night before were draped nicely over Jan’s dresser, and Jan scooped them up. 

“Thanks,” Jackie whispered, taking the clothes from Jan’s hands when she got back to Jackie. The two sipped on their coffees silently. There was a lot Jackie wanted to say to Jan. She wanted to thank her for making the night interesting. She wanted to let her know that the bad mood she was experiencing and the tears that she was holding back were not Jan’s fault. She wanted to explain that she felt strange about sleeping with a school colleague and was now wondering what this meant in regards to her sexuality. But instead, Jackie sipped the coffee, trying to stifle what felt like a brewing anxiety attack. If her mother found out...

“Was it  _ that  _ bad for you?” Jan asked earnestly.

“What?” Jackie was taken aback.

“Because I thought we’d had a good night. I know we were drunk but I thought-” Jan’s face was showing more sadness than she intended. Instead of aloof, Jan looked like someone had slapped her across the face. The pain in her eyes made Jackie wince. 

“It was fine,” Jackie said.

“You came three times, I feel like _ fine  _ is an understatement,” Jan said while rolling her eyes. Jan was getting frustrated, and Jackie truly felt bad for making the poor girl upset and being unpleasant. And really, the more she remembered about the night, the more Jackie wished she could articulate to Jan that they had shared the best sex that Jackie had ever had. But that thought carried a lot of weight and led to a lot of things that Jackie wasn’t ready to unpack. 

“Look, it was what it was. I don’t know why you’re making this into a thing. It was just a stupid, drunken mistake. Let’s just move past it and go our separate ways, okay? We don’t have to dwell on this or have breakfast, Janice. Let’s just forget. Please.”

“I-” Jan began, tears filling her eyes. Jackie was disgusted by the way she was behaving. But she couldn’t cry in confusion in front of this stranger, and crying was the only thing she wanted to do. Jackie quickly slipped her bra on and pulled her dress from the previous night on. She looked out of place in Jan’s room. She felt out of place in Jan’s room.

“What do you want from me? A bouquet of flowers? For fuck’s sake Janice, it was just sex, right? I don’t know what you’re looking for. Validation?” 

“Wow,” Jan said, nodding, but glaring angrily at Jackie. “Okay, well. I misread absolutely everything. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t even know you,” Jackie coolly mumbled. “There was nothing for you to misread.”

“I misread you, Jacqueline.” Jan snapped. “See, I thought that we had a fun night, and I thought that we could get to know each other a bit better over fucking pancakes! I thought that you were the nicest person I’d met so far in our program, and we would get along well. Clearly, I made a very big mistake. I didn't realize I was just here to get you off. Thanks for the fun, but you can fucking go now."

“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.” Jackie nodded as she looked at her phone to see Nicky had messaged her to let her know that she was at the address she had sent her. Judging by the time that had elapsed, Jan lived very close to Nicky and Jackie. She quickly slipped out of Jan’s room, regretting everything that had happened since the bathroom the night before. Jackie slipped her heels on, letting one tear fall down her cheek.

“See you in class, Jacqueline,” she heard Jan taunt as the door closed behind her. Finally, Jackie could let herself sob as she ran down the stairs toward Nicky’s car.


	2. And Start Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie and Jan get their first taste of what lectures together are going to look like for the semester. When things are difficult, Jackie leans on her best friends as much as she can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my GOD I can't believe how positive all the responses have been. Thank you so much for all the love you left on the first chapter! I was really excited to share this story and you've all made me feel stoked about uploading more! I made edits to this one a lot faster than I planned...although that tends to happen in my work! I get so lit up on all your positivity that I can't stop writing and editing.
> 
> Rambling. 
> 
> Thank you again for the love! There is a fair bit of homophobia in this chapter so CW for that. 
> 
> Cheers!

If someone asked Jackie why she wanted to become a doctor, she would never tell them that it was because she wanted to help people. It was drilled into her head that she had to give a more creative answer when she was asked in her interview. And Jacqueline Cox had practiced her interview answers so much that sometimes she had to remind herself why she honestly wanted to practice medicine. The idea of helplessness made Jackie feel anxious. The idea that she could be the one to make somebody feel a little less helpless is why she honestly wanted to become a doctor. But that answer was not creative and would never get her into medical school. Jackie and her mother had worked diligently to formulate an answer about a lifelong career involving learning, growth, progress, and a desire to be at the forefront of breakthroughs related to our corporeal form. It really was an excellent answer. It was no surprise that the admissions interview administrators loved it.

Along with her desire to make people not feel helpless, control was one of the other reasons that Jackie was drawn to the medical field. Humans have a lot of things they don't know about their bodies, but things in the STEM field tend to follow rules. A world where every action has an equal and opposite reaction was a world Jackie could understand. Things followed their rules. If you know the formula, you know the answer. A mol is always 6.02214076 × 10^23 of a unit. Jackie did not deal well when things were not black and white. Her mother thought that her desire for control made her look unappealing, bossy, and heartless, so it wasn’t allowed to be in her answer either. 

The person that Jackie had built for her medical school interviews would have made a very good doctor. Jackie could only hope she would make as good of a doctor as that character would have if she had existed. 

Between readings for classes, orientation, and lying to her friends that she was fine, Jackie hardly had time to think about Jan. That didn’t mean, however, that she could actually keep her mind off of Jan. There was no time for her mind to wander to the beautiful woman, but somehow, she found herself consumed. The blonde hair and light eyes were hard to escape. And overthinking was Jackie's hobby, which made sure Jan's laughs and moans still rang in her ears.

Jackie avoided Jan during all of their shared orientation events, and Jackie hadn't planned on attending any senior Frosh Week events, so besides many stolen glances, Jan wasn't in her physical proximity. That was for the better. Whenever Jackie decided to hazard a look at Jan, she was taking notes, making friends, and laughing her adorable laugh. Jackie would have been a dark cloud for her, and she didn't want her confusion to hinder Jan's fun. Nicky and Jackie had checked out Jan's social media pages, so Jackie knew that Jan had been enjoying all the Frosh Week events. A part of Jackie had wished she had been able to join in on Jan's joy, but she didn't deserve that. Not after making her cry. The strategy of avoiding Jan was making things smooth, even if it was difficult. But, the avoidance strategy only lasted until their first official day of lectures. 

"Good morning, Jacqueline," Jan said brightly and sarcastically as she sat down beside Jackie in their first lecture. Jan’s intent was obvious, and it made Jackie’s blood boil. Whether or not it was warranted, Jackie felt herself start to grind her teeth. 

"Not very good at going our separate ways," Jackie mumbled, deciding that if Jan wanted to toy with her, she didn’t have to hold her snide thoughts inside.

"You think you're the only person who wants to sit front row centre on their first day?" Jan scoffed. It was true. The seat beside Jackie was the only one left that was front and centre. Jackie couldn’t help but think that Jan would have sat beside her regardless. Jackie knew that Jan didn’t know how bad Jackie felt. She was aware that poor Jan was just embarrassed and angry. But Jackie couldn’t relent now, especially when she realized that much like her invitation to breakfast, Jan would not relent on her decision to toy with Jackie. And Jackie knew she would have to work harder to get Jan to leave her be. 

"No, I just thought that the front row was for people who took their studies seriously," Jackie said, coolly. 

"Excuse me?" Jan whipped herself over to meet Jackie's eyes directly. "I was top of my class and valedictorian, Jacqueline."

"With those?" Jackie snickered, gesturing to the sparkling notebooks and pens Jan was pulling out of her sequin-covered backpack. 

"Yes, I got into medical school being my authentic self rather than feigning some faux serious, asshole persona. I don’t have to lie to anyone to get what I want.” Jan offered a beautiful smirk to Jan, who cringed under the weight of Jan’s words. 

"You know Legally Blonde was a work of fiction, right?" Jackie retorted. 

"Very original, Jacqueline. I've never heard that one before." 

The bickering was interrupted as their lecture began. It turned out that Jan took her studies very seriously. Whenever the professor had a question, Jan’s pink-polished fingernails shot into the air. She had memorized the material from their texts and was able to repeat it verbatim. It was a talent that Jackie also possessed, so she felt compelled to shoot her hand in the air whenever Jan did. After questioning Jan’s work ethic, Jackie had to prove that she knew the material as well, if not better than Jan. Throughout her undergraduate studies, Jackie often found herself too embarrassed to raise her hand in class. If she made a mistake, she worried that the other students would mock her. She knew the answers - her test scores reflected that. But Jackie still always felt her hands shake when she had to raise her hand or share an answer with the class. 

Jan noticed the competitive way that Jackie raised her hand in response to her. She had to. Because whenever Jan was chosen to answer, she shot Jackie a smirk, even without ever fully looking in her direction. It was giving Jackie butterflies. The tension lasted until the professor dismissed everyone from the lecture. He grabbed the attention of both girls and asked if they would stay for a moment.

“I just wanted to say,” the older man began. “You ladies were a joy to have in lecture today. Many first meetings are silent, but you both know the material so well and I admired that you both were so eager to share. Please remind me of your names.”

“Janice Mantione,” Jan said happily, shaking hands with the professor. 

“Jacqueline Cox,” Jackie said, shaking his hand when Jan had finished. 

“Ladies, every year I offer five incoming medical students the opportunity to get laboratory experience over the summer. It usually takes a while for me to connect with students, but I was so happy to not stand at the front a silent classroom for three hours that I find myself already looking at you both for some of those positions. Keep up the exemplary work. I look forward to this semester.” Both girls exchanged excited glances.

“That would be an honour,” Jan exclaimed, trying to maintain a sense of professionalism.

“Yes, an absolute honour,” Jackie agreed.

“Well,” the doctor began. “I’m sure you ladies have another lesson to get to. Keep this in your minds.”

“Absolutely,” Jackie said. “Thank you, doctor!” Jan repeated the sentiment of thanks as they both excitedly made their way out of the lecture hall. The joy of new opportunities filled both women, but Jackie tried desperately to keep behind Jan so they did not have to engage with each other. The pit of anxiety that Jackie often held in her stomach was growing as they walked and Jackie realized that she would be sharing her next lecture with Jan as well. Jan’s hands wrapped around the door of their next classroom slowly, and she made a minor production out of holding the door for Jackie.

“My, Jacqueline, I thought you had just been walking behind me because you enjoyed the view. But we get to sit together again.” A glint of hurt flashed through Jan’s eyes. Jackie felt a similar wave of sadness, realizing that in another life, she and Jan would have been friends. She and Jan would have happily discussed their laboratory opportunity. Perhaps they would have gone to drink a coffee after their next lecture when they were finally granted a break. But in this life, Jackie would not be given this opportunity.

Their second lecture of the day went strikingly similar to the first. Jan’s perfectly manicured hand against Jackie’s worn hand with stress bitten nails. Jan’s finesse in ending her answers with a light-hearted joke against Jackie’s obsessive level of detail in her answers. Jan’s blonde ponytail bouncing as she spoke with her whole body against Jackie’s dark curls moving back and forth slightly as she moved her head to emphasize her points. Both of them angrily, hotly competing even without knowing what prize was waiting at the end. Another lecture, another impressed professor. The strange thing was, however, that something about their competition gave Jackie a rush. She decided it was adrenaline from getting praise from the people in charge of her grades and decided she was not going to unpack it further. 

**

“It’s okay if you’re gay, Jackie,” Gigi said out of nowhere. Nicky, Jackie, and Gigi were having dinner together at Nicky and Jackie’s apartment. Jackie had finally shared the details of her tryst with both of her friends, and despite insisting that she was fine, her friends knew better. They did not want to overload her and allowed her a lot of time to herself during orientation week and the first week of classes. But it was still the elephant in the room. Nicky and Gigi could only ignore it for so long.

“What?” Jackie was taken aback.

“That’s it,” Gigi said with a shrug. “It’s just… I want you to know that.”

“I don’t want to talk about Jan,” Jackie said, sighing into the pasta that Nicky had made for supper. Jackie enjoyed Nicky’s cooking, but the conversation was making her feel too sick to eat.

“We know,” Nicky said. “And that’s okay. You don’t have to. We just want you to know.”

“It isn’t though, right?” Jackie said quietly, playing with her food.

“Jack,” Gigi began before she was interrupted.

“It isn’t. I’m not.” A few tears started to fall from Jackie’s eyes. Nicky rose to hug her friend, but Jackie dismissed her. Any physical touch would likely make her anxiety spiral further.

“Please don’t feel like I’m attacking you,” Gigi begged. “I don’t know how to address this, Jackie. I don’t want you to deal with these feelings alone, but I don't want to push you.”

“I think I’m done with supper,” Jackie sighed, drying her eyes.

“Don’t go,” Nicky grabbed for Jackie’s hand, but it was tugged away quickly. “Please, don’t push us away. You’ve been cooped up in your room for two weeks. This has hurt you. Please.”

“I know that you’re trying to help,” Jackie relented. 

“Tell us how we can help you,” Gigi said. “Help us know what you need. It isn’t easy. And maybe you need to think it over. But you’re our best friend and you’re in crisis mode.”

“I’m not in crisis mode,” Jackie scoffed.

“You’ve taken more Ativan in the last two weeks than I’ve ever seen.” Nicky was right. Jackie was usually okay with her daily dose of Zoloft, but the unrest she was feeling about her sexuality and the frequent anxiety attacks that were coming along with this unrest meant that she was relying more on her adjunct medication. 

“I just started medical school,” Jackie huffed.

“And we all know that is a contributing factor. A big one. You’re under a lot of pressure.” Gigi nodded and reached out to pat Jackie’s hand. Jackie allowed this expression of physical comfort to occur and gave Gigi’s fingers a small squeeze.

“If my mother found out about Jan,” Jackie started to cry. Gigi and Nicky both grabbed one of Jackie’s hands. They knew that Jackie was correct. Her mother would be disgusted. Jackie being gay would be a deviation from the plan that her parents had for her since she was born. They wanted to show off their daughter, Doctor Jacqueline Cox-hyphen-whatever-her-husband’s-last-name-is who would marry a nice man, ideally another doctor, and have the standard 2.5 kids. She was all set to be their pride and joy. Their golden child. 

“She doesn’t need to know if you don’t want her to.” Gigi had gotten up from her seat to wrap her arms around Jackie. “Nobody will tell her. You know that.”

“I know. But what if I let it slip?” 

“Then we deal with it,” Nicky said simply. “You can’t worry about it now. It hasn’t happened.”

“That’s precisely why I have to worry about it now!” Jackie exclaimed. “It hasn’t happened yet, so I don’t know how to deal with it. I can plan out how I would come out to her, but I’ve been able to list 19 possible reactions she would have. And none of them are good! One is not terrible, but the rest are really bad.”

“You think you might eventually need to come out to your mom?” Nicky raised her eyebrows at Jackie.

“I didn’t have a lot of sex in my undergrad. Or any sex at all in high school. I’m not a prude, I just… I didn’t get  _ there _ .”

“Have you never had an orgasm?” Nicky asked, shocked.

“Not with someone else present,” Jackie said, rolling her eyes. “I just was never super into it. It was fine. I just couldn’t get off. Then I ended up in Jan’s bed.”

“And you enjoyed it?” Gigi asked.

“Three times,” Jackie laughed. The other two girls gasped, giggled, and made little dirty jokes at Jackie’s expense. A moment of brevity was necessary, so Jackie took the jibes with open arms. 

“What if you just like, saw her in secret? And worried about what it meant later?” Gigi asked.

“This is Jackie we’re talking about,” Nicky said, shaking her head. “And she made that girl cry, so I can’t imagine she would be all too excited to hook up again.”

“You made her cry? I thought you just said you left panicked?” Gigi gasped.

“I may have. I may have implied that she was an easy lay that I never wanted to speak to again. And gave her shit for using me for validation. You know, things happen.” Jackie groaned and Gigi gasped again.

“Who are you?” Gigi asked.

“You’ve both met panic-attack-Jackie! She isn’t pleasant.” 

“Especially when you’re panicking about your mom,” Gigi conceded.

“Exactly. She was just caught in the crossfire, and now she hates me.”

“Is this anxiety talking?” Nicky earnestly asked.

“Oh,” Jackie laughed inappropriately. “No, no. She and I have this weird rivalry now. We have a few lectures together and she made it a point to sit beside me in every class and she always tries to outshine me. It’s obnoxious.”

“Can’t you just ignore it? Don’t play into her game.” Gigi said, simply. 

“I can’t!” Jackie exclaimed. “She’s right under my skin.”

“And you’re a know-it-all,” Nicky teased. “Even if you hadn’t gone down on her, you’d be the same if someone tried to look smarter than you.”

“I would punch you if that wasn’t completely accurate,” Jackie laughed. 

“Look, regardless of whatever your sexuality turns out to be, you have us. That isn’t everything and it doesn’t fix anything. But you need to know that with us, you’re safe. It’s okay if you’re gay, Jackie.” Gigi said, wrapping her friend in a tight hug. Jackie knew that it wasn’t okay, but it was nice that her friends were so loving. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact! This is based on an exact way I was offered a lab position when I was in my undergrad. Sometimes, being a know-it-all who answers too many questions pays off! 
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much for reading! I hope this chapter lived up to your expectations! I can't wait to read your thoughts on this update! Leave a comment if you're inclined! 
> 
> Love to you all!  
> Cheers!


	3. You've Got a Second Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A kind professor mistakes Jan and Jackie's antics for friendship, so he pairs them together for a project, hoping to help them produce their best work. The women meet at a Starbucks to discuss mercy and kindness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so excited about the response to this story! Thank you guys so much! I hope you dig this chapter just as much!
> 
> Cheers!

The rivalry between Jan and Jackie continued into their third week of classes, when their ethics professor got the wrong idea. He assumed that the two were good friends, engaged in playful competition in order to help each other. And he found it extremely endearing. So when they had to write their first paper with a partner, he made sure to pair them together, assuming he would get a great piece from them. He was a kind man who loved his job, and since he was still priming them for work in his lab, he wanted to see how they worked together in a written capacity. Jackie and Jan taunted each other when they found out about the assignment, but Jackie fell into a panic attack when she was at home, and Jan cried into her pillow. 

Jan offered her house up for study space when they both came to terms with actually working together. Jackie was very quick to dismiss the idea, knowing that she couldn't focus in Jan's apartment. Jan has seen, known, touched, and tasted too much of her for the rooms to not be stained with sex. Her focus would be on Jan’s lips and on her own anxiety… even more than it already was in general. Jackie counter offered with her living room, but Jan was much too petty to accept. They ended up deciding on the patio of a Starbucks to begin their paper. Both were silently happy to be on neutral ground. 

"Hello Janice," Jackie said coolly as Jan arrived at Jackie's table. In order to calm her nerves and hopefully to irritate Jan, Jackie had arrived at the Starbucks twenty minutes before their scheduled time. Jan arrived ten minutes early, and was discouraged to see Jackie was already there and typing away, sipping on something in a venti cup. "Nice of you to show up. Finally."

"I'm ten minutes early," Jan huffed. Jackie smirked, feeling accomplished. It was sometimes hard to get a rise out of the positive, irritating woman, but when she did, it shot electricity through her body. 

"Mmm, you are." Jackie nodded. "I was going to order you something, but I don't know what kind of toxic, sugar saturated thing you drink."

"I thought you'd remember the way I take my coffee. After I fucked you, I drank black coffee," Jan said with a smirk, partially flattered that Jackie would even have considered getting her a drink. Jackie's cheeks went red, and she found herself hushing Jan. 

"Shut- shut up," she stuttered. 

"Embarrassed?" Jan taunted.

"Of you? Extremely," Jackie snapped. Jan rolled her eyes and went to go get herself a drink. She debated getting an ostentatious frappuccino, just to see Jackie's reaction, but she decided it wasn't worth the money, when teasing Jackie made her just as angry and was free. Jan made friendly conversation with the barista and she could feel Jackie's eyes on her. She tossed her hair and blew Jackie a kiss. Jackie felt her stomach fill with butterflies at Jan's faux flirtatious action, and elected to ignore it.

"Ready to work?" Jan asked as she sat down. She opened her bag and pulled out her laptop which was held in a distinct, purple, glittery hard shell case. 

"I started researching while you took your time getting here. I'm ready," Jackie said with a smirk. Jan pursed her lips and sucked on her teeth. Jackie was getting to Jan today. 

"Right. Of course," she said with a nod. "So, beneficence in health care. That's a super broad topic."

"I guess," Jackie shrugged. "While you were taking your time to get here, I was playing around with a few topics. I think it would be a good idea to tie it to the Hippocratic oath, you know? First, do no harm-"

"But also do some good," Jan supplied. "Yeah, I think that's a good thesis. Usually narrowing down what I want to actually discuss in my papers is the hardest part for me. I'm good at researching."

"Finding adequate sources has to be hard on that laptop," Jackie gestured to Jan's computer. "I assume it belongs to a 7 year old girl, so it's got to have some parental locks."

"Yeah, you need that big basic Mac to prove how serious you are," Jan chided. "Wouldn't want anyone to think you have a personality."

"You have more than enough for both of us," Jackie snarled.

"That wasn't an insult to me. I'm not ashamed of who I am." Jan said with a smirk, returning to her laptop, intensely. Jackie felt tears well up in her eyes. Jan had hit a particularly tender nerve in Jackie, even without knowing. Her intent was to call Jackie boring, but Jackie heard something different. 

"I-" Jackie couldn't stop a few tears from falling. She wanted to run, but she knew that would call more attention to her. She wanted to throw up, but again, leaving to be sick would call attention. And the thought that she was starting to cry on a Starbucks patio pushed her to the edge of a panic attack enough as it was. So she sat, tears running quickly, hoping that she would be able to stop before anyone noticed. Jan looked up from her laptop, and was stunned. 

"Jacqueline," Jan breathed, passing her the napkins she had grabbed with her coffee. "What just happened?"

"It's fine, ignore me," Jackie whispered, wiping her eyes and trying to avoid smudging her eyeliner. 

"I would really like to," Jan said, with a quiet chuckle. "But you're super ugly when you cry. Your face is so red and splotchy. It's disgusting."

"Bitch," Jackie giggled. 

"Look… I didn't mean to, like-" Jan began. 

"Stop," Jackie said dismissively. "I'm stressed in general. It's not you. Please, don't think I would ever shed a tear over you, Janice."

"Right," Jan said tentatively. "Let's just talk about beneficence then." 

"Beneficence," Jackie said with a nod. If she was finally starting to feel less embarrassed around Jan, the tears pushed her right back to square one. She knew that she would have to be especially nasty on Jan in order to make her forget about the pathetic tears she shed. Not that she had too much of a problem being mean to Jan anymore, because Jan was quick to attack Jackie back. And the insults made Jackie think about pinning Jan against the wall again. 

The girls worked diligently, still making sure to throw digs at each other whenever they could. They felt that they'd found a good rhythm when it came to productivity, and as the September afternoon slipped into evening, both girls felt awkward about staying at the coffee shop, but wanted to continue working.

"The offer of working at my place is still on the table," Jackie said as Jan voiced her concern about their length of time in the store. 

“My house wasn’t good enough,” Jan said. 

“If we keep working,” Jackie began. “This whole project will be done fast. And the less time I have to spend with you outside of lecture, the better. Just come over and we can get it all done. My place is like, five minutes from here.”

“Fine,” Jan nodded, tidying up her workspace. Jackie sent a quick text to Nicky, warning her that Jan (yes,  _ that _ Jan) was coming over, and she had to behave. Nicky simply texted back a long line of question marks. Quickly, Jackie clarified that it was for their ethics class, and Nicky sent a winking emoji back. “I drove here.”

“I walked,” Jackie said.

“Direct me to your house, Dr. Cox.” Jan said, and Jackie tried to ignore the way Jan calling her doctor made her feel.

**

“Janice, this is my roommate, Nicky. Nicky, this is Janice.” Jackie introduced Jan and Nicky as soon as they were all in the living room.

“Nicky,” Jan said, raising her eyebrows, offering a flirtatious smile, and taking Nicky’s hand. “Just call me Jan.”

“Enchanté Jan,” Nicky said, unable to keep a smile off her face. She found herself feeling very proud of her best friend. Jan was hot, and she was happy to see that Jackie had pulled someone like her.

“Oh, your accent is delicious!” Jan gushed, and Jackie felt a twinge of jealousy. 

“Thank you!” 

“God, you are stunning.” Jan said, looking intently at Nicky. “But I am sure you get that all the time.” 

“Oh, stop!” Nicky said, turning red. Jackie involuntarily scowled, and Jan smirked when she noticed. Whether it was jealousy or anger, Jan was fine either way. A rise out of Jackie was a rise out of Jackie.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Jackie said, louder than she intended. Nicky stepped back from Jan. “But we have a project to work on. There is a lot we still need to do.”

“I’m just being friendly,” Jan said, not breaking eye contact with Jackie. “It would be rude to not acknowledge your beautiful roommate. I don’t enjoy being an asshole to people, Jacqueline.”

“Nicky, what are you up to tonight?” Jackie asked, ignoring Jan.

“Gigi and some of the girls from work are coming by,” Nicky said.

“Tonight?” Jackie asked.

“Yeah, that’s why I was surprised that you said you were coming back here. I was planning on taking over the living room, remember?” Jackie groaned as she remembered Nicky had, in fact, confirmed that she would be having work friends over for a few drinks that night. Her afternoon was consumed with Jan, so she had totally forgotten.

“Fuck,” Jackie said. “I forgot. Jan… I think we’re going to have to work in my bedroom. You can take over my desk or my bed...”

“Jackie,” Jan said coyly. “You could have just asked if you wanted me in your bed this badly.” 

“I-” Jackie started, turning red, as Nicky covered her mouth with both hands, surprised by how brazen Jan was. If she hadn’t been attached to so many of Jackie’s panic attacks, she probably would have wanted to befriend Jan. She was so flippant and charming.

“Can I possibly use your washroom before we get started?” Jan asked brightly, and Nicky directed her to the room down the hall. When they thought that Jan was likely out of earshot, they exchanged glances.

“She’s unbelievable!” Jackie said, her cheeks flushed with irritation, embarrassment, and arousal at the thought of Jan in bed with her.

“Wow,” Nicky said with a laugh. 

“Right? You see?”

“You weren’t exaggerating. She’s a lot,” Nicky said, and Jackie gesticulated wildly. “I wish she wasn’t such a bitch to you, because she’s kind of amazing.”

“Oh my god,” Jackie groaned. “Fuck off!” Nicky laughed, and Jackie rolled her eyes, heading toward her bedroom. Thankfully, before the girls had met for their study date, Jackie had given her room a cursory tidy that morning. Her room was the direct opposite of Jan’s. All of her furniture was a dark wood. The bedding was dark plum, and she had black curtains that sat over blackout blinds. Where Jan had a vanity, she had a dark desk and chair set up. They both had very full bookshelves, but Jan had fiction books all over, whereas Jackie stuck mostly to non-fiction on her main shelf, and kept the fiction books in her large closet. It was her mother’s idea. Jackie plugged in her oil diffuser and added a few drops of a calming oil. It wasn’t as though she believed in the effectiveness of the oils, but it smelled nice, and Nicky had been so kind to pick it up in an attempt to help with her anxiety. Jackie hoped that maybe she could placebo effect herself into a place of inner peace while Jan was there. Jan finally entered Jackie’s room and looked around.

“Cute,” Jan muttered, looking at the bookshelf and running her fingers up and down the pristine spines of Jackie’s book collection. 

“Thanks,” Jackie replied tentatively.

“Do you read anything fun?” 

“Fun stuff is in the closet,” Jackie said, catching the irony of her sentiment and stopping herself from letting out a snort. Jan, becoming extremely nosey, opened the closet without asking.

“You actually have good taste,” Jan mused, running her fingers over the books in the same way she had done before. She moved away from the closet-book-shelf to the section of clothing that Jackie had hung. Jan started rifling through Jackie’s dresses, suits, and jackets.

“Girl,” Jackie said, going over and gently getting Jan away from her things and closing the closet door. Jan laughed and apologized. “You are so annoying. It’s bad enough that you’re in my space!”

“Oh, come on Jacqueline,” Jan said with a grin, stretching out on Jackie’s bed, crossing her legs and pointing her sock-clad toes at Jackie. “I’m not all that bad.”

“You’re insufferable, actually.” Jackie said, beginning to take her things out of her bag so they could begin their project.

“True,” Jan said with a smirk. “But you love me.”

“Janice, I can’t stand you,” Jackie said pointedly. 

“Okay,” Jan said with a laugh, poking Jackie with her toe. 

“Oh my god, Jan,” Jackie said, swatting at her foot. “You get a perverse joy in annoying me. It’s unbelievable.”

“You fucked me and then yelled at me,” Jan said. Jackie sighed and went back to collecting the materials that she would need to work on their project. Confident that she had gotten the last word, Jan followed suit. The two began working on their assignment, only pausing to order pizza. This time, the two didn’t send out too many insults. They ate pizza and answered each other’s questions without a fight. After a few hours, Nicky knocked on the door and offered for the girls to come join them for a drink. They politely declined, but the interruption snapped them both out of their flow-state. 

“Do you ever do anything fun? Nicky didn’t seem surprised that you didn’t want to drink with her friends.” Jan teased, unable to refocus on work.

“Nope, I just sit here and study,” Jackie responded dryly. 

“Mmm,” Jan said, crawling to the end of the bed so she sat right in Jackie’s space. “Are any of her friends hot? Should I have taken the offer?”

“Some of them are,” Jackie said, trying to be nonchalant, but feeling annoyed with Jan all over again. “You can go right ahead and join.”

“I don’t know anyone,” Jan pointed out.

“That doesn’t seem to be an issue for you,” Jackie snorted. “You came here from McMaster and made friends right from the get go. You looked pretty popular at Frosh Week.”

“I thought you weren’t at Frosh Week,” Jan said, grinning at Jackie, when Jackie realized that Jan was right. “You creeped me! You stalk my socials!”

“I looked,” Jackie mumbled, feeling her face and chest flush. “I don’t stock your socials. Don’t flatter yourself. I just wanted to show my roommate the face of the succubus that’s been draining me of all life.”

“Succubus,” Jan mused. “So mean, Jacqueline.”

“So annoying, Janice,” Jackie retorted.

“Maybe. But like I said, I know you like me. It’s why I get under your skin so easily. I just can’t figure out why you also hate me. You hate me, and you really, really, really want to fuck me. I can tell. You’re a very confusing woman Jacqueline.” Jackie was speechless as Jan leaned forward and started rubbing Jackie’s thigh. Her breath hitched and she felt her body start to light on fire. Before she could catch herself, Jackie had lunged at Jan, pinning her hands above her head, straddling her on the bed, and biting her bottom lip. Jan moaned into Jackie’s mouth and squirmed under Jackie’s body. 

“I actually just really, really, really hate you, Janice,” Jackie growled in Jan’s ear. 

“Then fuck me like it,” Jan whined. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! If you'd like, leave a comment! Your thoughts, opinions and comments are sustaining me and get me so excited to write! They mean the world to me
> 
> Cheers!


	4. You Could Go Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jan leaves and Jackie is left with her friends, discussing what yet another night with Jan means.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major CW for this chapter. It's super homophobic and uses the d-slur. This is a super angsty chapter, so buckle up. If inner turmoil about sexuality is particularly upsetting for you, please be safe with this one.
> 
> As always, thank you all so much for your kind comments! I love that this story is getting such a positive reception, and I can't think you enough for making me feel so good about sharing this!!!!
> 
> Cheers!

"Erythema," Jan mused as she poked at one of the many red marks that her mouth had placed all over Jackie's body. The spots trailed their way down from Jackie's neck to the inside of her thighs. Jan made sure to trace them all, connecting a pathway that told the story of their night. Her hands felt warm and soft against Jackie's cool skin. Despite herself, Jackie let out a soft giggle as Jan touched her. Such a delicate touch was ticklish. 

"Hematoma," Jackie whispered, brushing her cold fingers against a hickey that she had left on Jan's breast. Jan cocked her head back and laughed.

"Puncture wound," Jan smirked, pointing out a bite mark on her own shoulder. Jackie gasped and touched the very distinctive dental bruise, teasing it lightly with her fingertips. 

"There is no puncture!" Jackie laughed quietly. 

"Oh, there very much is a puncture! Feel," Jan grabbed Jackie's hands and ran one of them along with the bite that Jackie had left. There were a few minor breaks in the skin. Jackie's cheeks turned bright red as she stole her hands back to cover her face. Jackie groaned as Jan laughed. "It matches the one you left on my ass, Dr. Cox. Want to feel that one, too?"

"No! Oh my god, I've never done that to someone before," Jackie said, embarrassed.

"I told you to fuck me like you hated me. And I'm sure you tried. But Jacqueline, that was just moderate dislike, in my opinion. If you hated me, your hands would have been around my neck more," Jan wiggled her eyebrows at Jackie, who inhaled sharply. That was another thing she hadn't tried, but the thought did make her pulse quicken. 

"I've definitely never done  _ that _ before," Jackie said with a small smile. 

"Next time," Jan teased as she jumped out of Jackie's bed, collecting her clothes that had been thrown about the room carelessly. Jackie watched intently as Jan wiggled herself into her panties. The red splotches and purple bruises stood out on Jan's pale skin. Jackie couldn't explain exactly what had come over her. All of her sexual experiences before Jan had been strikingly vanilla, in the dark, missionary. But Jan... Something about biting, scratching, pulling at Jan felt extremely satisfying in a way Jackie hated. Everything about her trysts with Jan made her feel dirty. But when Jan referenced _next time_ , Jackie was still filled with excitement. 

"Are you leaving?" Jackie asked as Jan got dressed and put her long blonde hair into a ponytail. She shot Jackie a smirk. 

"We are well over halfway done with the paper, and you haven't yelled at me yet," Jan said, matter-of-factly. "That is pretty good in our books. I figured I would just bow out."

"Jan," Jackie said, biting her lip. Jackie wanted to address what had happened. Everything between the two girls was always so tense, and until they discussed it, there would be no closure. Jackie wondered if Jan would be understanding. Maybe if she just explained that she was at her wit's end, panicking about her sexuality, Jan would understand. Even though she was annoying as sin, Jan was still fairly nice. She would probably get it. 

"Mmm?" She paused her clean up and looked over at Jackie. It was clear that she was hoping for something. An apology, an acknowledgement, something. Jan was looking for something from Jackie. She wanted that conversation to ease the tension, just as much as Jackie did. Her eyes were pleading softly, genuinely looking for the validation Jackie had accused her of wanting previously. They both knew that they had sexual chemistry, but sometimes in chemical laboratories things combust. And they had no business sleeping together, tempting that combustion. 

"Make sure you proofread your section, Janice," Jackie said with a sigh. They both knew she had chickened out. "I don't want you bringing my grade down on this."

"Right," Jan said, narrowing her eyes. "I’d rather wait until it’s all finished, just so I can sort through all your tenuous connections at once rather than in separate stages.”

"Whatever," Jackie said, rolling her eyes. 

"Same time next week at Starbucks to get this finished? Think you can handle another afternoon with me?” Jan’s eyes had a mischievous glint in them. 

"I don't get a choice, do I?" Jackie mumbled. 

“As if you’d be my first choice?”Jan asked, cocking her head at Jackie.

“I’ll be there,” Jackie snapped. “The less time I can spend with you, the better. So it needs to be finished with."

"I'll be sure to bring my strap-on next time. Just in case. I'm sure you'll look so pretty choking on me," Jan taunted with a forceful laugh. Jackie threw one of her pillows at the door as Jan left, and threw the duvet over her head. 

**  
  
After a few minutes of wallowing, Jackie crept to her bedroom door, listening to see if Nicky still had company. She couldn’t hear any voices except for Gigi’s and Nicky’s, so she decided it was time to go to the kitchen and get a glass of wine, or five. She slipped on a clean pair of pyjamas and slunk into the kitchen. Gigi and Nicky were sitting on the counter, both cheeks red from the warmth of the apartment and the alcohol they had shared. Both of them stopped their conversation to watch Jackie enter the kitchen, and Jackie knew that both girls either were aware of what happened or had some kind of suspicion.

“Hey,” Nicky said, jumping off the counter and heading to the fridge. She pulled a cold bottle of Gewurztraminer, which was Jackie’s favourite white wine. Gigi turned to the cupboard behind her and pulled out a mug with the Queen’s University crest on it.

“We used all the wine glasses,” Gigi explained. 

“Doesn’t matter,” Jackie mumbled, looking in a drawer and finding the corkscrew. She popped open the green bottle and drank from it, sliding down to sit on the floor. “I don’t need a cup. Thanks, baby Gee.”

“Jack,” Gigi began, but she didn’t know how to end the sentence. 

“You heard?” Jackie asked.

“Just the two of us did,” Nicky admitted. “Nobody else as far as I know. I’m fairly certain if anyone else heard, they would have told me."

“Great,” Jackie sighed, taking a huge drink from the wine bottle. “Sorry.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” Nicky laughed. “You’ve heard me get laid one hundred times. That’s not a big deal. I’m just… We’re worried about this, Jackie. This is really out of character.”

“You can make your own choices. And we don’t have to talk about this. But you’re sitting on the floor, drinking wine. And you came out to see us, right?” Gigi asked and Jackie nodded. The air was apprehensive. It wasn’t as though Gigi and Nicky hadn’t wondered about Jackie. Not a lot of straight girls befriended almost exclusively queer women without questioning their own sexuality. Nicky had been an out and proud lesbian for as long as she could remember, and Gigi had made her pansexuality known quickly when she met Jackie, making a pass at her. But neither woman would try to force anyone out of the closet. Especially someone with such conservative parents. It wasn’t up to them. 

“I’m gay,” Jackie sobbed, putting the wine bottle on the floor as her shoulders shook. "I'm gay. I'm a lesbian. I'm a fucking lesbian."  Nicky and Gigi both moved from their spots to sit on the floor with Jackie. They both offered warmth in the form of hugs or hand-holding, but Jackie quickly dismissed any touch. Her friends respected that Jackie needed space, but they both felt their heartbreak for their friend. Nicky felt herself beginning to shed empathetic tears.

“That’s okay, Jack,” Gigi cooed, getting as close to Jackie as possible.

“But it isn’t!” Jackie yelled, allowing all of the tension, fear, and pain out. “This fucks everything. This fucks everything! That fucking bitch. I hate her.”

“Jan?” Nicky asked, surprised.

“This is all her fault!”

“Jackie, I don’t think Jan turned you gay,” Nicky said with a small laugh. 

“As much as some people would try and tell you otherwise,” Gigi said, also letting out a small laugh. “We aren’t contagious. And if it was, either myself or miss Nicky over there would have already infected you. You can’t blame Jan! You live with a lesbian.”

“This is true,” Nicky agreed.

“You guys,” Jackie offered them a sad smile. “Thank you, but this is just a lot. This is too heavy. I can’t deal. I am in a permanent state of panic.”

“So, what if you’re gay? What then?” Nicky asked. Jackie had talked to Nicky about a technique one of her favourite therapists used. She would ask about whatever was making Jackie anxious and get her to explain it. What’s the worst that could happen? And saying it out loud, sometimes Jackie was able to hear how irrational her worries were. Nicky had played this game with Jackie a few times, with varying degrees of success.

“My mom might murder me,” Jackie sobbed.

“Your mom isn’t a murderer Jack,” Gigi said. “Stay with us. What happens if you’re gay?”

“My mom might disown me,” Jackie conceded.

“What do you do if she has a valid concern when you play this anxiety game?” Gigi asked Nicky.

“I don’t know. She usually just says wild things. Her anxiety is usually more dramatic and unrealistic,” Nicky said after a long pause. Jackie laughed out loud.

“Well, I guess I should be happy that my concern about being a fucking filthy dyke is valid,” Jackie said, drying her eyes on the back of her hands. She reached for the wine again, but Nicky snatched it from her.

“Don’t,” she said darkly. “Don’t you say that word like that ever. If you’re a lesbian then you’re a lesbian, Jackie. There isn’t too much you can do about that. But you will not call my best friend that ever again.”

“Sorry,” Jackie whispered. “I didn’t mean to insult you.”

“You didn’t, you insulted a woman I love with that horrible word. And giving your demons a voice and using that slur… you can’t go down that road. Believe me.

“Nicky and I do know what you’re going through a little. We don’t have your mom, but I think most people I know who are queer have had issues coming out. I know it shouldn’t be like that, but unfortunately, it is. Even to people that you know will be accepting, there's that whole societal thing… or whatever. You know?” Gigi knew she was rambling, but her friends nodded in understanding. 

“I didn’t even feel good telling Nicky I had sex with a girl.” Jackie laughed. 

“See? It’s hard Jack.”

“Look, don’t worry about your mother yet. It’s easier said than done! But you have to worry about Jackie for now. Because this is big.”Nicky motioned to lean on Jackie’s shoulder, and Jackie accepted. Gigi took the opportunity to snuggle against her friend as well. Jackie felt very safe in between her girls.

“Hey,” Jackie began. “At least my mom hates everything I do. So this will be no different.”

“Fuck, Jackie!” All three girls laughed at Jackie’s bleak assessment of the situation, but Gigi cursed at her about it. It wasn’t far from the truth. Reflecting on her life, Jackie could see endless instances of her mother being upset with her. And none where her mother was proud, only some were her mom was less upset with her. Even getting into medical school didn’t help. She just reminded Jackie that it was another class she was expected to be top of. 

The three girls spent the rest of the night, sitting on the kitchen floor talking. To the surprise of her friends, Jackie gave them a fairly vivid description of her night with Jan. It was cathartic to share, but Jackie only felt marginally better. Having her friends by her side was lovely, but it was never what she was worried about. Voicing that she truly believed she was gay was not freeing, it just added more weight to her shoulders. And the knowledge that her family would likely be severing ties with her as soon as they knew made Jackie feel sick to her stomach.

**

“Good morning, sunshine,” Jackie said, oozing with snark, as Jan walked into their first shared lecture of the day. Jackie wasn't surprised to see that much like herself, Jan opted for a turtleneck as her clothing of choice. Both girls had a lot to hide and needed the professionalism and discretion that high necks offered. To her surprise though, the blonde girl shot her a quick, strained smile and sat down in her seat, rather than retorting. Jan started pulling her characteristic sparkly notebooks and pens out of a bag without a word. Jackie scrunched up her face. “Good morning to you too."

“Not today, okay?” Jan mumbled.

“What’s happening?” Jackie asked.

“Look,” Jan said, finally looking at Jackie. “You were right. We should have gone our separate ways. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. Can we just-”

“What brought this on?” The competitive spirit that inexplicably got Jackie so riled up was absent. The sparkle in Jan’s light eyes was missing. The bright smile was replaced by a blank look, with her eyes circled by darkness and exhaustion.

“I don’t want to do this right now,” Jan whispered. Jackie didn’t press the issue, as their class was starting. When their professor looked for answers, Jan didn’t raise her hands. She took dutiful notes but had nothing to contribute. Jackie kept supplying answers and searching Jan’s face for some kind of reaction. There was nothing. Through their entire three hour lecture, Jan didn’t say a word. When the professor dismissed the class, he asked Jan to stay behind. Jackie exited the hall slowly, trying to listen in. Their professor asked with genuine concern, what was wrong with Jan. As Jackie wandered toward the doors, she heard the blonde assure the man that she had just come down with some kind of bug and was hoping she would be feeling much better after some tea and a good night’s sleep. Despite the voice telling her not to, Jackie found herself waiting outside the lecture hall for Jan. 

“What are you doing, Jacqueline?” Jan sighed when she realized that Jackie was still there.

“Waiting for you,” Jackie said simply. The girls walked toward their next class in relative silence. Jackie had tried a few times to make some kind of conversation, but Jan either nodded or shook her head. She was polite, but this wasn’t the Jan that Jackie had spent four weeks tormenting and being tormented by. 

“Pull over,” Jan said once they reached their next shared class, ushering Jackie to the side of the hallway, so they weren’t in the way of the flow of students. 

“Jan, what’s going on? You’re weird.”

“No, I’m just really stupid,” Jan sighed. 

“I’m royally confused here.”

“That makes two of us!” Jan snapped. “Look, I don’t want to do  _ this _ anymore. I don’t know what I was thinking the other night. That was foolish. That was fucking foolish. And then talking about my strap-on. Fuck, Jacqueline. I am so stupid.”

“No, Jan-” Jackie began, but Jan cut her off.

“The other night was a huge lapse in my judgement. I shouldn’t have flirted. I shouldn’t have pushed. I shouldn’t have slept with you. I'm owning all of this as my mistake here. Your weird feelings for me, I need to not get involved. I should have never touched you again after the way you spoke to me. I just… I don’t know! I don’t know what I was expecting. But it was a really bad decision. I don’t know what you want. It’s not cute or sexy or fun that you hate me and you fuck me! It’s weird. And I’m sorry that I indulged in whatever this is. It made me feel good even though I know it's totally fucked up. I look like a fucking idiot getting back into bed with you after crying. Crying right in front of you! And even we acknowledge it and you say nothing! The first time was on you. Whatever that was, that was on you. But this... This was me being pathetic. This was me acting like some pathetic thing. Fool me once, right?” Jan’s eyes were full of tears, but she turned on her heel and entered the lecture hall. Jackie followed her into the room and was stunned to see Jan take the first available seat in the back row of the lecture hall.

Jackie walked to the front of the lecture hall, stifling tears of her own. Her mother’s lectures on keeping her emotions out of things and being professional were playing in her head. If Jan was done with her, that just made everything easier. If Jan wasn’t interested, perfect. Then maybe she wasn’t a fucking dyke. Maybe she didn’t have to worry about that anymore. Jackie mentally chastised herself for losing focus on school and reminded herself why she was there in the first place. She offered her professor a bright smile and dove into the lesson.

Everything was fine. Good, even. Great. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the angst I promised!! I am sorry for the endings of the last two chapters, I swear!!!!!!
> 
> Thank you SO MUCH for reading, and as always, I love all feedback! Toss a comment! It really means the world to me. I will be back with another update for this baby soon, and definitely another update for The Party Goes ASAP, I just had a lot of feelings about this story haha!! 
> 
> Thank you again! Leave a comment if you're so inclined!!
> 
> Cheers!


	5. Escape it All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie's father finally convinces his daughter to come for a visit. Jan and Jackie finish their assignment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reception for the last chapter was unbelievable! Thank you guys so much. I can't believe how kind and wonderful you are all. Thank you so much!! I appreciate you all reading this and giving me so much love and so much feedback.
> 
> CW for this chapter. This is a tough one. Warning for some really intense homophobia and mentions of sexual assault. No explicit sexual assault, and it's all tied to homophobia, but be careful.
> 
> So here we go!  
> Cheers!

Despite living in the same city, Jackie avoided her parents as she moved through her first few weeks of medical school. It wasn’t completely intentional. The coursework and the ever-present question of her sexuality had kept Jackie very busy. And she did try to keep in touch with her father through the time of avoidance. They had sent messages back and forth and even spoken on the phone a few times. Her father eventually demanded that she had to come for a visit and dinner. The day they had agreed on happened to be the day before she was supposed to meet Jan to finish their paper at Starbucks. Jackie tried to not feel like the universe was out to get her. 

“Hey Dad,” Jackie happily said, wrapping her arms around her father as she entered her childhood home. The Kingston Ontario home had looked exactly the same for as long as Jackie could remember. All of the home decor was minimalist, with only a few plants and pieces of art throughout the home. The walls were all variations of simple bright, beige colours that her father touched up with the same colours every few years. Jackie had no real nostalgia for the home, partially because it felt so cold, and partially because there were no photos or commemorations of Jackie’s life or accomplishments anywhere to be found. 

“Finally!” Jackie’s father said with a smile. “We thought you had found new parents! Like that book you used to love, remember?”

"Coraline," Jackie remembered with a chuckle. "The other mother!"

"Right! We thought you found your other mother."

“Don’t be silly,” Jackie said, tightening her embrace. Her relationship with her father was alright when her mother was not around. There was a tenseness between all members of the Cox family once Jackie’s mother was involved. But since it was just her and her father, Jackie enjoyed the hug. “I’m just busy. Medical school is a lot of work! Who knew?”

“Could have fooled me,” her father chuckled. The two made small talk as they followed the hallway from the entrance of the home to the living room. Every room in the house smelled of mouth-watering spices that made Jackie smile. Any good memories that Jackie had with her parents involved food. Both of her parents were excellent cooks and loved to share their talents with extended family and friends, the odd time that they hosted events. 

“Hello, Jacqueline,” her mother said as Jackie sat down on one of the couches in the living room. Her mother did not look up from the book she was reading to greet her daughter. 

“Hey mom, how are things?” Jackie asked.

“Fine.”

“How’s work?” 

“Fine. How are your classes?” 

“They’re going well,” Jackie said with a nod. Her mother finally broke her eyes away from her book, and her dark eyes met her daughter’s.

“Well?” Her mother pressed.

“Very well,” Jackie elaborated. “My ethics professor has me on a list of students he is considering for lab experience over the summer. There are only five first years invited, so it’s a cool opportunity!”

“Way to go, kiddo!” Her dad sat down beside her and raised his hand for Jackie to give him a high-five.

“Ethics lab? Are you studying sociology now?” Jackie’s mother scoffed.

“Mom, he’s just the professor of my ethics class. His lab isn’t an ethics lab. He runs a state-of-the-art neuroscience lab. He looks at the efficacy of different medications on anxiety and mapping out parts of the brain that change in those with anxiety. He is also going to be the professor running our first gross anatomy lab next week! That’s when we get to work with cadavers for the first time. His work right now, with anxiety medications, it’s actually really fascinating. He has one of the few labs-” Jackie began, but her mother cut her off.

“You and those anxiety medications.”

“Mom...” Jackie said, feeling her cheeks get red quickly. Her eyes met her fathers, looking for him to offer her allyship. He shrugged and smiled as if to tell Jackie not to bother fighting.

“You just need to focus,” her mother said, shaking her head. “It’s a lack of willpower, Jacqueline. You’re undisciplined and unfocused. Those medications create a dependency. Your wandering mind has been a problem for your whole life. You’ve always struggled with worries. It baffles me that you are still unable to sort these things out now that you’re an adult.”

“Some doctors might refer to that as anxiety, mother.” Jackie crossed her arms and huffed. Her father simply shook his head and wandered into the kitchen to check on the supper that he was in the middle of preparing. Jackie always wished that her father would intervene when things were difficult between the two Cox women. He never did.

“Weakness, Jacqueline.” Her mother retorted. Jackie rolled her eyes and grabbed her cell phone out of her pocket. Nicky and Gigi had both sent her messages of encouragement, and Nicky offered to fake a medical emergency to get Jackie out of the night. The message made Jackie laugh out loud.

“Look at you, laughing at your phone,” her father said, reentering the kitchen and patting his daughter's head. “You look so happy, kiddo. Is it a message from a boy?”

“No,” Jackie said, smiling at her father. “It’s just my roommate.”

“How is Nicolette these days?” Her father asked. “Is she still working at the university?”

“She’s okay! She’s working in the registrar office with a few girls I know. It pays well, and she’s pretty happy with it. She’s talking about wanting to get her masters and move to Toronto, but you know, money.” Jackie was almost excited to share some of herself with her parents because at least her father asked. Her mother’s unimpressed face remained unchanged. As her mother sucked her teeth, she remembered why she usually doesn't share. 

“Is that the lesbian?” Her mother asked.

“Yes, mother.”

“Her poor parents,” her mother sighed. 

“What does  _ that _ mean?” Jackie felt her chest tighten. Nicky had mentioned that she thought Jackie should take an Ativan with her for the dinner. Jackie had not thought it necessary, but a possible homophobic rant from her mother made Jackie start to sweat and her hands shake. Those tell-tale signs that made her wish she had listened to Nicky. 

“The humiliation they must feel,” her mother was shaking her head. “No grandchildren. No husband. I don’t know how they could live with themselves. They will wonder where they went wrong for the rest of their lives. The whole world will wonder what they did wrong.”

“That’s terrible,” Jackie mumbled. 

“Precisely,” her mother nodded. 

“No, mom, it’s terrible to say that. They didn’t do anything wrong. They love Nicky. It’s their daughter. Her being gay doesn’t change anything about her.” Jackie’s fists clenched tightly. She had the same tight scowl on her face that her mother had. 

“And I still don’t like the idea of you living with her,” Jackie’s mother continued. “What if she tries to touch you or something?”

“Fuck, mom!” Jackie jumped up angrily.

“Don’t speak that way in my home, Jacqueline.”

“Do you hear yourself? Like do you just say things or can you hear yourself?" Jackie could feel her blood pressure rising, and she looked at her father for help.

“Well Jacqueline,” her father began. “We wouldn’t have been happy if you had a male roommate either. It’s just… we worry about you. It’s our job to worry, kiddo.”

“Dad, you’re not on her side for this, right? You like Nicky. You've liked her every time you've met her!” 

“We would all like Nicolette more if she found a nice man. Then we would be able to guarantee your safety, Jacqueline. It's disrespectful that you would question our parenting,” her mother interjected angrily. 

“Ten minutes,” Jackie said, as she checked her watch. “Ten minutes before we got into a fight. That’s pretty good, don’t you think, mother?”

“This isn’t a fight Jacqueline,” her mother yelled. “This is you being insolent. When you have children, you will understand.”

“What if I don’t have children?”

“Not this again. I will not be having this conversation again.” Jackie’s mother shook her head and stood up, getting in Jackie’s face. She had one finger out, and her eyes were full of inexplicable anger at her daughter. “We have worked your whole life to give you everything. You have never needed anything Jacqueline. And it is despicable that whenever you’re here, we have to discuss the ways that you wish to disappoint us. Why do you get such joy in letting us down? Where did we go wrong? Because I don’t know. You make me feel like I have failed as a mother. Every time you're here, I feel as though I have failed.”

“Mom-” Jackie began, as she began to let tears fall from her eyes.

“I do not want to see those tears,” her mother yelled. “Clean yourself up and you can return when you’ve calmed down. Dinner will be ready soon.”

Jackie quickly ran to the bathroom and let the door close hard behind her. She knew that her mother would chastise her for slamming the door, but her mother chastised her for everything, so Jackie didn’t care. After drying her eyes and drinking a Dixie cup of tap water, Jackie took a few deep breaths while debating giving Nicky or Gigi a call. Either of them would encourage her and help her get through the night, but she didn’t know if she could talk to her friends without crying. For a fleeting second, Jackie pondered calling Jan, but she pushed that idea out of her head quickly. She didn’t even know why she let her mind go there. 

“Jacqueline,” her father called while he knocked on the bathroom door. Jackie groaned quietly and opened the door. Her father grabbed her hand and gave it a small squeeze.

“Hey dad,” Jackie mumbled.

“Look,” her father began. “I’m sorry. Your mother and I shouldn’t disparage your friend like that. She is obviously an accomplished woman and if you feel safe with her, we should trust her. I do like Nicolette. She has been a good friend to you, especially while you were studying for the MCATs. But you know your mother. Just try to stop setting her off, okay kiddo?”

“Okay dad,” Jackie agreed, wishing she was brave enough to tell her father off. But she had tried to get her parents to see her point of view her whole life, and they never did. It was why she had never gotten to decorate her bedroom. It was why she was never allowed to have sleepovers in childhood. It was why she wrote her MCATs even when she wasn’t sure if medical school was going to be too difficult with her anxiety. It was why she went to the first year mixer. She was never able to get them to see her point of view. And she was already much too tired to fight. So instead of standing up for her friend and defending herself, Jackie pleasantly offered to pour the wine for dinner and set the table. There was just no reasoning with them.

**

“Hey Jan,” Jackie said sincerely, as she watched the blonde woman walk over to the table that Jackie had claimed. Jan screwed up her face in confusion at the polite greeting from Jackie. There were two hot cups on the table, and one pink frappuccino on the table, which confused Jan further. 

“Why so many drinks?” 

“This one,” Jackie said as she shook a cup. “This one is for me. Two milk and two sugar. I drink black sometimes, but that really is when I'm in a bad mood. Usually, I like this. Sugary and toxic, just like I thought you'd like. And speaking of sugary and toxic, these two are for you. I got you a black coffee and this gross looking bubble gum pink frappuccino. I asked the barista if they had anything purple or glittery, but apparently, during the fall they do not have either. He said that this garish pink thing was as close as they had right now.” Jackie was rambling, but her voice was pleasant and happy. 

“Why?” Jan slumped her bag down on the ground, not breaking eye contact with Jackie. 

“Because you like purple? I assume. Everything you own is purple or glitter. If you don’t like purple or glitter, then your whole brand is off, Jan.” Jackie offered her a warm smile, but Jan wasn’t ready to trust Jackie’s intention just yet.

“Why are you buying me drinks, Jacqueline?”

"To study!"

"Really?" Jan asked quizzically. 

“Do you want them?”

“Yes,” Jan admitted.

“Then drink up. We have a fair bit of work to do. Did you do anything fun last night?”

“I had drinks with my roommates,” Jan said tentatively. “Celebrate the first month of school being done."

"I forgot you had roommates," Jackie lied. Of course, she remembered stumbling out of Jan's room, trying to avoid being seen. But this was a topic she assumed that Jan would be happy to talk about. "What are their names? How do you know them?" 

"I have two," Jan began. "Crystal and Jaida. Jaida is a third-year medical student and Crystal is her best friend. I found they were looking for a roommate online, and it's been good. They're really nice, we all get along well. What about you? Did you do anything fun?"

“Nothing,” Jackie said, shaking her head. “But that sounds like a nice night you had!”

“I’m confused right now,” Jan said, releasing a nervous laugh.

“Mmm?” Jackie looked over at Jan, smiling softly. 

“Yes! What the fuck, Jackie? What is this?”

“A frappucino,” Jackie smirked, gesturing to the giant pink beverage. 

“Oh my god,” Jan groaned. “You’re infuriating. Let’s just do-”

“I’m trying to be nice, Jan,” Jackie said with a laugh. “I’m trying to be nice. I promise that's it. There is nothing underhanded. No jokes. No bitchy Jackie. No sarcasm. No snark. I’ve been thinking about what you said the other day, and it stuck with me. It bothered me, how bad I made you feel.”

“Is this… is this an apology?” Jan said, smiling.

“Maybe,” Jackie laughed.

“Jacqueline Cox, do you have feelings?” Jan laughed as she took a drink of the frappuccino that Jackie had purchased for her. It was way too sweet for Jan’s liking, but she felt compelled to drink the peace offering. 

“Maybe,” Jackie said again. She offered Jan another sincere smile, but still couldn’t bring herself to apologize. It seemed like Jan was receptive to Jackie’s non-apology because they were able to finish their project without a hitch. This session of work was similar to the night in Jackie’s bed when they ate pizza and worked pleasantly. They were able to complete the project a lot quicker than Jackie had anticipated, and she was proud of the paper that they had written. 

“You’re a strange woman, Jackie,” Jan said as she finished her coffee and began to pack up her bag. 

“That’s fair,” Jackie agreed with a laugh.

“See, even this is weird, because I feel like we’re having a nice time and today was chill! But what happens next time? Like, I liked today! I had a nice time! But I don’t know what that means, right? What happens tomorrow? Am I just being buttered up again? Do I look like a complete idiot? I feel like I keep getting played, but I keep having a nice time! It's really weird, Jackie!” Jan looked at Jackie exasperatedly. 

“Can you drive me home?” Jackie asked, ignoring what Jan said before. “I walked here, and I’m pretty tired from all this work.” 

“Sure,” Jan said with a nod and a roll of her eyes. She was getting used to Jackie being unable to say anything in response to her emotional pleas. The girls drove in awkward silence until they reached Jackie’s house. Jackie looked at Jan intently. She looked at her soft face and remembered how her lips felt all over her body. She saw the remnants of the bruise that her teeth left on Jan, now almost gone, faded to a yellow colour. She found herself reaching out and grabbing Jan’s warm hand. It felt nice against her cold fingers.

“My family,” Jackie began after taking a deep breath. Jan leaned in toward Jackie attentively, but Jackie knew that Jan had no idea what she was getting into. Jackie knew she was about to ramble. “My family is super strict, Jan. My mother especially. I know that most people think their parents are tough. But Jan, my parents... My mother is also a very angry woman. Very angry. My mother says that photos of our family are too tacky to hang up around the house. Can you imagine? I’ve heard that my whole life, pictures of me are too tacky. My whole house is beige, Jan. Beige. When I got into school, my mom said I had to be top of the class or I might as well not even go.”

“Okay,” Jan said with a small nod. She felt herself beginning to feel bad for Jackie, even though she had no idea what Jackie was talking about. 

“I take Zoloft.” 

“W-”

“My mother doesn’t believe in anxiety. Or, she believes that other people have it. Like three psychiatrists and four therapists later and she doesn't think they're right. She questions their credentials. She calls my panic attacks episodes and she just says I’m weak. My dad disagrees, I think. I’m not sure actually. He always looks at me sadly, but he doesn’t say anything. I don’t know if he secretly has the same values as my mom, or if he’s just scared of her. One of my old therapists said that it's more or less the same thing. Whether he has the values or is just scared. Because the outcome is the same. And the outcome is always the same, Jan.”

“Jackie, you’re scaring me a little,” Jan said quietly. "You sound manic."

“My parents don’t like me living with Nicky. They think that she’s going to sexually assault me.”

“What?!”

“Nicky's a lesbian,” Jackie said with a very long pause. 

“Jackie,” Jan said, pausing for almost as long as Jackie did. “I’m trying. I am trying here. But I don’t know what you’re saying. Do you just want to vent? Do you want to talk about it? Why are you telling me all of this?”

“My parents have a plan for me,” Jackie continued. “It’s been laid out very neatly. Graduated high school, top of my class. Got my bachelor's, top of my class. Now they want me to do the same with medical school. They want me to have a doctor husband, they want grandchildren. My mom wants me to specialize in orthopedic surgery because there are going to be a lot of job vacancies in that field, once we graduate. They have a whole plan. And I overthink. I overthink everything.”

“Jackie-”

“My parents are really, really homophobic, Jan,” Jackie said, squeezing Jan’s hand tightly. The girls sat in silence until Jan's mouth changed from a look of confusion to a look of surprise. Realization slapped Jan across the face. Jackie didn’t hate her. Jackie liked her. Jackie probably even _liked her._ But Jackie wasn’t allowed to like her.

“Oh,” Jan breathed.

“Oh,” Jackie repeated. 

“I see,” Jan whispered. “I think.”

“You’re a really lovely person, Jan. Thank you for helping me come to terms with something I couldn’t understand about myself. None of this has been fair to you. If I could take away the pain I caused, I would do anything to. You just drew the short straw and happened to be my first, Jan. Like, my first girl. And it was magic. You are magic. But I wasn't ready for magic. And I hated you for that. I hated myself for that. I hated both of us for how good you made me feel. Because you made me feel _good._ But even more, though, I hate who I was after we had sex. I hate how I treated you. I sounded like my mother, Jan. My mother! I turned into that angry lady! I dumped all of my problems on you, and that was unfair. I promise I’m not evil. That girl... she isn't me. I’m just scared. I'm scared. And you don't have to forgive me. I don't know if I would forgive me if I was you. But you deserved to know why I was so hateful.” Jackie allowed a few tears to fall, and Jan looked at her sadly.

“Jackie-” Jan squeezed Jackie’s hand back. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t,” Jackie laughed. “Don't you apologize! You didn’t do anything wrong. At all. I’m just a very strange woman, Jan.”

“You are,” Jan laughed quietly, reaching across the middle console of the car to wipe a few of Jackie’s tears off her face. Jackie grabbed her hand and planted a small kiss on the back of it.

“I’m gonna go. Thanks for listening, Jan,” Jackie said as she left the car. Jackie entered her apartment, never looking back at Jan. The car sat in the same place for a while, while Jan tried to piece together what had just happened. She sat for a long time, waiting for Jackie to come back, or for something to clear itself up. But nothing did. Somehow, she felt like even though she was closer to understanding Jackie, she was farther from understanding Jackie than ever before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, eventually, you guys are going to kick my ass for all of these hanging chapters. I'm sorry!!
> 
> I am going to have to take a break from my pretty fast upload speed for about a week though. I'm sorry! I am heading back to work after quarantine and I am moving in with my girlfriend so things are going to be a bit chaotic. I hope to have at least one more chapter up this week at least, but it is, unfortunately, going to be slower. 
> 
> BUT that being said, thank you SO SO much for reading. Please leave a comment if you're so inclined! Your feedback means absolutely everything to me. I can't explain how grateful I am for every kudos and every comment. It's unreal. Thank you so so so much! 
> 
> Cheers!


	6. It's Just Irrelevant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie shows how sorry she is by supporting Jan in her time of need. Jackie meets Jaida and Crystal, Jan's protective roommates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the love on the last chapter. I am really sorry to hear that a lot of people related to Jackie's family situation, but I am glad to know that people like us aren't alone. Nobody who relates to Jackie deserved the pain they went through. We all deserve better. And I thank you all for allowing me to share this story with you.
> 
> CW of course. This chapter contains a pretty vivid description of an anxiety attack, so if reading about the physiological aspects might set you off, please tread lightly in this one.
> 
> Canadian slang guide:  
> Timbit = a doughnut hole bought from Tim Horton's, the best-simultaneously-worst coffee shop in Canada. 
> 
> Anyway, thank you again for all the love!
> 
> Cheers!

Jan didn't want to die in a bathroom at school while hiding, but that's what she worried was happening. Hyperventilation. Heart palpitations. Trembling. Numbness in the fingers. Dizziness. Blurry vision. And she couldn't stop crying. There were so many illnesses that had these symptoms. But Jan figured it had to be something fatal. And the more she thought about her impending doom, the harder it was to breathe. 

Jan's symptoms started when she was in her first cadaver lab. They hadn't begun their lab work but instead spent their time discussing the ethics and expectations that come with working with cadavers. She looked at the excited faces of her classmates. Even Jackie's face was showing a glint of excitement instead of the stoic eyes she usually had in class. Jan had thought she would be excited. This was what they'd all been waiting for. But as she looked at the cadaver… the person they would be studying... a human man... she started to feel like she was going to faint. She didn't feel grossed-out. She felt sad. It reminded her of a volunteer placement she took in a dental office when she was in her second year of university. Jan felt like she was going to faint or sob when she saw kids with tubes everywhere on her first general anesthetic day. Her heart was big. Sometimes she wondered if it was too big and made her too weak for the medical field. And as she tried not to throw up in the cadaver lab, that worry of weakness was in her mind again. 

So Jan finished the class quietly, then hauled her ass to an infrequently used bathroom to cry. But she didn't cry the way she was accustomed to. Almost every student that Jan knew had cried silently to themselves in a school bathroom. Instead, Jan was crying loudly. She was shaking, breathing heavily, sweating profusely, and had wild tears flowing down her cheeks. Jan deduced, as her vision got more blurry and she couldn't catch her breath, that she was dying. 

"Jan?" She heard a familiar voice call out her name after the door of the bathroom creaked open. Instead of calling out to who she realized was Jackie, Jan stifled a sob in her throat, hoping that Jackie didn't hear the previous tears. Even if she was dying, she couldn't keep crying in front of Jackie. It was getting embarrassing. Jackie knocked on the door of the stall that she knew Jan was hiding in. "Jan, I can see your feet and your stupid sparkly shoelaces. I know you're in here. Are you okay?"

"Mmm," was all Jan managed to squeak. 

"Open up Janice. I saw how fast you ran out of class, I know something's wrong. I could hear you crying from outside the bathroom!" Jackie said, continuing to knock on the stall door. Jan sighed and tried to wipe her tears off on the back of her arm. However, she still wasn't able to catch her breath, so she let out a horrible sobbing sound. 

"I'm dying," Jan sobbed. "I think I'm having a heart attack. Or a stroke. Or both. I can't get a good breath. My heart is going wild. I'm dying."

"You're having an anxiety attack," Jackie realized. She squished herself into the stall, locking the door behind her. "You're going to be alright Jan, okay? The more you think about dying, the more you won't be able to catch your breath. Let's just focus on each other, okay? Can I touch you?"

"Yes," Jan said with a nod. When Jackie was panicking she hated physical contact, so she knew she had to check with Jan. Jackie reached out to hold Jan's hand, but Jan jumped into Jackie's space and wrapped her arms around Jackie's neck. Clearly, she was desperate for touch in her panicked state. Her sobs got harder as Jackie rubbed her back. 

"In through your nose, out through your mouth. In through your nose, out through your mouth," Jackie repeated melodically. 

"I can't," Jan sobbed, feeling herself getting more lightheaded. "I can't. I can't."

"You can, Jan. I know it's scary. I know it's hard. Trust me. Just focus on me. Listen to my voice. In through your nose, out through your mouth." Jackie wished that she had any of her Ativan in her bag, but unfortunately, she did not. 

"I'm never going to be a doctor. I'm weak!" Jan wailed.

"In through your nose, out through your mouth" Jackie felt Jan pull her tighter. She continued to rub Jan's back and repeat the mantra. 

"That was a person," Jan said, trying to breathe the way that Jackie was encouraging her to. 

"The cadaver?"

"Yeah, that man. That was a man. With thoughts and ideas and dreams and hopes. Maybe he had a family. And now he's just dead. He's dead, Jackie," Jan felt herself starting to get more panicky, so she tried to focus on Jackie's hands moving up and down her back. 

"It's very scary," Jackie said, nodding. She loosened her grip on Jan in case she wanted to break away from the hug. Instead, Jan pulled her back to her starting position, clearly not wanting Jackie to let her go. "There's this weird horror, seeing a human body like that."

"Just for me," Jan said, feeling her throat burn from dryness. "Everyone else was fine! Everyone looked excited! Even you! Death doesn't bother anyone else." 

"Well, I'm already dead inside," Jackie said drily, making Jan laugh. There was a huge wet spot on Jackie's chest, but she didn't mind. 

"I can't be this scared of death if I want to be a doctor. People die every day," Jan sighed. The speed of her breathing was starting to return to normal, and she could feel her pulse trying to regulate. Jan wiped her eyes on her shirt and wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans. Jackie broke away from their embrace and balled up some toilet paper, mopping up the tears that Jan missed.

"I would much rather know my doctor cares about me and doesn't just see me as a body. It isn't a weakness to value life, Jan. It's a strength. You're going to be a good doctor because of your big heart." She looked deeply into Jan's eyes and offered her a warm smile.

"I can't freak out every time I see a dead body!" Jan exclaimed. 

"Every time," Jackie scoffed. "Jan, have you ever seen a body before?"

"No," she admitted sheepishly. "Not even an open casket funeral. Plus, I freaked out the first time I saw people under general anesthesia, too."

"Then this isn't indicative every time! This is only once. This is the very first time, Jan. It's allowed to be scary. Most people in our lab have probably seen a body at a funeral home or at a volunteer placement or something. Next time will be different." Jackie let out a chuckle and squeezed Jan's hand. 

"How do you know it will be different?" Jan asked.

"How do you know it won't be?" Jackie retorted. Jan was quiet for a long time and she finally sighed.

"You're good at this. Thank you." 

"I know I hide it well," Jackie teased. "But I'm a very anxious person. This isn't my first experience with anxiety attacks, Janice."

"I gathered from that wild overshare in my car the other day, Jacqueline," Jan teased. "Zoloft, yeah?"

"Highly recommend," Jackie retorted with a snicker. 

"Thanks for this," Jan said, grabbing Jackie into another tight hug. "I hope I didn't make you late for your next lecture."

“I'm done with class today," Jackie said, shaking her head. 

"I'm sorry, thank you. Seriously. Thank you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Jan began repeating until Jackie leaned in and put a soft kiss on Jan's lips. At first, Jan's eyes bulged, but she softened quickly, leaning into the kiss Jackie was offering. Their lips stayed together, breathlessly for a few moments. 

"You're so annoying," Jackie chuckled when their lips separated. "Shut up, Janice. I knew something was wrong. Don't thank me for that."

"Bitch," Jan laughed, leaning her head on Jackie's shoulder. "Are these always so exhausting? I feel like I ran a marathon."

"Absolutely. I usually find that Timbits and a nap are the only ways to recharge after a good anxiety attack." Jackie planted a kiss on Jan's forehead.

"Timbits and a nap," Jan mused.

"Yep," Jackie nodded.

"That sounds lovely," Jan said, unlocking the stall door and moving to leave the washroom. "You're coming over, yeah?"

"What?" Jackie was taken aback.

"I just had an anxiety attack!" Jan exclaimed. "I didn't even know that Timbits were a form of medication. I need an expert with me, and you don't have any classes!" 

Jackie laughed, but still found herself accompanying Jan to her car. The nerves about visiting Jan's apartment were still present. But Jan needed her. Jackie felt like after everything, she owed Jan. And holding her hand while distracting her from all of her panicked thoughts seemed like a good way to pay her penance.

*

"Honey-s, I'm home," Jan called out as they entered her home. There was a small lump in Jackie's throat as she entered the familiar apartment. But there wasn't time for her to start panicking, because she caught a glimpse of the faces of Jan's roommates. Two women were sitting on the couches and greeted Jan and Jackie. The first was a beautiful black girl with her hair in a sleek bun who was cradling a coffee cup, reading a thick textbook, and moving her mouth slightly along with the words in the text. The second was a soft-looking Latina woman in loud pyjamas who shook her red curls that perfectly framed her face as she typed away dramatically on her laptop.

"Hey baby," the black girl said melodically to Jan. "And hello Jan's company!"

"Jan! Warn me next time! I don't even have a bra on," the Latina woman whined, not making a move to rectify her situation or cover herself. Jackie laughed and the girl winked at her. 

"Do you kids want a refresher on your coffees? I need caffeine." Jan said, ignoring her roommate's whining. 

"I'm okay thanks, but you're such a bad hostess. Introduce us to your friend!" Jaida gestured to Jackie and laughed at Jan's inhospitality. 

"Oh duh," Jan said, laughing as she moved to the living room instead of the kitchen. She motioned for Jackie to follow her. 

"I'm Jaida," the black girl said with a warm smile. 

"You're the one in third year med?" Jackie asked.

"Yeah! Are you in first year with Jannie?" 

"Yeah," Jackie said excitedly. "I don't know any upper-year students! I'm going to have to pick your brain sometime."

“I'm Crystal," the redhead interrupted. "I'm not in medical school but you can pick my brain too. I know a lot of important things."

"She knows nothing important," Jaida snorted. 

"Noted," Jackie laughed.

"This is Jackie," Jan said tentatively. The roommates exchanged looks. Jaida's face became significantly less warm, bordering on a scowl and Crystal closed her laptop to give a disapproving look to Jan. Jackie realized that Jan had told her friends about their situation. The two roommates looked at each other, at Jackie, and back to Jan a few times in awkward silence. Jackie felt her face get very red and prayed that the floor would open up and swallow her.

" _ Jackie,  _ Jackie?" Jaida asked, clearly not one to mince words or ignore an awkward situation.

"My reputation precedes me," Jackie said with a stiff laugh. Jan squeezed Jackie's thigh to comfort her.

"It's fine, ladies! I told you, we're cool," Jan said, raising her eyebrows at her friends.

"You told us a lot of things," Jaida said pointedly. 

"She told us some good stuff too, Jaida," Crystal pointed out, still very unsure about the circumstances. Jackie was glad to see that Crystal was at least trying to be optimistic about her presence because the words of kindness made Jan relax a bit. 

"Just not sure what to say here," Jaida said simply.

"I had a really hard day in the gross anatomy lab and Jackie took care of me. And  _ no _ not like that," Jan clarified as she noticed Crystal raise one of her eyebrows. "I had an actual anxiety attack. And Jackie stayed with me. In the bathroom, might I add."

"Jan!" Jaida gasped. "That's horrible. What happened. Are you alright?"

"Existential dread," Jan sighed.

"First time with cadavers?" Jaida asked and both Jackie and Jan nodded. "I remember it well. One kid in my class fainted, but I think it was the formaldehyde smell that got him. It's really unsettling if you've never seen someone that's dead before."

"That's exactly why I freaked out!" Jan exclaimed. "But I'm okay now because Jackie was there. She talked me through it."

"We are just protective of Jan," Crystal said to explain her and Jaida's reaction. "She's baby, you know?"

"She's our child," Jaida agreed. 

"I'm literally two years younger than you!" Jan laughed. 

"I-," Jackie began, looking at the girls in the room. She felt awkward explaining herself but she also realized that winning Jan's friends over would mean a lot to Jan. Even if she didn't understand her feelings for Jan yet, Jackie knew she wanted to at least be around her more. So she had to impress the roommates. "Jan and I got off on the wrong foot. I mean, I made sure of that. I am at fault. The whole thing was my bad. I got us off wrong."

"I heard you got Jan off right, actually," Crystal said with a smirk. "I never remember that being the problem."

"You're disgusting," Jan said with a laugh and Jackie gasped and blushed. "I'm making coffee then we are leaving. Leave Jackie alone."

"I didn't mean to hurt your friend," Jackie said once Jan was in the kitchen. "I would be the same if anyone treated my roommate the way I treated Jan. But she's a great girl, and I'd like to make it up to her. Not that anyone should be treated like that. But… I like hanging out with her. She got dragged into my weirdness. I'm not sure what she told you specifically. But I want to make it up to her. I fucked up." 

"As long as you _know_ you fucked up," Jaida nodded. "And you know that we're watching you. As I said, Jan's our baby. Nobody is allowed to fuck with our family."

"Jaida is in med school, and I'm crazy, you know what I mean? We both can and will kill for Jan." Crystal warned. Jackie nodded, taking the threats lightly but wanting to show that her intentions were pure. Jan dragged Jackie away and told her roommates to leave them alone for a while and only call her if they were making something good for dinner. Crystal told them to use protection, which made Jackie feel embarrassed all over again.

"Don't mind them," Jan laughed as she got Jackie away from everyone. "I tell them everything, unfortunately. They became my fastest friends ever. We connected, like, super quick. So now we're inseparable and I share way too much. And they're convinced that the two year age difference is a  _ thing.  _ So, they feel like they have to take care of me."

"If a girl treated my roommate Nicky the way I treated you, I wouldn't trust her. I mean I'm not as blunt as your roomies, but I would feel the same," Jackie admitted. Jan shrugged and started to slide her jeans off. 

"What are you doing?" Jackie asked, surprised that Jan was seemingly getting naked out of nowhere. 

"Don't flatter yourself, Jacqueline. You said I should nap. I'm not getting in my bed in outside clothes. Ew." Jan laughed as she slipped her shirt off too. Jackie felt her mouth get dry as she stared at Jan's body. There were slight colourful remnants of their night together, including the bruise on her ass that had horrified and aroused Jackie. That bruise had stood the test of time longer than her shoulder bruise, staying black and bold where the shoulder mark was yellowed and faded. She couldn't take her eyes off the simple beige cotton bra and multi-coloured floral panties she had on. Mismatched, unlike both times they'd have sex, so Jackie assumed Jan wasn't expecting company. And yet, Jackie was enthralled. 

"Okay I agree, but you just stripped!" Jackie laughed.

"Your tongue has been inside me," Jan teased. "Like, multiple times. Weird that you're all bashful suddenly."

"I-" Jackie started, trying to think of a way to defend herself, as Jan snuggled under her white duvet, motioning for Jackie to join her. Anxious memories of sleeping with Jan were present, but Jackie tried to shut off her internal monologue. 

"Take your pants off, Cox," Jan demanded with a warm smile. Finally relenting, Jackie slid her leggings and sweatshirt off. She jumped into Jan's bed, tucking herself under the duvet so Jan couldn't see the sexless panties and sports bra she had worn to the lab today. Of course, though, Jan noticed. "Are you 300, what the fuck are you wearing?"

"I didn't expect you to get me naked on cadaver day!" Jackie laughed, thoroughly embarrassed but knowing that she didn't need to be.

"This wasn't my ideal cadaver day either, grandma," Jan pointed out drily. 

"Bitch," Jackie laughed, as she felt Jan snuggle against her, putting her head on Jackie's chest. Her heart raced as Jan started tracing circles and lines on Jackie's stomach. The circles and lines started getting lower until she was brushing against Jackie's panties. 

"Thanks for everything today," Jan reiterated, looking up at Jackie with lustful eyes. Jackie's breath hitched, as she felt Jan's fingers tugging at the panties. The problem though was Jackie remembered how scared and sad Jan was just a few hours ago. It occurred to Jackie that Jan was probably trying to pay her back for sitting through the panic attack, with sex. Jan started to try and slide Jackie's panties off, but Jackie grabbed Jan's hand and shook her head. Jan was too vulnerable after the bad bout of anxiety, especially considering their rocky relationship. Jackie thought Jan had already experienced enough regret and turmoil when it came to their sexual relationship. 

"You should sleep," Jackie whispered.

"Really?" Jan asked, surprised.

"Really," Jackie nodded.

"You don't want me?"

"Of course I do. You can feel how wet I am. But, it just wouldn't be right Jan. I'm sorry." Jackie expected Jan to rebut her or be annoyed. But her face just softened, realizing the genuineness of Jackie's kindness throughout the day. Jan was starting to feel comfortable with their blossoming friendship.

"Another time?"

"Another time," Jackie agreed, kissing the top of Jan's head. "Another time, I will rock your fucking world, Janice. But not today. Your body has already cycled through enough chemicals and expended enough energy. You're going to be too tired for my unbridled, mind-blowing lovemaking."

"Gross," Jan laughed, snuggling against Jackie and wrapping an arm over her chest instead of playing with her panties. "I hated that sentence. Don't call it that!"

"Why? It's true."

"You're so annoying," Jan groaned as she felt herself slowly letting the exhaustion take her over. As Jan started to doze off, Jackie felt very awake and very anxious. Snuggling up with Jan felt natural and easy. But now that she was asleep, the scene felt too intimate and too vulnerable. Her heart rate rose and she fidgeted, trying not to disrupt the girl on top of her. She felt just as naked in front of Jan now as she did when she first had sex, or when she dumped her life's story in Jan's lap. It was not good. Every instinct told her to run and not look back. But Jackie stayed in the bed, rubbing Jan's blonde hair, begging desperately for anxious-Jackie to shut the fuck up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we have it! I apologize, but this will be my last chapter for about a week. I have school and work and moving now that Canada is moving into our next done-with-quarantine stage. But I do have a lot of chapters outlined, so I will most definitely be back!!
> 
> Please! If you feel inclined, leave a comment! You guys don't even know how happy your comments make me. I feel like there is a whole community of fucked-up-anxious queer kids and you guys through commenting and reading and sharing your stories have helped me feel a lot less alone in the world!! Sorry, rambling!
> 
> Comment if you'd like! I'll be back soon!
> 
> Cheers!!


	7. You Could Still Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie realizes that her parents intend to meddle in her life, and Jan decides to support Jackie through her struggle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so so much for your patience. I hope so much that this chapter is worth the wait!!
> 
> CW for internalized homophobia and homophobia in general. It's not intense in this chapter, but I want to make sure you all are safe!
> 
> Cheers!

When Jackie awoke the next day, a very unfamiliar emotion washed over her. Jackie felt calm. She had made Jan happy, she had been able to sleep well, and she had a whole day to herself. The plan was to make a coffee and do a bit of studying. As Jackie heard thunder crack and watched her room light up with lightning, she decided to add a bubble bath to her schedule. Jackie stretched out, feeling the relief her back and shoulders were craving. The nap with Jan made her so happy, but it did a number on her sleep-deprived bones.

Just as Jackie was about to peel off her pyjamas and replace them with a thick, plush robe, her phone started to ring. She scrunched up her face, wondering who would be calling in the morning. To her horror, it was not only her mother, but it was her mother calling via facetime. As she groaned, Jackie tried to manage her wild hair and look more awake before answering her mother’s call. Taking a deep breath, Jackie accepted the call. As the call loaded, Jackie could see both of her parents sitting together. Her father was smiling and waving one of his hands as he held the phone with his other. Her mother had her usual stone-face, neither looking happy or upset to see Jackie. 

“Hey,” Jackie said, trying her best to look alert and sound cheerful.

“Planning on spending your whole day in bed?” Her mother scoffed. 

“I just came in here to take your call. I didn’t want to disrupt Nicky. She didn’t sleep well last night and went back to bed with a headache.” Jackie knew she was a terrible liar. With each superfluous detail she added, she knew it sounded more like a lie. But she couldn’t help it. She didn’t want to admit to her mother that she had just woken up. Even though it wasn’t her business, Jackie wasn’t in the mood for the fight it would cause. 

“You’re still in your pyjamas,” her mother pointed out.

“I have a day of studying ahead. I didn’t want to waste time getting dressed. Plus, it’s cozy with the storm. PJs, tea, and homework.” This was much less of a lie, but Jackie should have known her mother would notice that she was not dressed. 

“Pyjamas after 9am. Sheer laziness, Jacqueline.”

“Don’t listen to your mom! You’re a hard worker. If you need a jammies day while you do homework, I say, more power to you! You know how much I love cozy storm days,” her father countered. Jackie’s love of comfortable clothes, bubble baths, and hot drinks on stormy days came from her father. When she was a child, her father often dubbed stormy days as “their days” and he would make tea with honey for them while they read books together. It was one of Jackie’s most fond memories of growing up. 

“Thanks, Dad,” Jackie said softly. 

“The reason why we called you today,” her mother interjected, trying to move the conversation away from pyjamas. “Your father and I have some very exciting news.”

“Oh?” Jackie responded, trying not to laugh when her mother spoke of excitement because her face didn’t change at all.

“What are your plans besides sleeping the day away, Jacqueline?”

“I told you,” Jackie said, choosing to ignore her mother’s dig. “I am going to study. I am caught up on my readings so I figured I could spend my day getting ahead and looking at a few of my notes.”

“So you’re free for dinner?” Her father asked excitedly.

“Why?” Jackie asked tentatively. 

“A client at my office let me know that he has a son that is attending law school at Queen’s,” Her father began. “His name is Christopher and he just started his second year. He is a wonderful young man. He wants to work in corporate law-”

“Oh, God, Dad,” Jackie whined, realizing where her father was going.

“Jacqueline,” her mother snapped. “Your father is speaking. Hold your tongue.” 

“Christopher has agreed to take you out for dinner tonight,” her father continued. “He will be there to pick you up at 7 pm.”

“Dad, this is a stranger! I am not going with a stranger. In his car. That’s like, the number one rule of blind dates! And I don’t even know him. This is insane.” Jackie groaned. 

“Nonsense, this isn’t a blind date, Jacqueline. Your father knows his father. The restaurant is business casual. I suggest you wear pants because your knees look chubby in any of your pencil skirts.” Jackie couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of her parents. 

“Chubby knees, mom? That freaks you out more than me getting in the car with a person I don’t know?” 

“You are twenty-two years old and it’s time for you to start thinking about your future.” Her mother said, deflecting Jackie's irritation. 

“All I do is think about my future!” Jackie snapped accidentally. She always tried to keep her cool when speaking to her mother, but the stress was getting to her. And she was starting to wonder why she bothered to be meek when no matter what, her parents were unhappy. 

“Pardon?” Her mother snapped back. 

“My whole life has been about thinking about the future. Always studying for the next test. Always working on the next assignment. Always weighing out the best extracurricular activities for University. Always topping the class, might I add. And now you say it’s not good enough because I am single? That’s unfair.” Jackie worked very hard to stifle the tears that wanted to fall from her eyes. She couldn't give her mother that satisfaction.

“We know how hard you work,” her father said, finally stepping in. “I am so proud of you, Jacqueline. Please, we aren’t saying anything negative.”

“You are, though,” Jackie mumbled. 

“Enough, Jacqueline,” her mother snapped. “We are not sitting here to throw you a pity party or inflate your massive ego.”

“My massive ego?” Jackie asked, incredulously. “Dad?”

“What harm could a date do, kiddo?” Jackie’s father asked, completely ignoring his daughter’s pleas to come to her rescue. She stared into her father’s eyes, begging him to stand up for her. Even though he had never fought her mother on Jackie’s behalf, she still found herself longing. Of course, though, her father simply turned away from her gaze.

“You will not embarrass your father by cancelling this date. You will be attending. And you will end these pathetic displays. I am sick of watching you beg for validation.” Finally, Jackie started to let her tears fall. She was embarrassed and heartbroken. Her mother rolled her eyes as she started to cry.

“We just want what’s best for you,” her father said pleasantly. “We want you to sit and have a nice supper with a nice boy. And we both know how hard you’ve been working. So thinking about the social aspects of your future would be a lovely break. A nice night, with a nice person, and a nice meal. What could be bad?”

“Dad-” Jackie said as tears fell. She wanted so badly to tell her father what exactly was bad. A lesbian on a blind date with a man that nobody has ever met actually couldn’t be worse in Jackie’s eyes. It was dangerous. It was a lie to the poor man. It was uncomfortable. It was terrible all around. 

“Jacqueline, enough. Christopher will be at your door at 7. You will be ready. You will be gracious. You will go on the date and you will not embarrass your father. You should be overjoyed that we have set this up for you. Instead, as always, you fight, you cry, and you let us down.” Jackie’s mother ended the call quickly, not allowing Jackie to push the conversation further. As soon as the phone screen went dark, Jackie let the sobs out of her throat. Her heart was racing, her palms were sweating, and she knew that she was sitting on the edge of a panic attack. Quickly, she jumped out of her bed, running around the house to look for Nicky. Jackie needed a distraction desperately before her panic consumed her. However, it turned out that Nicky had already left for work. She sent Nicky a few texts, even though Jackie knew Nicky would not answer. And that also meant that Gigi would be out of the equation since her shifts in the office were always the same as Nickys. Her panicked mind led to a shot in the dark. Jackie grabbed a bottle of carbonated water, an Ativan, and called Jan.

“Hello?” Jan answered hesitantly.

“Hey, Jan, it’s Jackie. Obviously. Or maybe not obviously. I don’t know if you have my number saved. Do you? Have my number saved I mean.”’Jackie tried to stop herself from babbling unsuccessfully. 

“Yeah, I saved your number, girl. You’ve just never called me before so I’m pretty surprised. Although, I am glad. Because I wanted to thank you for yesterday. You have no idea how much you helped me.” Jan spoke cheerfully, not registering Jackie’s panic over the phone.

“Don’t mention it,” Jackie mumbled. 

“But, not that I don’t enjoy the opportunity to thank you again, why are you calling?” Jan asked. Jackie took a deep breath, trying to figure out where to begin. She had shared a lot about her parents with Jan, but there was also so much more that she hadn’t. Even in her grand info-dump in Jan’s car, a lot was missed. And how could she summarize twenty-two years of strain and anger over the phone quickly?

“I… My roommate is working,” Jackie began. 

“If this is a booty call Jacqueline, this is a weird time of day and a weird way to ask,” Jan teased. Her comment managed to make Jackie let out a small laugh, breaking the awkward tension that appeared whenever the topic of parents was broached.

“And yet, if it was a weird booty call, you’d be on your way anyway,” Jackie quipped. 

“Probably,” Jan admitted with a laugh. “But don’t flatter yourself. I would do pretty much anything to get away from the readings I’ve been avoiding. It’s not a compliment.” 

“My parents are making me go on a date with some son of one of my dad’s clients. Tonight. And my mom said I had chubby knees, which is harsh even for her.” Jackie blurted out. 

“Stop!” Jan gasped. 

“His name is Christopher and he is in law school. That’s all I know about him. And I’m pretty sure that’s all my parents know about him. They said he will pick me up and take me home from the date!” Jackie explained, allowing her irritation to shine through her voice brightly. 

“Are they trying to get you serial killed?” Jan teased. “Oh my god, what if he kills you and he takes your fat knees as a trophy? Could you imagine? They’d call him the Knee-T-K killer. Get it? Like BTK? I’m hilarious.”

“Oh you’re so funny,” Jackie said, rolling her eyes. 

“I’m kidding! You don’t have fat knees, Jacqueline.” Jan said, pretending to sound apologetic.

“Janice! This is serious. This is fucked, right?”

“Can you just, like, not go?” Jan asked. She was not trying to belittle Jackie’s struggle. She was just trying to clarify. Jackie had made clear the relationship was bad and strange, but not so clear that Jan had a full understanding. 

“Well, for saying that I felt this might be unsafe, I am disobedient and a disappointment and a letdown.” Jackie sighed. “So if I don’t go, there is going to be hell to pay. And I know I should stand up for myself and I’m a big girl-”

“It’s not that easy, and I promise you, I don’t think it is. I was just asking. I’m sorry that you have to go on this shitty date.” Jan said, softly. Jackie wanted nothing more than to bury herself in Jan. She wanted to feel her warm hands and taste her soft lips. But instead, she was looking at the clothes she had to wear to meet Christopher the lawyer.

“I’m sorry you’ve had to be between my chubby fucking knees,” Jackie teased.

“Oh my god,” Jan laughed. “What time is the date? If you told me, I already forgot.”

“He’s going to be here at 7 pm,” Jackie sighed.

“I’m sorry, Jacks,” Jan said, sadly.

“It’s okay,” Jackie groaned. “Thanks for letting me vent to you.”

**

At exactly 7, there was a knock on Jackie’s door. Sighing to herself, she let Christopher in. He looked like a nice enough boy, from what Jackie could tell. Nice enough that she felt guilty for lying to him. Even if it wasn’t strictly a lie, she was omitting the fact that this date was going to be a waste of time for him. And it felt unkind. 

“You must be Jacqueline,” The man said brightly, offering his hand for Jackie to shake. She took his hand graciously and found herself missing the feeling of Jan’s warm hands against her cold ones. Christopher’s hands were cold also. 

“Jackie, please,’ she said with a smile.

“Jackie! Well, I’m Christopher, but you can call me Chris. And I don’t always go on dates that my father arranges. But I am very glad that I agreed to this one.” Chris ran his fingers through his hair and offered Jackie a smile. 

“Yeah, it’s a strange situation,” Jackie laughed. Christopher gestured to the door, asking Jackie if she wanted to head out to the restaurant. They walked down the stairs in silence and exited the building together. Both Jackie and Christopher looked up when they heard a car screeching to a halt out front of Jackie’s apartment. To Jackie’s surprise, Jan stumbled out of the car, sobbing hysterically. Jackie exchanged a shocked look with Christopher as Jan ran and collapsed into Jackie’s arms. 

“He was cheating on me, Jackie!” Jan sobbed.

“What?” Jackie exclaimed. 

“Mark! I found him in bed with Jaida!” It dawned on Jackie that Jan was putting on a show. “I know you are so excited about your date, but I got home from work and he was having sex with her! He was fucking going to town on her!”

“Jan! Oh my god I’m so sorry,” Jackie cooed. She looked over at Christopher who had a face full of sympathy. He really did seem like a pleasant man. 

“I don’t want to ruin your date,” Jan bawled. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t know where else to go. And I didn’t know what else to do, especially because I am pregnant with his baby!”

“Ohh Jan,” Jackie sighed, as Christopher gasped in shock and horror. In Jackie’s opinion, Jan was laying on the drama way too heavily. But poor Christopher was buying everything that Jan was selling. 

“Jacqueline, do you want to reschedule? If you need to be with your friend, I understand. We can go out another time.” Christopher looked earnestly at Jackie.

“On no! Go! Please don’t cancel the date for me, I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have come here. I am sorry to ruin your date.” Jackie had to physically stop herself from rolling her eyes. Jan should have considered a career in daytime soap operas. 

“Come here,” Christopher pulled Jan into a tight hug. “You stay with your friend. I can take Jacqueline out at any time. And if you need somebody to beat the shit out of Mark, I’ve got your back. I’ll get your number from my father, okay Jacqueline?”

“If you’re sure,” Jackie sighed. Christopher offered both women a hug and excused himself. He got into the car and drove off without another word. Once they could no longer hear his car, Jan wiped her eyes and smirked at Jackie.

“He was cute. I can’t believe you weren’t into him. What are you, gay or something?” Jan teased. 

“I’m speechless,” Jackie said, bursting into a fit of laughter. “You’re an actress.”

“You’re welcome!”

“I have no idea how I can ever repay you,” Jackie said, with her voice full of love for her friend. She was so grateful for Jan’s antics, no matter how dramatic or silly they were. 

“Well,” Jan began. “It looks like you might have your night free now. Maybe you should spend it with me.”

“Absolutely,” Jackie said excitedly. She knew it wasn’t the end of the conversation about Christopher. In fact, Jackie thought her parents were going to lose their minds when they found out that she didn’t go out with Christopher. But still, somehow, Jackie felt calm again. It was the effect Jan had on her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what your thoughts are! I would love to hear what you think and what you feel about this chapter! It was definitely a really cute route, but I feel like, after so much angst in this story, a really soft and silly chapter was necessary. Back to your regularly scheduled angst ASAP!!
> 
> Again, drop me a review if you like!
> 
> Cheers!!


	8. What You Want to Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie spends a lovely night with Nicky and Jan, and is then forced to deal with the consequences of cancelling her date with Christopher.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the love on the last chapter! I was excited to put out a piece that would act as some brevity because this chapter is a real doozy. 
> 
> CW for homophobia and abuse. Specifically, abuse related to homophobia. This is all quite explicit in this chapter, so please be safe if you choose to read it. If that stuff is potentially triggering, please skip this chapter!!! The gist of what happened will be in the next chapter, so you won't miss anything.

Jan ended up spending the night with Jackie. The two shared wine with Jackie's roommate, and Jan fit in effortlessly with Jackie and Nicky. Nicky was tentative about Jan initially after knowing how she tormented Jackie, but once the initial awkwardness subsided, it was like the three girls had known each other forever. She even decided she wanted to try and set Nicky up with one of her roommates. After a day of fighting with her mother and Ativan, an evening of chatter and a night of passion and lust was exactly what Jackie needed. Jackie felt so calm in Jan's presence that it almost made her anxious. Paradoxical, probably. But a lack of anxiety often breeds anxiety in anxious people. Still, Jackie felt good in Jan's presence. She also felt very good with her hands around Jan's neck, she learned - but that wasn't the point. Waking up with Jan in her bed felt easy. Making tea while Jan sat on her counter, babbling about nothing, felt comfortable. Jackie realized she might have a crush on her rival, as she felt peaceful watching Jan smile. 

"Good morning, dolls," Nicky said, smiling and dressed for work as she took some hot water from the kettle that Jackie had boiled. The girls greeted her warmly as she added instant coffee to the boiling water. Jackie was surprised when she heard the apartment door open. Nicky explained that Gigi had forgotten to pack a coffee for work, so Nicky said she could come in to make one. Jackie groaned, realizing that Gigi would probably grill Jan, or grill her for having sex with Jan again. She tried to shoot Jan an apologetic look, but Jan just shrugged. 

"God, this has been the worst morning! Everything that could have gone wrong completely blew up in my face! And to top it all off, no fucking coffee!" Gigi sighed dramatically. She stepped loudly for emphasis, making the heels of her stilettos click loudly. Gigi looked around for sympathy when her eyes connected with Jan's. She looked very surprised and turned to Jackie. “Nicky didn't tell me you had company. Sorry."

"It's fine," Jackie said nervously.

"Gigi,  _ this _ is Jan," Nicky said, cocking her eyes toward Jan. Gigi looked as though she had just received the juiciest piece of gossip of all time. Her jaw dropped into an enthralled smile. The looks that Nicky and Gigi exchanged assured Jackie that Jan wearing a pair of Jackie's oversized Star Trek pyjamas would be the talk of their drive to work.

" _ This  _ is Jan," Gigi smirked at Jackie. "Here. In the morning. In your PJs."

"Jan and Jackie had a sleepover," Nicky teased. Jan laughed and winked while Jackie looked horrified. Gigi smiled, realizing that she had the opportunity to embarrass her friend and that Jan was a good sport about the situation.

"Goodbye, girls," Jackie hinted. 

"I'm Gigi," she said, introducing herself while ignoring Jackie’s pressure to leave. 

"Nice to meet you," Jan said with a bright smile. "I've heard so much about you. All good things, I promise."

"Then you've definitely been lied to," Gigi snorted. "But it's nice to meet you too. Finally. Heard you and Jackie did well on your paper."

"We did, yeah. We work well together." Jan agreed. 

"I've heard," Gigi said, with a knowing smirk.

"It sounded like they worked well together last night too," Nicky giggled. Jan laughed and apologized while Gigi cackled. Jackie, however, was not amused. 

"Oh my god," Jackie whined, pushing Gigi and Nicky toward the door and out of the kitchen. 

"Yes! That's what I heard you saying all night!" Nicky teased.

"Go to work!" Jackie demanded, feeling her cheeks flush. Jan, however, was unphased. She was used to the teasing of her own roommates and friends, so her huge laugh and toothy grin were spurring Nicky and Gigi on. 

"We can't leave now! I want to get to know the only person who's ever made you com-" Gigi teased.

"Goodbye! Have a good day!" Jackie yelled, interrupting Gigi. Nicky and Gigi laughed so loud, Jackie could still hear them laughing as they were in the hall of the building. Jackie's face was completely red.

"I love them!" Jan said, clapping her hands together. 

“Yeah, I bet you do," Jackie mumbled, rolling her eyes.

"Am I really the first person to ever make you come, Jacqueline?" Jan asked, raising her eyebrows and smirking.

"Absolutely not," Jackie joked. "I'm really good at making myself come, thank you very much."

"Oh, I would really love to see that," Jan said suggestively. Jackie's jaw dropped, but Jan showed no indication that she was joking or teasing. Trying to find a witty retort, Jackie found herself stammering while her cheeks flushed all over again.

"I-" Jackie tried.

"Show me," Jan said softly, jumping off the counter, and walking to Jackie's bedroom. Jackie felt herself throb and quickly followed Jan toward her own bedroom. She grabbed for Jan but was interrupted when the girls heard someone pounding on the front door of Jackie's apartment. The girls exchanged glances, as Jan and Jackie had already discussed that no company was expected. Only a few seconds later, the pounding on the door repeated. This time, it was somehow louder and more violent. Jackie jogged over to the door and looked through the peephole. She was petrified to see her parents were at her door. 

"What are you doing here?" Jackie asked, incredulously. 

“You directly disobeyed us, Jacqueline,” her mother boomed as she pushed passed Jackie, making her way to the living room. Jackie followed behind her parents, asking them why they were there and what her mother was talking about. Feeling as though she was living one of her nightmares, Jackie watched as her parents came face to face with Jan, still standing in Jackie’s Star Trek pyjamas. 

“Who is this?” Jackie’s father asked, instantly recognizing the pyjamas that he bought for his daughter’s birthday the year before. His eyes were full of worry, and Jackie couldn’t bring herself to meet his gaze.

“Dad-” Jackie said sadly, before being interrupted by her mother.

“You need to explain yourself,” her mother said angrily. 

“What-”

“Your father called Christopher’s father to ask how your date went. And after we specifically told you not to cancel, you cancelled. How dare you?” Jackie’s mother spat. “We ask so little of you, Jacqueline. And consistently, you let us down.”

“I’m going to go,” Jan said, trying to excuse herself. She shot Jackie an apologetic look and hurried back to the bedroom to get her clothes. Jackie hoped that her parents would pause their argument for Jan to leave the house, but her mother got right back to yelling at her as soon as Jackie's door closed. She sighed, realizing that Jan was going to probably be stuck in her room for a while.

“Why did you cancel?” Jackie’s mother asked angrily. 

“I told you many, many times that I didn’t want to go,” Jackie began. “I told you I was anxious. I made my discomfort very clear. And you both insisted.”

“We just want what’s best for you,” her father said softly.

"But-"

"No buts! We made a specific choice for you for a reason!" Her mother snapped. "You are a child. You do not know what it means to build a life for yourself. We did this for you out of kindness and love, and you cancel. It's a symptom of the larger problem. You are disobedient. You will one day understand that we are doing what is best for you."

“You have no idea what’s best for me!” Jackie yelled, feeling twenty-two years of silent rage exploding out of her mouth and all over her parents. Her mother’s face contorted, not used to Jackie raising her voice.

“Jacqueline,” her father warned calmly, but Jackie was too angry to heed his warning.

“No! Don’t  _ Jacqueline  _ me, Dad. How can you watch her speak to me like this? Literally she does nothing but yell at me and speak down to me. Do you also hate me?” Her father cringed.

“Do not speak to your father that way!” Her mother yelled.

“Stop speaking to  _ me _ that way! For fuck’s sake!” Jackie was yelling in a way that she had never yelled before. Both of her parents looked disarmed, but her mother was not going to back down easily. 

“Jacqueline,” her mother warned. “You know how I feel about that language.”

“What could I do to make you happy?”

“Excuse me?” 

“What could I do to make you happy?” Jackie asked again, letting angry tears fall from her eyes. “I have never made you happy, and I am starting to think I can’t. Nothing I have ever done has impressed you. Nothing I have ever done has made you happy. I don’t understand. I have no idea why you hate me. I don’t know what I did or didn’t do! So why try? Why go on a date with someone I could never possibly care about? Why bother trying? I will never make you happy.”

“Kiddo-” her father started.

“Don't throw her a pity party,” Jackie’s mother huffed. 

“I need one of you to answer me,” Jackie snapped. “What did I ever do that was such a letdown? I want to know why I am such a disappointment. You’ve told me for twenty-two years how much of a disaster I am. Most parents would be stoked to have a daughter like me! I am really not that fucking bad!”

“We are proud of you, Jacqueline,” her father said quietly.

“Maybe you are. But she isn’t. And because you let her treat me like this, your pride doesn’t really matter, does it?” Jackie wiped her eyes and looked sadly at her father. Jackie finally understood that she was going to be fighting this battle alone. She remembered her therapist saying that even if her father disagreed with her mother, the fact that he kept his mouth shut was the only thing that mattered. Jackie finally knew without a doubt what that meant.

“Oh poor Jacqueline,” her mother cooed sarcastically. “Your terrible life was so hard. You were never beaten. You were never starved. You had books and games and shelter. You speak as though you were abused. You were never abused. You are just weak. You are a weak, petulant child.”

“I am not weak,” Jackie sobbed. 

“Sobbing like an infant,” her mother pointed out.

“Fuck you.”

“Excuse me?” Her mother roared. 

“I am done with this. I am done with both of you right now. I am sick to death of never being enough. You two are going to make me fucking kill myself,” Jackie yelled emphatically. Her mother’s eyes were full of rage, but her father’s eyes were full of realization. 

“Weak,” her mother snarled. 

“She was the blonde friend you cancelled your date for?’’ Jackie’s father asked.

“What?” Jackie asked, confused. 

“The girl hiding in your room,” her father said, pointing to Jackie’s bedroom door. 

“I-”

“Christopher said your blonde friend was in trouble so you cancelled. We assumed he meant Nicolette. But that girl, she’s the one that you cancelled the date for.” Her father was clearly not asking, he was realizing.

“Yes,” Jackie whispered. 

“She’s wearing your pyjamas,” Her father said. Jackie knew he was putting it all together. Jackie searched her father’s face for any emotion at all, but it was empty. He was not showing Jackie anything. 

“Dad-”

“She slept over.”

“Yeah,” Jackie nodded.

“Why do you care about this girl? It doesn’t matter why she cancelled the date, it matters that she cancelled, specifically after we told her not to!” Her mother snapped.

“You’re so desperate for me to go out with this man that you don’t even know,” Jackie sighed, finally realizing why her father was caught up in this Christopher scheme. Even though he didn’t stand up for her, Jackie’s father usually had her back when it came to her mother’s meddling. But he was the one who came up with the Christopher plan. He was the one who set it up. 

“Jacqueline,” he started. 

“How long have you known?” Jackie asked. 

"It's not true," he said, shaking his head.

"Dad-"

"Jacqueline, please deny it." He begged.

"I-"

“What do you know?” Jackie’s mother asked, looking back and forth between her husband and her daughter. Her father was still staring blankly. 

“I’m a lesbian, mom,” Jackie said quietly. Neither of her parents spoke. Her mother’s eyes were filled with more rage than Jackie had ever seen. She took a step toward Jackie and landed a smack directly across Jackie’s face. Without a word, she walked out the door of Jackie’s apartment. Jackie clutched her cheek, sobbing hard. Her father still showed no emotion.

“I hoped you weren’t,” her father said, finally having a lilt of emotion in his voice. To Jackie’s surprise, her father sounded angry. It was the tone of voice she was used to hearing from her mother. 

“Dad-”

“Do not call me that,” her father said, backing toward the door. “You are not my daughter.”

“I-”

“We just wanted what was best for you Jacqueline. |All we ever wanted. It appears we wasted our time.” With that, her father left the apartment. Jackie was left, clutching her cheek, and reeling from what happened. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I would really love to hear your opinions and hear what you think about this chapter! I know it wasn't an easy one to read, but I really appreciate you sticking with me through a really angsty and upsetting story.


	9. What You Said You Were

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie and Jan spend a morning together, discussing the nature of queerness, family, and what exactly their relationship means.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate you all SO MUCH for all the comments you left on the last chapter. You guys are so kind it's incredible. Thank you so much!
> 
> CW for homophobia and for abuse. It's not intense but it is very clearly and bluntly stated. Please be careful with this one, even though over all, some fluff and angst both wait here.
> 
> CANADIAN LINGO  
> OSAP - Ontario Student's Assistance Program. It's the financial aid for University and College in Ontario.
> 
> Cheers!!

Jackie quietly walked into her room. She tried to avoid Jan’s eyes as she leaned against the door and slid to the floor. Jan was sitting on Jackie’s bed, tears staining her cheeks, with her mouth agape. Desperately, she tried to think of something to say to comfort Jackie, but there was nothing. Instead, she got off of Jackie’s bed and went to rub the cheek that glowed an angry red from the slap that she had received. Jan had heard everything, and had wanted desperately to intervene, but she knew Jackie would never forgive her for it if she did. The gentle contact from Jan’s warm fingertips stung Jackie’s face but felt so safe and genuine that it made Jackie start to cry again. Jackie wrapped her arms around her knees and let full-bodied sobs out of her chest. The sobs shattered Jan’s heart. She pulled up a seat beside Jackie and leaned her head on Jackie’s shoulder as the sobs got more violent. Not many things made Jan speechless, but she was at a loss. There was no question in her mind why Jackie had so many issues with her own sexuality. She was raised to hate herself. After a few minutes of Jackie’s cries, she abruptly stopped. She frantically wiped her face, trying to remove any tears that had been present. 

“Sorry,” Jackie mumbled with a lilt of anger in her voice. 

“Jacks-”

“Didn’t mean to let that happen in front of you. Really uncomfortable. There were a lot of ways that we could have dealt with that. I regret it.” Jackie sighed, lifting herself off of the floor.

“No, please don’t apologize. Are you…” Jan knew that Jackie wasn’t okay. How could she be? But what else could she say? What else should she ask? And she knew that Jackie was going to try and side-step the issue. 

“Fine,” Jackie said with a curt nod. “Just have a lot of studying to do.”

“Do you want to talk?”

“Nope,” she said, shaking her head. Jackie made her way toward her bed. “You can let yourself out. I am going to do some homework. Lots of readings I can get ahead on.”

“Jackie…”

"Janice, I'm fine."

"Can we please-"

“I said I’m fine,” Jackie snapped. She made herself comfortable on her bed and pulled a few books and her laptop off of her bedside table. Avoiding Jan’s eyes, Jackie started to half-heartedly read a chapter. Instead of leaving, Jan sat beside Jackie. Boundaries were important and if Jackie had honestly wanted her to leave, Jan would have left. But this felt like Jackie trying to push her away again. This didn't feel like an earnest attempt to be alone. This felt like Jackie was trying to go back to what they were before. So Jan stayed. She put her head back on Jackie's shoulder again. Jackie breathed deeply before slowly closing her book and laptop. 

"You don't have to be fine, you know," Jan pointed out quietly. 

"I don’t have a choice,” Jackie huffed.

"Jacqueline, that's not true. You can be mad and sad and hurt and irritated and frustrated and you can scream and cry! Have a fit! Break a plate or something!" Jan tried to hold Jackie's hand, but Jackie quickly pulled her hand away.

"That's not how I deal with things. And you know that. I'm fine." Jackie said coolly.

"You aren't fine," Jan sighed.

"Are you out?" Jackie asked, ignoring Jan's attempts to get her to discuss what had happened. Not that she was surprised about the side-step, but Jan was caught off guard by the question specifically. 

"Like, do people know that I'm a lesbian?" Jan tried to clarify.

"Yeah," Jackie asked.

"I've been out for a while," Jan nodded. 

"Did it go badly?" Jackie asked. 

"No," Jan admitted.

"Tell me about it," Jackie implored.

"Why? I don't think that is a good idea right now, Jacqueline. I think we should talk about you. What happened one hundred years ago with my family isn't important." Jan felt sharing her coming out story would not be helpful.

"Was it nice?"

"Jack-"

"Janice I need to know that there is good. I need to hear about happiness right now. I need to know that there are queer people whose parents are excited for them or are at least aren’t unhappy. I need rainbows and unicorns and acceptance for a few minutes. Please. Tell me about how they hugged you and told you they were proud and they loved you no matter what. Tell me that nobody hit you or disowned you and that they were so happy." Jackie's tears returned silently, even though she tried to stifle them. Jan sighed, her eyes leaking the same tears as Jackie.

"I came out when I was sixteen. I had gone to a party and made out with this cute girl from the concert band. The concert band was doing the music for the show I was in. Fiddler on the Roof. Anyway, it just made sense. I had never been into any guys, you know? Never had crushes on them. Lots of crushes on girls but I wrote them off as just like, being a fan if they were a celebrity or really,  _ really  _ wanting to be their friend if they were someone I knew. But this girl, she was adorable. She had the softest dark skin and the most gorgeous brown eyes. She played clarinet and she was a year older and she was out and she kissed me. Fireworks, Jackie. It was fireworks. So the next day I sat down with my mom and I cried to her about it because I was scared and overwhelmed. I told her I thought I was a lesbian. She hugged me and told me that the only thing she  _ needed  _ me to be was her daughter. Everything else was a bonus as long as she had me." Jackie's silent tears continued but she smiled at Jan. She grabbed Jan's hand and squeezed it tightly.

"That's so sweet, Jan."

"Yeah, it was lovely. When I told my dad and my step-mom, they thanked me for telling them and told me they always wondered. Something about me playing softball and soccer and taking ballet and singing lessons all made them wonder, you know? The whole Troy Bolton combo seemed very lesbian to them apparently. That, and my unhealthy obsession with Sandra Oh when she was on Grey's Anatomy." Jan said with a laugh. 

"Dr. Yang," Jackie mused, wiping her eyes. "You have pretty good taste."

"I mean I told everyone I loved Grey's Anatomy because I wanted to be a doctor. But my step-mom said that was basically her first hint, because I couldn’t stop talking about how pretty Dr. Yang was," Jan laughed. "And I have two brothers. One is two years younger and one is just over a year older. We called ourselves the three musketeers growing up. Always super close, so they weren’t too surprised. We basically had always bonded over finding girls hot. They were cool about it. My oldest brother used to go to parties with me in University, we both went to Mac, and we would make bets about the girls, which Mantione the cute girls would want to go home with."

"You're competitive to a fault," Jackie laughed. 

"What makes you say that? When have I ever been competitive with you, Dr. Cox?" Jan teased, eliciting an eye roll from Jackie. "Was that the rainbows and unicorns that you were looking for?"

"Yeah," Jackie nodded. "Thanks for sharing that with me. I needed it."

Jackie pushed everything school related off her bed and onto the floor gently. She wiggled herself back under her thick plum duvet, and motioned for Jan to join her. Wasting no time, in case Jackie slipped into anger, Jan dove under the blankets and laid her head on Jackie's chest. Jackie's hand moved to Jan's blonde hair and she started twirling strands between her fingers. The air was uncomfortable, but Jackie could feel herself breathe easier with Jan there. 

"That went about how I thought it would go, if I'm being honest," Jackie sighed after a long silence. “Especially my mom. That was pretty much what I expected to happen.” 

"Yeah?

"I always made sure I had savings and grants and OSAP to pay for school. I never relied on them for money or school because I knew everything was conditional. Not conditional on being straight, mind you. I hadn't even wanted to explore that idea further until I met you, Dr. Mantione. But I always knew that my mom would eventually be done with me. So I made sure I didn't need them. This is what I expected." Jackie explained, but the thought didn't sound complete.

"But?" 

"But I didn’t expect  _ him _ to hate me," Jackie sighed. 

"He wasn't like that normally?"

"My dad… he is hard to explain. He always was my protector until my mom was there. We were always a team, until she was involved. He didn’t necessarily have her back, but he didn't have mine either. Which in the long run was just taking her side really. I didn’t realize how homophobic he was though. My mom was always the most outwardly awful, so she was the main concern in my mind. But I think the whole Christopher thing had to be his idea. Like, she was more mad that I disobeyed. The second he recognized the pyjamas you were wearing, Jan, he looked so sad. He set up the date to try and see if I could just pick a nice man, I think. He always was so complimentary of all the boys I ever brought home or who picked me up for dates. It’s like he was trying to positively reinforce the idea of dating men, now that I think about it... But it didn’t occur to me until today. He was supposed to be the good one. So now I'm just kind of blindsided." Jackie felt sick to her stomach when she thought about the way her father dismissed her. It hurt more than her mother's slap. 

"Jacks, that's so brutal. I wish there was something I could say to fix it." Jan said sadly.

"There's nothing. As soon as I slept with you I knew this was coming. I really just didn't think it would hurt like this." Jackie pulled Jan closer and let Jan nuzzle into her neck. Her anxious mind started to ask what exactly was happening between herself and Jan, but the other part of her anxious mind told her to focus on her current problem. Both anxieties married together to send Jackie's mind wild, but she tried to focus on Jan's soft breathing. 

"Can I ask you a question?" Jan asked. 

"Sure," Jackie sighed.

"Was that the first time you were ever hit?"

"Oh, god no." Jackie cackled. The way she was so nonchalant about the whole thing made Jan cringe. It wasn’t Jan’s place to tell Jackie how to deal with her own trauma, but the laughter was painful to hear.

"Jackie," Jan sighed.

"Didn't you hear my mom's tirade? I was never beaten. But that doesn't mean that whenever my horrible attitude or massive ego show up, I don't make her so angry that she has no choice but to," Jackie said sarcastically.

"Fuck, Jackie."

"Yeah well. I guess that's over at least." Jackie laughed sadly. 

“Fuck,” Jan repeated.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Jackie agreed. “Now can I ask you a question?”

“Shoot,” Jan nodded.

“What are you and I doing?”

“Like… What are we?” Jan was surprised again by where Jackie’s mind was. She knew that Jackie was anxious, which led to topic-bouncing. But it still was a trait that Jan was trying to get used to. Especially when Jackie shared so much of herself and experienced a traumatic event just a few minutes prior. To jump to the topic of what their relationship was caught Jackie off guard. Even though she was starting to be used to Jackie's idiosyncratic mannerisms. 

“Yeah,” Jackie said.

“Oh god, don’t you think that’s probably the worst thing to talk about right now?”

“Probably,” Jackie agreed. “But my parents just disowned me while you were in earshot. Most people wait at least a few months before taking such a big step. Is this just the fucked up version of U-Hauling?”

“Fuck off,” Jan laughed. “I hate how quickly you joke about this stuff!”

“I laugh or I cry. Something is going to happen, you know? At least I can be a bit more in control of it if I make jokes. And then at least if I can laugh about it, it won’t sink in as deep. It won’t hurt as much if it’s funny.” 

“Does that really work?” Jan asked.

“So far? No. But I keep trying,” Jackie smirked.

“I don’t know what we are, Jacks. You’re a weird and confusing woman.” Jan teased.

“Fair,” Jackie agreed, wrapping her cold hands tightly around Jan. Her body just radiated the same sunshine that her personality did, so Jackie was happy to try and absorb her body heat. She was always so soft.

“I know I don’t intend to go easy on you in lecture tomorrow,” Jan said, propping herself up to look Jackie in the eyes. Jackie laughed, but Jan looked very serious and resolute. 

“Seriously?” 

“Dead serious,” Jan nodded. “My grades are the best in classes where I get to show everyone how much smarter I am than you.”

“You are absolutely not smarter than me,” Jackie scoffed.

“Oh, but I am,” Jan said, finally offering Jackie the taunting smirk that always made Jackie tingle. “See, I like you Jacqueline. I think your pussy tastes fantastic and you make me laugh. Plus, laying on your chest is the comfiest. But I am a better student, and I’ve got four years to prove it. When I graduate top of the class, I just hope you don’t get too jealous is all.”

“You’re a rotted cunt,” Jackie said letting out a forceful laugh.

“Fair,” Jan teased, moving to sit on Jackie, straddling her. “It’s going to be just so delightful when I top you, Jacks.”

“When  _ you  _ top  _ me _ ?” Jackie asked incredulously. 

“That’s what I said!”

“You have yet to top me, Janice. And class will be no different. My hands are usually around  _ your _ neck, remember? I hope you can still run your pretty mouth after I embarrass you at graduation.” Jackie leaned forward and kissed Jan. The kiss was soft and passionate. Jackie half wondered if there was intent behind all of Jan’s double-entendres and teasing, but there was no sensual touching or desperation. Jan was just reciprocating a loving kiss, not trying to initiate. 

“I really hoped being someone’s lesbian awakening would be a lot less sad,” Jan said, rolling off of Jackie to lay beside her again. “I’ve never been a lesbian awakening before. But it made you really angry instead of making you worship me.”

“Sorry darling,” Jackie said sarcastically. 

“You gonna get your roommate and friends together and have a good night with them or something? I feel like you should be around your friends and stuff right now.” Jan suggested.

“I don’t even know what I need yet,” Jackie shrugged. “It’s still pretty surreal. A part of me is wondering if this was just a really vivid dream, you know? I’ve thought of this moment non-stop since I met you. What they would say, what they would do, everything. And now that it was confirmed and real, it’s not confirmed and real. In my mind at least.”

“I bet,” Jan said, connecting her body to Jackie’s again. There wasn’t anything that she could say to make the pain go away, so Jan just wanted to make her physical presence clear to Jackie. 

“I like you,” Jackie mumbled. “Just so you know. I like you a lot.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course. There’s a part of me that hates you a lot and blames you for everything. But that’s just an asshole part of me. And… you’ve already met that part of me unfortunately.” Jackie said, offering Jan a sad smile.

“Yeah, she’s not my favourite iteration of Jackie,” Jan agreed, smiling warmly. “But at least I already know what I’m getting into. And to be fair, you’ve also met asshole Jan.” 

“I made that happen,” Jackie reminded her. 

“And you’ve already been more than forgiven, or I would have stopped sitting on your face a while ago,” Jan teased.

“Classy way to put it,” Jackie laughed.

“Well it’s true!” Jan said, planting a few kisses on Jackie’s chest. 

“I don’t know what I really want out of us, or what I can even offer. After all of this, I’m pretty fucking terrified, Jan. Like, I don’t know exactly what I can be for you. And I don’t know what I need.” Jackie admitted.

“That’s cool,” Jan said. “Look, I like you too. I didn’t like the hot and cold weirdness, but if you just wanna hang out and see where this goes, I like that option.”

“You’re cool with being friends and rivals who fuck?” Jackie laughed.

“I’m cool with you being unsure, and hanging out with my friend while she figures shit out,” Jan clarified. “And I wouldn’t consider you my rival really, Jacqueline. I’m so above you that it’s almost unfair.”

“Bitch,” Jackie laughed. Things were bad. Things were bad. But for the first time, Jackie really felt like she had some people in her corner. Nicky and Gigi would do anything to help her and take care of her through this difficult time. And now she also had Jan. It was exciting to have a team for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Thank you for putting up with my weird ass update schedule!! Hope to have the next chapter up very soon!!!!
> 
> Leave a comment! Let me know what you think!!
> 
> Cheers!!!!


	10. When I Met You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicky and Gigi convince Jackie to let her hair down and have a little bit of fun at a Halloween party. Some new found confidence makes Jan even more interested in Jackie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, the love you guys gave me on the last chapter was overwhelming! Thank you all so much! You guys are so kind and loving and wonderful. I feel so honoured and happy and excited to share everything. 
> 
> Am I giving you guys a chapter of smutty fun and softness? Yes. Nothing but the most fun in this chapter.
> 
> CANADIAN DICTIONARY:  
> Roots - An outdoor/Athleisure brand that is mid price and is famous in my neck of the wood. Think cottage-core lesbian. Sock Monkey stripes and buffalo plaid. A fav of mine!
> 
> Cheers!!

Jackie didn't usually "do" Halloween. She wasn't a partier in general, and trying to party while in an uncomfortable Halloween costume was the cherry on top of a sundae that Jackie didn't want. But Nicky and Gigi insisted, and after the first eight weeks of medical school, even Jackie knew that she needed a break. The three girls decided they would get ready for the party together in Nicky's bedroom, sharing cheap gin and weed while listening to 2000s pop music. Jackie took a hit off of Gigi's pink dab pen while listening to Missy Elliot as Gigi and Nicky discussed their outfits for the party. Gigi had decided the group of girls would all go as cats, despite Jackie's protests. She said it was cliche and out of her comfort zone, but wasn't able to rebut when Nicky pointed out that it was cheap to just put some ears on with a slinky dress, and hopefully she would be too buzzed to care about comfort. 

"So I'll wear my little white dress, Nicky can wear her new little brown one, and Jackie, you can wear Nicky's black ruched dress, you know the one," Gigi said, as she tossed colour coordinated ears to the corresponding girl. Jackie groaned as she fiddled with the black headband with black felt cat ears.

"That dress is a full size too small for me," Jackie whined, taking another hit from the dab pen. "It looks like it's painted on me!"

"That's the point," Nicky said as she rolled her eyes. She made her way over to Jackie and traded the dress for the dab pen. Gigi laughed as Jackie let out a huff, looking at how short the dress was. 

"Wear these too," Gigi said as she tossed an unopened pair of fishnet tights at Jackie, who made a face. "It's Halloween for fuck's sake! We know this isn't a Jacqueline Cox staple. Put them on and be a stupid, slutty cat with us!"

"I'm not high enough for this," Jackie mumbled, slipping off her jogging pants and taking her tee shirt off. Nicky let out a laughing snort when Jackie stripped.

"Do you have anything else you can wear under that?" Nicky teased, gesturing to the basic black bra and cotton full brief panties that Jackie was wearing.

"Why?" Jackie groaned. 

"I told you! You're being a slut with us, Jackie!" Gigi whined. "Quit trying to ruin the fun! Just be sexy one time! Please?"

"Nobody is going to see my panties, Gigi. It doesn’t matter what I wear underneath my dress. There is no reason to dig out anything fancy," Jackie said. Nicky and Gigi exchanged a glance that puzzled Jackie. 

"As far as you know," Nicky said.

"What does that mean?" Jackie questioned. 

"You never know who you're going to meet at the party," Gigi sang, obviously knowing something that Jackie didn't. Jackie scrunched her face and scowled.

"I dont have anyone I want to impress," Jackie said.

"You're going to impress everyone in that dress. You’re going to look so sexy it’s unbelievable. Now, go grab some panties to match," Nicky said as she slipped on her slinky brown dress over the black bustier set she was wearing. Both Nicky and Gigi were in the dresses they had chosen to wear, and both looked flawless. Jackie sighed as she dramatically walked to her own bedroom. She rooted through her underwear drawer to find the lace black bra and sheer lace panties that Nicky had talked her into during an afternoon of retail therapy. Once she returned to Nicky's room in the lacy set, Nicky and Gigi both let out wolf whistles while Jackie flipped them off.

"Who am I going to know at this party?" Jackie asked as she shimmied into the tight dress that Nicky had lent her. Getting into the dress was a workout, but Jackie couldn't help but admire her own reflection. She felt a twinge of unfamiliar confidence that sat nicely in her chest. Her posture straightened and she found herself somewhat in awe of her own body. Maybe it was the weed or the weight of parental imposed self-hatred lightening somewhat, but Jackie felt _good_.

"It's going to be mostly people we work with at the University and whoever they bring," Gigi said nonchalantly. She exchanged a smirk with Nicky who let out a small laugh.

"What are you not telling me?" Jackie asked.

"The new girl who works in the learning commons, her name is Crystal. She and I have been chatting and she's going to be there tonight. And she told me she is bringing her roommates." Gigi hinted.

"Crystal?" Jackie asked, fairly nervous that she knew what Gigi was about to tell her. "Redhead? Latina? Tall?"

"Yep," Gigi nodded. 

"And she wants to bring her roommates?" Jackie asked, fairly horrified.

"Her roommates named Jaida and Janice," Nicky exclaimed gleefully as Jackie rolled her eyes while sighing. The girls hadn't spent much time together outside of school sanctioned events and coffee meetups ever since the day Jackie had to come out to her parents. Their rivalry had returned, much to the happiness of their professors and their grade point averages, but Jackie had taken a bit of space. They chatted about deadlines and aneurysms, but not much else. Jan followed Jackie's lead, not pushing Jackie toward anything she wasn't ready for. For the last few weeks they had been competitive medical students who got coffee together before class, and nothing more.

"I'm not coming!" Jackie exclaimed.

"Yes you are!" Gigi laughed.

"Then I'm not wearing  _ this _ !" Jackie exclaimed, gesturing to the too-small dress and fishnets she was wearing that left very little to the imagination. 

"Yes you are!" Nicky said.

"I can't wear this in front of Jan!" Jackie yelped. 

"You've bit her ass until the skin broke!" Gigi laughed. "You don't need to be embarrassed to have your thighs out!"

"Fuck off!" Jackie laughed, understanding Gigi's point completely, but hating the way she phrased it. 

"You're going," Nicky said definitively. She poured three shots of gin and passed one each Gigi and Jackie. "Take this and finish getting ready. Gigi will help you put your nose and whiskers on!"

**

Jackie stood in the entrance hall of the home where the Halloween party was taking place. She stood behind Gigi and Nicky as they loudly greeted some of their coworkers over the bass of the music that was playing. Her friends reintroduced her to people that she had met, and introduced her to people she hadn't. Jackie wasn't paying much attention. She was too busy scanning the dark house for Jan. The house was full of people, drinking, smoking, dancing and talking. But Jackie wasn't able to find Jan. Once she felt safe that Jan wasn't around, Jackie decided to wander the party. She pulled a bottle of Vodka out of the purse she wore across her body and took a sip.

The party reminded Jackie of any party she had attended in her University career. The music was too loud. The room was too hot and too sticky. The air smelled like weed, cigarettes, and sweat. Jackie grimaced, feeling out of place. She brought the vodka bottle to her lips and took another sip, hoping that adding to her buzz would make this a bit more fun.

"Jacks!" A familiar voice yelled out over the music. Jackie turned around and was facing Jan, clad in a tight red dress with plastic devil horns sitting among blonde curls. "Crystal said that your friends might be dragging you here, but I didn't believe them!"

"What do you mean? You can't keep me away from a good party," Jackie said sarcastically. 

"You look…" Jan began. Instead of finishing her sentence, Jan bit her lip as she looked Jackie up and down. Jackie knew that she was hot, but the flush that was creeping to her cheeks was from the way Jan looked at her.

"Fitting that you'd be dressed as the devil," Jackie teased, trying to take her mind away from the lust in Jan's eyes. Jan laughed and dramatically snatched the vodka bottle from Jackie's purse. She took a big drink and smirked.

"Well once a hot girl calls you a succubus, the imagery sticks in your head," Jan laughed. She put the vodka bottle back in Jackie's purse dramatically. 

"I hate you," Jackie said, pulling Gigi's dab pen out of the purse she was holding. "Do you want to go outside and smoke with me?"

"I can't believe you're here in this skin tight dress and now you want me to smoke with you. Who are you tonight?" Jan asked, clearly being silly because It was obvious she was happy to see Jackie so relaxed.

"Meow," Jackie said drily, turning on her heel to go outside while Jan giggled behind her. Walking toward the front door, ready for another hit and some cool October air, Jackie felt eyes all over her. The attention was still feeling unfamiliar, as Jackie generally preferred to hide in the background. But the drinks and the smoke and the banter with Jan had Jackie feeling herself, even more than before. She winked at a few boys and girls who made comments about how hot she looked and she let her ass wiggle a bit more than usual as she walked. The confidence was a fun change. 

Jackie wished she had brought a jacket as she grabbed a seat on the front stairs of the house. She looked at the people who were outside with her, watching them smoke and drink and chat. Watching people interact was Jackie's favourite part of parties. The dab pen kept her company while she heard loud laughter and conversation, while she tried to use her arms to keep herself warm. She heard a voice behind her and turned to see what was happening.

"Cold?" A beautiful blonde girl asked as she moved to take off the bulky red Roots sweater she was wearing and offered it to Jackie.

"It’s cool,” Jackie said, shaking her head.

“It is cool, that’s the trouble,” the girl laughed, letting out an extremely powerful and strange guffaw, tossing her sweater at Jackie. The weird sounding laughter made Jackie burst out howling. She took the sweater from the stranger and snuggled herself into it. “Actually, pretty kitty, can you toss me the cigarettes out of the pocket? If you find anything else in the pockets, you can probably keep it.”

“Sure,” Jackie said as she tossed the cigarettes to the girl. “Those will kill you, you know.”

“Oh mama, hopefully,” the girl said seriously. Jackie opened her mouth to say something to comfort the girl, but the girl just let out another one of her weird and loud laughs. 

“I’m Jackie,” Jackie said as the girl sat down on the steps beside her.

“Yekatrina,” the girl said, as she lit a cigarette. “But you can call me Katya.”

“What are you supposed to be?” Jackie said, gesturing to the jeans and t-shirt that Katya was wearing. “I thought this was a Halloween party.” 

“Well I had something else I was wearing, but there was this damsel in distress,” Katya teased.

"Oh, did the sweater make the costume?" 

"Nope," Katya laughed, offering a drag of her cigarette to Jackie. Maybe it was the alcohol, the weed, the new confidence she had found, or the perfect smile on Katya’s face, but something convinced Jackie to share the cigarette with the girl. She choked hard on the inhale, eliciting another powerful laugh from Katya. Katya rubbed her back, which sent a spark of electricity through Jackie’s body. The best part about accepting that she was a lesbian was that she felt a little less dirty when the touch of a woman made her excited. Jackie didn’t have to hate herself for the butterflies in her stomach when the pretty blonde put her hand on Jackie’s thigh and fiddled with Jackie’s fishnets. She didn’t feel sick or bad when Katya invited her back in the house to dance. She didn’t feel guilty to put on a seductive, silly show when she passed Katya her sweater, so she could dance freely in Nicky’s mini dress. She wasn’t completely embarrassed to let Katya dance with her body flush against her. Although, that part may have been the vodka. 

After a little while dancing with Katya, Jackie felt like she was being watched again. This time, it wasn't groups of partygoers. It was Jan. Jan was glaring at Jackie while she danced with Katya. Her teeth grinded against each other as Jackie and Katya did the same. Jackie smirked when she caught Jan’s eye, and pulled Katya’s leg around her waist. Jan rolled her eyes, and exited the living room to get a fresh drink from the kitchen. Jackie laughed internally, thinking of their rivalry carrying over to a party. Katya leaned in and planted a deep, hot kiss on Jackie’s lips. Jackie reciprocated the kiss hungrily, almost knocking Katya over with how hard the kiss was. Jan returned from the kitchen and caught the tail end of the kiss. Her blood boiling, she stomped over to Jackie and Katya.

“Can I cut in?” Jan said sweetly to Katya.

“We’re in the middle of something here,” Katya said, confused. 

“Oh I’m so sorry to interrupt!” Jan said, taking both of Jackie’s hands and pulling her to another part of the room. She pulled Jackie close and pressed her body against Jackie’s. Quickly, Jackie moved her hands to Jan's hips, and directed her body.

"You're a bad girl, Jan," Jackie taunted. Jan looked up at her and noticed that Jackie's eyes were hooded and her pupils were blown. 

"I am not," Jan scoffed, leaning to whisper in Jackie's ear. "I'm such a good girl."

"Jealous and needy," Jackie said.

"Maybe," Jan admitted.

"Definitely," Jackie laughed. 

"Maybe," Jan repeated.

"Come home with me," Jackie whispered in Jan's ear. Jan found herself accidentally moaning out loud, making Jackie laugh. 

"Maybe," Jan teased.

"I can just go ask Katya instead," Jackie shrugged, starting to pull away from Jan. Jan pulled Jackie against her body tightly. 

"I'm jealous. I'm needy. I want to come home with you." Jan whined. 

“Well…” Jackie teased.

“Take me home and fuck me,” Jan begged.

"That's what I thought," Jackie said, pulling her phone out to call for an Uber. She broke apart from Jan to try and find Nicky and Gigi to let them know that she was heading home. It took ten minutes for the Uber to arrive, and in that time Jackie couldn't find either of her friends. She opted to send them texts instead of continuing to look, because there was a beautiful, tipsy devil waiting for Jackie to taste her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing but dirty fun with a little bit of character development! Hope that this different kind of feel is okay and isn't too weird for this story! I needed a little break from the doom and gloom!!!
> 
> Let me know what you think! Let me know how you feel! Leave a comment! Thank you so much for reading!!!!


	11. When You Met Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the end of the first semester approaches, Jackie realizes that she would be spending her holiday break alone, and feels pitied when Jan offers to have her over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AS USUAL, thank you all so much for the incredible feedback! I was nervous about posting something a bit more sexy and fun but the response was awesome! Lots of angst to come of course, but a lot more fun, silly, and sexy have been added to the outline!
> 
> CW for homophobia, parental abuse, homophobic abuse, and slurs. It's very internalized, so tread lightly if that will hurt you.
> 
> Anyways, as always, thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Cheers!

If you asked Janice Mantione why she wanted to be a doctor, she couldn't help but tell you about how much she wants to help people. Everyone warned her that it was a cliche idea to say she wanted to help people in her medical school interviews. But Jan didn't care. And neither did the interviewers. There was something so charming about Jan that when she said it was her dream to help people, you believed her. There was a hopeful earnestness in everything she did that made her memorable among the medical school candidates. She also scored exceptionally high on the teamwork section of her Multiple Mini Interview, which made her stand out further. Jan was authentically herself and people connected with that. The effervescent girl who graduated top of her class was a no-brainer for any medical school. Jan couldn't stop being herself even if she tried. 

"But that's not the answer you're supposed to give," Jackie laughed after she asked Jan the big question. The two were deep into studying as winter finals were in progress, and in an attempt to take a break, Jan had brought it up. They were on their final exam each, and their desire to review material was thin. Jackie had given her false answer to Jan and Jan had given her earnest answer to Jackie.

"It's the truth though!" Jan said. "It's what I said in my interview too. I just want to help people. That's all I got."

"You just said that? In your interview?" Jackie was stunned. 

"I mean I didn't just say  _ that _ ! There was a ton more, but that was the main point. It's the truth though!" Jan shrugged, moving away from the books that surrounded her on Jackie's bed and positioning herself to lay upside down on the foot of the bed. 

"But that's everyone's answer," Jackie said. 

"Well, it clearly worked for me, right?" Jan teased.

"I guess I'm just blown away. I figured everyone had a real answer and then an interview answer, you know?" Jackie said, realizing how that sounded.

"Which answer did I get right now?" Jan asked. It irritated Jackie how easily Jan could see through her. When she was in a bad mood, Jan could tell. When she was struggling, Jan could tell. It went beyond perceptive. As much as she didn't want it, Jan knew her. 

"I don't even know anymore, Jan," Jackie admitted as she adjusted herself to lay upside down beside Jan. Their shoulders touched as Jackie sighed, figuring it was okay to open up more to Jan as she gave so much to her already. "I think this version of Doctor Jacqueline Cox is a role I've had to play for so long that it kind of clouds things."

"Do you actually want to be a doctor?" Jan asked.

"Yeah, that part I know for sure. I talked about postponing writing my MCATs a year or two just because of anxiety. Definitely not an orthopedic surgeon, like my mom wanted. Probably not even a surgeon at all. But medicine is where I want to be. I… I want to help people," Jackíe laughed. Jan nudged her and joined in the laughter.

"So the truth comes out!"

"Yeah yeah, laugh it up. I like helping, you got me. I am as basic as med students come." Jackie smiled back at Jan.

"You don't have to do that with me," Jan said softly. "I don't need the rehearsed answers. You don't have to try to impress me. I already think you're pretty impressive, Jacks." 

"Fuck off," Jackie scoffed.

"I do though," Jan said, sitting up on Jackie's bed. She felt that having the serious conversation she wanted to do with Jackie would be diminished if she was hanging upside down like a bat. Jackie followed shit and sat up.

"See, that doesn't make any sense to me. I don't understand why you'd say that. Like, don't placate me." Jackie said, accidentally finding herself irritated with Jan.

"I'm not placating," Jan said defensively. "I'm being honest. I think you're really interesting And you’re really impressive to me."

"Well then you're just easily impressed, Janice," Jackie snapped loudly. Jan's face fell as she tried to not be too hurt by Jackie's outburst. A lot of the time, things were easy between Jackie and Jan. But every once in awhile, anxious Jackie showed up and was particularly nasty. Maybe it was ill-advised to put up with it, but Jan felt like Jackie didn't mean it. And it wasn't as though she just took it. She wasn't afraid to tell Jackie where to go. Jan comfortably told Jackie off when her bad mental health made her cross a line. But when it appeared out nowhere, it still was hurtful. 

"Getting yelled at for liking you. Very normal and healthy, Jacqueline." Jackie winced and looked at Jan regretfully. 

"You're like, the only person who has ever said that genuinely to me," Jackie explained. "It felt fake or forced or something. Especially because the only impressive thing is med school, and last time I checked we are studying the same things, you know?"

"That's not how I feel," Jan shook her head. "You speak three languages. You survived a difficult family. You're a good singer. You are good with money. You are almost as smart as me."

"Smarter," Jackie corrected. 

"You've impressed me every time we've been together. Plus you fuck me like a porn star which is extra impressive since you were a virgin," Jan laughed.

"Excuse you," Jackie rebutted. "I wasn't a virgin. I just had never had an orgasm during sex. Definitely not a virgin."

"But you'd never had sex with a girl," Jan countered. "So what you've done to me was impressive. I think I made it clear how much you impressed me."

"I know what feels good on me," Jackie blushed. "Plus I've had enough experiences without coming so I guess I'm an expert in what doesn't feel very good."

"Tragic. At least the new girl you're seeing fucks you stupid." Jan smirked. 

"Fucks me stupid, God, you have a way with words, Janice,” Jackie said.

“But now you’ve got me all riled up and on a tangent! I am trying to tell you that you have a lot of value and I think you’re great. I’m not… Things are… I… It’s different now. Things are different.” Jan didn’t know how to approach the subject of Jackie’s parents. It was always the elephant in the room. The weight of her parents always hung around, and it made certain that anxious Jackie would appear and would lead to bickering or anger. And Jan didn’t want to leave Jackie to suffer in silence, but their boundaries were always changing so she didn’t know if it was her place to bring things up. To not scare Jackie, Jan usually just followed her lead. What she had wanted to say was that there would be space between Jackie and her parents and that Jan intended to help her feel better. She wanted to tell her there was someone on her team that would help build Jackie’s confidence. But the words didn’t come easily.

“What are you doing for the holiday break?” Jackie asked, desperate to change the subject away from sex and self-esteem. 

“Heading home to Hamilton. Both of my brothers will be home too which will be great. We are going to spend a week with my mom and a week with my dad and step-mom. It’s going to be really nice! How about y-” Jan began, cringing as she realized what she was saying.

“Nothing,” Jackie said while shaking her head. 

“Are Gigi or Nicky going to be around?” Jan asked, hopefully.

“Nicky is going to see her family in France. She asked if I wanted to go with her, but I really need to save money. I looked into a tutoring job starting in January through school, just to make a bit more cash. But that won’t help now. Gigi is going off with her family too. Again, I was invited but the money situation is very weird now that my parents are out of the picture.” Jackie explained.

“You’re going to be here alone?” Jan asked sadly. 

“If my parents want me at their house…” Jackie started, but she felt her eyes welling up with hot tears. “I’ve called them. I know it’s probably stupid, but I did call. And texted. Especially my father. I’ve texted him every day.”

“I would have been surprised if you didn’t,” Jan said, pulling Jackie close. “What did they say?”

“Nothing. Neither of them answered.”

“Really?” Jan was blown away. She had expected more explosive anger from them.

“I think they’ve blocked my number or changed theirs. None of my calls or texts have gone through,” Jackie said while crying softly. “But I keep trying. I know that’s probably pathetic as all hell. But I'm still hopeful for some reason.”

“It’s not pathetic,” Jan said, letting some of her own tears fall. Being an empath was often embarrassing because crying for other people's pain felt awkward. But the sore spot between Jackie and her parents broke Jan’s heart. It was a reality for too many queer people, and seeing it up close just exacerbated how upsetting it all was. 

“I tell my dad about my day, about you, about everything,” Jackie admitted. “I asked multiple times if I could go to their house for the holidays. But I can’t imagine what it would be like. But part of me still wants to go. It would be a terrible idea. But it's been my whole life. The idea of not seeing them for the holidays feels extra terrible. Even if we didn't go all out for them, it's still my parents.”

“I get that,” Jan said, as she wiped her eyes. She reached her long sleeve over her hand to dry Jackie’s eyes also, but unsurprisingly, Jackie pulled away. Jan nodded and shifted away from Jackie so their bodies weren’t touching anymore. It wasn’t uncommon for Jackie to ask for physical space when she was drained emotionally. 

“I feel like I should go,” Jackie said. “Try and fix things. Even though I know that I really shouldn’t be. And it’s not safe, probably. But…”

“They’re your parents. You’re allowed to feel compelled to be there, or whatever. The whole situation is unbelievably fucked up, Jacks. It’s not pathetic for you to feel the extent of it all. Again, I would be pretty stunned if you just shrugged your shoulders and walked away.” Jan sighed. Jackie was crying pretty heavily, but Jan resisted the urge to pull her into a hug. She knew that Jackie wouldn’t want that. 

“If I know what’s good for me, I’ll spend the break here, studying,” Jackie said. Jan bit her tongue, trying to fight the urge to offer Jackie a place in her home. All she wanted was to bring Jackie home, show her off to her family, and fill her with her mom’s delicious cookies and pies. But their relationship was so poorly defined, Jan knew that Jackie might not take that offer well. 

“There’s really nowhere you can go?” Jan sighed, bracing for the fight she thought was coming. Even if Jackie was likely to be angry or anxious, Jan cared about her, so she had to offer. She couldn’t know that Jackie was going to be alone, pondering whether or not she should see her parents, and not offer her a place to feel welcomed over the holiday break.

"No, Jan."

"Really?"

“I already told you, I’m going to stay here. It’s cool,” Jackie mumbled. 

“You should come home to Hamilton with me,” Jan said before she could stop herself. 

“What?” Jackie didn’t seem angry. She seemed stunned.

“My mom makes the best apple pie. Seriously, I know everyone says that. But it’s the truth. You’d have to sleep in the guest room at my dad’s, and probably on the pull-out couch at my moms. Logistically, it’s possible, you know? We can spend the holidays together.” Jan knew that she should have stopped before the last sentence. The flash of hurt and anger that she was expecting finally appeared on Jackie’s face.

“As cozy as that sounds,” Jackie snapped. “I am not interested. Thank you.”

“Don’t be like that,” Jan shook her head. “Please don’t be like that. It’s a great offer. My family will really love you, and you won’t be alone dwelling on your family.”

“I won’t be dwelling on my family,” Jackie said, her voice full of anger. It reminded Jan of Jackie’s mother, but she quickly tried to shake that thought out of her mind. It was too heavy to replay that fight she heard in her head. 

“Jacks-”

“Thanks for this fucking pity invite, but I don’t need it. I don’t need you to cry and feel sorry for me,” Jackie could feel anxious and angry Jackie making an appearance, but she couldn’t keep it at bay. Jan was being earnest, but Jackie could only hear pity. As much as Jackie wanted to spend the weeks off with Jan, she wanted much less for Jan to think of her as weak. She had spent twenty-two years being told how weak she was, and now it seemed like Jan saw her like that. And they were too new to spend the holidays together. That would be moving so fast that it made Jackie’s head spin.

“I have no pity for you, Jacqueline,” Jan said coolly. “All I wanted to do was give you a place to feel welcome and comfortable.” 

“Feel comfortable,” Jackie spat. “With you? You remind me every time we’re together that I’m a fucking dyke, Janice. You’re part of the reason I am not spending the holidays with my family? How the fuck-”

“Do not speak to me like that,” Jan cut her off as she got off of Jackie’s bed. “I’ve had more than enough of angry Jackie, thank you very much. Jackie, the reason that you are not spending the holidays with your parents is because of your parents. It’s not because of you and it’s not because of me in any way. And I’m so sorry that they’ve done this to you. Jackie, I can honestly say nobody deserves what you’re going through, but I especially don’t like seeing this happen to you. I’m overly empathetic and I cry when you’re sad, but fuck, it’s because I like you, not because I pity you. There’s a very big difference between pity and just feeling fucking bummed for someone I like.”

“Jan-” Jackie began.

“I’m going to head home,” Jan said, pulling Jackie into a tight hug. For some reason, Jackie couldn’t find it in herself to pull away. But she didn’t hug Jan back. Jackie just sat in Jan’s arms, feeling uncomfortable and sad. “I’m sad that our last study session is going to end like this. But I don’t want to hear you call yourself a dyke or get mad at me anymore. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but that doesn’t mean I have to sit here while you be mean to me.”

“You shouldn’t. Sit here and let me be an asshole, I mean,” Jackie said sadly.

“Good luck on the exam tomorrow, okay? I’m going to text you my parents’ addresses. You don’t have to come, especially if you’re going to be a dick. But if you’re lonely and you need a friend, you’re welcome okay? I’ll see you later. Merry Christmas Jacks, and Happy New Year.” Jan left Jackie’s room before Jackie could respond. It was exhausting for Jackie to feel so anxious and angry, especially toward Jan, who she felt herself falling for. Jackie especially hated the way that Jan saw through all of her defences. She hated the way that Jan could tell her off and hold her hand. It was exhausting. 

**

“I can’t believe you lost it on her again!” Nicky snapped after Jackie told her and Gigi the story of what had happened the day before. Jackie had sat her last exam, feeling confident in her school work, but feeling terrible about what had happened between her and Jan. Gigi, Nicky, and Jackie had agreed to have dinner together before they all went their separate ways for the holiday. Nicky and Gigi had almost the same holidays as Jackie, as the University’s registrar office was closing for most of the students’ winter break, which meant their departure days lined up.

“What else is new?” Jackie rolled her eyes. She was feeling bad enough about how she treated Jan. She had gone to her friends for comfort, but instead, both women were quick to chastise Jackie for failing to be kind again.

“She didn’t sign up for this, you know?” Gigi said.

“I know,” Jackie nodded.

“I don’t think you do,” Gigi snapped. “I love you Jackie, but Jan isn’t here to be your punching bag while you figure out your family and sexuality. She is a person on her own journey, and she likes you a lot. You’re being selfish. Your mental health is a _reason_ to act like a dickhead, it’s not an _exc_ _use_. Jan doesn’t deserve this.”

“She didn’t make you gay. She has nothing to do with your parents. You don’t have to spend Christmas break with her, but a simple no thank you would have sufficed,” Nicky said as Jackie groaned. 

“I need to see a therapist or something,” Jackie mumbled.

“You should,” Gigi nodded. “This has been a really hard few months, Jack. It’s been so much all at once. Don’t think we’re trying to minimize everything by saying that you need to give Jan a break.”

“I get what you’re saying.” Jackie agreed. “I think that I’ll call her tonight and thank her properly for the offer. But it felt so much like pity. It felt so much like she thinks I’m all weak and pathetic and she needs to fix me.”

“That’s your mother talking, not Jan,” Nicky said simply.

“Jan likes you, she doesn’t think you’re weak!” Gigi agreed.

“I like her too,” Jackie mumbled.

“This is hard and really sucks, but if you like her, you’ve got to chill. Because she is going to stop hanging out with you before you two can officially date. And nobody could blame her!” Gigi said.

“She doesn’t want to date me,” Jackie said as she began to blush furiously.

“We’ve given her enough shit tonight,” Nicky said when she watched Gigi’s face contort. “We can unpack that one another time. Jackie, you should call her and thank her. I think that’s a great idea. Let’s spend our last night together decking the halls and fa-la-la-ing instead of this, okay?”

**

Jackie didn’t know what she hoped to accomplish as she sat out in front of her childhood home a few days into her holiday break. It was nearing midnight, and a light snowfall was beginning. She had the heat turned up high in Nicky’s car that was leant to her while her roommate was out of the country. The radio was quietly playing Christmas tunes as Jackie sat, staring at the door. Her body was shaking from adrenaline, and from the cold that was in her bones from before she had turned the heat on. As much as she could, Jackie steadied her nerves and parked the car. She tucked her hands in her pocket and walked to the front door of the place she grew up. Lightly, she knocked. There were a few lights still on in the Cox home, so Jackie assumed that her father was awake. Much like she was, her father was a light sleeper when he was feeling off. The hallway light turned on a few seconds before the door opened.

Her father was on the other side of the door, clad in a plaid pair of pyjama pants and a tee-shirt. He looked tired. Jackie noticed that there was a small beard growing on his chin and cheeks, which she had never seen in her whole life.

“Dad,” she said softly. He motioned to slam the door, but Jackie put her boot in the way. Once her father's hands left the door, Jackie moved her foot back, standing just out front of the door frame.

“What the hell are you doing here?” He asked.

“I needed to-” Jackie paused. “I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t know why I’m here. But I needed to see you. I needed to see you both.”

“You’re not welcome in my home,” her father spoke quietly. “And my wife does not wish to see you. We made it perfectly clear. You are not welcome here. You need to get in your car and return to wherever you came from. It’s very late.”

“Please, don’t do this,” Jackie begged. “I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so much, dad. It’s so hard without you. It was you and I for so long. I’m still your girl.”

“You are not my girl,” he hissed. “You’re an abomination.”

“Dad,” Jackie said, as she felt herself start to cry. The tears were cold as they left her eyes, hitting the December air. She wondered if they would freeze to her cheek.

“Goodbye, Jacqueline.” The door was shut quickly, and Jackie heard the bolt and chain on the door both lock hastily. She knew that there was nothing good that could have come from seeing her parents. But strangely, as Jackie made her way to the car, a sense of calm had washed over her. This wasn’t the rushed decision that her parents had made when they realized that she had slept with a woman. This was months later. This was anger that was not subsiding. This was, unfortunately, as close to closure as Jackie was ever going to get. 

Jackie got herself into Nicky’s car, wiping the cold tear tracks off her cheeks. As quickly as she had started crying, she was able to stop. Everything felt so much more final, and everything felt numb. It was what she was expecting, which was maybe why it didn’t feel quite as painful as the first time. The element of surprise was gone. Jackie’s freezing cold fingers fiddled with her cellphone as she connected the Bluetooth to the car. 

She never did call Jan yet to thank her for the invite to spend the break together. In fact, the two girls had not spoken since the day before their final exam of the season. But true to her word, Jan had texted Jackie with the addresses of her parents, and which days she would be staying at which parents’ house. That particular night, December 23rd, Jan would be at her mother’s house. The GPS said that Jan’s house was just about three and a half hours from Jackie’s parents’ house. 

Without a second thought, with no luggage, with nothing but her purse and phone charger in tow, Jackie made the split-second decision that she would be joining the Mantione family for the holidays. All of the best choices she had made about Jan were spontaneous. And what could be more spontaneous than showing up at someone’s childhood home at what would eventually be just about four in the morning?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another hanging chapter! Please don't hate me!!!!
> 
> Thank you all for reading! I hope this chapter was what you were hoping for! Please, drop a review! I would love to hear what you think or any comments you have! The feedback is so wonderful and means everything to me!!
> 
> Cheers!!!


	12. You've Got a Warm Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie makes the trip to Jan's mother's house during a snowy December morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWO UPDATES IN TWO DAYS!! I had back to back days off this week and I was so excited about this chapter I couldn't pace myself!! Thank you so much for reading and following along with this story!!
> 
> CANADIAN DICTIONARY  
> Tims/Timmy's: Tim Hortons  
> Take-Twelve: A coffee carafe that is approximately equal to 12 small Tim Hortons coffees
> 
> Cheers!!

Jackie was eerily calm as she drove Nicky's car. She was driving in silence after deciding that the music on the radio seemed inappropriate for the quest at hand. The car was void of sound except for the GPS telling Jackie when an exit was coming or where she needed to merge. The snow had picked up slightly and had a dreamlike amber glow against the yellow lights on the highway. It wasn't as though Jackie was uncomfortable driving in the snow or in the dark, but the two combined felt soft and cozy - not the feeling one wants when it's 1 am and they're driving. When she felt that conscious effort was required to keep her eyes open, Jackie texted both Gigi and Nicky to see if either of the girls were still awake. Both of the girls would be starting their holiday journeys once daylight broke with Nicky heading to the Toronto airport and Gigi going to visit her grandparents in Georgian Bay. Ideally for their schedules, they both should be asleep. But much to Jackie's surprise and happiness, Gigi quickly responded with her text. Jackie commanded her Bluetooth to call Gigi, who answered on the first ring. 

"You alright Jack?" Gigi asked sleepily.

"I'm okay, did I wake you?" Jackie asked.

“Nah, I’m having a hard time falling asleep. I think I'm too excited about going up to my grandparents’. Every time I’m close to nodding off, I just jolt awake.” Gigi explained, swallowing a yawn in the middle of her sentence. “But you didn’t call me at 1 am to ask about my sleep schedule, did you?”

“Not particularly, but I am excited that you ended getting a few extra days off to spend with your fam,” Jackie said. Gigi was very loved by her family and prioritized them above most things. Her schedule at the University kept her busy, so Jackie was always happy to know that her friend would have extra time with the people she loved - especially her mother. Jackie had met Mrs. Goode on a few occasions and was smitten. Gigi was blessed to have the family she did.

“Yeah, I’m stoked! I am going to see if they’ll let us use their house when they go on their next cruise in the summer so you, Nicky and I can spend a few days at the beach. A cheap ass vacation.” Gigi said. 

“That sounds so peaceful!”

“You guys would love it at their place. I mean, I love it there. Thus, responding to your texts too quickly because I’m too excited to sleep. What’s up though, Jack? Are you on hands-free right now? You sound weird.” Gigi said, pointing out the tin-like sound that the Bluetooth in Nicky’s car made. 

“I’m driving,” Jackie agreed. “I… I went to see my dad.”

“Girl, what?” Gigi asked, suddenly sounding very awake.

“I couldn’t fight the urge. I know I shouldn't have, but I feel better about it all, honestly. Nothing has changed. I showed up on their doorstep. He was awake. Tried to slam the door in my face. Called me an abomination. You know. Classic Cox Christmas,” Jackie scoffed. 

“Why did you wait until the day Nicky left? Are you okay? I hate that you’re alone right now. Fuck, Jack, I am so sorry. Do you want me to come back? My mom would bring me to your place. Or do you want to come up with me to Georgian? My mom would definitely pick you up. You don’t have to worry about money, I can spot you-” Gigi sounded frantic, and in a way, Jackie appreciated it. It was the reassurance that she was deeply loved by her friend. 

“It’s alright Gigi, honestly,” Jackie said, making sure to sound as okay as possible.

“Are you headed home?” 

“Not exactly,” Jackie said while biting her lip. It was only now as she had to explain to Gigi what she was doing that Jackie started to feel anxious and self-conscious about the situation. The first hour of her impromptu, silent journey was empty of thought or panic. Jackie was in a state of calm brought on by numbness. But her conversation with Gigi allowed some feelings to return. And these feelings were the all too familiar combination of anxiety and apprehension. Was this a huge mistake?

“Where are you driving to?” Gigi asked.

“Remember how I told you that Jan offered for me to go to her place if things got hard?” 

“That’s really sweet! Jack, I’m so glad you’re not going to be alone after all this. And kudos for actually calling her. Nicky and I both underestimated you.” Gigi said excitedly. Jackie let out a nervous laugh.

“So I didn’t exactly call her…”

“Are you kidding?” Gigi gasped. “You’re not just...showing up at her door, right?”

"Well..."

"Jacqueline!"

“When you say it like that it sounds crazy,” Jackie said, letting out another nervous laugh. Gigi responded with a groan and silence for a few minutes. Neither woman knew what to say. Driving to see Jan almost four hours away in the middle of the night was somehow out of character for Jackie and in character at the exact same time. She was difficult to understand and even more difficult to read.

“Fuck, dude. It  _ is _ crazy. It is extremely crazy! Like, Fatal Attraction crazy. You can’t just show up at her childhood home in the middle of the night! Are you Freddy Kruger or something?” Gigi said, clearly trying to whisper while still impressing upon Jackie the severity of what she was doing.

“After my dad closed the door I just knew I had to go,” Jackie said as if it explained everything. Gigi was too pragmatic to accept the statement without having some follow-up questions. 

“Did you go right from your parents?” Gigi asked.

“Yeah, honestly, it was like I was in a trance or something. I just started driving,” Jackie explained. Jackie heard Gigi took a deep breath, trying to centre herself and understand where Jackie’s brain was. 

“Are you manic or something?”

“No, I’m safe. I just want to see Jan. I got slapped in the face with the reality that I’m alone in the world. Like, there is no going back to my parents. They’re done with me. It's been months and they're still this angry. All I have is you guys, and kind of Jan. I know we’re not together or anything, but there’s obviously a connection, right?” Jackie asked.

“Yeah, for sure,” Gigi agreed. “Okay, I get that. This is still crazy as fuck, Jackie.”

“Absolutely,” Jackie nodded to herself. “I literally have nothing with me. I have my phone, Nicky’s car, and my purse.”

“Oh my God, Jackie,” Gigi sighed. “Do you have your pills at least?”

“Yeah, I keep it in my purse,” Jackie nodded. “I swear, I checked for that first.”

“Is there any possible way I can talk you out of going right now? I can lend you some money for a hotel or something, then you can go at a normal fucking time? Because I promise you, Jan will not think it’s chill or normal for you to show up any time soon.” Gigi sighed. Jackie could picture her friend running her hands through her hair, fretting about her safety. She felt guilty for making Gigi worry, but it was better in the long run that they had the opportunity to talk and that at least somebody knew where Jackie was. Being alone in the world was a scary thought, and Gigi’s conversation made Jackie feel a bit less on her own. 

“No, it’s okay, I would rather just drive. I won’t get there until closer to 4 am anyway.”

“That’s so much better,” Gigi said sarcastically. “You can’t spring this on Jan this early, girl. I promise you, this will go poorly. Is there a Timmy’s or something near her house? Can you at least get a coffee or something and wait until a normal time of day to knock on her door?”

“Maybe that’s a good idea,” Jackie conceded. 

“If you surprise her at a normal time of day, that’s like, romantic or whatever. Showing up at 4 am is really Forensic Files of you.” Gigi laughed, finally starting to feel less apprehensive about what Jackie was doing.

“It’s not about romance,” Jackie scoffed.

“Sure, Jan,” Gigi said before letting out a powerful laugh at her own joke. “Get it? Sure, Jan?”

“Yes, very funny,” Jackie said, rolling her eyes. “I’ll let you know when I’m in Hamilton, and I’ll let you know when I’ve found the Tim’s I’m going to wait at, okay? Love you, baby Gee. Thanks for keeping me sane.”

“Drive safe, stalker,” Gigi teased as their call ended. Jackie laughed light-heartedly, and continued the drive, feeling much more awake. She was happy to have had the opportunity to talk out her reckless decision with one of her best friends. And knowing Gigi, she was probably more horrified that Jackie didn’t have any spare clothes than anything else. The thought of Gigi panicking about Jackie’s wardrobe made her laugh. The thought of her friends having so much love for her warmed her up more than the stuttering heat from Nicky’s little car. 

The driving mood was significantly less dull and numb, so Jackie decided to add a little bit of music to her silent drive. As it approached 3 am Christmas carols quietly played as Jackie tapped absentmindedly on the steering wheel. Watching the snowflakes fall and humming along to Boney M kept Jackie focused on the road. As much as she could, Jackie tried to keep her thoughts on Nicky, Gigi and Christmas music - and away from Jan. She knew that if her thoughts landed on Jan, a panic attack would follow, so there was no way she could go there. She kept her mind on Boney M.

**

_ Good morning Janice. I am just messaging you to let you know that, as usual, I’m sorry for acting like a dickhead. The offer to spend Christmas with the Mantione clan was unbelievably kind, and I shouldn’t have been such a baby about it. If the offer still stands, I would be thrilled to join you. And if the offer doesn’t still stand, this is awkward because I’ve been at the Timmy’s up the street from you since 4 am. Lol.  _

Jan tried to blink the sleep out of her eyes to see if her eyes were playing some kind of tricks on her. No matter how many times she blinked though, the message said the same thing. Jackie was in Hamilton waiting for her to wake up and answer the phone. The clock read 7 am, and Jan had just woken up to use the washroom, but instead, she was calling Jackie, desperate to not wake up her family.

“Hey, Jan! Did you get my message?” Jackie said brightly when Jan called her.

“Jesus Christ, Jacqueline! Of course, I got your fucking message! Are you out of your mind?” Jan whisper-yelled into her cellphone. 

“You’re grumpy in the morning,” Jackie teased.

“Jackie! What the fuck, dude?” Jan stammered.

“I went to visit my parents at midnight. They kicked me out, again obviously. Not very happy to see me. And it was like some weird autopilot kicked on. I just wanted to be with you. Nicky left me her car while she’s in France.” Jackie explained.

“Oh, Jackie,” Jan said softly.

“Yeah so now I’m sitting in a Tim’s parking lot, waiting for you to wake up.” Jackie was laughing, and her lack of candour about the situation made Jan laugh as well. “Although this is going to be really creepy if you tell me that the offer is no longer on the table.”

“It’s pretty creepy in general, Jacks,” Jan laughed.

“No, Gigi said it would be romantic if it was during the day time, so you’re mistaken,” Jackie said sarcastically. Instantly, Jackie regretted her word choice. Not having ironed out what they meant to each other made the implication of romance stick out like a sore thumb.

“Do you want to be romantic with me?” Jan asked, feeling confused at the sentiment. 

“Jan, can I have one difficult emotional upheaval at a time?” Jackie exclaimed, feigning exasperation. Her jokes made Jan laugh, but didn’t ease the confusion about the statement. 

“Right. Well, the offer is still available,” Jan said, secretly excited that Jackie was about to be with her. As much as she wanted Jackie to know about how thrilled she was, Jan thought that it might be inappropriate to say, given the circumstances. 

“Oh thank God! Imagine driving four hours home after all this? I would look like a massive tool.” Jackie laughed. She was exhausted, so she was feeling slap-happy, making more jokes about the situation than she would normally. 

“You already look like a massive tool, Jacqueline,” Jan smirked. 

“You don’t even know the half of it,” Jackie said. “I don’t even have luggage. I literally have my wallet and meds. I just made the journey without really thinking about it.”

“I don’t even know what to say to that,” Jan sighed as she mentally started to put together outfits that she could lend to Jackie for each of the events that her family had planned. 

“Will your family eat doughnuts? If I buy a dozen? I was already thinking of bringing a take-twelve, but showing up at your house like some stray dog necessitates a bit more than just coffee, no?” Jackie asked.

“Make sure you get three maple dip, so the boys and I don’t fight about who gets it,” Jan laughed. Jackie knew that she was going to be meeting the Mantione family under the weirdest circumstances, but nothing else would have made sense for Jackie and Jan. Everything had to be weird and everything had to be strange. 

**

_ Out front. Help me with the coffee and doughnuts. _

Jan smiled to herself as she read the text from Jackie. As much as the situation was weird, she couldn’t help but agree with Gigi that there was something a little romantic about Jackie’s spontaneous trip. Jan hadn’t woken any of her family to warn them about the impending guest - that wouldn’t matter, especially once they knew the story. Her family would be more than happy to house Jackie for the duration of the vacation. Since it was still only 7:30 am, Jan had decided against changing into clothes, assuming that she and Jackie would probably get some sleep soon. She slipped on her robe and left her bedroom.

“You’re up early!” Jan’s mother, Maria said brightly. A spitting image of Jan sat on a plushy seat in the living room by the front window, drinking hot coffee from a mug that Jan had made when she had a pottery phase. 

“My friend is here, she brought coffee,” Jan said as she hurried to the front door. Her mother had follow-up questions, but Jan was too far away to hear what was being asked or said. The door accidentally slammed behind Jan, as she ran outside to see Jackie struggling to balance the take-twelve and the dozen doughnuts. Instead of helping Jackie, Jan grabbed Jackie around the waist and pulled her in for a soft, gentle kiss. Momentarily, Jackie found herself lost in the kiss, as the snow fell lightly and dawn started to break. Both girls were taken by the romance of it all. Jackie was fully enraptured by Jan's mouth until she felt the doughnuts start to slip from her hand. 

“Shit!” Jackie exclaimed as Jan broke away from her lips, reaching to grab the box. She caught the doughnuts and let out a tired laugh. 

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Jan said, shaking her head as the two made their way to the front door. Jackie and Jan conversed quietly about the trip as Jackie removed her coat and boots and put them where Jan told her to. The girls brought the coffee and doughnuts to the kitchen, catching the eyes of Maria.

“So,” Maria said, gesturing to Jackie, looking to Jan for an explanation.

“Ma, this is Jacqueline Cox. She is in my program. Her parents kicked her out, and she was going to have to spend the holidays alone. I said she could come here. I’m sorry, I should have asked you first, but nobody should be alone on Christmas, right?”Jan said quickly. Her mother laughed as Jackie blushed. The idea of Jan’s mom knowing about her family so quickly made her uncomfortable, but it was just how Jan operated.

“You’re right Janice, nobody should be alone at Christmas. And she has Timmy’s, so she’s already a friend of mine.” Jan’s mom walked over to Jackie and used both of her hands to shake Jackie’s free hand. 

“Jacks, this is my mom,” Jan said happily.

“Nice to meet you, Ms. Mantione,” Jackie said, remembering the time Jan told her that her mother still used her married name, even though she and Jan’s father had divorced many years ago.

“Call me Maria! Whatever you need Jacqueline, let me know okay? I’m going to the store to do some last-minute shopping tonight if you girls want to come.” Maria spoke sweetly and still held on to Jackie’s hand, giving it a squeeze. Her hand was soft and warm just like Jan’s.

“Definitely,” Jan nodded. “Jackie doesn’t have any clothes or a toothbrush or anything. So we need to go shop.”

“Oh, sweetie,” Maria said softly, offering Jackie’s hand another squeeze. She didn’t ask for any further information but offered Jackie comfort. The amount of love in the room felt like it as going to strangle Jackie and make her panic. But she had promised herself that she wouldn’t be a dick to Jan, so she had to fight all of the anxious impulses. 

“Do you want to come up to my room and sleep for a bit? Don't look at me like that! We're just gonna sleep! She drove all night, ma!” Jan exclaimed as she caught her mother’s questioning eye.

“Janice, we've been over this one hundred times. Would I let your brothers have girls sleep in their room?” Maria questioned.

“No, but this is different!” Jan said defensively, getting a laugh from Jackie. “She’s my  _ friend, _ mom. Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I want to get with every girl!”

“Jan.” Her mother’s eyes narrowed. 

“She’s just my friend! Honest!” Jan lied. 

“Jan!" Her mother repeated, obviously losing patience.

"Mother!"

“Do you know why I like having my morning coffee right here in the living room during the winter?” Maria asked Jackie, who shook her head. “So I can see the snowfall in the front yard. And so I can see what my sneaky, asshole children are up to. Like seeing Joey sneak up the walk drunk after  _ studying  _ until 3 am. Or seeing Jan kissing her  _ just a friend _ in my driveway before hearing her try to convince me that I should let them share a room. Get her set up on the pull-out couch in the basement, Janice.”

“Whoops,” Jan said, grimacing as Jackie turned bright red.

“I’m so sorry, Ms. Mantione.” Jackie stuttered as she spoke.

“Maria, sweetie,” Maria corrected. “And whoops is right! I said your girlfriend was welcome, just no funny business. It’s the same for Joey and AJ. No girls in your bed.”

“Alright! Sorry, ma!” Jan put up her hands, signalling that she was backing off. Jackie tried not to notice that Jan didn’t fight back when her mom referred to them as girlfriends. She thought it was probably because she didn’t want to get herself in more trouble, but Jackie still felt a twinge of excitement at the idea. 

“The bathroom upstairs should have a few extra toothbrushes,” Maria said, mostly speaking to Jan. “Grab her a towel from the laundry room so she can get cleaned up after driving all night.”

“Right,” Jan nodded, motioning for Jackie to follow her.

“Ms. Ma- Maria,” Jackie said. “I really can’t thank you enough for allowing me into your home. It’s absolutely lovely, and Jan is a wonderful girl. This means… Thank you.”

“Not to worry, sunshine. Any  _ friends _ of Jan’s are more than welcome here,” Maria said with a wink that made Jackie start blushing all over again. 

“Come on, I’ll show you where to shower and get you some PJs. Ma already said we can’t share a bedroom but she didn’t say we couldn’t shower together, right?” Jan said, mischievously grinning. Jackie’s mouth gaped as she tried to look apologetically at Jan’s mother.

“Janice Maria Mantione!” Jan’s mother yelled as Jan laughed raucously, pulling Jackie up the stairs. Jackie knew that her stay with Jan and her family was going to be interesting. And she felt much more at peace than she expected to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a longer one, without a pivotal cliff hanger! I know, out of character haha!
> 
> Let me know what you think! Leave a comment! Leave a review! I would love to hear what you're thinking!
> 
> Cheers!!!


	13. You've Got a Beautiful Brain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie spends a beautiful December 23rd with the Mantione family. Jackie and Jan finally have a conversation about their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't even believe the response to the last chapter! Thank you guys so much. This is amazing! I can't explain how grateful I am that I've had this opportunity to share this story.
> 
> I gathered in the feedback that we are all here for the girls being happy! So... here's some happiness!!!
> 
> Cheers!!!

Jackie’s nap on the pull-out couch was not especially long, but she did feel rested. The spare blankets she had borrowed smelled like the same detergent that Jan used on her own clothes, and it made Jackie feel comfortable. She also felt cozy in one of Jan’s old soccer shirts and a pair of joggers. Even if the situation was extremely awkward, the situation was a comfortable one physically. Jackie made sure to update her group chat with Gigi and Nicky, letting them know that she was not only safe but also welcomed by the Mantione matriarch with open arms. Both women were apprehensive about the situation but glad to know that their friend was safe and happy. 

After catching up with her friends, Jackie decided to head back upstairs to catch up with Jan and her family. She opened the blinds to let some light into the basement and looked around the warm, cozy room. Maria’s decorating sensibilities were very similar to Jan’s. The furniture was made of light wood, there were soft blankets and plush pillows all about, and there were pictures everywhere. Jackie paused to admire every photo that hung on the walls before joining the others upstairs. The same three kids were featured all over the walls of the basement, holding trophies, posing while on vacation, laughing, and holding each other. Even as the faces grew older, they were no less full of joy. It made Jackie happy to see how loved Jan was. 

Once she had thoroughly inspected the photos, Jackie finally ascended the stairs. She heard loud voices in the kitchen, so quickly headed to see who was there. Jan was seated at the dining room table, still wearing her pyjamas and robe, with two boys around their age. Her face lit up brightly when Jackie entered the room.

“Jacks! It’s only eleven, you should get some more sleep,” Jan suggested. Both boys at the table studied her intensely, making Jackie blush. She felt their eyes all over her skin and it made her self-conscious.

“I’m okay! I think if I sleep any more, I won’t be able to sleep tonight. And the midnight drive probably already messed up my sleep schedule a bit,” she said, letting out a small chuckle as Jan got up to pour Jackie a coffee.

“ _ This  _ is your girlfriend?” One of the boys asked incredulously. 

“What of it?” Jan asked. Jackie was too focussed on what Jan’s brother meant at the moment to think about the way Jan didn’t fight back when the word girlfriend was tossed out. That night though, that thought would spring up in her mind at the perfect time.

“She’s hot, JJ!” The other brother laughed. “You’ve pulled hot chicks at parties before but you’ve only brought home some weird-”

“Jackie, this is Joseph,” Jan interrupted, pointing to the first brother that spoke. “And this is Antonio James. You can call them Joey and AJ, or you can call them the fuckheads - which is my favourite. Fuckheads, this is Jackie.”

“She used to call us the three musketeers, now she calls us fuckheads!” AJ laughed. 

"You used to not check out my girlfriends!" Jan taunted. "Thus, fuckheads."

“Nice to meet you,” Jackie said quietly as she took the coffee that Jan had made her. 

“Mom’s out seeing some of her friends’ kids, dropping some gifts. But she made pancakes. Do you want to?” Jan asked as she started to put together a plate of leftovers from the fridge. She wasn’t asking but instead getting it ready for Jackie.

“That’s okay,” Jackie said, as Jan put the stack of pancakes into the microwave. “I did have a doughnut and coffee while I wanted for you to wake up.”

“That was hours ago,” Joey said. “Pull up a seat. Eat pancakes. We have so many questions. Neither of us have had classes with JJ in years? Is Jan a total ass kisser at school? She is a total ass kisser to our parents. Always has been.”

“Don’t talk to them,” Jan warned.

“She’s a total ass kisser,” Jackie agreed, making the boys laugh and Jan roll her eyes.

“Is this a fake dating thing?” AJ asked, eliciting a blush across Jackie’s cheeks.

“What do you mean?” Jackie asked.

“Jackie, I’ll be real with you,” Joey began, making Jan glare intently at her brother. “Jan’s banged a few hot chicks. But she’s never dated anyone cute. Her type of girlfriend is usually just a girl who gives her attention so there have been some trolls.”

“Hey!” Jan exclaimed, throwing a wadded up napkin at her brother. The boys and Jackie all laughed as Jan finally was the one who blushed. It was weird, but Jackie enjoyed the experience of teasing Jan with her brothers. It was so domestic and familial.

“You’re insanely hot, Jackie,” AJ said, with the same flirty lilt in his voice that Jan often got. Jan shot an intense look at AJ and AJ jumped and yelped. Jackie assumed that Jan had landed a kick against his shin.

“Don’t hit on my girlfriend,” Jan snarled, making Jackie’s stomach fill with butterflies.

“I’m not hitting on her!” AJ said defensively. “I’m just letting her know if she wants to stick with Mantione and change the P for the D, AJ is here.”

“You’re disgusting,” Jan snapped. Jackie unintentionally let out a snorting laugh. Watching Jan get defensive and jealous always made Jackie feel a bit tingly.

“I do have a taste for Mantione,” Jackie said daringly, not breaking eye contact with Jan. Her brothers laughed, feeling like Jackie was able to make jokes and be part of the family and the rapport. 

“Jackie and I are leaving! You’re making her uncomfortable.” Jan jumped up from her seat, grabbing Jackie’s hand and pulling her toward the stairs. Jackie laughed and waved at the brothers, jokingly letting them know that she wasn’t uncomfortable and that Jan was just being possessive. 

Jackie felt herself being pulled up to Jan’s bedroom with a surprising amount of force. She was pushed into the room as Jan slammed the door behind them. Jan immediately pulled Jackie into a kiss, pinning Jackie against the door. The behaviour wasn't surprising to Jackie. In fact, her silly back-and-forth with AJ was purposeful, attempting to rile Jan up. After being the one to chase after Jan all the way to her childhood home, making a play for dominance was fun for Jackie.

“Jealous and needy,” Jackie moaned as Jan started kissing down her neck.

“So jealous. So needy.” Jan said, sinking her teeth into Jackie’s neck. Jackie hissed in pain and pleasure as she ran her hands over Jan’s breasts.

"You drive me crazy," Jackie groaned.

"Been thinking about doing this since you got here. Fuck, since I left. Miss the way you taste," Jan whined as Jackie's hands slid down to Jan's hips. Jan spread her legs slightly, allowing Jackie to put her hand between Jan's thighs.  As quickly as the intense touches and kissing began, Jackie realized that it was not a good time. Maria had explicitly made the boundaries in the house clear. 

“If your mom comes home…” Jackie said, gently pushing Jan off of her.

“She won’t! Not any time soon,” Jan whined, trying to put herself back on top of Jackie. Jackie laughed and slid out from under Jan’s grasp and spun around to sit on Jan’s bed. 

“I shouldn’t even be up here with you,” Jackie mused. "This is against all of the rules."

“So since you’re already breaking all the rules, why stop now?” Jan asked as she walked slowly toward Jackie, shedding her robe and pyjamas as she walked over to her bed. Jackie deeply inhaled, finding herself enchanted by the girl. Her mouth was dry and she couldn’t keep her eyes off of Jan.

“You’re going to get me in a lot of trouble, Janice,” Jackie gasped as Jan sat straddling her. She wrapped her arms around Jackie and sunk her nails into Jackie’s back. 

“Let’s get in trouble, Jacqueline” Jan whispered in Jackie’s ear.

**

The day went even more smoothly than Jackie could have imagined. Once Maria was home, Jackie baked cookies with her and all three of the Mantione kids, teasing Jan and learning about the childhood of the girl she liked. They adjusted the decorations in the home, adding more to the already completely Christmas clad home, as Maria valued subtlety as much as Jan did. Maria dug out childhood albums and shared stories about Jan. Jackie was particularly amused by a framed photo of Jan as a middle schooler in her goalie’s uniform. She was holding a trophy in one hand, holding up one finger on the other, to indicate that they had come in first place in the championship. But the picture was made even more perfect by the copious amount of blood all over Jan’s face, leaking from her nose. She had used her face to block the final shot on goal of the championship game. The photo almost brought a tear to Jackie’s eye. Nothing could explain Jan’s personality, zest for life, competitiveness, and passion better than the toothy, blood-covered smile of eleven-year-old Jan. 

The day went on, listening to carols and running to the shops to collect last-minute things. Jackie felt more at ease with the Mantione family than she ever had at the holiday season. Maria un-subtly asked about Jackie’s favourite treats so she could put together a small stocking for Jackie to open on Christmas morning. It was all Jackie could do to not cry when Jan’s mom found a small stocking with a glittery  _ J _ embroidered on the front of it. Jackie’s parents kept life much more low-key, and her mother would have scoffed in disgust at the glittery stocking. 

Eventually, Jackie and Jan had split off to find some necessities that Jackie needed for her stay. They sampled shampoos and looked for the perfect hairbrush to aid in taming Jackie’s dark curls. They grabbed a few of Jackie’s favourite foods, and despite Jan’s vehement protests, they looked for small gifts for Jackie to give to Jan’s family. The girls picked out three books for the Mantione's, and Jackie snuck away and found a frame to give to Jan. It was a tacky, sparkly, purple frame, and she intended to print off a copy of the paper that they had written together to give to Jan. It was more of a symbolic gift than anything else, especially considering how much more conscientious Jackie had to be with money. She could hear her mother’s voices in her head, telling her how pointless, sappy, and pathetic the small gift would be. But Jackie messaged her friends about the idea and they thought it was adorable - so she chose to ignore her mother’s voice. The family even purchased hot chocolate while they wandered the stores. It was the cheesiest Hallmark family Christmas that Jackie could have imagined, except AJ and Joey’s incessant flirting and Jan’s incessant whining about the flirting. Jackie had never felt such warmth.

After a late dinner, sitting at the table together - which Jackie found hard to believe that the Mantione's did these family dinners whenever they were together - the Mantione kids excused themselves to shower and wrap gifts, while Jackie elected to stay behind and help Maria clean the kitchen. They spoke about the holidays and shared pleasant conversation as they got the kitchen back into shape. Once everything was tidy, Maria made tea and Jackie joined her in the living room.

“How is my Jan doing?” Maria asked, after a bit of tea and light chatter as the women sat together, waiting to be rejoined by Jan, AJ and Joey. 

“How so?” Jackie asked.

“I love all my kids,” Maria began. “But Jan and I… Jan and I are closer than I am with the boys. Jan and I have been close since she could speak. She’s a sensitive girl, though I suppose that's my fault. She feels things so deeply. She calls me almost every day, partially to check in on me, partially to see what the boys are up to. And if she doesn’t call, she texts me goodnight.”

“I understand,” Jackie nodded. “There’s something special about Jan.”

“You see it too?” Maria asked, excitedly. “The other girls she has dated, they didn’t see it. They took her heart for granted. Because she’s so strong and happy, people take from her. They drain her energy. They’ve used her to fill their cups, never being there for her. I suppose that's also my fault. I guess Jan had to grow up a lot quicker than most kids. I've been guilty of taking from her cup. But I hate to see that for her, from so many people.”

“I do see how that can happen. Jan is so full of life and joy. And she makes things easier,” Jackie felt a bit guilty about the times she had unloaded on Jan recklessly. 

“I am scared for her, often,” Maria sighed. “As a parent, you just want better for your children. I want better for Jan. You make her happy, Jackie. She told me all about the day you worked on the cadavers. She told me all about how you held her and how you didn’t move from her side. I was so hoping I would get the chance to thank you in person.

”Jan has been there with me through some really hard times too, Maria,” Jackie said with a nod. “She is doing well. You’re right, she is emotional and people can take advantage of that. But she’s brave. And brilliant. She’s going to be top of the class, as much as I hate to admit it, and she’s going to ace every aspect of her bedside manner. She's going to be a great doctor, but also a great person. You raised a great person.”

“I’m so glad she has you,” Maria said, holding Jackie’s hand. Jackie blushed, feeling guilty for lying to Maria. Jan had her, but Jan didn’t  _ have _ her. Maria was such a nice woman - she was somebody that Jackie actively wanted in her life. And so was Jan. Jan, who came down the stairs and entered into the conversation at that time.

“You’re glad who has who?” Jan’s blonde hair was wet, hanging down her back. Her cheeks were pink from the hot water, and her smile was wide. 

“Glad that you have Jackie,” Maria said happily, as she stood up, planting a kiss on Jan’s head as she exited the room. Jan kissed the air beside her mother, as Maria excused herself to freshen up and wrap her gifts. The two women were left alone, and Jackie offered Jan a warm smile.

“Oh yeah, I’m glad to have Jackie too,” Jan said specifically to Jackie as she snuggled up, laying her head on Jackie’s shoulder. Jackie felt her skin flushing red also. Everything was all so peaceful and picturesque. The Christmas lights were the last of the lights on in the living room of the house, the snow fell outside, and Jan let herself slide under the blanket with Jackie. Jackie worked her fingers into Jan’s, neglecting the anxious voice in her head telling Jackie that it was all far too romantic. It was starting to become a bit easier to tune out anxious and angry Jackie, especially when she could smell Jan’s lavender shampoo.

“This was like, the best Christmas ever,” Jackie said quietly.

“You mean the best December 23rd ever,” Jan teased. “It’s still not Christmas yet.”

“I’ve never had all of this,” Jackie gestured to the decorations and the ambiance in the room. “This reminds me of something out of some kind of holiday film. It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever been a part of.”

“Did your family celebrate Christmas?” Jan asked.

“Not really,” Jackie said. “My family didn’t celebrate anything. Around any kind of holiday sometimes we had extended family over. My mother and father are excellent cooks so they’d show off meals and stuff. But we didn’t decorate. For holidays, birthdays, Halloween, anything like that. Mom said it was garish and dad didn’t want to upset mom. I did love their cooking though. Dad would always let me help when he was in the kitchen.”

“That’s a sweet memory, Jacks. I hope that even when things are bad-”

“Yeah, I’m glad I have things like that to look back on. It wasn’t always hateful.” Jackie sighed.

“And now we can make new memories,” Jan whispered, pulling Jackie closer. The hug was warm physically but Jackie felt a bit pained by the hug, wondering what it all meant, desperately fighting anxious and angry Jackie’s appearance off.

“Together?” Jackie asked before she could stop herself.

“Well, you came here, didn’t you?” Jan said, meeting Jackie’s eyes. Sometimes it felt like Jan could hear all of her thoughts. It was as though she was in tune with anxious and angry Jackie - probably why it sometimes became easier to battle that iteration of Jackie when Jan was around.

“I did,” Jackie said. 

“Then some kind of something together, I think,” Jan said simply.

“Your family keeps calling me your girlfriend,” Jackie said nonchalantly but not at all nonchalantly. Jan let out a laugh and sat up so she could directly face Jackie. 

“My brothers also keep hitting on you,” Jan teased. “Do you want to discuss every weird thing that my family is doing? Or do you just want to talk about you and me?”

“Just you and me,” Jackie said boldly. 

“I thought you didn’t know what you wanted or you could give,” Jan said plainly. 

“I don’t, but I realized that you didn’t tell me what you wanted. You know about my struggles and how I’ve been feeling, but I need you to tell me what you want. I have taken advantage of your kindness and your understanding and just hoped that things would match up. But I didn’t ask you what you wanted. I don’t know how you feel. I never asked,” Jackie said sadly. “We just talked about me. We do that a lot.”

“I told you, I’m happy to see where this goes,” Jan said,

“I don’t want you to just fill up my cup, you have a cup to fill too,” Jackie pointed out,  choosing specifically to use Jan’s mother’s turn of phrase. 

“My cup is fine,” Jan said quietly.

“What do you want?” Jackie asked, seriously and intensely. 

"Jacks-"

"What do you want?" Jackie repeated.

“I want  _ you, _ Jackie!” Jan exclaimed, a lot louder than she expected to and a lot louder than she should have. “For fuck’s sake Jacqueline! I am never going to push you because this is new and scary and everything has been weird since you were forced out. But I like you. I like it when they call you my girlfriend. I like my mom buying you a stocking. I like calling to tell my dad your favourite kind of cereal so he can have it at the house when you come to stay there. I like my brothers being jealous because my girlfriend is the hottest! Like!” 

“I want you too,” Jackie said. “I’m scared that I won’t do it well. Date, or whatever.”

“I’ve had girlfriends before, but never felt so smitten with someone. Things are different. My brothers were right. My type used to be whoever gave me attention. I just liked feeling loved. I liked someone loving me. And I’m so emotional so I connect so quickly. Jackie, you’re different. Not that I wasn’t overwhelmingly attached to you, because that’s exactly what happened. But the feeling is different. This feels right. This feels real. Do you get what I’m saying?” Jan’s eyes had let out a few tears, but she wasn’t consumed by her crying.

“Yes. And no.”

“Girlfriend is too soon,” Jan said. “But I am not going to correct my family. And I am not going to stop feeling like this for you. It’s becoming even deeper! And having you here has been everything.”

“So, tell me what you want,” Jackie probed. “What are we?”

“We’re seeing each other,” Jan said, firmly while she wiped her eyes. 

“Yeah?” Jackie asked, hopefully.

“Yeah,” Jan said with finality. “We are seeing each other.”

“I like that,” Jackie said, kissing the top of Jan’s head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you thank you thank you for reading!! I appreciate it!
> 
> I hope this detour into Hallmark territory was refreshing and making the girls happy was not too saccharine! 
> 
> Leave a comment! Leave a review! Tell me what you think!!
> 
> Cheers!!!!!!


	14. But it's Disintegrating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie and Jan spend Christmas day with the whole Mantione family, and Jackie meets the patriarch of the Mantione family at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so unbelievably happy that everyone liked the sweet change of pace for the last chapter! I enjoyed writing it so much that I am actually going to deliver another angst-free chapter! I know, it's out of character!! But I am really loving writing these cute vignettes and I think they're so necessary to keep the tone of this story not so brutal.
> 
> Anyway, I'm RAMBLING!!  
> I hope you all enjoy this update!!!
> 
> Cheers!

Jackie had never experienced a day quite so busy as Christmas day with the Mantione family. Jan had awoken Jackie promptly at 7 am by booming down the stairs and yelling that it was Christmas. Jackie groaned and threw a pillow at Jan, who simply caught it and started to loudly sing carols. As Jackie began to wonder how Jan's brothers felt about the early wake-up call when she heard a baritone and bass voice join in the loud carolling as well as the thundering footsteps of grown men joining Jan and Jackie in the basement. Jackie rolled her eyes, realizing that the festivities were beginning. 

Maria had a large breakfast prepared and she encouraged everyone to eat quickly so they could begin visiting. The family ate fast, loudly talking with their mouths full, making Jackie laugh. As soon as they started their visiting, Jackie was thrown into a day of hugs, eating, and meeting Jan's maternal extended family. Everyone she met loved Jan intensely, and that transferred easily to Jackie. All the aunts, uncles, and cousins had kind words and questions about Jackie's life. Even Jan's Nonna seemed so happy to meet Jackie, with her only complaint being that Jackie wasn’t Italian - but apparently to Nonna, being Persian was "I guess close enough”. It was hard for Jackie to fathom a world where even the elders of the family were okay with their kin being gay, but Jan’s family was proof. And they were very excited about Jackie. Every conversation was earnest, with questions being asked and details being remembered. The straw that finally led to Jackie excusing herself to dry a few tears was Maria talking about how she was going to have two doctor daughters one day. It hurt to think of this stranger feeling pride about Jackie’s future when her own parents weren’t capable of it, but the way Jan’s family toasted Jackie’s health and success made it a lot easier to swallow. They made her feel like she was worth love. And that was the best Christmas gift that Jackie would ever get in her life.

The whole day was filled with such positive, yet overwhelming emotions and Maria knew it. She had yet to hear Jackie’s story, but she could see the awkward pauses and the way Jackie fought back tears when the family pumped her up. Against the rules that she had instated for her children, Maria let Jackie and Jan exchange gifts alone in Jan’s room once they were home from the long day's festivities.

“Overwhelmed?” Jan asked as they started to get settled into Jan’s room. Maria had not set a time for the gift exchange to end, so Jan planned to let Jackie share her bed and feign ignorance when her mother called her out the next morning. Having Jackie in her home but unable to sleep in her presence felt like torture to Jan, so she was willing to take whatever came from her mom if it meant she got to hold Jackie. Especially since they had decided they were seeing each other, sleeping beside each other just seemed fitting.

“Not at all,” Jackie lied. “They’re amazing though, Jan. If you tried to explain your family to me, I would assume you’re lying. It’s like some Hallmark film. They’re so kind and so full of love. I see where you get all of your Jan-ness from.”

“They’re great,” Jan said with a wide smile. “I am so glad I got to show you off. Everyone was so impressed by you and my brothers were so pissed! Neither of them have ever had a girlfriend that Nonna liked. She’s usually a crotchety old bat to anyone we bring around. But she genuinely talked to you.”

“I’m glad I was there to impress Nonna,” Jackie said, rolling her eyes. 

“Oh shut up. I’m glad you’re here for other reasons,” Jan laughed as she threw a set of  pyjamas at Jackie. Jokingly and exaggeratedly, Jan turned to cover her eyes as Jackie started to change. “Can’t look at you changing! Mom wants me to behave while you’re here. Plus if she hears me tongue fuck you on Christmas night, it might draw attention to you sleeping in here.”

“You’re disgusting!” Jackie exclaimed, feeling her cheeks turn bright red.

“Unless that’s what you want to give me for Christmas. Because I wouldn’t say no.”

“You can look now,” Jackie said drily, as Jan whipped around to face her, smiling and wiggling her eyebrows. As Jackie rolled her eyes, she made her way to the side of Jan’s room where she had stuffed the photo frame that she had gotten for Jan for Christmas. “I do have a gift for you, you know. It’s nothing special. It’s kind of small.”

“Jacks,” Jan gasped. “I hope you’re kidding. I don’t have anything for you.”

“This… Jan, I’m not good at emotional things, okay?” Jackie began.

“You?” Jan asked, jokingly. Jackie rolled her eyes and swatted at Jan playfully.

“This holiday with you _was_ a gift. You have been an unstoppable force of good in my life. You’re so good. And I have neglected to always make sure you know how important you are to me. Things have not been easy, but they’ve been good. And they’re only this good because of you, single-handedly. So, I got you a present.”

“You didn’t need to do that,” Jan said softly. 

“I wanted to,” Jackie mumbled, tossing the Christmas bag at Jan. Throughout the day, Jan had hastily and excitedly opened the presents that she was given. It was endearing to Jackie, watching Jan clap her hands together excitedly and ramble out long thank-yous whenever she received a gift. But this present was different. Jan didn’t rip the tissue paper out dramatically. Instead, she gently opened the package, gingerly removing each piece of paper. Jan took out the frame and when she realized what was in it, her eyes filled with tears.

“Our paper,” Jan whispered.

“It’s kind of stupid. I know. I just-” Jackie began to diminish the gift on instinct, but Jan jumped up and landed a passionate kiss on Jackie’s lips. There were so many things Jan wanted to communicate, but talking about emotion would not be as clear to Jackie as a kiss would be. 

"This is my favourite gift ever, Jacqueline," Jan said, allowing the tears to start running from her eyes. “I don’t even know how to process this! Honestly, this is the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me. Thank you so much Jacks. I’m kind of speechless.”

“Don't cry about it!" Jackie laughed, her eyes welling up as well. She wished that she could further articulate how much Jan meant to her, but instead, Jackie slipped back into lightly teasing. It had been hard enough to explain why she wanted to give Jan a present in the first place, so Jackie just hoped that gift-giving was one of Jan’s love languages. That way, the gift could fill in the gaps in her declaration of care.

"Well! Don't be so fucking sweet then! It's your fault. It's almost always your fault when I cry lately, come to think of it" Jan teased. 

“A cool breeze could make you cry,” Jackie sarcastically replied. 

“Some breezes carry an overwhelming sense of joy relating to being alive which is what actually makes me cry! It's not the breeze, but what it represents!” Jan joked, but it wasn’t entirely untrue. Her emotionality was something that Jackie loved. From the moment she confessed her fears about being too emotional, Jackie was enamoured with the way that Jan’s heart sat proudly on her sleeve. Even if sometimes Jan’s symbiotic crying irked angry and anxious Jackie, it was also very endearing. Jackie laughed as Jan gestured for Jackie to snuggle into the bed with her.

"Are you sure I should stay here?" Jackie asked, reluctantly acknowledging that if Jan felt too uncomfortable with their previous plan, she would leave, no matter how much she would rather spend the night in Jan's bed. "Your mom has been so good to me. I feel weird about sneaking around her wishes. It feels strange to break her rules."

“Even if my mom was a dick to you, you’d feel weird about breaking the rules,” Jan laughed.

“Yes fair, but I feel extra bad ‘cause your mom is so kind,” Jackie pointed out.

"Please stay. I’ll set an alarm for like six. Just sneak downstairs early! Besides, if she catches you, my mom owes me. I need you tonight Jacks. Even more than usual," Jan softly said as Jackie relented and got into the bed. The girls snuggled up as Jackie wrapped her cold hands around Jan, taking the big-spoon position. Jan had left her blinds open so they could watch the snowfall and see the way the moon illuminated the night. It warmed Jackie's heart to see the way Jan's eyes sparkled as she watched white snow spur across the grey night sky.

“Since it’s no longer December 23rd, can I say that this was the best Christmas ever?” Jackie said, breaking the peaceful and pleasant silence.

“Yes,” Jan giggled.

“This was officially the best Christmas ever. Fuck, this was the best holiday ever. I can’t remember the last time I felt so… nice. I just feel nice. Thank you, Jan,” Jackie said as she tightened her arms around Jan. The fact that Jan knew that Jackie was likely not exaggerating was bittersweet. It bummed her out to know that it took twenty-two years to have a holiday that made her feel very happy. But, knowing she was a part of such a memorable experience for Jackie was lovely. Discerning how Jackie made her feel was always going to be difficult, Jan realized.

“Anything for you,” Jan said softly, starting to drift off to sleep.

**

Meeting Maria and spending some of her holidays with half of Jan’s family made meeting the other half of the Mantione’s a bit less terrifying for Jackie. AJ and Joey would be spending time at Sal and Theresa’s with her and Jan, so Jackie knew that even if Jan’s father and step-mother hated her, at least the boys were on her team. They had grown to like Jackie a lot and like teasing Jan with her even more. However, Jan had spoken so highly of her father that meeting him was intimidating no matter how well everything went with Jan’s mother. Dr. Salvatore Mantione was one of the main reasons that Jan had fallen in love with the healthcare field, after all. And Theresa had been Jan’s stepmother since she was quite young, so her opinion held as much weight as anyone else’s. The day they were all due to arrive at Jan’s father’s house, Jan had opted to drive over with Jackie in Nicky’s car, so they would have a few minutes of privacy.

“So,” Jackie said just a few minutes into the short drive. “What do I need to know about your dad? What do I need to say and do to impress him?”

“Impress him?” Jan laughed. “You didn’t need any note cards to impress Ma! You're fine!”

“I didn’t have the opportunity! Trust me, if I had time, I would have studied up a bit more before meeting your mother. Maybe I could have made her like me even more,” Jackie pointed out.

“Be yourself,” Jan said while shaking her head. “You have nothing to worry about.”

“Everyone is nervous when they meet their girlfriend’s dad,” Jackie teased, knowing that the girlfriend schtick was not going to be ending anytime soon. They both thought it was a bit soon, but true to her word, Jan didn’t correct everyone when they referred to Jackie as her girlfriend. 

“My dad is a total suck,” Jan laughed. “He is going to grill you a little bit, but just because I’m the only girl. He is extra protective of me.”

“It’s cute that he’s like that even though you’re gay,” Jackie said with a smile. Many women she had known over the years that had overprotective fathers were only wary of men. It was nice to think of a father being protective of his daughter no matter who they were dating. It made Jackie a bit envious, but mostly just thrilled that Jan was so loved. 

“Oh god, my first girlfriend ever, she didn’t leave her car to pick me up for a date,” Jan began, giggling while she shared the story. “She just honked the horn. You should have seen my dad. Didn’t want me to go out that night. Said she was disrespectful and that he was going to hold all suitors to the standards of a true gentleman. Seventeen-year-old Jan was pissed at him and thought he was so embarrassing.”

“How does twenty-two-year-old Jan feel?” Jackie asked while laughing, imagining the man he had seen in Jan’s photo albums blowing up at Jan’s first girlfriend.

“Twenty-two-year-old Jan thinks he’s sweet, if not a bit over the top,” Jan smiled.

**

“My baby! She’s finally here!” A loud man’s voice boomed as Jackie and Jan entered Jan’s father’s home. A short and stocky man came quickly to greet the girls with a large smile on his face. He looked identical to Jan’s brothers, just a few inches shorter. Jackie smiled, recognizing Sal Mantione from the photos at Maria’s house.

“Dad!” Jan exclaimed, jumping into her dad’s arms for a hug. 

“Mia bambina!” He said happily, after releasing Jan from his tight hug. He turned his attention to Jackie and pulled her into a squeeze so tight that it made Jackie giggle. “And mia bella, you must be Jacqueline. My Janice speaks so highly of you.”

“Very nice to meet you Dr. Matione,” Jackie said once she was finally released from the bear hug Sal had her in. “Your Janice is a wonderful woman. She speaks very highly of you as well.”

“Don’t be so formal! It’s Sal,” he said brightly.

“It’s lovely to meet you, Sal,” Jackie said, emphasizing her acceptance of his term.

“Janice,” Sal said, “ Take yours and Jackie’s things up to the guest room.”

“The same guest room?” Jan asked.

“You’re together, you’re adults, just don’t be a disrespectful animal... like Joseph,” Sal rolled his eyes as he spoke. Jackie giggled, making a mental note to ask why exactly Joey was considered an animal. "Take the things up, I would like a word with Jacqueline."

"Dad," Jan sighed. "Don't!"

"Jacqueline, would you like to help me prepare tea?" Sal asked, obviously trying to get her away from Jan. Jackie looked at Jan, feeling a bit panicked. Jan rolled her eyes at her father and turned her attention to Jackie.

"Go with him, Jacks. Get it over with. And Dad, go easy on her. I like this one a lot. Please don't scare her off." Jan said, taking their few bags up the stairs. Sal gestured for Jackie to follow him to the kitchen, and she obliged. In the past, Jackie had met the fathers of some of the boys that she had dated. The fathers usually liked her just fine and they warned their sons to be gentlemen. But the situation was very different from other ones Jackie had been in. Jackie followed Sal and filled a stovetop kettle with water silently, as he grabbed a selection of tea bags from a cupboard. She waited for Sal to start with the third degree, but he was silent.

“Are AJ and Joey already here?” Jackie asked, desperate to break the silence.

“I got them to run to grab a few things from the store,” Sal said quietly, but without any strong emotion. Jackie was having a very hard time reading Jan’s father.

“And when do I get to meet your lovely wife?” Jackie asked, referencing Theresa.

“Unfortunately she had to go into the office today,” Sal explained. “She will be here for dinner tonight. Did you have a nice time at Maria’s?”

“Yeah, it was lovely,” Jackie said. "She's a great woman." "Maria will always have a special place in my heart, sometimes things just don't work out, even when you love someone. Do you know what I'm saying?" "I do," Jackie said, with a nod. She knew what Sal meant, but she didn't want to think about what that meant for Jan. Jackie wasn't yet privy to the details of Jan's parents' divorce. But nobody seemed to escape their childhood without some kind of trauma. 

“And what exactly brings you to my home for the holidays?” Sal asked. Jackie knew that Jan hadn’t gone in-depth with her parents as to why she was going to be there. Maria hadn’t pushed Jackie to talk about the situation, instead preferring to piece things together and let Jackie deal silently. Jan had warned Jackie that Salvatore was much more brazen, but Jackie didn’t expect it to be right off the bat.

“Your Janice,” Jackie began softly, turning to meet Sal’s eye. “Your Janice is a wonderful woman. She knew that I would be spending the holidays alone, and immediately invited me.”

“She is giving,” Sal agreed. “To a fault sometimes. But that’s always been my Janice.”

“My parents are not very happy about me dating Jan,” Jackie said. She realized that she had chosen her words poorly, as Sal’s face fell into anger quickly.

“What’s wrong with my daughter?” Sal snapped.

“No, Dr. Mantione! I’m sorry, it isn’t about Jan! It’s about me being a lesbian. It could have been anybody-”

“Oh! Jacqueline, my mistake!” Sal chuckled.

“They’re not happy,” Jackie said, trying to sidestep the perceived insult and hoping that Sal would forget about the awkward phrasing. The way Sal emoted freely, hugging and yelling, reminded Jackie so much of Jan that it didn’t feel intimidating. It felt very different from when her mother yelled. It just felt like Sal was a booming man, who was almost always loud. “I’m living with roommates who are out of town, and I was not welcome in my parents’ home for the holidays. So Jan invited me.”

“Well, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders according to the boys, so I am very excited to get to know you,” Sal said, briefly pausing. “But you need to understand. Janice is my daughter. She is my baby girl. And I expect you to behave like a gentlewoman, do you understand?”

“Of course,” Jackie said, offering Jan’s father a bright smile. “I expect nothing less. She thinks so highly of you.”

“Jan thinks highly of everyone,” her father scoffed. “Which is why I have to protect her.”

“Sal, your daughter is a brilliant woman. I am very happy to be in her life, and I am grateful to be in your home. I hope I can show you how much I appreciate and care for your daughter while I’m here,” Jackie said, not entirely sure where her confident words were coming from. Perhaps her desire to be in Jan’s life was making her brave in her attempts to impress Jan’s father.

“That’s what I like to hear! Welcome to the family, Jacqueline,” Sal said, pulling Jackie into another borderline-painful hug as the kettle whistled. Jackie smiled, feeling welcomed all over again, but feeling her stomach do flip-flops. Sal had been gracious, if not a bit overzealous in his attempt to screen Jackie for his daughter. He was another Mantione that easily welcomed Jackie into the family, and that was making Jackie anxious. But she had kept her worries at bay so far, and hoped she would be able to do so for the rest of the holiday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so so much for reading! 
> 
> Leave a comment! Let me know how you feel and what you're thinking!
> 
> Cheers!


	15. From All the Medicine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When class standings are announced, Jackie and Jan deal with the ramifications of knowing who ended the fall semester at the top of the class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are back to the regularly scheduled angst, but it is very different! New relationship between the girls means new struggles. And note I am absolutely taking some liberties with how class standings are announced in medical school, but I have some plot elements that wouldn't make sense without a few little changes!!
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading! Thank you so much for all the love on the last chapter, on the previous chapters, and on any chapters in the future! 
> 
> Cheers!

Jackie paced around her bedroom, reading and rereading the email that she had received from Queen’s University. She had finished her holiday with Jan and was back in her apartment feeling peaceful and happy. The rest of her time with the Mantione family had gone similarly to the beginning - loud, loving, and happy. Her relationship with Jan had continued to grow, and once she was reunited with Nicky and Gigi, she happily boasted to her friends about the way she spoke her mind and made her feelings known. However, as Jackie continued to skim the email from the school, she began to wonder if everything she had worked for was going to fall apart. Her heartbeat was echoing in her ears and her palms began to sweat as she tried to release a breath she wasn't consciously holding. Trying desperately to steady her nerves, Jackie sat down on her bed and reread the email one more time before locking her phone and setting it face down on her bed. The class standings had been released. 

_ Congratulations to Jacqueline Cox,  _ the email read. Jackie knew that she should be excited. This was not the first time that she held the honour of being first in her class, and it wouldn't ideally be the last. But the mixed feelings that the email led to made Jackie panic. 

She should be thrilled to be top of the class. Without a doubt, Jackie had secured her place at the top. The late nights, the tears, the constant choices to study when anything else would have been more appealing, it was Jackie who made it happen for herself. And she knew it very deep down. There were a lot of things Jackie doubted and hated about herself, but her work ethic was not one of them. There was no question whether or not Jackie busted her ass. But she knew that Jan also worked her ass off. And Jan had been a part of Jackie doing so well. Their rivalry had proven very helpful, and it was the first time that Jackie had a reliable friend to study with. It would be disingenuous for her to believe that Jan hadn't played a role in her success.

And now that they were seeing each other, what would Jan say? This was the first time in her educational career that Janice Mantione wouldn't come first in her class. If the roles had been reversed, Jackie knew that she would be devastated had the email indicated that Jan was first in the class. Granted, Jackie had worked hard to deal with angry and anxious Jackie. She was able to manage her slight envy about Jan's loving family. So maybe if the roles were reversed, Jackie would have been happy for Jan. Maybe. But the roles were not reversed. Jackie was top of the class. And Jan was an upsettingly close second. 

“Nicky!” Jackie opened her door and yelled into the apartment. She could see the shadow of Nicky in the living room, sitting on the couch. In her attempts to defy angry and anxious Jackie, she had been reaching out to her roommates before she started panicking. Quick messages to the group chat kept things centred when Jackie felt herself unravelling at Jan’s house. And she intended to continue.

“Jacqueline!” Nicky yelled out in response. Quickly, Jackie shuffled out of her room. Nicky had taken over the couch, one long leg sticking towards the end of the couch, the other tucked in close so she could paint her toenails. Instead of sitting on the opposite couch, Jackie sat up on the arm of the couch, careful not to knock Nicky’s leg as she sat.

“I got top of the class,” Jackie said timidly. “For winter exams at least. I’m top of the class.”

“Jacqueline! I can’t say I’m surprised but I am so proud of you.” Nicky tapped the toes of her unpainted foot on Jackie’s leg as a show of affection. “We must do something to celebrate! Did you text Gigi?”

“No, not yet,” Jackie shook her head. 

“You don’t seem very excited,” Nicky pointed out, looking at Jackie quizzically. 

“Honestly, I don’t think I am excited,” Jackie admitted.

“Because it’s just the start of the journey? And like, there are a lot more semesters to come and starting at the top is precarious?” Nicky asked, and Jackie tilted her head back to let out a powerful laugh.

“No, but  _ now _ that’s why I’m not excited! Holy shit, I'm going to have to go through this like, another seven times! And then all the stuff in fellowship! Oh my god.”

“I’m sorry! I just couldn’t imagine another reason you wouldn’t be happy!” Nicky exclaimed. She gave up on painting her nails and jumped up to put her hands on Jackie’s knees to comfort her. “Is it because of your parents or something? Like not being able to share this with your dad?”

“Kind of, now that you mention it, but that’s not the main thing,” Jackie shrugged.

“Oh my God, I need to stop suggesting. Just tell me what’s going on,” Nicky said.

“Well, I’m top of the class. That means that Jan isn’t top of the class,” Jackie said, pausing for a while. “Jan is second. This exam season anyway. She came in second in the class this time.”

“And?” Nicky scrunched up her face in confusion.

“And what if this fucks things up? I feel like Jan and I are in such a good place right now. This break was so good. I learned more about her. I wasn't a dick to her. I actually feel like we have made some amazing progress. And now she isn’t going to be interested in seeing me anymore.” Jackie sighed as Nicky sat up straighter to meet Jackie’s eyes. She had no idea what Jackie meant, so she wanted to be able to address her clearly. 

“I don’t understand,” Nicky stated plainly. 

“This is going to be the first time in her life that Jan isn’t top of the class. Even though it’s only the fall semester, it’s still going to sting. It’s still going to be really difficult for her. And I like, took that from her!” Jackie could feel her panic starting to rise again. Instead of reaching to comfort her, Nicky let out a soft chuckle.

“You didn’t take anything from anyone, Jacqueline. You are top of the class for a reason. You are a brilliant woman and you’re an incredible student,” Nicky pointed out. “You didn’t cheat and lie and break a whole bunch of rules. You worked your ass off for everything you have. And you did it with no support from anyone. No offence to Jan of course, but she has a loving family who have supported her through everything. And her father is a doctor! I’m sure she is brilliant and a wonderful student, but you’re also resilient. You also have had your world turned upside down over and over. And you are top of the mother fucking class!”

“Nick,” Jackie sniffed, feeling herself start to cry. She pulled Nicky into a tight bear hug, leaving tear stains on the shoulder of Nicky’s comfy sweater. Nicky didn’t care about the wet patches and pulled Jackie so close, it felt like their bodies might fuse together. 

“Don’t you dare let that Jacqueline guilt ruin this for you,” Nicky scolded gently as she continued to hold Jackie tight. “You are going to be an incredible doctor. Do not underplay your talents, your brains, and your rightful position.” 

“Thank you,” Jackie whispered into Nicky’s shoulder.

“None of your nonsense please,” Nicky laughed.

“But I am genuinely worried about if Jan is going to hate me,” Jackie said, breaking up the hug. “I’m sure that’s stupid of me. But what if she hates me? What if I lose someone else? I don’t have many people left.”

“If you lose her for this, then she is a despicable person. But Jacqueline, that’s insane,” Nicky scoffed. “You know Jan better than that. I hardly know her and I know her better than that. She isn’t a toddler. She isn’t your mother. And when you two decided to play your games, didn’t you acknowledge that you may lose?”

“Lose?” 

“Did you ever imagine what you would have done if you weren’t top of the class?” Nicky asked sincerely.

“Not until I got the email honestly,” Jackie admitted. “I guess I assumed that I was going to be top. I didn’t really imagine a world where that didn’t happen. It was just what always happened. And no matter what anxious and angry Jackie wants me to think, I know I worked hard and I deserved to be top.”

“So you think Jan also didn’t think about it?”

“Maybe she didn’t. Maybe she did. I couldn't say either way. But she deserves to be top too. And I am so scared that she is going to hate me. Because maybe I didn’t take the position from her, but what if she feels like I did?” Jackie wasn’t beginning to panic, but she was still feeling sick with worry. 

“Jan is rainbows. Jan is sunshine. Jan could be mad. She could be hurt. And rightfully. Because she worked really hard and she is a great student too. You’re right, she probably deserves top too. But she isn’t. She didn’t get the top. It just is what it is right now.” Nicky said simply and bluntly. Jackie understood what she was saying. There wasn’t any guilt she should be carrying. 

“Is she going to hate me?” Nicky sighed, feeling like Jackie sounded like a small child. It was painful to see her friend going through this turmoil. Jackie was used to having people only love her or care about her conditionally. Nicky felt like whatever the two were sharing was not conditional, especially since her friend was particularly prickly to Jan sometimes. If it was conditional, they would have already been done with each other. It would have been so much simpler than the tumultuous experience they’d gone through. 

“I think she is going to be upset,” Nicky admitted. “But Janice is a nice woman. She is not going to break things off with you because of this.”

“I hope you’re right,” Jackie said. She wandered back to her room to grab her phone and realized that she had received a text from Jan.

_ Class standing celebration at my house tonight! Bring your roommate and best friend if you want. It’s going to be super low-key. Just me, Jaida, Crystal and beer. And iced-cream cake. _

A shocked smile crept on to Jackie’s face. She should have known Jan better. She quickly let Jan know that she would be at the celebration and asked what she could bring. It felt reassuring and positive. Jan always seemed to know what to do and what to say. At some point, she would need to be able to pay Jan back for all of the care and consistency that she gave to Jackie.

*

Nicky, Gigi, and Jackie stood outside of Jan’s door. They each held their drink of choice as they waited for one of the girls in the apartment to answer their knock. After a few seconds, Jaida was the one that opened the door. She greeted the girls excitedly, collecting the drinks from their hands and moving to put them on ice. The three friends entered the apartment and walked into the living room.

“Jacks! Gigi! Nicky!” Jan exclaimed happily. “I was worried that you wouldn’t come honestly. But I am so glad that you did.”

“Of course we came,” Gigi said with a bright smile.

“How could we celebrate Jacqueline if we didn’t come?” Nicky said happily, to which Jaida, Crystal, and Jan all looked at her confused. 

“Celebrate Jacqueline?” Crystal said with a laugh. “Holy shit, I told you the message wasn’t clear Janny.”

“Yeah, I guess your message wasn’t clear,” Jackie said, scrunching up her face. “You said that we were here to celebrate the standings.”

“Jacks, Gigi, Nicky, welcome to my pity party!” Jan said with a laugh. Jackie looked around the room and saw that the living room was covered in purple streamers, with purple balloons, and purple solo cups for their drinks. This was clearly a party for Jan.

“Shut the fuck up,” Gigi said with a laugh.

“Chile’, you think our second place baby is gonna be throwing you a party?” Jaida snorted. “This is the first time my baby wasn’t top of the class in her whole life. Crystal and I decided to throw her a little pity party! And it wouldn't be right without the girl she's seeing, regardless of said girl's position.”

“I thought it was a bit weird for Jan to throw some kind of get together for Jackie!” Nicky laughed, and Jackie hummed in agreement. Anxious and angry Jackie had appeared in the background, wondering if this was just a joke to humiliate Jackie. Did Jan just invite her to the party to make her feel bad? Did Jan have her and her friends over just to make her look like a dick for taking top honours away from Jan?

“Come see the cake Crystal bought me!” Jan said, grabbing Jackie’s hand and pulling her toward the kitchen. Giddily, Jan tossed open the fridge and pulled out the cake. Through the clear plastic lid, Jackie could make out a phrase in tiny icing letters. It read ‘Second is the First to Lose’ in a pretty purple font. 

“Is that not a Dance Moms quote?” Jackie asked drily. 

“It certainly is!” Jan said happily. She moved to exit the kitchen with the cake to show Gigi and Nicky when Jackie reached out to stop her. Her hand clasped around Jan’s wrist, and Jan stopped in her tracks. 

“Why did you invite me?” Jackie asked pointedly.

“What?” Jan asked.

“Is this some sort of joke or something?” 

“It’s my pity party,” Jan said, going back to place the cake in the fridge. She knew from experience that this was not going to be a quick conversation.

“Why did you invite me here? To tease me? To make me feel bad or something? Look, Jan, I am super sorry about the situation-” Jackie raced through her speech, but Jan stopped Jackie with a confused look on her face.

“Sorry? What do you mean sorry?” Jan said, visibly lost.

“That I took top honours from you,” Jackie explained. Quickly, Jan’s expression changed from one of confusion to one of anger and irritation. Her lips were pursed, and she sucked on her teeth.

“Now you listen here, Jacqueline Cox. Yes, you got top honours. But you didn’t take it from me. I fought tooth and nail. You didn’t give me shit or take shit from me. You earned it, this time. Next time you won’t. Next time it will be my turn. Because, yeah this is great and I’m excited for you. But I have seven more semesters to kick your fucking ass,” Jan taunted. The familiar tone of voice made Jackie throb and her mouth go dry. 

“I’ve beaten you already,” Jackie said, moving closer to Jan. “We both know that I can do it now. And we both know that I can do it again.”

“Is that right?” Jan asked quietly, moving her body to be flush against Jackie’s.

“It is,” Jackie whispered, moving her mouth to Jan’s neck. She bit down on the skin just below Jan’s ear, eliciting a whimper from Jan. Jackie then chuckled darkly and moved to place a similar bite onto Jan’s earlobe. “I am on top. I will continue to be on top. You are brilliant, but I am top.”

“Big talk,” Jan taunted, pulling away from Jackie. “You’ve bested me academically  _ once.  _ Wow. Fantastic. Bravo. But I am going to be on top from now on. Now that you’ve had your chance, I won’t feel quite as sad when I have to break your heart when you read about me taking this position away from you. At least then I’ll know that you’ve had your opportunity to be top. Once.”

“Second is the first to lose,” Jackie cackled at Jan as she took the cake back out of the fridge. Jan gave Jackie the finger and moved to take the cake out to show everyone else. Her flippant attitude about the situation made Jackie smile. Clearly, Jan was bummed about the situation. She was so bummed that her friends had purchased her a cake and gathered to throw her a little get-together. And Jan was allowed to be upset. She had worked so hard and she had wanted the honours so badly. But she had swallowed her pride. She invited Jackie over and celebrated both of their success in the best way that she could - by joking about it. Jackie was starting to come to terms with a strange fact. Even though Jan was upset at the situation, she wasn’t upset at Jackie. And that was a freeing and exciting realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New angst! New struggles! I really put the slow in slow burn! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Leave a comment! Leave a review! I would love to hear how you're feeling about the whole story and all the directional changes!!! Thank you as always!!
> 
> Cheers!!!


	16. I Find it Hard to Say Bye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie intervenes when she realizes that Jan is overtaken by anxiety and a desire to be perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New relationship, new angst, and new song for the chapter titles! The part of the story more analogous to Medicine by Daughter has ended, so now we are moving on to Medicine by the 1975. 
> 
> As usual, thank you all so much for the love and support you've shown me and this story. I cannot believe how kind you've all been and how wonderful you've all been! The comments absolutely make my day. I feel so honoured that you all take the time to read what I've put together. I have had so much fun writing that I can't even explain it.

Jan did not resent Jackie for being top of the class for the fall semester. On the contrary, when Gigi wanted to throw a get-together to celebrate Jackie’s placement, Jan was first to accept the invite and bought the first round of drinks. She dragged her roommates to the bar for the get-together and was the first one to toast Jackie’s success. Unfailingly, Jan was the dutiful friend who provided love and support. But that wasn’t to say that nothing was different. The relationship between Jan and Jackie continued to grow, so Jackie could notice even the smallest things. She was able to notice that Jan’s ever-present bags were just a little darker. Her perfectly manicured nails were no more, chipped and naked instead of a glossy polish. Jackie had found out that Jan had gotten her roommates to quiz her on school content even more than usual. No longer could anyone say they had seen Jan without a coffee or Redbull in her hands. When Jackie ran her hands and mouth along the curves of Jan’s body that she loved so much, bone was becoming more prominent as her frame began to thin slightly. Everyone had expected for Jan to work hard to take the top position in the spring, but after four weeks of completely minimal sleep, maximal caffeine, and nothing in her head but chemical nomenclature, Jackie had reached a point where she could not brush off what Jan was doing. Truthfully, studying and her new tutoring job had kept Jackie very busy, but her anxiety was the real thing that kept Jackie from speaking up. The struggle of what the boundaries were after they’d been seeing each other exclusively for a month was on Jackie’s mind, but after a month of it getting worse, Jackie knew anxiety wasn’t enough of a reason to stay quiet. 

Jan had been invited over for a study date, which had become a regular occurrence, a month after their holidays had ended. As Jackie quizzed Jan on the functions of the cranial nerves, she watched Jan’s eyes flutter, clearly trying very hard to keep herself awake. Her red cheeks and failed attempts to keep her eyes open would have normally been endearing. Sleepy, needy Jan was a favourite of Jackie’s. But instead, it was just sad.

“Do you want to take a nap?” Jackie suggested softly, taking Jan’s hand. 

“No, you know neuro is my weakest,” Jan pointed out as she stretched her back and let out a big yawn. “I want to get through the rest of the chapter before we take any kind of break. I don’t want to bomb this.”

“We’ve been at this for hours,” Jackie said as she stood up from the pile of pillows on Jackie’s floor that they were studying on. “Want me to go make us some kind of supper? I am getting hungry.”

“A coffee,” Jan said pleasantly. "I would actually love a coffee."

“You’ve had a lot of coffee,” Jackie pointed out timidly.

“Yes mom,” Jan scoffed. “It’s my favourite!”

“Jan,” Jackie said as she steadied herself. She played with her fingers and avoided Jan’s eyes as she tried to think of how she wanted to phrase what she was about to say. 

“Jacks,” Jan said, studying Jackie’s face. It was clear that there was some kind of pressing thought on Jackie’s mind. Jan was very good at reading anxious and angry Jackie, but this demeanour was different. 

“If I tell you something, you have to not get mad at me. Okay? Because I have an agenda with what I’m saying, but it might look like a different agenda. And like, I have something I want to say. But I think you might get upset. I am pretty sure you’re going to get mad at me, honestly. I have to say it though. I have to tell you.” Jackie was unfocused and rambling, both of which were a tell-tale sign of her anxiety, but Jan still couldn’t read her.

“Did you sleep with someone else?” Jan asked, eyes filled with sadness and exhaustion. Jackie laughed and shook her head. Instead of going to make food, Jackie sat down on her bed and motioned for Jan to join her. She slipped out of the joggers she had been wearing and slid under her heavy duvet. Jan stood up and crossed her arms.

“Please, come lay with me,” Jackie said, patting the spot beside her in bed. Jan huffed but eventually relented. It was instantaneous, the way Jan’s bones began to relax into Jackie’s bed. If she had been trying to keep herself awake before, she was desperately trying once she hit the bed. 

“Tell me what you wanted to tell me,” Jan prompted, trying to use the conversation as fodder to keep her eyes open. “I will try not to get mad. But if you slept with someone after everything-”

“Jan, it’s a miracle that I got you to sleep with me! I’m not the Fonz,” Jackie joked.

“Anyone would think you’re a stud with your Happy Days references,” Jan replied, rolling her eyes. “Is he the first lady’s man you could think of?”

“Yes,” Jackie admitted with a smile. She snuggled against Jan and she allowed the blonde woman to completely envelop her. A scowl crept onto Jackie’s face as she could feel the way Jan’s rib cage was more pronounced than she’d ever felt it. 

“What is that face?” Jan asked. 

“Jan I’m worried about you,” Jackie admitted. Quickly, Jan shifted her body away from Jackie’s, taking some physical space and turning to meet Jackie’s eyes.

“What? Why?”

“You’re not going to sustain yourself, the way you’re acting,” Jackie said unclearly.

“I have no idea-”

“When was the last good sleep you had?” Jackie said, but Jan just sheepishly looked away instead of responding. “When was the last time you drank something other than coffee and Redbull? Fuck, when was the last time you  _ ate  _ Jan?”

“I had a granola bar this morning, and I take multivitamins,” Jan said defensively. 

“When was the last time you hung out with your friends without doing school work?” Jackie continued. “When was the last time you did anything that you like? When was the last time you had a bubble bath or painted your nails or danced around your apartment to the Cabaret soundtrack?”

“Jacks-”

“When was the last time we had sex that you weren’t rushing through so we could get back to reading? When was the last time you let me just make you feel good?” Jackie asked, grabbing for Jan again. Unsurprisingly, Jan’s eyes were already leaking full, heavy tears, and she latched onto Jackie tightly. It was all that Jackie could do to not sob alongside Jan. Instead, she ran her fingers up and down Jan’s back, trying not to cringe when she felt the jaggedness of Jan’s shoulder blades.

“I’m sorry that the sex is bad,” Jan sniffed. “I’ll try and be better-”

“That is  _ not  _ what I said,” Jackie scolded. “And I know that isn’t honestly what you took from everything I just asked you. Don’t, okay? Let’s talk about this.”

“Oh,” Jan scoffed. “You want to talk about feelings? Last I checked, you just lash out every time. And now you want me to open up about how I’m feeling to you?”

“Yes,” she simply replied. “Because telling you how I felt has been beneficial every time. And being horrible to you is always regretful and always leads to things getting so much worse for me. You’ve always shown me how good it feels to get everything off my chest, and you’ve been there for me at every turn. It’s your turn.”

“I’m sorry,” Jan mumbled.

“I’m so scared for you,” Jackie whispered, planting a soft kiss on Jan’s head. 

“You don’t need to be,” Jan said as she cried.

“You’re sobbing!”

“Everything makes me sob!” Jan laughed, cheeks still stained with tears. Whether or not it was voluntary, Jackie felt Jan snuggle deeper into her chest. It always made Jackie smile to think of the way Jan dealt with difficulties. She surrounded herself with people and held those she loved close. Even though Jackie was the one she was fairly upset with, Jan was desperate to be held by her. 

“But not everything makes you unable to sleep, eat, focus on anything but school, consume anything except caffeine… you are not doing well. I know what anxiety looks like, Janice,” Jackie pointed out.

“I’m not anxious,” Jan denied. “I am just working hard.”

“You’re pushing yourself way too hard,” Jackie challenged.

“Clearly I wasn’t pushing myself hard enough before!” Jan exclaimed, much more loudly and much more angrily than she intended. Jackie felt herself jumping at the sudden ferocity. 

“Oh… Jan-”

“I’m so sorry,” Jan said with a sigh. “That came out wrong.”

“Jan, if our competition is getting to you-”

“No! Jackie, I really love this. I really love us. I love everything about-”

“You’re destroying yourself over this!” Jackie snapped, sitting up in bed.

“It’s not over us, Jackie, I promise. I promise you,” Jan said, grabbing for Jackie and pulling her back so they were touching again. 

“Then-”

“Jackie I have always been top. I have never been anything other than the best. And I don’t think that it’s your fault. I don’t blame you. I don’t feel like you’ve taken anything for me or that you didn’t deserve it. You did. You’re the best student in the program. But I want to be the best. I wanted so badly to be the best. I decided that I would stop at nothing to become the best.” Jan sobbed. She tried desperately to steady herself and calm her breathing, but it was no use. Her shaking continued to get worse. Jackie felt her chest tightening, filling with empathetic pain for Jan. If the rolls had been reversed, there was no way of knowing what Jackie would have done, but she knew that some sort of misery would have accompanied the loss of being top of the class. 

“You cannot sustain this,” Jackie said. “You are eventually going to crash. You are going to be too exhausted to remember anything. You are going to sleep in class. You are going to fall apart.”

“I am not going to fall apart. I’m not weak,” Jan fought.

“You are so not weak. You're the farthest thing from weak, really,” Jackie chuckled. “You are probably the strongest person I know.”

“Doubt it,” Jan scoffed.

“Don’t doubt it,” Jackie pressed. “You dedicate your life to being kind. You are your authentic self at all times. You are good to everyone. You invited me to your party and you came to mine, even though you’re feeling like  _ this _ .”

“Because me feeling like  _ this _ isn’t your fault. I can’t take it out on you.”

“That, in my books, is extremely strong. Being unfailingly kind is strong to me,” Jackie said softly, tangling her fingers in blonde hair and planting kisses on the same hair. 

“I wanted to be the best so badly,” Jan cried.

“You are so fucking good, Janice. You and I are going to always be vying for the top spot. But that’s because  _ we _ are the best. And yeah I had it this time, but maybe it’ll be you next time. Or me. Or you. Neither of us knows. But if you hurt yourself, or work yourself to a breakdown, or lose so much sleep that you confuse the metacarpal bones with the metatarsal bones, we won’t be making a place for ourselves at the top.” Jackie had let down her defences and was crying just as hard as Jan was.

“I am so tired,” Jan admitted.

“I know,” Jackie whispered. 

“I am so fucking tired. And hungry. And my brain feels like it’s going to explode. I know that it wasn’t good, what I’ve been doing. But I feel like there is no other way for me to be the best. I need to keep running and running and running.” Jan tried to explain.

“But what if you run out of breath?” Jackie asked.

“I think I am already there,” Jan admitted as she dried her tears. She used her partially damp sleeve to dry Jackie’s cheeks as well.

“You can’t live like this,” Jackie admitted. Suddenly, Jackie had an idea. She scrambled out of the bed and made her way to the door. 

“Jacqueline! Don’t leave me, please!” Jan cried out as she sprung up in bed quickly.

“I am coming back! It’s my room, Jan! I have to come back!” Jackie teased as she made her way into the hallway. Quickly, she moved toward Nicky’s door and pounded on it heavily. 

“Bonjour,” Nicky said, looking Jackie up and down. “Missing something?”

“You’ve seen it all before,” Jackie teased as she realized she was not wearing anything but panties and a t-shirt. 

“Did I interrupt something? Is my music too loud?” Nicky asked earnestly. 

“Do you have nail polish?” Jackie asked quickly.

“Nail polish?” Nicky questioned with a laugh. “I thought something sexy was happening.”

“Oh it’s very sexy,” Jackie said sarcastically. “I’m talking with a girl that I like about the nature of perfectionism and how to grow as a person after suffering a bitter setback. The most erotic thing I can imagine.”

“Emotional maturity is sexy to me,” Nicky teased, reaching for a selection of nail polish colours that sat organized on her vanity. Her hand paused over the bottles, and Jackie watched Nicky’s eyes shift as an idea came to her head. “Jacqueline, can you do me a favour?”

“Are you holding your nail polish hostage for this?” Jackie asked.

“Oh absolutely,” Nicky said with a laugh. “Or because Jan is here, it made me remember a favour that I need from you.”

“Because Jan’s here?” Jackie asked.

“Can you get her roommate’s number for me?” Nicky asked with a big smile.

“Jaida?” Jackie laughed.

“Please?”

“Of course, I was wondering when you’d ask for her number, if I'm honest. I saw the way that you two spent the whole pity party flirting. And the way you two had your hands all over each other at my celebration.” Jackie wiggled her eyebrows. To her surprise, Nicky turned red.

“A particular colour?” Nicky asked, moving the conversation away from Jaida.

“Anything glittery,” Jackie said.

**

Jan and Jackie had returned to their floor-studying-pillow-fort. Both women were still clad in panties and t-shirts, but now they were full of sandwiches, vegetables, and hummus. Jan had taken back as much water as her stomach could handle, and watched intently as Jackie awkwardly painted Jan’s nails for her. She was doing an exceptionally terrible job, getting silver glitter all over Jan’s fingertips. But Jan still gave a large smile at Jackie’s effort. 

“I can’t believe that you did all this for me,” Jan sighed.

“All what?” Jackie laughed. “I made sandwiches and got nail polish from Nicky.”

“You know exactly what I mean,” Jan said earnestly.

“I guess so, but you’ve picked me up when I’ve been on the brink about 8 billion times. I could walk with you through a lifetime of meltdowns and I would never be able to repay you for all that you’ve done for me,” Jackie said, leaning her head on Jan’s shoulders. Jan blew hard on the silver sparkles on her fingers, hiding a smile as she noticed the polish on her index finger almost touching her first knuckle.

“I hope this prolonged meltdown didn’t come off as too selfish. Because I feel a bit selfish about the whole thing,” Jan admitted sheepishly, as she poured herself another cold glass of water from a repurposed decanter that Jackie had borrowed from Nicky and set up with ice and water. 

“Don’t,” Jackie mumbled.

“You deserved top of the class, Jackie. You deserved a win. Things have been hard for you forever. A win was deserved,” Jan said, putting her arms around Jackie, carefully avoiding letting her nails touch Jackie. 

“But you also deserved a win,” Jackie said.

“I’ve had lots of wins, and I’ll win next time. I’m sorry that I freaked you out. And I’m sorry that I freaked out. I wanted to not bring you down but I also wanted to feel my feelings, and I wanted to do better. It all came to a head in the weirdest possible way. I apologize.” Jan looked at Jackie with eyes full of love. 

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Jackie said. “You and I both deserve the best. Because we are the best. And as such, I want to take you out this weekend. On the best date of your life. No books, no texts, nothing. I want to take you out. I want us to get dressed up and order overpriced wine and get to know each other romantically. Because as much as I enjoy every moment spent with you, you’re a beautiful woman who I would like to show off.”

“Stop,” Jan said, with flushed cheeks. 

“You’re a beautiful woman who I would like to show off,” Jackie repeated.

“I don’t need fancy things,” Jan tried to reassure Jackie. “I like study dates and coffee dates. And just being with you in general. I don’t need you to take me for expensive wine or anything.”

“It’s about wanting to, not needing to,” Jackie said simply. 

“You’re much too sweet to me,” Jan mumbled through a yawn.

“No sweeter than you deserve, Janice,” Jackie said, planting yet another kiss on the top of Jan’s head. Jackie chuckled as she felt Jan relax against her. It was finally time for the girl to get some rest, and if Jackie was going to be her make-shift, sitting-up bed, so be it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so so much for reading. It means everything to me.
> 
> Leave a comment. Let me know what you're thinking! I feel a bit odd going in this different direction but I am really excited about it. I hope you're all still enjoying it!


	17. Even in the State of You and I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jan allows Jackie to take her on the fancy date that she's been waiting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while! I am so sorry! Work and school have been absolutely wild, but I am here and I am really excited to share this chapter with you. It's the soft, medical terminology drenched fluff that we've all been waiting for haha!
> 
> Thank you as always for reading. I wish I could express how much it means to me that you've all shared such positive feedback and have connected in some way with what I've been writing. It's pretty impeccable, and it has been an honour to share with you guys.

Jan walked into the restaurant that Jackie had chosen with a tight stomach, realizing how nervous she felt. It wasn't as though she was a stranger to dates or dates with Jackie in particular for that matter. But this wasn't coffee and studying. This wasn't her being pinned against a wall or wrapping her legs around Jackie. This wasn't sharing her family with Jackie on her own terms. An intimate, traditional date with Jackie was unfamiliar territory. Jan chewed on her lip and fiddled with the hem of her tight black skirt as the hostess ushered her to the table. Her heartbeat was echoing in her ears as she felt unprepared for the experience. 

Both women knew that Jan was more experienced than Jackie sexually, but as Jan made her way over to the already seated Jackie, she realized that she and Jackie were similarly experienced in romance. In the past, Jan had had a few girlfriends. But never had she felt so enamoured with a woman, nor had she felt so much pressure to impress someone - despite having been regularly having sex with Jackie for months. And even though it was irrational, her nerves were making Jan even more nervous. She had hoped that seeing Jackie would calm her down, but as Jackie gracefully rose from her seat to pull out Jan's chair, Jan's nerves spiked. Her mouth felt dry as she noticed how Jackie looked in her tight black trousers and her low cut red blouse. Jackie seemed effortlessly comfortable (flirting with coming off as downright cocky), as she offered Jan a smile that bordered on a smirk. Jan’s face turned red when she realized that Jackie could sense how nervous she was. 

“You look incredible,” Jackie said as she returned to her seat. A small giggle escaped from Jan’s lips instead of a coherent acknowledgement of Jackie’s compliment. The giggle was met with another smirk and a snorting laugh from Jackie. “What's with the little giggle? Is Janice Mantione sweating? Are you nervous right now, my girl?”

“You look lovely, but fuck you,” Jan manage to mumble as she felt her chest getting as red as her cheeks. 

“What? Why?” Jackie questioned with a loud laugh.

“Because!” Jan exclaimed exasperatedly. “You knew I was going to be nervous about a fancy date and you wore those fucking pants, Jacqueline! How am I supposed to form a coherent sentence when I’ve literally never been on a date like this and your ass looks like  _ that _ ?”

“I haven't been on a date like this either. You’re way overthinking this,” Jackie pointed out.

“I am,” Jan admitted. “But you aren’t overthinking this, are you? You always overthink things! Why aren’t you overthinking this?”

“I was,” Jackie said with a flirtatious tone in her voice. “Then I saw you and honestly, I felt better. I think my endocrine system associates you with good feelings so it realizes it needs to chill out. Although, my endocrine system also associates you with sex so it simultaneously chills and overworks itself.”

“Sorry, was that you flirting with me?” Jan laughed. 

“Of course,” Jackie said easily. “And I think it’s working too.”

“I think you’re right,” Jan said, offering a wide smile to Jackie and visibly relaxing. “It’s not every day that a stunning woman tells you about the rollercoaster ride you put her endocrine system on. I feel like the belle of the ball.”

“Just wait until you hear about the things you do to my autonomic nervous system and reproductive system,” Jackie said quietly with a coy smile.

“Talk dirty to me,” Jan said with an over-the-top moan in her voice. Jackie laughed and passed Jan the wine list. “I have to admit Jacks, I am fairly uncultured. I don’t know a single thing about wine, except for I like the pink boxed wine that Crystal buys.”

“I’m not an expert or anything, I just remember promising you fancy wine, so just order whatever you think looks interesting. If you don’t want to get fancy there are a few kinds of sangria on the menu that might be good!” Jackie said with a chuckle. She wasn’t mocking Jan’s lack of wine knowledge, but relishing in the way Jan bit her lip when she was nervous and the way she wanted to impress Jackie. 

“I did warn you, I'm not very fancy,” Jan said with a small smile.

“You could have fooled me because you look so fancy,” Jackie threw back. 

“I swear, you’re killing me,” Jan said, moving her hands to cover her face, attempting to obscure the way that her cheeks were pink all over again. The waiter happily took their drink orders, with Jan allowing Jackie to order both of their drinks. Jackie mused over the way Jan repetitively wrung her fingers and thanked the waiter too many times. 

“You’re weird today,” Jackie teased.

“Jacqueline, you are a very intimidating woman!” Jan pointed out.

“You and I have been… involved for a few months now,” Jackie reiterated. “You’ve seen all of the worst sides of me, Jan. I am not trying to be a dick with all my teasing, but it’s so unbelievable to me that you’d be this nervous.”

“You’ve never dated a woman,” Jan began. “I have. I've only _ever_ dated and slept with women! I am used to having the most experience. I usually feel more chill. But I like you way too much, Jackie! We’ve been seeing each other for like, a month. And I’m infatuated! I’m out with a trilingual, stunning, medical student who makes homemade hummus. Put yourself in my shoes here, Jacks. I’ve never dated someone like you. So now, yes, I’m a mess!”

“I think you’re pretty amazing too, Jan,” Jackie said as she reached across the table to squeeze Jan’s hand. The action made Jan unclench her jaw and release the tension from her shoulders. “Don’t forget, I’ve had practice being intimidated. I’ve had to come to terms with being a lesbian because of a blonde bombshell who can sing, play sports, and is going to be a doctor. Anxious is my state of being around you.”

“You’re confident in your lack of confidence,” Jan mused.

“Exactly,” Jackie said, squeezing Jan’s hand again. With a characteristic smirk, Jackie dragged her foot up the inside of Jan’s calf. “But, we can make things a bit more your speed though, Janice. If you’re more comfortable with sex, I can take you in the washroom-”

“Jacks!” Jan gasped as the waiter returned with their drinks. Neither woman was sure if he had heard what Jackie had said, but both burst out laughing after the waiter left taking their appetizer and meal orders. The nerves were finally beginning to dissipate, allowing for genuinely pleasant conversation to occur between the two. Jackie had been right, the theatrics of a real date felt different. It felt more official and allowed a unique flow of conversation that coffee and the musculoskeletal system just couldn’t offer. 

“I have a question,” Jan said, midway through their dinner. A pleasant silence had preceded Jan’s question, so Jan felt it necessary to indicate why she was ending the peace.

“Shoot,” Jackie said, looking to meet Jan’s eyes. 

“What do you want to specialize in?” 

“Like, in my career?” Jackie asked, realizing that she and Jan had avoided the conversation of specialties up to that point. They had teased their fellow students for being so dedicated to their dream specialties that they announced it proudly on day one, and they had discussed that Jackie’s mother had wanted her daughter to work in orthopedics. But as for what they had wanted to do, they hadn’t ventured there.

“Of course your career! What else could I have possibly meant?” Jan mocked. 

“I mean, we’re only in year one,” Jackie said, dodging the question.

“Yes, I understand,” Jan said as she rolled her eyes dramatically. “Since we are only in year one, people will change their specialties. But some people have had their ideal specialties since day one and they'll end up there. Jaida has wanted to be a cardiologist since she was a kid! Everyone experiences things differently and it’s subject to change. I am just curious.”

"I can see cardiology for Jaida. She has the coolest head and such a good memory," Jackie pondered out loud. Jaida had invited herself on a few study dates and was extremely helpful before their fall exams.   
  
"Yeah, I agree," Jan nodded. "She has that powerful woman in medicine aesthetic going on."

"I love that for her," Jackie said.

"But stop changing the subject!" Jan laughed, swatting at Jackie's hand playfully. "I know what you were told you wanted to do once you're officially Doctor Cox. But what would you like to do?" 

"You know," Jackie said absently. "I mean I could kind of see myself doing a whole variety of things."

"You're good at everything," Jan pointed out, as Jackie blushed.

"Oh stop. You go first. What specialty would you choose?" 

"Promise you won't laugh," Jan said with a small, sad smile.

"Promise," Jackie agreed, her voice sounding confused. 

"I think I would do well in obstetrics and gynecology. I don't know if I would narrow down further, but one of those, if not a full OB/GYN. I actually applied to midwifery at McMaster in case my MCATs went poorly," Jan explained, missing the characteristic zest in her voice that Jackie had expected. 

"Why would I laugh?" Jackie asked.

"You know," Jan said, looking pointedly at Jackie.

"I don't know," Jackie shook her head.

"People always laugh. It's the obvious joke. I had an advisor in high school who said it right to my face. It was disgusting. Broke my heart," Jan sighed.

"Jan, what joke?" 

"A lesbian gynecologist. Apparently, that is just an unbelievably hilarious concept." Jan said, rolling her eyes and letting out a scoff. 

"People just say that to you?" Jackie asked, incredulously. 

"Yeah, people often joke about it," Jan nodded. "The advisor I was telling you about, he made a pretty crude joke about it when I was like 17. I was vocal about being a lesbian, so I guess he thought it was appropriate or something. He followed it up by sincerely asking if I thought people would be comfortable with that."

"That's disgusting," Jackie gasped.

"The prejudice is there. People have told me outright they wouldn't be okay with a gay gynecologist. I try not to be too offended since lots of people don't like the idea of a male gynecologist, you know? But it's pretty hard to swallow sometimes," Jan tried to look nonchalant about the situation, but her eyes betrayed her. The bigotry bothered Jan.

"I'm sorry," Jackie said.

"We all deal with it," Jan said with an overly enthusiastic shrug. "I'm lucky that I don't deal with that kind of thing often."

"It's still allowed to bother you, Jan," Jackie said softly.

"You've had it way harder than me," Jan said.

"We've both had our struggles, Janice. Don't belittle your experience because other people have had different ones. It sucks. It's disgusting. And if they'd said it to another bright young woman, that may have killed their dreams. And if that comment had crushed someone's dreams, you wouldn't blame them or invalidate them. Be nice to yourself too. Let yourself feel bad, even if you think it could be worse," Jackie said.

"You're probably right," Jan said with a smile.

"You'd be a wonderful OB/GYN."

"Thank you! I just would like to see vaginal health taken more seriously. I want better sex ed. I want better health care for any person with a vagina," Jan said excitedly. "I survived early 2000s Ontario Catholic sex ed, so naturally I take issue with bad sex ed as a whole."

"Public School sex ed wasn't much better I promise," Jackie said with a chuckle.

"Well exactly! It's weird that it's just okay that it's ubiquitously bad."

"I genuinely think it's a great specialty, Jan. You're so kind and warm and make people feel safe. I think people getting like, pap smears and stuff, they would appreciate your demeanour. Positive and comforting," Jackie said.

"Thank you, Jacqueline," Jan said, with a toothy smile. "That means the world to me."

"It's just the truth," Jackie shrugged.

"It's your turn now," Jan said, raising her eyebrows. "I take it that orthopedics is off the table. So what are you thinking?"

"Honestly Jan, I'm not sure," Jackie admitted.

"No way," Jan said, shaking her head. "There is no way that you have no idea!"

"Honestly! I don't think I know yet. I have spent so long thinking I would be an orthopedic surgeon. That's what I always said. That was what I really thought would make me happy because I thought it would make my mom happy. But once my parents... that's not what I want. It was just what I was going to do. So now I feel like I need to think about it. There are so many options that I have never considered." Jackie exposited. Jan looked at her with a hint of pain but nodded her head.

"I get that," Jan agreed. "That makes a lot of sense. Does anything specific appeal to you?" 

"Emergency room, maybe?" Jackie shrugged. "Always different. I like internal medicine too. Maybe general practitioner, so I can learn a bit of everything. Psychiatry seems good too, but I don't know if it's something that I would like, or if I just want to spite my mom," Jackie said, with a joking tone in her voice that Jan didn't believe.

"I like those. ER especially. You're so organized and reliable," Jan pointed out.

"Thanks," Jackie said.

"I could see you working with kids too," Jan mused. "General practitioner in pediatrics or something. I think you'd be good there."

"Me?" Jackie scoffed. “I have no experience with kids. You think that would be a good place for me?”

"Yeah of course. You'd make them feel like they're grown up and involved in their treatment. Not dumbing things down or whatever. Plus you were good with all of the kids in my family. Maybe it’s not what you’d want or pictured, but it’s another option. Realistically though Jacks, you’re pretty unlimited when it comes to options. You’d probably crush it in any specialty,” Jan said with a warm smile.

“You think way too highly of me,” Jackie laughed.

“I like that you’re not sure what you want.”

“It’s a weird state of being for me, that’s for sure,” Jackie said with a nod.

“But it’s an opportunity to like, actually know what Jackie wants. It’s not like you’ve gotten a lot of these times to explore, right?” Jan asked.

“Definitely not. I guess I was a bit embarrassed to not be sure. Following a plan is what I’m good at. When things are set out for me, I can execute them. So the idea of me just floundering around and lost feels so weird,” Jackie sighed.

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Jan shook her head. “It’s cool, Jacks. You’re unlimited. You have, for the first time in twenty-two years, the time to make a big choice for yourself. And it’s going to be like, super overwhelming. But it’s exciting. You don’t need to have an idea of your specialty as of now anyway, as you already said.”

“Cheers to being completely out of my depth and spoiled for choice?” Jackie teased, holding up her nearly-empty glass of wine toward Jan. With a boisterous laugh, Jan followed suit, holding up her similarly vacant glass to touch with Jackie’s.

**

“This was an incredible night,” Jan said with a wide grin, as Jackie walked her up the stairs and to the front door of her apartment.

“Thank you for letting me take you out tonight. It was nice, Jan. I think we should do this again sometime,” Jackie reached over to Jan and grabbed her hand. The two shared a beat of silence before Jackie leaned in to capture Jan’s mouth with her own. Instead of the soft lips that she expected, Jackie was met with the back of Jan’s hand.

“Now, Miss Cox,” Jan said with a smirk. “I don’t know what kind of lady you think I am! This is our very first date. What would the neighbours say if they knew that I kissed you? What would people think? Going too fast will ruin our perfect date! I am a good girl. I can’t be kissing on the first date.”

“You’re a good girl who doesn’t kiss on the first date?” Jackie repeated with a laugh.

“Correct,” Jan said with a curt nod.

“Do you remember how we met?” Jackie asked.

“Yes, and since it wasn’t a date, I did not kiss you on the first date,” Jan continued to tease Jackie. Jackie laughed, but the smirk sat on Jan’s face, looking resolute in her statement. 

“You just fucked me within the first four hours of knowing me,” Jackie pointed out.

“Correct, but not on the first  _ date _ .” 

“You’re the worst,” Jackie groaned.

“Did you think you were getting some tonight?” Jan asked, meeting Jackie’s eyes intently. The flirty lilt that Jackie loved was present in Jan’s voice. The way she was teasing was getting to Jackie. Instead of responding, Jackie grabbed Jan by the hips and pulled her tight, using her weight to pin Jan against the door. Jan gasped as she felt her back connect with the wood of the front door of her apartment. A smirk crept onto Jackie’s face as she watched a breath get caught in Jan’s throat. Her resolve to tease and mess with Jackie melted away and she initiated a deep, passionate kiss. When both of their lungs were at their breaking point, Jackie let out a dark chuckle as Jan quivered.

“I thought you didn’t do this on the first date?” 

“Jacks,” Jan whined as she tried to kiss Jackie’s neck. She moved away to continue the teasing as Jan let out an exasperated huff.

“I thought you wanted to be a good girl,” Jackie taunted. 

“You’re killing me,” Jan moaned, as Jackie started to move her hands upward as she kept Jan against the door.

“I thought that moving too fast-”

“Jacqueline, I need you to take me inside and fuck me. I can't take it anymore! I am not a good girl, I am a wanton disaster who is extremely needy! Please, take me inside,” Jan demanded, with her voice so loud that it bordered on yelling.. Jackie smoothly pushed Jan into the apartment. If Jan was so desperate that she was willing to almost yell, who was Jackie to not oblige her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is! Thank you all so much for reading. 
> 
> Please let me know how you're feeling! Let me know how this chapter worked for you! Leave me some love or some criticism! Thank you thank you thank you!


	18. And How Can I Refuse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie is faced with an intense, personal tragedy, and she leans on Jan harder than she ever has before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! 
> 
> This chapter needs a massive CW for a few things. Homophobia, references of abuse/trauma, and death - specifically parental death. This chapter has a lot to do with learning to deal with trauma when closure is mostly impossible. It's the bad, abusive, homophobic family stuff. So please, tread lightly if that stuff is hard for you. Please please!!
> 
> Anyway!!  
> I hope this chapter reads well, it is a departure for me from what I normally write, but I am pretty excited to share it, even if it's strange and painful stuff.
> 
> RAMBLING!  
> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoy!!

As the spring semester, and the first year of medical school, drew to a close, Jackie felt better than she had for most of her life. Her grades were top-notch, her friends were the support system that she had always wanted, her tutoring job was proving quite lucrative as well as a positive experience overall, and she was getting ready to ask Jan to be her girlfriend officially. For once, her personal life wasn't the chaotic mess that Jackie had become used to. Life was peaceful and pleasant, even as her final exams loomed in the distance. 

On a cold, dark, March early morning, Jackie was jolted awake by the irritating ring that she had forgotten to silence when she fell asleep, little spoon to Jan's big spoon in Jackie's bed. Jan snored loudly, seemingly unperturbed by the sound. The neon red of Jackie's ancient alarm clock that she still kept in her room indicated that it was half-past three. She reached for the cell phone and unplugged it from the wall quickly. Shuffling out of the bedroom, as to not awaken her sleeping beauty, Jackie looked at her phone and saw an unfamiliar number. It was puzzling, to say the least, to receive a call from an unknown number at three am. Despite her reservations (of which Jackie had many), she accepted the call.

"Hello?" She mumbled as she yawned into the phone, speaking half in a whisper as to not wake up Jan or her roommates. 

"Jacqueline." To Jackie’s utter shock, her father's voice responded softly to her greeting. Instantly, hot tears formed as a rush of unresolved feelings hit Jackie. For a few seconds, she was too overwhelmed to speak. Her father repeated her name, but Jackie’s voice was still caught in her throat. Even though she knew that it would be kind to let Jan sleep, Jackie immediately found herself scooting back to her bedroom to tell Jan about what was happening. She was a lot better at shutting up anxious and angry Jackie when she needed help, and leaning on Jan was getting easier with each passing crisis. 

"Dad," Jackie breathed when she finally found her voice, as she violently shook Jan awake. The blonde nearly jumped out of her skin as she roused, feeling as startled as she looked. Jackie caught Jan's eye as she adjusted to being awake and gestured to the phone.

"Did I wake you?" Her father asked.

"Yeah,  _ Dad _ , but it's okay. What's going on?" Jackie emphasized the word Dad so that Jan could piece together what was going on. Immediately, Jan sat up in bed, putting her hand on Jackie's as her eyes widened in shock. Neither of Jackie's parents had attempted to contact her since their meeting in Jackie's apartment, and Jackie had officially stopped trying to contact her parents after the encounter with her father in December. Both women were scared to think of what the phone call could mean. Jackie tried to stay calm, but her father’s response felt like a punch in the stomach.

"Your mother is in the hospital," her father said quickly.

"What?" Jackie gasped. Jan asked her what was wrong, but Jackie didn't answer. Her mouth felt like it was full of cement after she responded to her father. 

"Cerebral aneurysm. She had a cerebral aneurysm. Nobody knew. It was why she had headaches, I suppose. It ruptured this morning," he said, matter-of-factly. "The doctors have said that we needed to get in contact with everyone and that her family should all be here. I don't know if she wants you- I had to call you. What happens next is your prerogative. Your aunts were going to call you if I didn’t. But it ruptured. And she’s in the hospital."

"I don't understand," Jackie said, beginning to sob. The way her father rambled was familiar to Jackie, as she often spoke the same way when she was overwhelmed and upset. But her father’s voice sounded emptier than Jackie would have imagined, knowing how ill her mother must be.

"You need to get here as soon as possible if you intend on coming, Jacqueline," he stated before ending the call. Jackie sat, her mind swimming with fear and confusion.

"Babe," Jan pulled Jackie into a warm hug as Jackie broke down into a mess of sobs.

"I think… I think my mother is dying? My mom is dying, Jan." Jackie sobbed as Jan shook her head in an attempt to register what had been said. 

"I'm sorry?" Jan asked incredulously 

"My dad said she had a cerebral aneurysm rupture. I didn't even know she had aneurysms. None of us did. She had headaches, I mean, most of my life. But she never went to a neurologist or anything… Fuck, Jan." Jackie bawled against Jan. 

"Holy fuck," Jan breathed.

"They're at the hospital. The doctors told my dad to call the family. I think she is dying, Jan. He only called me to come because it's bad. He said my aunts were going to do it if he didn’t. Like, that has to be bad. There is no way that my aunts and my dad… She’s going to die, Jan." Jackie was rambling the way her father did and she couldn’t stop herself. 

"Let's go then," Jan said, jumping up to find some joggers and a hoodie.

“What?” Jackie said when she finally heard and registered what Jan had said.

“To the hospital. Let’s go.”

"He said he doesn't think she wants me there. He doesn’t want me there. He only called me because my aunts were going to. I don’t know, Jan," Jackie said, feeling like she was unable to move. It was like her legs were made of lead that she couldn't convince to even twitch.

"He called you," Jan said as she started to collect phones, chargers, ID, and anything else they might need. "He wants you there to some degree. Maybe he misses you. Maybe he wants closure. Maybe he doesn't want you there but wants you to have the option to make your peace. And even if he honestly doesn't want you there, Jacqueline, I don't think you'll forgive yourself if-"

"Don't," Jackie said, shaking her head at Jan.

"I know. I can't imagine how you feel right now. But I'm going to drive you to the hospital, and we can have this conversation in the parking lot. We don’t need to have this conversation right now, right here."

"Why?" Jackie looked at Jan quizzically. 

"Jacks, I have everything packed. Just grab some pants. You need to-"

"Why can't we have this conversation now?" Jackie repeated, allowing some anger to appear in her voice.

"Because what if it's too late?" Jan said softly, tossing a pair of pants at Jackie.

"Janice, I don't know if I want to go."

"You're allowed to feel like this. I would be surprised if you didn't. After the life you've had..." Jan said, pulling Jackie up from the bed. "But if we sit here debating, you could lose the option to choose for yourself. If we are at least in the parking lot, you can have ownership of this decision."

"I think you're right, but I am really scared," Jackie admitted. "And I need you to come with me."

"Of course I'm gonna drive you-"

"Jan, I need you to come in-in with me. I need you to hold my hand. I can't not say goodbye if it's the end. Even if I don’t know how to feel, I know that I can't do it without you. I know it's a lot to ask," Jackie paused her sobs to meet Jan's eyes to try and get a read on how this request was being taken. She looked for any sign of anxiety in Jan, who hid her fears about being there with Jackie's family extremely well. 

"Anything," Jan said with a nod. The last thing she wanted to do was make Jackie feel bad about needing support, but being in the hospital while Jackie's mother was probably dying seemed like a horrible idea to Jan. No matter how she felt though, if Jackie needed her, she would be there. 

**

It took a few minutes of wandering and a few kind employees of the hospital offering directions to find the waiting room that Jackie's father was in. Much to Jackie's dismay, none of her extended family were with her father. Disregarding her fear for a minute, she ran to her father, arms outstretched. He was sitting in a stiff chair, looking down at his hands. When he noticed Jackie running forward with Jan cautiously following, his jaw clenched.

"Dad," Jackie yelped, starting to cry again and realizing her father was not going to hug her. Even with her mother likely about to pass, her father was resolute.

"Why is  _ she  _ here?" Her father sneered.

"She is here because I asked her to be," Jackie said wearing a snarl that was identical to her father's. Jackie turned quickly to grab Jan's hand and pull her closer to Jackie's father. "This is Janice. This is my girlfriend. She is here to support me at this time. Your opinion was not asked for. Now, what the fuck happened?"

"She isn't welcome-"

"Tell me what the fuck happened to my mother!" Jackie yelled in a tone that Jan had never heard. It slapped all confusion about the situation out of Jan's head. She squeezed Jackie's hand tight, offering her as much support as possible. 

"She had a migraine, we thought. She was throwing up. She passed out," Jackie's father explained tensely. His daughter's anger inspired him to finally explain the situation.

"Where is everyone?" Jackie asked, referencing the lack of family in the waiting room.

"People have been by and said their goodbyes."

"Is this really my goodbye?" Jackie choked out through her sobs. Jan searched Jackie's father for some kind of reaction. In her world of rainbows and unicorns, she pictured Jackie's father apologizing for his horrible decisions and finding comfort in each other. In her fantasy world, things would get better for Jackie. Her father and she would be friends again. Maybe her mother would be one of the 50% of patients who survive a ruptured aneurysm, and maybe even one of the 33% of survivors who have no brain damage whatsoever. But this wasn't Jan's rainbows and unicorns. This was Jackie's father standing, facing his daughter with a face of stone. He nodded and explained to Jackie that it was unlikely that her mother would pull through. She was on life support and had never wanted extraordinary measures. Jackie's mother would not survive the next 24 hours. And even though he invited his daughter to say goodbye, he was not going to budge on his decision to remove Jackie from his life. It made Jan feel sick.

Jackie made her way to her mother's private room as Jan attempted to get comfortable in the waiting room. She got a seat far away from Jackie's father, who promptly left the room when he was about to be alone with Jan. Instead of marinating on the situation, Jan decided to call her mother. It was getting close to five in the morning, so her mom would still be asleep, but Jan had no qualms waking her mother up when she felt this scared, sad and uncomfortable. 

"Janice, are you okay?" Maria gasped sleepily into the phone.

"Jackie's mom is gonna die, mom. I'm at the hospital with Jacks. They haven't talked for months since they found out she was gay. And they were super abusive her whole life. And now she has to come in and say goodbye. Her dad called her to come but he doesn't genuinely want her here, and he won't talk to her. And I don't know what to say." There was a very long pause over the phone until Jan heard her mother take an audible deep breath.

"I'm gonna make a coffee, Jannie," Maria said. "Keep talking while I make it. I can't imagine what's happening in Jackie's head right now. Is she just really sick or is she genuinely going to pass?"

"I'm not exaggerating," Jan said, rapidly shaking her head even though her mom wouldn't see. "Jackie is talking to her right now, saying goodbye. What the fuck do I say, Ma?"

"Don't say fuck in the waiting room of a hospital, Janice!"

"Nobody is here!" 

"I don't think there's anything that you can say, Janice. She isn't going to get the kind of closure that you'd hope, is she?" Maria asked.

"Her dad said nothing except that he didn't want me there either. It's not like I came in or went to see her mom! I just-"

"You just came to hold her hand," Maria supplied. 

"Exactly."

"Well first, don't take it personally. This is more about Jacqueline’s father than anything else. Don't dwell on her dad's treatment of you. Make sure you keep her spirits as high as possible because this is going to be brutal for her," Maria quickly surmised. "And I think second, there isn't anything you can say. Just be there. Just hold her hand."

"I hoped that maybe he would forgive her or whatever. Not that being gay is a thing that should be forgiven," Jan explained.

"Janice, you have the most beautiful outlook on the world. But things aren't always like that. Sometimes things are just shit. Sometimes people are too inside their own hate to ever change. I would like to think that people just do their best and everyone tries, but that isn't true. Jackie may never get real closure from her father, and now she won't from her mother." Maria said softly. She wanted to be delicate with her sensitive daughter.

"But it isn't fair," Jan said, starting to cry. 

"It isn't," her mother agreed.

"It's not fair to Jackie!" Jan repeated.

"Jackie will have to find her own closure, Janice. It will be hard. I don't know if closure is always necessarily possible with the person who hurt you, especially if it’s your parents. I think, unfortunately, a lot of people who have families like Jackie have to rebuild themselves on their own and real closure in the way we think of it isn’t possible." Maria tried to stifle her sniffle, but Jan could tell her mom was crying too. Her empathic nature came honestly.

"I hate this," Jan sighed, wiping her eyes.

"I bet. Keep me in the loop. Let me know what I can do." Maria said, before giving her daughter as many words of encouragement and love as possible. Once the call was ended, Jan took a deep breath, ready to support her girl come hell or high water.

**

The next week was a blur for Jackie. People sent cards. People sent flowers. People sent bouquets of fruit and chocolate. People offered to listen to her. People offered to make her meals. Her professors offered her extensions on her assignments. Jan, Gigi, and Nicky didn't leave her side. They spent the visitation alternating who would hold Jackie up, and when her father made it clear that he didn't want Jackie to say a word at the funeral, they were there to hold her together. Jan's parents and brothers showed up to pay their respects. Sal and Maria even brought many meals to put in Jackie’s freezer so she wouldn't have to cook for a while. Not that she had much of an appetite, but Jackie felt very appreciative of the Mantione’s gestures. Jan explained that food was the way her family showed love.

By the end of the night of the funeral, Jackie felt like she had lived ten years over the span of a week. Despite the kind offers from her professors, Jackie had still attended all of her classes and submitted all of her assignments. The normalcy was necessary and kept her mind off of her mother's passing. But once the funeral was over and Jackie was taking her makeup off in the bathroom, everything hit her at once. She hadn't cried since she was at the hospital to say goodbye. Every day after had been far too busy: she didn't have time to cry. Jackie scrubbed her eyes with a cloth soaked in micellar water and felt her chest burn with all of the pain she had yet to release. 

Jackie slipped out of the simple black dress she was wearing and unfastened the sleek bun her hair was in. She mulled over the day's events, the way her family was extremely tentative around her, and the way her father completely pushed her aside. She also mulled over her last moments with her mother. In the hospital room, the silence had hurt Jackie's ears. It was disarming to see her mother look so frail and broken. After as much silence as Jackie could handle, she eventually held her mother's hand tightly and offered forgiveness and understanding. Jackie whispered in her mother's ear that she was sure that her mother did what she thought was best, she would work hard to forgive her and wished that they could have shared this moment in another way. It still made Jackie sick to think of the conversation.

The water in the shower that Jackie had started was as hot as she could stand. She slipped into the shower slowly and allowed her sobs to echo in her chest and in her bathroom. Jackie heard the door open, knowing that Jan and her roommates were all at the apartment. She expected one of them to sit on the toilet in silence, to offer their support and love. Instead, Jackie felt cool air enter the shower. Jan still had her makeup on and her hair up, but she had stripped her clothes off. Silently, Jan joined Jackie in the shower. As Jackie let out a few cries of pain, Jan wrapped her arms around Jackie tightly. She didn't say a word or even meet Jackie's eyes. Instead, she hugged.

Maria was right, and Jan knew it. There was nothing that she could say to help Jackie. This was beyond anyone's ability to speak and bring joy. That was why she chose to hug. It was why she squeezed as hard as her arms could as Jackie unleashed the pain that she had held onto for the whole week. It was why she continued to hold Jackie tight as the hot water turned to warm, and eventually to cold. Jan didn't move until Jackie indicated that she was ready to leave the shower.

"I'm sorry," Jackie mumbled as Jan tucked her into bed. 

"Stop," Jan scolded.

"I'm a lot," Jackie said. 

"You're joking. You're joking," Jan said as she shook her head forcefully. "I know you're not apologizing for crying because your fucking mother died! I don't want you to think that your emotions aren't valid. Especially right now."

"I wish… I don't know Jan. I wish it wasn't like this." Jackie let out a long breath as Jan snuggled into bed beside Jackie, motioning for Jackie to lay on her chest. To Jan's surprise, Jackie took the offer of physical affection quickly and without further prompting.

"I do too," Jan said.

"Thank you. For everything."

"Thank  _ you _ for letting me be here for all of this. I'm glad that I was able to hold your hand, and that you let me hold your hand. I was worried that you would not… That it would be hard to hold my hand." Jan said softly.

“Jan, you have never been what’s hard about all of this. You have been the light in some of my darkest moments. And I hope you know that when I called you my girlfriend to my dad, I meant it. I want you to be my girlfriend.” Jackie said, capturing Jan’s face in her hands. 

“Listen, it was not something that you needed to say. I know how you feel, and I know how I feel. Let’s deal with one emotional upheaval at a time,” Jan teased.

“You’re not an upheaval, Jan… I love you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to my old cliff-hanging! 
> 
> I hope that even though this was another one of those hard ones to read, that you enjoyed. Let me know what you think! Leave a comment! Shoot me all the thoughts you have!! Thank you so so much for reading!


	19. You Rid Me of the Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jan doesn't react to Jackie's declaration of love the way that Jackie hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Work and school have been super overwhelming but oh my god, the response to the last chapter was so fantastic, especially after it being such a detour... I am so grateful for all the love. I am so excited to share the next one with you. Thank you for the continued support and love. Sharing this story is totally getting me through the drudgery of school and work!
> 
> Thank you!!!

“What do you mean she didn’t say it back?” Gigi asked, incredulously. The next morning, Nicky, Gigi, and Jackie had gathered to have a late brunch, as they all had some time, and the girls knew that Jackie would need her friends the day after her mother’s funeral. Though she would never have asked, Jackie was grateful that even after the funeral, her friends were still by her side. She didn’t think that she would ever be able to repay them. Gigi and Nicky had expected Jackie to feel an array of emotions, but they did not expect her to feel anxious about her standing in her relationship with Jan. Jan was the one who had been there every step of the way through the funeral, through Jackie’s sexuality questions, through medical school. As they drank coffee and worked on putting together some food, Jackie had shared her story from the night before. She had laid her heart bare for Jan, and Jan did not say that she was also in love with Jackie.

“Exactly what I said! She didn’t respond to me saying that I want her to be my girlfriend, and she didn’t say that she loved me. I was so embarrassed, and now I’m just confused,” Jackie sighed as she absentmindedly played with a spatula, waiting for a pan of scrambled eggs to solidify. Jan had left early in the morning to work on a culminating group project. She had offered to forgo the group meeting and spend the day with Jackie, but Jackie had encouraged her to work on the assignment. Jan assured Jackie that as soon as she could get away from the group, she would. But Jackie was pleased to be able to take a bit of space from Jan. Not that she didn’t want to see Jan, but a bit of time to try and understand what had gone down between them would be beneficial.

“There’s no reason to be embarrassed,” Nicky tried to assure Jackie. “You shared your feelings and were super vulnerable. It’s brave. Confused, however, I completely understand. I don’t understand Jan's response either. There is obviously love there, so it is very strange."

“What did she do exactly? After you said it, I mean,” Gigi tried to get Jackie to clarify.

“Jan kissed me and thanked me,” Jackie explained. “Said that she appreciated me telling her that or something. It was so uncomfortable. She held me super tight and stuff, she was super physically affectionate. But she didn’t say anything - which is extra weird for Jan. Cuddly Jan is always around, but quiet Jan? She isn’t around very often. Like it was so silent.”

“That isn’t necessarily a bad thing,” Gigi said.

“It was a terrible thing!” Jackie exclaimed. “Let’s be real here. Jan is over-the-top emotional. She cries over everything. When she’s happy, she’s thrilled. When she’s mad, she’s livid. Don’t you think that love would be the same? If she was in love with me, wouldn’t she tell me? I love that she wants to shout how she’s feeling from the rooftops. This is such a mess. I don’t think she feels the same!”

“Wasn’t she weird about your first date, though?” Nicky asked.

“True,” Gigi said with a nod. “She was weird. You said that she seemed like she was on her very first date. Maybe it’s like that! Maybe Jan has never said the L word to anyone.”

“I’m sure Jan’s said lesbian many times,” Nicky teased.

“Oh my god,” Gigi said, rolling her eyes. “Shut up, Nick!”

“I think she has said it to previous girlfriends,” Jackie said, ignoring the teasing and the silliness between her friends. “She tells her friends that she loves them. She tells her family. She says it to everyone and everything! She wears her heart on her sleeve. But like, I have no idea what it means that she didn’t say it to me. I feel so hollow. I shouldn’t have said it. I absolutely shouldn’t have said it.”

“This doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you, Jacqueline,” Nicky explained. “And it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have said it. I’m proud of you for saying that you love her, Jacqueline. It was a big step. I don’t want you to regret it. She has been glued to her hip for a full school year, don’t let this convince you that she doesn’t like you.”

“I know,” Jackie said, not letting Nicky’s words sink in. Instead, Jackie felt like that Jan was showing Jackie how unworthy of love she was. Anxious and angry Jackie was front and centre in Jackie’s mind, telling her about how much Jan didn’t care about her. Her anxiety was making it clear that Jan’s discomfort with the word ‘love’ was somehow all Jackie’s fault. And it was hard to dispute it. 

“Seriously,” Gigi said. “There are so many reasons that she may not have said that she loved you. Maybe after your mother’s funeral, she just felt weird about everything. Maybe she was nervous. Maybe she was tired. Maybe she just isn’t ready yet. It could seriously be anything.”

“I know,” Jackie repeated. 

“It’s easy for _me_ to say,” Gigi began. “It’s easy to say that you should just assume that it’s something that has nothing to do with you. Especially when you’re an anxious person. I’m sure that it’s impossible to believe it, but you have no reason to believe that she is anything other than infatuated with you. She’s said it herself! She has said many times how much she likes you. With her words and with her actions.”

“That doesn’t mean anything to anxiety though,” Nicky pointed out.

“True,” Gigi agreed. Jackie gave her friends a small smile, appreciating the way that her friends tried very hard to understand what anxiety often did to her. They never made her feel bad, crazy, or like she was a burden. They both were always there for her and they allowed her to voice even the most irrational feelings. It meant more to Jackie than she could even begin to explain.

“I already know what you’re going to say to do,” Jackie said, realizing that to her friends, the right direction was obvious.

“I mean,” Nicky said with a laugh. “I’m sure you’re right and you know exactly what we’re going to say. Again, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Especially because this has been one of the hardest weeks of your life. But you do have to talk to her.”

“If you were able to put it out of your mind, I wouldn’t say that you need to talk to her right away. Like, I don’t think it’s a pressing issue, Jack. I think Jan has something else going on and that this is just a little misunderstanding or something. But I know that you won’t be able to put it out of your mind. So, for your peace and well being, you have to talk to her. There’s no other way for you to settle your mind,” Gigi explained. 

“Why is talking about it always the answer? Why can’t the answer ever be to ignore my feelings?” Jackie said with a laugh.

“Even if that was the answer, you wouldn’t be able to,” Nicky teased. “You’re far too anxious to ever just ignore your feelings. If any answer ever was to just ignore something, you are the most obsessive person I know! You would fail at that task immediately! Talk to your lady.”

“She’s got you there!” Gigi laughed. Jackie knew that her friends were right, even if it sounded like the worst idea in the world. Sharing her feelings with Jan was the reason she was feeling so distraught in the first place. The idea of going back to tell Jan that she was upset and confused felt like the worst step to take. 

**

“Hey, Jacks!” Jan said, happily clutching two tall, red Tim Horton’s coffee cups, as she let herself into Jackie’s apartment. It was late in the afternoon when she finally arrived back to spend the evening with Jackie. Gigi and Nicky had decided that they would make themselves scarce, so that Jackie would have time to spend with Jan, discussing their feelings. They were in their respective rooms, leaving Jackie and Jan to have the living room.

“Hey,” Jackie said, fairly absently. Jan handed Jackie a hot cup of coffee and moved to sit beside her. She rested her head on Jackie’s shoulder, but Jackie didn’t respond in any way. Her thoughts were racing too fast for her to snuggle against Jan, no matter how much she wanted to. Scrunching her face, Jan scrutinized Jackie’s lack of response to her affection.

“You alright, my girl?” Jan asked.

“I’m fine,” Jackie lied. Still, she was immobile, not responding to any of Jan’s touches. Through the week of the funeral and after the death of her mother, Jackie had been very accepting of physical affection. A consistent sign of anxious Jackie was recoiling from physical touch, so Jan knew better than to accept Jackie’s word. It was clear pretty quickly that Jackie was slipping into an anxious mindset.

“I know you better than that,” Jan scoffed. “Is it mom stuff?”

“No,” Jackie admitted. It was going to be difficult, but Jackie knew that she had to suck it up and have the conversation. Anxious and angry Jackie was always trying to ruin things, and that had no place in her growing relationship with Jan.

“Spill,” Jan prodded.

“Jan-”

“Please, Jacks, what’s going on?”

“I told you I loved you last night,” Jackie said.

“Oh,” Jan said, taking a deep breath.

“Yeah,” Jackie said hesitantly.

“Honestly, Jackie, it’s okay. Don’t even worry about it. I am not going to hold you to it, or whatever. It’s all good,” Jan said, pulling Jackie into a tight hug.

“Wait, what? What are you talking about?” Jackie asked, very surprised, as she quickly removed herself from Jan’s grasp.

“I know that this has been an extremely emotional week for you,” Jan said, grabbing Jackie’s hand and holding it tightly. “And I expected for something to happen between us. I kind of expected you to pull away or for you to be upset with me. I was honestly waiting for a fight. But if this was how you dealt, it’s completely fine. I won’t hold you to it.”

“I have no idea-”

“Losing a parent is unimaginable, especially when there is so much unresolved. I won’t hold you to it. I’ll give you an out, you know? Some kind of emotion was going to come out either way. And if your grieving is rooted in love and affection, that’s cool. I am going to hold your hand through it all.” Jan explained herself and her thoughts, but Jackie was finding herself more confused with every word.

“Janice, pause,” Jackie said loudly. “What aren’t you holding me to?”

“Saying I love you,” Jan said as if it was obvious.

“I do love you,” Jackie pulled Jan tight against her body as Jan looked at her incredulously. It was her turn to feel uncomfortable and confused.

“What?” Jan asked.

“There is no need for you to give me this out, Janice. I didn’t say that I love you because I am sad. I didn’t say that I love you because of grief. This wasn’t anxiety or me masking my anger or me dealing with complex emotions. This was me being faced with the reality that life is way too short. Janice, this has been a horrible year for me overall. A lot of good has been there, don’t get me wrong. But in general, this has been a bad year. Some days, you are the only thing that keeps me going. Sometimes, your brown eyes or your warm hands are the only reasons that I want to exist in the world any longer. There are days when I feel like I could just crumble and fall apart and never leave my bedroom, but there you are. Your shining face. Your laugh. Your smile. Your gigantic brain. Jan, you have been my rock. Even when we’re competing, all I want is you. I love you. This feeling is overwhelming, but I am absolutely, unquestionably, in love with you,” Jackie said, watching as Jan’s eyes filled with tears. A few moments passed as the women sat in silence.

“Oh, Jacqueline,” Jan said softly, wiping her freshly crying eyes on the back of her hand.

“Life is hard and this year has been unbelievably hard,” Jackie reiterated. “And you make it easier. That is the only reason I said it. No grief. No pain. I said to you that I am in love with you because I am in love with you, Janice Mantione.”

“I love you too, Jacqueline,” Jan whispered.

“You don’t have to say-”

“Of course, I don’t have to say it! I’m saying it because I want to! Jacqueline, you are my entire world! I love you so much, and I am so excited to say it! I am so excited to hear you say it! God, I’ve wanted to say it for so long but I didn’t want to rush you. I didn’t want you to pull away because we’ve come so far and things between us have been so good. Holy fuck Jacks, we are in love! I get to be in love with you! That’s so exciting,” Jan cried out, wiping her eyes again, but still creating new tears as she dried the old ones. “But why were you so upset when I got here?”

“You didn’t say it back,” Jackie explained. “You didn’t say anything back!”

“Because I was scared!” Jan exclaimed. “Not because I don’t love you. I just didn’t want to trap you, or something. Grief fucks with people. I didn’t think it was fair, you know?”

“I get it,” Jackie said with a nod.

“I thought you were just sad, so I didn’t want to make it into a big thing or hold you to it if you weren’t feeling it. I didn’t want you to feel any pressure or anything. It’s not like you and I have always worked well under pressure.” Jan explained with a quiet laugh.

“I wouldn’t say that,” Jackie shook her head. “I think we’ve kind of forged our whole relationship under pressure. Med school pressure, parent pressure, showing up at your mother’s house in the middle of the night pressure… I would say that you especially are good under pressure and have made me feel really good when things are overwhelming.”

“That’s sweet,” Jan gushed. “Thank you, Jacks!” 

“Now that you understand where I’m coming from, I have something that I would like to say to you,” Jackie said warmly, holding Jan so tight, she wondered if their bodies could meld together.

“I’m ready,” Jan breathed.

“I love you, Janice,” Jackie said, voice full of the emotion she wanted to make clear to Jan.

“I love you too, Jacqueline,” Jan said, feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we go! Some pleasantness for these two!! Some fluff! Some peace!
> 
> Thank you so so much for reading! I appreciate feedback, so please please throw me some comments and some thoughts! Any reviews are super appreciated!
> 
> Thank you again!


	20. Ever Since You Came into My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie makes Jan nervous when she day drinks, but it leads to a much-needed conversation about grief, family, love and growth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL 
> 
> It's been a long time, and I am so sorry for it. I had a death in the family, along with trying to balance work and school... everything was just unbelievably crazy in my life. And I truly apologize for taking so long to update. I have the next few chapters outlined, so hopefully, a weekly update schedule will be back in play. 
> 
> Again, I am so sorry for this taking so long!!! I sincerely hope that this was worth the wait, and I really hope to avoid this kind of break in the future.
> 
> Thank you for understanding and I hope this is what you were hoping for!!
> 
> Cheers!!

Jan was worried about Jackie.

A few days after the funeral, Jan had received a very drunk booty-call text from Jackie that had come out of nowhere. It was particularly alarming because it was still early afternoon, and Jan knew for a fact that Jackie was home alone. As an anxious person who was prone to depressive episodes, Jackie worked very hard to avoid using inappropriate coping mechanisms. So, Jan was worried – trying to see if Jackie had just made love to a bottle of wine without thinking, or if this was something deeper. Jan had received the message during the final hour of her last lecture of the day. As soon as the class was over, Jan was on her way to Jackie’s place.

“You look gorgeous,” Jackie giggled when she opened the door to see Jan.

“You’re drunk,” Jan pointed out.

“Maybe a little,” Jackie laughed, pulling Jan into the apartment and giving the blonde a sloppy kiss. Jan melted into the kiss for a few seconds before feeling awkward about their polar opposite intoxication levels. She tensed up and pulled away before putting a soft hand on Jackie’s cheek.

“It’s 4 pm, sunshine,” Jan reminded Jackie.

“It’s 5 o’clock somewhere,” Jackie shrugged, trying to grab for Jan again. Once again, Jan tensed up and moved away from the drunken affection. “This isn’t how a booty-call is supposed to work, Janice. I’m drunk and horny and you’re here. I was hoping you’d already be inside me by now.”

“Jacks,” Jan sighed as she made her way to the couch.

“That’s not a sexy tone,” Jackie slurred, making her way over to the couch to sit beside Jan. Instead of persisting with her booty-call idea, Jackie sat down softly and leaned her head on Jan’s shoulder. Jan grabbed Jackie’s hand and squeezed it tightly. Tears were in Jackie’s eyes before she could stop them.

“Since when do you get day drunk all alone?” Jan asked, quietly.

“Since never,” Jackie admitted. “There were a few bottles in the fridge and it was just going to be a single glass while I studied, but then I kept filling the glass. It was nice to turn my brain off for a while, you know?”

“I get it,” Jan said. “But I’m pretty sure that’s something that people like you need to avoid.”

“It’s one day, Jan,” Jackie scoffed, letting one of the tears in her eyes fall down her cheek. “I just wanted to feel good for a few minutes. And you’re really making that good feeling go away.”

“Oh, my girl,” Jan whispered as she wiped a tear from Jackie’s eye.

“This isn’t going to be a thing,” Jackie tried to reassure Jan as a few more tears fell. “I swear, I was just having a glass. And then I felt warm. I felt nice. I felt peace. My brain is always going, Jan. It’s always on. It’s why I sleep like shit. It’s part of being anxious, or maybe it makes me more anxious. But it just felt appealing to turn my brain off for a few minutes. This isn’t a sign of something more. I really just wanted you to come to get wine-drunk and fuck me.”

“But I think that’s how things get worse, right?” Jan pointed out. “Look how easy it was for you to get your brain right back on and start crying!”

“Don’t blame the wine for that,” Jackie laughed, wiping her eyes forcefully. “Blame my incredibly poor mental health. My brain is always ready to be turned back on and wide awake, freaking out.”

“What do you need, Jackie?” Jan asked earnestly.

“I don’t know,” Jackie admitted.

“That’s okay. You know that, right?”

“Have a glass of wine with me?” Jackie asked, ignoring Jan’s prior comments. Jan rolled her eyes but went to the kitchen to pour herself a glass. It was against her better judgement, but if Jackie felt like she was drowning, maybe a wine-fueled cry session was less of an indication of future problems, and more of a moment to blow off steam. After giving herself a small glass of Jackie’s favourite wine, Jan returned to the living room, retaking her place between the arm of the couch and Jackie.

Jackie retrieved her glass of wine from the coffee table and raised her glass in Jan’s direction. Jan clinked her glass against Jackie’s softly, raising a toast to bad coping mechanisms. The comment made Jackie snort-laugh as she took a sip of the sweet liquid. She was being honest with Jan when she shared that day-drinking was an accident that had spiralled out of control. It had just kind of happened. It wasn’t something that she intended to do again, but Jackie did like the feeling that Jan cared. Sometimes she still felt surprised when she remembered how much Jan loved her. The situation was so foreign to Jackie – to have someone love her so much that she studied her actions and worried about her. It helped to combat the feeling that she was completely alone in the world.

“This has been a really, really bad year for you, eh?” Jan said, offering Jackie a sad smile.

“Oh my god, right?” Jackie laughed.

“You’ve got to have used up all the bad juju by now though?” Jan asked, now offering an authentic smile to Jackie.

“I better have,” Jackie smirked.

“Maybe the Universe has something good in store for you? It just gave you so many obstacles so it all balanced out cosmically?”

“Do you believe in that?” Jackie asked seriously.

“In the Universe balancing?” Jan tried to clarify.

“I guess,” Jackie shrugged. “I don’t really know what I’m asking. I guess after losing someone it’s pretty common to have theological questions or whatever. Whether you believe in karma or forces or a higher power or something. What do you think?”

“Like, do I believe in God?” Jan asked, raising her eyebrows. Jackie nodded. “Well, I went to Catholic school, so I am most familiar with Catholicism. I don’t really have a lot of insight into anything else. But I don’t really know what I believe. This is a pretty heavy question, Jacks! And you’re a lot deeper into the wine-ocean than I am.”

“Go get the bottle and catch up then!” Jackie teased, earning a playful elbow to the ribcage from Jan. After elbowing Jackie, Jan did go and retrieve the bottle, topping herself up but telling Jackie that she had consumed more than enough when Jackie made a move to re-fill her own glass.

“What about you?” Jan asked Jackie, after taking a long sip from her glass of wine.

“I like your idea,” Jackie began. “I like your idea that the forces of good and bad in the Universe balance out. I like science. I like that we are basically all made of stardust and all of our cells get to be replaced. I like that you can’t destroy matter and the water that was here at the beginning of time is the water that is here now. I like the idea that everything is the same, but everything changes. I kind of like the idea that my heart is made out of my mother’s heart.”

“Her heart?” Jan asked quizzically.

“Even though there is so much sadness in my story with my mother, my heart only beats because hers did. And for giving me that beating heart, I can work on forgiving her for all the things that she did to me.” Jackie avoided meeting Jan’s eyes, knowing that if she caught her attention, Jackie might burst into a fit of sobs.

“That’s a pretty big idea,” Jan pointed out.

“It’s not like it’ll happen tomorrow,” Jackie sighed. “But I think I can’t hate them forever. It’s exhausting. It won’t hurt him, and of course, it won’t hurt her.”

“I wouldn’t ever tell you how to deal with your feelings about your parents,” Jan began. “You dealt with things I couldn’t imagine if I tried. If you can forgive them, all the better for you. But I don’t want you to feel like you owe them anything. You don’t owe them forgiveness just because they’re family. Nobody owes their abusive family forgiveness or understanding, you know?”

“You’re right,” Jackie agreed. “But I think that I owe it to myself.”

“That’s brave,” Jan said.

“I don’t think so,” Jackie muttered. “I think I just can breathe again.”

“To me, that’s pretty brave, Jacks,” Jan said, finishing her second glass of wine. Both of their eyes were full of tears again, both trying to understand the grief that Jackie was feeling. Jan wanting desperately to support and be there for the woman she loved, despite not knowing how to feel.

“I thought that maybe I would resent you,” Jackie began. “When your parents were so kind to me at Christmas. When your mom calls and she always asks how I am. When you told me that they were going to come to the funeral, I thought I might feel resentful. I think because I get so fucking angry sometimes, I wonder. But that’s never been what I felt.”

“Thank you,” Jan said, really unsure if that was the right thing to say. She figured that maybe she would just let Jackie talk rather than ask questions or push for more. Instead, Jan added more to her glass and waited for Jackie to share.

“I don’t even think I resent my mother anymore,” Jackie admitted. “In a twisted way, she made me who I am. And again, this isn’t to absolve her. This is to free me. I get to be who I want. And she gave me a lot of qualities and traits that I value in myself. Does that make sense?”

“It makes a lot of sense,” Jan agreed. “It doesn’t make it any less difficult or confusing for you. But it makes a lot of sense. I understand what you’re saying.”

“I love you,” Jackie said, meeting Jan’s eyes.

“I love you too, Jacks,” Jan said quietly, smiling softly.

“I really don’t understand why you’re here with me after everything. But I appreciate it,” Jackie assured Jan.

“I am glad I’m here,” Jan said simply, pushing her body so tightly against Jackie that she wondered if their bodies may meld together. A few moments passed in comfortable silence, with neither woman feeling compelled to say anything.

Grief was difficult to process, regardless of the situation. Both women knew that there was further sadness and pain to come, but they just appreciated the moment. They appreciated the rhythm of the other’s breathing. They appreciated feeling the other’s body heat. They appreciated the support that was palpable in the room. It wasn’t okay, but it would be. It wasn’t until later that night that Jackie was hit with the realization that her brain had turned off when she was being held by Jan. It wasn’t the altered state of sobriety that had helped her feel more peaceful. It was the anticipation of seeing Jan, and the actual presence of Jan. Nobody can save someone who is mentally ill. Nobody can take that illness away. But some people make it easier. Some people are loving and caring and help ease the worst of symptoms. And for Jackie, it was obvious that was Jan.

“I don’t think I’m up for the booty part of this booty call,” Jackie admitted, breaking the comfortable silence.

“Then I’m out of here,” Jan teased, not moving from her spot on the couch. Jackie laughed, realizing how pink Jan’s cheeks had become from the wine they’d been drinking. It made her look soft, adorable, and almost ethereal. She was the loveliest thing that Jackie had ever seen.

“This was more of a comfort-call. Is that a thing?” Jackie asked with a smile.

“I think when the love of your life is grieving, anything they need is a thing,” Jan said with a shrug.

“Love of your life?” Jackie repeated.

“Oh, don’t act so shocked,” Jan scoffed.

“Not shocked,” Jackie smiled. “I just like to hear it. Can you stay here tonight?”

“I’ve already had three glasses of wine, my girl,” Jan laughed. “I was going to stay either way at this point.”

“Good,” Jackie said, enveloping Jan into another rib-breaking squeeze that Jan wouldn’t have traded for the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we go!! Projecting my own feelings, much??
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think! Thank you again for waiting so long for this update. It means the world to me. Let me know what you think! Leave me a comment! They really mean the world to me.


	21. In Case You're My Medicine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jan gets her first bad grade in medical school, and Jackie switches things up in order to cheer her up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU ALL for being so kind and so welcoming for my previous update! I appreciate you all so much!
> 
> CW for failure and anxiety.
> 
> And a heads up... I am not particularly adept at writing smut, but this chapter does get a bit sexy. So if that isn't your cup of tea, this is a warning!
> 
> Thank you so much for your continued support and all of the comments and love!!!
> 
> Cheers!

Jan could remember the first test she ever failed. It was one of the clearest memories she had from early elementary school. Her first-grade teacher had given Jan’s class a Mad-Minute math assessment when they started their unit on telling time. The students had one minute to read ten pictures of analogue clocks and write down what time it was. But six-year-old Jan only knew what the hour hand meant: the minute hand was still a mystery for her. As the teacher started the timer, Jan stared blankly at the test. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t make sense of the paper in front of her. Jan wept into the sweater sleeve of her uniform as the teacher collected her paper, and wept into another uniform sweater sleeve again when she got a 0/10 on the test. The teacher didn’t even put a sticker on her paper. But the next week, when it was time for Mad-Minute, Jan was ready. She got her parents and brothers to quiz her on clock faces and borrowed her mom’s analogue watch so she could get even more practice. The 12/12 and the smiley face sticker at the top of the next week's test taught Jan that she could best the things that were hard for her.

Jan could remember the second test she ever failed. It was near the end of grade-eight. She had a particularly tough French teacher that year who was immune to the fact that Jan was a great speaker with a fairly good accent. The teacher was more focused on Jan’s atrocious spelling and the fact that after four years of French, Jan still confused an accent aigu with an accent grave. Thirteen-year-old Jan was able to save her tears until she got home from getting a 5/25 on her French spelling quiz, but when she cried, she cried just as hard as six-year-old Jan did all those years ago. But the sadness and embarrassment kicked her ass. Jan worked hard and aced every French spelling test for the rest of the year – and she never mixed up her accents for the rest of her French academic career. The 87% she finished French class with taught her that even if you fail one test, you can still pull out a great grade

Jan could remember the few tests she had failed in high school and University. Most of them calculus and physics-related, except for one art history quiz that she had severely underestimated. All of them had a retest available. Every time she saw her failures become a success, Jan felt just as good as when she was little and finally earned her smiley sticker. She learned that when do-overs were available, it was important to take advantage.

The feeling of success and improvement never changed.

However, the feeling of failure also never changed.

Jan looked back in disbelief at the quiz she held in her hand. The tears that welled up in her eyes made her vision blurry, but she couldn’t help but see the 45% written on the top of the page.

“You okay?” Jackie asked earnestly from the desk beside Jan’s. Much to Jan’s chagrin, she had earned her first medical school failure to date, and unfortunately, it was in a class that she shared with Jackie. It was the first time one of the girls had crashed and burned, and the ache was so much worse considering it was the last quiz before finals season.

“Yep,” Jan said, crumpling the paper up (somewhat accidentally, somewhat on purpose) as she jammed it into her bag.

“Not as good as you expected?” Jackie asked.

“Nope,” she said, shaking her head ferociously.

“Jan,” Jackie began, as Jan moved to get up from her seat. Instead of answering, Jan waved her hand dismissively and started to walk away. Instead of calling out for her, Jackie scrambled to collect her things and followed Jan out of the classroom. Maybe she wasn’t famous for the way she handled her emotions nor could she always pick up on the romantic cues that Jan gave, but Jackie was socially literate enough to realize what had happened. Quickly and quietly, Jackie followed Jan out of the class, staying close by, but not pushing for Jan to admit to a poor grade.

“Do you want a ride home?” Jan mumbled over her shoulder to Jackie, who trailed behind Jan a few paces. Jackie could hear that Jan was breathing deeply over and over, trying to keep her composure.

“Do you want me to come over?” Jackie asked, trying to catch up with Jan.

“Not really, sorry,” Jan said, not looking back to meet Jackie’s eye. The two women walked in silence out to the parking lot where Jan’s little car was waiting for them. Jackie had been waiting for Jan to sob to her and hug her, in typical Jan fashion. But the crying didn’t come. The affection and need for love didn’t come. Once they were both in the car, the sadness still didn’t make an appearance. Quiet Jan always made Jackie more anxious than any other iteration of Jan.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jackie asked, breaking the silence.

“I don’t even know what to say right now if I’m being completely honest,” she admitted. “I feel like I’m going to throw up. Jacks, a 45. I got a 45 on the test.”

“I’m sorry,” Jackie said, putting her hand on Jan’s thigh as she drove.

“I knew I wasn’t ready,” Jan said, shaking her head.

“You weren’t ready?” Jackie repeated.

“To sit for the quiz,” Jan said with a shrug. “When I was reviewing everything the day before and even right before class. I wasn’t feeling good about the material. I felt really off. Granted, I didn’t imagine a fucking 45%, but I knew it wasn’t going to go well. It just ended up being way worse than I could have ever expected!”

“That fucking sucks,” Jackie sighed. “I hate those tests. When you just know that it’s going to be bad but you can’t stop it.”

“Oh,” Jan scoffed. “Because you fail tests often?”

“Not often,” Jackie admitted. “But you don’t fail tests often either, Dr. Mantione. That’s why this hurts so much. If you failed often then you wouldn’t care, right?”

“I suppose,” Jan shrugged.

“And Jan, this is one quiz. Don’t forget, this was only worth 2%. You’re going to survive this. You have a solid grade going into the exam – you have a grade that most people would be jealous of.”

“What did you get?” Jan asked. She didn’t sound upset or aggressive toward Jackie. Surprisingly, her tone was conversational.

“Can we hold the competition for one day, my girl?” Jackie winced as she spoke.

“Oh, you fucking aced it, didn’t you?” Jan shrieked with a laugh, playfully slapping Jackie on the shoulder across the middle console of the car.

“I didn’t ace it,” Jackie said honestly.

“But you did better than I did?” Jan asked.

“Well, I mean, it wasn’t hard to do better than _you_ -” Jackie teased, earning a pointed glare and another slap from Jan. The atmosphere in the car lightened dramatically as Jan drove, deciding to drive to her own house instead of taking Jackie home. Not that it was a surprise to Jackie – she had expected and hoped for Jan to change her mind so they could hang out. Jackie knew that it was probably not the last of their discussion regarding Jan’s failure, but now that she had seen Jan’s previous meltdown, she knew what to look for. If Jan started living off of Redbull, Jackie would be able to intervene quicker this time.

“This is okay, right? Your offer to come over still stood, right?” Jan asked, pulling into the parking lot of her building. Both women knew that the question was less than legitimate. Unless she was tutoring or in class, Jackie always wanted to be with Jan.

“I thought you didn’t want company today,” Jackie said sarcastically, offering Jan a huge smile.

“Yes, because I was pissed off and sad! But somebody reminded me that the quiz was only worth 2%, so I am back in the mood to hug my girlfriend before she has a long day of tutoring tomorrow! Maybe if you’d aced the quiz I would feel differently,” Jan teased in return as they entered the building and walked up to Jan’s apartment. The anxiety that Jackie used to feel when she visited Jan’s apartment had subsided a long time before, and now the cozy soft linens on Jan’s bed felt just as comfortable as her own.

When Jan realized that her roommates were both out without estimated times for arrival, she was even happier than before to have Jackie there with her. It was definitely for the best that Jan wasn’t alone after receiving her first bad grade in medical school, but Jan also hated to be alone. Being in the apartment without her roommates just felt too quiet. Quiet Jan made Jackie anxious, but the quiet in general made Jan anxious. She often blamed her extroversion for her constant desire for noise and the presence of other humans, but she also wondered if it had to do with coming from a loud Canadian-Italian Catholic family. Someone was always home, someone was always yelling, someone was always around. Jan didn’t often have to be alone with her thoughts, so as she aged into adulthood, she still craved volume. On the occasions when she had to be alone, she always had music, a podcast, or a television show on, even if she wasn’t paying attention. In Jan’s space, there was always some kind of noise. And Jackie was Jan’s current favourite sound.

The girls opted to still hang out in Jan’s room, even though they had the apartment to themselves. Jan wanted to go through her planner and make sure that she was all caught up for the week, and Jackie was content to sprawl out on Jan’s bed, admiring the way Jan read. It made Jackie smile to watch Jan read over her notes or her itinerary. Her face was so expressive, eyebrows up and down, mouth moving along with the words she was reading.

“Do you want to come over and get drunk on Saturday? You don’t tutor on Sunday morning, right?” Jan asked once she had checked off all the important things on her to-do list.

“What’s Saturday?” Jackie asked, wondering if there was something that she was forgetting that Jan was celebrating.

“Well,” Jan began dramatically. “Crystal has decided to throw a little get-together. There aren’t going to be many people because it’s not a real get-together. Only you, Jaida, Nicky, and Gigi are invited. And me, obviously. It’s a setup. It’s a ploy.”

“A ploy?” Jackie asked, laughing at the absurdity of the statement.

“Jacks, ever since Jaida and Nicky have been sleeping together, so since the end of the first fucking semester, _all_ Jaida talks about is Nicky and school. Except, she won’t admit that she has feelings for Nicky. She is insisting that they’re just friends with benefits. And frankly, Crystal and I are over it. So Crystal is throwing a fake party to try and see if they both get drunk with all of their best friends, maybe Jaida will be brave enough to actually say something to Nicky.” Jan giggled as she explained the plan that Crystal had come up with.

“They’re so stupid,” Jackie said with a laugh.

“Jaida and Nicky?” Jan asked.

“Yes! Nicky is head over heels, but she is insisting that it’s just a little crush and that Jaida doesn’t feel the same so she doesn’t want to admit her feelings. She has been enamoured with Jaida ever since your pity party. Gigi and I have been trying to convince her for the last two months to actually say something!” Jackie cackled, covering her face with her hands. “I can’t believe that they’re such the cliché. They’re falling for each other and just can’t see it. It’s hilarious.”

“It’s kind of romantic,” Jan said with a shrug.

“It’s kind of asinine!”

“Right,” Jan said while rolling her eyes. “It would be so weird to harbour feelings for somebody you slept with, without being able to articulate those feelings. God, you must not even be able to imagine that, Jacqueline. Sleeping with someone leading to confusion and not knowing what to do about your feelings. Can you imagine? You should definitely judge them for that.”

“Bitch!”

“Crystal invited Gigi already, and I was supposed to invite you today, but I was too busy dive-bombing my GPA to remember to ask if you wanted to come on Saturday night,” Jan said, with a small smile. Her eyes betrayed the smile though, showing the sadness that she wanted to hide with a self-deprecating joke.

“You didn’t dive-bomb your GPA, Janice,” Jackie said as she rapidly shook her head. “You had one bad test. You’re still going to finish the year almost at the top of the class. You’re going to be a doctor. This is one test that in the grand scheme of your life is going to mean nothing.”

“I lost my chance to be top of the class,” Jan said, explaining why the pain was creeping back.

“There are three more years!”

“I won’t be top of the class _this_ year,” Jan pointed out.

“But nobody actually cares in the real world,” Jackie rebutted.

“I guess,” Jan said with a shrug. “I just thought it would go a little bit better, you know?”

“I know, my girl. You have such high standards for yourself – a classic perfectionist. If I was in your shoes, I would feel the same as you do, so please don’t think that I’m just brushing you off or something. But really, nobody in the world cares if you’re top of the class in the first year of medical school. It’s not about the year, it’s the experience as a whole. And as much as I absolutely love our competition, it’s the long term plan here. This is about us becoming fucking doctors, Janice! We’re going to be doctors, and that’s fucking cool,” Jackie said, actually feeling herself becoming excited. Things had been so difficult that Jackie didn’t often spend time thinking about how exciting the journey was.

“You’re right, I know you’re right. I’m just in my feelings,” Jan admitted, moving from her vanity and away from her notes. She joined Jackie in bed, grabbing her hand and giving it a squeeze.

“You’re more than allowed to be hurt. It really sucks. But whenever the competition gets too real, let’s remember that this is long term. Doctor Mantione is the goal, not top of the semester, because that really, honestly doesn’t matter.”

“Do you ever feel like you’re way too fucking young for this?” Jan asked.

“Every day of my life,” Jackie admitted.

“Sometimes when I really think about the fact that we’re this close to being honest to God physicians, it freaks me right out. Mentally, it feels like I’m still twelve or something. I should be going to soccer practice and eating a chocolate granola bar, not cutting up a cadaver and learning how to deliver a baby, for fuck’s sake!” Jackie squeezed Jan’s hand as her voice raised in pitch with each sentence.

“It’s wildly overwhelming, but you’re also spiralling because it’s been a shitty day.”

“Ugh, you’re right. I know you’re right.” Jan leaned in and planted a small kiss on Jackie’s lips. “Thanks for letting me have my moment and get all riled up.”

“You’re gonna do the same for me when I fail a quiz,” Jackie said with a shrug.

“At least this time I won’t be caught off guard by you having the best grades of the semester and the year,” Jan said, with a small smile. “I know you’re going to be number one.”

“Yeah well, regardless, I think I was going to be top anyway. I’m just smarter than you in general, my girl,” Jackie smirked. Jan snatched her hand away from Jackie and grabbing a pillow. With a scowl, Jan hit Jackie with a soft blue pillow, causing Jackie to burst out laughing. Quickly, Jan scrambled on top of Jackie, pinning Jackie’s hands above her head.

“You’re such a heinous bitch! I really wanted to top you!” Jan squealed, getting close to Jackie’s face, letting all of the subtexts of the sentence linger.

“Top me then,” Jackie said with a smirk.

“Oh?”

“Top me,” Jackie said, leaning her head up to kiss Jan forcefully. “Please?”

“I’ve always thought you’d look especially pretty choking on my strap,” Jan whispered while she matched Jackie’s kisses with bites.

“Oh fuck, yes please,” Jackie whined. It wasn’t often that Jackie let out whines, but Jan couldn’t deny the way it made her feel. 

“Such a good girl, cheering me up,” Jan moaned as she continued to move her hands all over Jackie’s body, kissing and biting all any exposed skin that she could reach. Jackie squirmed, struggling to relinquish control, but feeling completely aroused by the way Jan’s voice became husky and the small pinches of pain she elicited. “Make me feel better, Jacqueline.”

“Whatever you want,” Jackie breathed.

“My good girl,” Jan said, removing herself from Jackie to get her strap and harness. Despite herself, Jackie whimpered when she felt the pressure of Jan’s body being lifted. “Strip for me. I want to bite every inch of your body.”

“Whatever you want,” Jackie repeated. Jan had a bad day and needed all the support possible, and Jackie was more than happy to oblige.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Let me know what you think! I know I usually stop things before this point, but I really wanted to flex my muscles and work on my writing in general. I hope it isn't too jarring!
> 
> Shoot me a message! Leave a comment! Let me know what's on your mind!!
> 
> Cheers!!


	22. Yeah You're My Medicine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crystal throws a party that helps all of her friends relax and feel more comfortable with deeper feelings that they're all dealing with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long one, everyone! I am sorry if it's too long, I just super enjoyed writing this one. Thank you all so much for the positive response to the last chapter! It was nice to receive all the comments especially writing something I wasn't sure about! As always, you guys are the kindest.
> 
> CW on this chapter. There are mentions of drug use (weed, which is legal here), alcohol, and vague hints of parental alcoholism - something that I somewhat already implied, but if it is more explicitly stated here so if that is something you're not comfortable with, skip to the asterisks in the middle of the story!
> 
> Thank you again for reading! I hope the chapter lives up to your expectations!!
> 
> Cheers!!

When Jan woke up on the Saturday of Crystal’s fake party, she breathed a sigh of relief. All of the days leading up to the ploy-party were full of hardcore studying for finals. Jan was desperate to prove to herself and her professors that the 45% on her last quiz was a fluke, but she also was trying to make sure that her perfectionist urges didn’t take over. She had been walking an exhausting line between making sure she would ace her finals and still being the healthiest version of herself. Her friends and Jackie were extremely supportive, despite Jackie and Jaida also having their own finals to study for. In return, Jan was happy to help Jackie and Jaida with their studies as well. Jan made the most gorgeous flashcards, so in return for Jaida and Jackie making sure that Jan slept and ate properly, she created her famous hand-made flashcards for the girls. The three women had struck a much better balance at the end of this semester, all three of them feeling confident about how the year was going to end.

But the girls were all exhausted, so Jan was ready to blow off some steam.

“I am so glad that you guys finished everything by last night,” Crystal said as she helped Jaida paint her nails. The roommates had spent the afternoon getting ready for the get-together, sharing mimosas as they gave each other manicures. Jaida and Jan had sworn to Crystal that they would dedicate the entire Saturday to hanging out and having fun, and they both had upheld their word – completing everything that they intended to by Friday night.

“I’m glad that you made us promise to dedicate the whole day to relaxation,” Jaida said, offering a smile to both Jan and Crystal. If Jaida had any inkling that the party was designed specifically to get her to confess her feelings to Nicky, she didn’t make that inkling known. “You were right. We need some time off from school. We _all_ need a break.”

“Yeah, we really do,” Jan agreed. As the end of the semester approached, Crystal was also feeling the pressure. Her clerical workload in the library had grown exponentially leading up to exams. All University employees had tremendous workloads at the end of any semester, so Crystal, Nicky, and Gigi needed a break just as much as their med-student counterparts.

“Life is always chaos this time of year, that’s why I wanted to spend a night drinking our troubles away,” Crystal said with a laugh.

“Why didn’t we go all out? Throw the bash of the semester? Not that I’m not excited to drink wine with the girls,” Jaida asked. Quickly, Jan and Crystal exchanged glances. They had planned out everything for the night – except for an excuse as to why they’d planned out everything for the night.

“I mean, who else would you really want to hang out with?” Crystal said awkwardly.

“Fair enough,” Jaida said with a shrug. “It’ll be nice to see Nicky.”

“Weird that you focus on her,” Jan said with a smirk.

“You didn’t let me finish!” Jaida exclaimed a bit too forcefully. “It’ll be nice to see Nicky and Gigi and Jackie. Even though Jackie is always here, it’ll be nice to see her without a book in her hands. That’s what I was going to say before you interrupted me.”

“Girl, I did _not_ interrupt you. You’ve just got it bad for Nicky-Nicky!” Jan laughed.

“Not this again,” Jaida insisted with a huff.

“Jai-”

“Some of us are capable of having sex with someone without falling in love,” Jaida teased. There was no malice in her words, she was simply trying to get attention onto Jan instead.

“Yeah,” Crystal said. “Me. I’m capable of having sex with someone without falling in love. But you two are both smitten with your ladies.”

“Right,” Jaida said, rolling her eyes. “Because nobody notices that you salivate whenever you are on the schedule with Gigi.”

“I haven’t had sex with Gigi so that’s different, you big ol’ whore,” Crystal teased.

“Yet,” Jaida smirked.

Jan laughed as she exited the bedroom, allowing Jaida and Crystal to tease each other about their respective interests. Instead of engaging in the teasing, she wanted to choose an outfit that she knew would grab Jackie’s attention. Just because they’d been together long enough that she knew Jackie only had eyes for her, didn’t mean that Jan didn’t want to feed into it. It also wasn’t often that Jackie and Jan got to see each other outside of comfy clothes, scrubs, or whatever lab sanctioned coats they were assigned to wear. Jan didn’t have to try to impress Jackie, but that didn’t mean she didn’t want to.

Before the mimosa and manicures in the afternoon, Jan had snuck away to a hair salon, getting her blonde hair dyed chestnut brown. It was time for a change, and her darker eyebrows allowed her to get away with whatever hair colour she wanted. Going through her closet, Jan pulled out a few different outfits that were staples from her undergraduate days – back when she had gone out dancing frequently... before medical school had taken over.

Jan knew that Jaida was going all out on her outfit. Despite insisting that she wasn’t dressing to impress Nicky, Jaida had pulled out the faux-leather leggings that made her ass look perfect. Jan also knew that Crystal had dug out her most colourful choker-earring-bracelet set, hoping to catch the eyes of the fashionista invited to the Saturday night event. It made Jan laugh to herself, thinking of how hard they were all going for a get-together of six people. She wondered if there was just as much chaos in Jackie and Nicky’s apartment. Gigi was getting ready with Jackie and Nicky at their apartment, despite that it would have made more sense to just start hanging out earlier and all six women getting ready together. But that would have killed the allure and anticipation. And the event was all about putting on a show.

Jackie didn’t know party Jan very well. They’d met at their medical school introduction event, but until Jan had gotten Jackie alone, she had been on her best behaviour because there were colleagues and professors present. And the two girls didn’t spend much time together at the Halloween party they’d attended, choosing to Uber to some privacy as soon as Jan had gotten over her jealousy of seeing Jackie in someone else’s arms. Jackie had said that there was no iteration of Jan that she didn’t like, but party Jan was a different entity altogether. But meeting each incarnation of the person you love is one of the most exciting and fun parts of any relationship.

Jan didn’t always enjoy who she became when she was partying. Sometimes drunk Jan was too reminiscent of drunk Maria for Jan's liking – and drunk Maria was someone who played a big role in Jan’s parent’s divorce. Maria had won the battle against drunk Maria, but if you deal with a parent’s addiction and see those traits in yourself, you either try to avoid it or you become it. Jan played with substances very carefully. It was probably why Jan had been so scared to hear that Jackie was drinking alone. But Jan would have to share that side of her with Jackie at another day. Drunk Jan would be showing up that night, but matchmaker Jan was the guest that she was more focused on.

Jan loved love. She loved Jaida. She loved Nicky. It was natural for her to join in on the match game.

Instead of looking through the outfits that she had put together, Jan looked in the mirror and played with her fresh, dark curls. Her father always said that she looked more mature with dark hair, and Jan couldn’t help but agree. The first year of medical school had felt like a decade, with Jan alternating between feeling much too old and much too young all at once. As Jan stared at her face, tossing the waves of her hair over her shoulder, she admired the way her face and body looked. Thinking back to the beginning of the semester, she liked that she didn’t look as tired and that she had her fuller breasts and hips back after stress-dieting. Her cheeks were pink from the afternoon drinks and laughter. She felt like a person, which was different than she had while buried in school work. Sometimes life was like that – she got so wrapped up in what she was doing that she forgot she was alive. But the realization that she was here, alive, and a person didn’t fill Jan with existential dread. It made her smile. She had made it this far in life, even with the occasional 45% on a quiz. After flashing herself a smile and a peace sign, Jan went back to looking through her clothes. She felt alive, but Jackie would be there soon to make her feel on top of the world.

**

“Tell me something about Jackie,” Jan said, almost too loudly, to the living room full of women. The six had settled easily into boxes of cheap wine and Jaida’s playlist of ‘indie bullshit’ (as Gigi called it), making conversation and laughing loudly. The air in the apartment was positive, light, and free by the middle of the evening - once they got over the shock of seeing Jan's dark hair. Jackie would spend the rest of the night fingering and twirling the dark curls, enchanted by how beautiful her girlfriend looked. Everyone had been stressed out and tired, mentally thanking Crystal for making plans for them to drink together. And what had started as a ploy just to get Nicky and Jaida to discuss feelings became exactly what a bunch of over-worked twenty-somethings needed. When Nicky mentioned that they could have had more people or just gone to a club, Jackie interjected that getting dolled up and drunk with your closest friends was irreplaceable and sometimes downright better than any big event. Even though it was an excuse, all of the women agreed with Jackie. Nights are often about what kind of energy or vibe that could be infused into it and the laidback nature of a night with friends combined with club attire had been the vibe that everyone had needed.

“Something about Jackie?” Nicky repeated, snuggled up on the couch with Jaida holding her, and tracking her hand up and down her thigh. From the moment that Nicky had arrived, the two women were inseparable, hands all over each other. To not seem too smitten, they both still tried to engage in the general conversation of the room.

“Yeah, something about Jackie.”

“What do you want to know?” Jackie asked tentatively. Jan had sprawled out on top of Gigi and Crystal, drunkenly oblivious to the fact that the girls would have preferred for Jan to sit somewhere else. Jackie had chosen to sit on the floor facing Gigi and Crystal, reading the signals that they wanted to sit peacefully together, but not able to articulate it to Jan.

“When you start dating,” Jan began. “Couples share the big things. The bad things. The trauma things. But I want the dirt!”

“If you want to gossip about Jackie, Nicky-Nicky and I have that in spades,” Gigi said mischievously. Her plans to flirt with Crystal were being Jan-blocked, so teasing her best friend was the next-best thing she could be doing with her time that night.

“No, you don’t! I don’t have many good stories,” Jackie said, anxiously.

“We all have embarrassing stories!” Crystal said, excitedly dismissing Jackie’s concerns. “Just a few weeks ago I knocked over a Clinique skincare display at the mall! We all do embarrassing shit that our friends know. It’s only fair to air those things!”

“You knocked over a Clinique display?” Gigi asked, laughing harder than sober Gigi normally would. “Recently?”

“Girl,” Jaida laughed with a snort. “I wish you all had been there. We were talking and Crys was distracted. Boom. Right into the fucking display. At least she didn’t break anything.”

“Thank fuck, because I sure wasn’t going to pay for any of those things,” Crystal laughed, winking at Gigi, who laughed harder than anyone else. Jackie let herself smile and laugh, despite knowing that hypocritically, she didn’t want her friends to share anything about her. A lot of the things that Jackie had shared with Jan had happened because they had to – Jackie didn’t get a lot of control about what she had shared with Jan. And even if it was drunken, well-meaning, silliness, Jackie still felt uncomfortable with someone else sharing things about her with Jan.

“Well, Crystal is a bit of a walking disaster,” Jan admitted, drying her laughter-tear covered eyes as she reminisced about the mall display incident.

“I imagine you have the most embarrassing stories here,” Gigi said with a flirty smile.

“You have no idea, I could tell you all about my chaos some time,” Crystal said, returning Gigi’s flirty smile. Jackie rolled her eyes at Jan’s obliviousness and motioned for Jan to join her sitting on the floor. Jan shook her head until Jackie grabbed a blanket and gestured to her own leg. Smiling, Jan scrambled down to the floor, laying her head on Jackie’s leg, letting her girlfriend drape a blanket over her. Jan had picked a particularly sexy pair of jeans and crop top to wear that turned into joggers and a tee as soon as her blood alcohol content got high. Gigi shot Jackie a grateful smile, to which Jackie offered a wink. In her own quiet way, Jackie was happy to be helping other useless women hook up.

“I know about your chaos,” Jan whined, oblivious to the fact that Crystal wasn’t talking to her. “I want to know about Jackie’s chaos!”

“I mean, you were Jackie’s biggest chaos and secret for a while,” Nicky teased.

“Oh child, when I first met you,” Jaida lamented to Jackie, with a tone that was both teasing and frightening.

“I was well aware,” Jackie said with a laugh. “I thought you were going to kick my ass.”

“I wanted to!” Jaida exclaimed, letting the frightening tone disappear from her voice. After Jan had insisted that Jackie and Jaida get to know each other, the two became fast friends. But that didn’t erase the fear Jackie felt when she introduced herself to Jan’s roommates for the first time.

“Didn’t Crystal threaten to kill you?” Jan snorted.

“I would do it again! Nobody hurts baby!” Crystal screeched, making all of the girls in the room burst into a fit of laughter. The atmosphere the women had created and the friendships that had all grown were signs to Jackie that she was a different person from the woman who slept with Jan for the first time. She felt confident and more peaceful with her sexuality, and she had new friends to show for it. The changes were invaluable for Jackie.

“I felt so loved, I’m not going to lie,” Jan said with a smile.

“I’m glad you felt loved! I felt like I was going to be sick!” Jackie laughed.

“Jackie’s right though, all of her struggles are well documented!” Nicky interjected. “Especially this year. All of her embarrassing stories, we know them.”

“It doesn’t have to be embarrassing, I just want to know something that I don’t know about her. Tell me something I don’t know about all of you, then!” Jan insisted.

“Actually, that sounds fun!” Crystal said with a smile. She immediately thought that maybe it was an opportunity for Nicky or Jaida to share something – it was the whole reason for the party in general. Drunk Jan had landed on a really good idea.

“Stating one fact about ourselves? Girl, is this a wine night or a grade-eleven English class on day one?” Jaida said with a laugh.

“Scared to share something about yourself, Jai?” Nicky teased, with a flirty and seductive tone in her voice. Jaida looked into Nicky’s eyes and gave the girl a smirk, ushering in her competitive side. “That’s what I thought. Why don’t you go first Jai? Tell us something embarrassing. Or interesting. Give us that grade-eleven realness you promised.”

“Wait!” Gigi exclaimed. “What if instead, we give one fun fact about someone else?”

“Oh god,” Jackie cringed into her glass of wine. She had almost gotten away from her anxiety of letting someone else expose her, but Gigi’s suggestion - that everyone loved – had put her back into the awkward position of having no control over what Jan knew about her. Even the cheap rose that Crystal had supplied couldn’t get anxious and angry Jackie on board with the game.

“I love this!” Jan squeaked as she sat up from Jackie’s lap, flinging the blanket off of her.

“I’ll go first,” Gigi said, eyes wide, as she gave Jackie a taunting look. 

“Tread lightly, _Georgina_ ,” Jackie said, giving Gigi the same taunting look.

“Georgina?” Crystal repeated, with her mouth wide open in shock and joy. “No way. That is not what Gigi is short for. No way!”

“Shut up!” Gigi laughed, swatting Crystal and tossing a pillow at Jackie.

“Don’t let Crystal make you feel bad, Georgina,” Jaida teased. “Crystal is so scared of needles that she fainted once when she saw her brother get an injection.”

“You fainted seeing him get a needle?” Nicky gasped. “Oh, mon dieu, no wonder you’re not in the medical school crew!”

“She also insisted that she didn’t faint,” Jan added. “She told the doctors that she had spontaneously fallen asleep because she had been working late at her restaurant job. Didn’t want the doctor to think that she was a scaredy-cat.”

“You have tattoos!” Gigi exclaimed. “How can you be scared of needles?”

“They’re telling the story wrong,” Crystal slurred after taking a big swing of her wine. She was just drunk enough to indulge her friends and share the details of an embarrassing moment. “I am not scared of _needles_ ; I am scared of bloodwork! My brother was getting blood drawn when I fell asleep spontaneously. It wasn’t an injection. Those don’t bother me! And tattoos don’t bug me. Only bloodwork bugs me. My blood is supposed to be _in_ my body. If it was meant to be outside of it, it would look less creepy when it’s getting stolen from me, thank you very much!”

“Well, when you put it that way! That’s a good reason to spontaneously sleep then,” Jackie teased, earning a middle finger up from Crystal.

“Such a baby about medical procedures,” Jaida laughed.

“Tough talk from the woman who sobbed while listening to ABBA’s greatest hits the first time she ever got high,” Crystal said, raising her eyebrows at Jaida, who gasped.

“Stop!” Nicky shrieked.

“The Winner Takes It All really put me in my feelings!” Jaida said, covering her face.

“Jai was sixteen at the time,” Jan said, completing the story for Crystal. “So clearly, she was _so_ experienced in the pain that ABBA was singing about.”

“I was high and dramatic!” Jaida justified.

“That’s actually adorable though, Jaida,” Gigi said with a laugh. Jackie agreed forcefully. She didn’t think that feeling moved by any music was a weakness, especially one of the best break-up songs of all time. It was a song that transcended age, so it was emotional enough for even young-teen-Jaida to feel the pain just by proximity, in Jackie’s opinion.

“Jan wet her pants at her first soccer game,” Crystal exclaimed, earning a horrified gasp from Jan and a chorus of laughter from everyone else in the room. The fun revelations were making Jackie a lot less anxious about what her friends might share. Everyone being forced to relive their most embarrassing moments made her feel a lot more comfortable, and less attacked.

“I was four!”

“Most people are potty trained well before age four, Janice,” Nicky teased.

“I was potty trained, thank you very much!” Jan huffed. “I scored a goal. I had to pee! I was excited! It was an accident!”

“You have such golden retriever energy,” Gigi laughed. “Full of so much joy at the idea of playing with a ball that you accidentally pee.”

“Oh, eat me, _Georgina_ ,” Jan said, sticking her tongue out at Gigi. 

“I would, but then going back to Jackie might be a letdown for you,” Gigi said, blowing a sarcastic kiss in Jackie and Jan’s general direction. Jan stuck her tongue out at Gigi for the second time and Jackie rolled her eyes. “Besides, Nicky has the best embarrassing story of anyone here, bar none.”

“Oh, do I?” Nicky said, a little panic evident in her voice.

“Buzz buzz,” Gigi said teasingly, causing Jackie to snort laughing.

“Is this some vibrator thing?” Jan asked, making Gigi and Jackie laugh harder.

“Worse!” Jackie exclaimed.

“Nicky crashed her mom’s car into her dad’s _parked_ car in her parent’s driveway,” Gigi said, trying to get the story before her laughter took over and made her unable to speak. “Because there was a fly in the car.”

“I thought it was a bee,” Nicky explained sadly while still laughing about the story.

“You crashed into a parked car? In your own driveway? Because a fly got into the car?” Jaida said through her fit of laughter.

“I _thought_ it was a bee!” Nicky repeated, poking Jackie’s rips to punctuate each word.

“That’s my favourite story,” Jackie yelped, trying to catch her breath after laughing so hard at everyone else’s expense.

“Jackie’s favourite genre of music isn’t classical or indie pop or whatever she told you it was,” Nicky said while she raised her eyebrows at Jackie.

“She told me she likes classical and show tunes!” Jan said forcefully, yet quizzically at Jackie.

“She definitely listens to those,” Gigi said with her classic mischievous smile. “But she also doesn’t want people to not think she is serious and boring.”

“People wouldn’t think she was as stuffy and perfect if she told you she had an affinity for gangster rap!” Nicky teased. It wasn’t as damning as anyone else’s secrets, but it didn’t stop Jackie from letting out a shocked sound. There weren’t many embarrassing secrets or quirks that she hid, but Jackie’s love of hip-hop was something she didn’t often advertise – partially because she had to hide it from her parents, but partially because Gigi and Nicky were right, she did like to maintain her image. But the supportive laughs and 'woops' from Jan, Jaida and Crystal showed Jackie that she really didn’t need to maintain her image among her friends. It wasn’t often that she felt comfortable letting her guard down, but the anxiety that Jackie had felt about being exposed was gone completely.

“I never would have pictured it!” Jaida laughed.

“We have to take Jackie to karaoke and get her drunk,” Nicky said while raising and lowering her eyebrows suggestively.

“What’s her song?” Crystal asked, excitedly.

“I’ve seen her do an incredible Shoop by the incomparable Salt N Peppa,” Gigi said. “But I’m particularly partial to her rendition of I’ve Got 5 On It by Luniz.”

“Fucking bitch!” Jackie laughed into a recently refreshed glass of wine.

“See!” Jan exclaimed happily. “This is exactly what I was hoping for.”

“Let me make this atmosphere a bit more Jackie friendly, then,” Jaida said, switching from her playlist of Hozier, Lana Del Rey, Clairo, and Joanna Newsom to one full of nineties and aughts popular hip-hop. Instead of fighting and going against the teasing of her friends, the wine and comfort provided by the women around her lead Jackie into using her wine glass like a microphone while putting on a show. Jan screamed with excitement and the other girls cheered as she let out a flawless rendition of I’ve Got 5 on It, only missing the slurs and not missing a single beat. Jackie felt good being the centre of attention, and it wasn’t just the wine. It was the way her friends made her feel so safe and secure. Nobody teased her about her interests. They didn’t laugh about the revelation the way they laughed about other secrets. It was because they had deemed that Jackie being herself was not the same as Jan wetting herself at a soccer game. They let Jackie be herself.

The feeling that everyone wanted her to be authentic was one that Jackie would never get tired of. The feeling that she didn’t have to constantly be on guard or lie about what mattered to her was still new as she ended her first semester of medical school, but it was one that she was becoming so comfortable with. Jackie was especially comfortable with the way Jan cheered her on, even if she looked silly.

As she took requests for the next song she would rap for her captive audience (Gigi requested Dead Wrong by Biggie Smalls, another one that Jackie knew word for word), Jackie noticed that instead of feeling around for each other desperately and sensually, Jaida and Nicky had switched to holding hands. Maybe they’d exchanged words. Maybe they’d admitted to their growing feelings. Or maybe they’d just realized that there were things that were more embarrassing than being vulnerable. Regardless though, Jackie exchanged a look with Crystal, letting her know that she thought that the night was a success no matter what happened next. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is it! I know it's long, so I'm sorry!! I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Leave a comment! Leave a review! Let me know how you're feeling about everything! I am probably going to jump into the girls' summer lab placement for the next chapter, so I hope that's something you're into reading!!!!
> 
> Cheers!


	23. I Wanna Marry You, I Adore You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jan and Jackie start their volunteer placement in a neuroscience lab and it doesn't go as either woman planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't apologize enough for my absence. As I said in my other work, I won't go on about why I've been gone and how weird my life has been. Because that doesn't matter now. I'm here and I've got stories to tell!
> 
> MASSIVE CW for the whole chapter. Sexual harassment, panic attacks and suicide are mentioned and discussed. Suicide isn't detailed no attempts are made but it is referenced. The other two are talked about more explicitly. Nothing E rated or anything like that but please be aware!
> 
> Back to my angsty ways and projecting my own issues on to characters! I've been gone a while but I haven't changed haha!
> 
> Anyways! You have all waited long enough!
> 
> Cheers!!!!

Jackie nervously alternated between having her dark curls cascading around her face, and trying to manage the curls into a ponytail. It was the first day of her summer volunteer placement in the school's neuroscience lab, and she was struggling to present to herself as a competent medical professional. Instead, she felt like a child playing doctor. Gigi and Nicky had helped her press a few pairs of trousers and blouses to give her an air of professionalism, and Jackie was competent enough to put a soft face of makeup on. As she studied herself in her favourite black blouse and a pair of black trousers, Jackie couldn't shake the feeling that this was some sort of cosplay or costume. There was no way she was a grown woman, looking at brain scans, looking at the human brain, trying to map out increased neural activity in people with anxiety. This wasn't her first experience in a lab or her first volunteer placement, but this felt very different for Jackie. It was a professor she would encounter throughout her medical school journey, at the school that held the possibility of her becoming a doctor. She wasn't a bright eyed eighteen year old organizing files for a kind general practitioner in order to get some good recommendation letters. This was networking for her career. This made her nervous.

Not to mention that Jan would be there. Ever kind, yet ever competitive Jan, ready to prove her worth. The joy of being with Jan and the excitement of competing with her was usually something that Jackie valued, but on the first day of an experience she was already nervous about, it was just something else to worry about. 

As she dwelled over how to wear her hair, Jackie heard her phone vibrate, indicating that her girlfriend was there to pick her up. Frustrated and anxious, Jackie finally put her hair in the tightest ponytail that she could muster and hurried out to Jan's car. It was no surprise to Jackie that Jan looked perfect in her professional attire. She had an eggplant pencil skirt that reached down below her knees, and a crisp white blouse. Jan had opted for black shiny heels whereas Jackie chose simple ballet flats. Jan's hair was in a smooth bun, and she surprised Jackie by opting to wear her glasses.

"Doctor Cox," Jan said with a smile. "Might I say you look incredibly hot today."

"Oh stop," Jackie scoffed as she entered the car and fumbled to put her seatbelt on. As much as she loved Jan, she always had to make sure her seatbelt was on and locked in place. To Jan, the speed limit was a mere suggestion to be ignored. 

"Your ass in those pants. Baby, how am I supposed to focus on brain scans?" Jan said, her flirty lilt present in her voice.

"Only you could be horny about business clothes at seven thirty in the morning," Jackie said, blushing deeply.

"Only your ass could get me this horny at seven thirty in the morning," Jan said with a smirk.

"You look great, Jan," Jackie said, trying to change the conversation before Jan had her pressing her thighs together desperately. 

"Oh thanks!" Jan gushed. "The skirt is Jaida's. I don't have a ton of businessy clothes. I'm going to have to grab a few staple pieces this weekend, so for now I have this skirt and a few things I borrowed."

"It looks great on you," Jackie knew she was repeating herself, but it was true. "I'm surprised you chose to wear your glasses."

"Crystal said they made me more studious and bookish," Jan said with a laugh. Usually her glasses were reserved for weekends, studying, or if she was feeling off. "I was nervous about the whole thing so I took hers and Jaida's suggestions."

"I like your glasses," Jackie said. "And don't worry, I'm pretty nervous too."

"Not that I'm glad you're nervous but I'm glad you get me. I mean, I've volunteered at a dentist office and did clerical work for that OB/GYN in Hamilton but this is on a whole other level." Jan explained herself and Jackie nodded enthusiastically. 

"I've been worrying about the exact same thing!" Jackie exclaimed. "This is us, potential doctors, putting ourselves out there with professors and technicians and real people. This isn't grabbing coffees for people and watching the nurses take people's blood pressure! I know we are mostly just taking notes and putting data in but like! Very scary!" 

"We're such a good couple, we finish each other's anxieties!" Jan laughed, taking Jackie's hand and squeezing it. The gesture and the shared anxiety would have made Jackie feel a lot more comfortable had they not been going 85 km/h in a 50 km/h zone.

**

As much as she hated to admit it, Jackie was getting used to beating Jan in their internal competition. Two semesters in a row of being top of the class had Jackie pretty confident in her abilities. Not that she intended to slow down or not try as hard, but Jackie had more or less accepted her place as the best. She had yet to fail a test, all the professors were impressed with her, things were extremely difficult, but Jackie was becoming used to succeeding.

Which made it extra difficult to swallow when she realized that Jan was going to get a lot more out of their placement than Jackie would. 

Jackie had spent the whole first day battling back and forth with Jan, but as the day ended and as they made their way through the rest of the week, she realized the battle was useless. She fought desperately to maintain a friendly competitive spirit with her girlfriend, but it was hard to do because Jan was just  _ getting it  _ in a way Jackie and the other volunteers weren't. Despite admitting that neuroscience was one of Jan's weakest subjects, Jan had an easier time retaining the professor's information than Jackie. Jan was effortlessly charming, meaning that everyone who worked in the lab was endeared by her. Her notes were clearer than anyone else's, she inputted data faster and more accurately than anyone else, and she seemed more liked than any of the other student volunteers. The professor and his team even let Jan start sitting in on initial debriefing and information sessions with the study participants within their first week. 

And it was becoming hard for Jackie to keep the competitive spirit going.

She wasn't upset with Jan - a fact that her roommates celebrated as a sign of emotional maturity. Jackie was just upset that she wasn't the star pupil. When she had been top of the class, Jackie could imagine how Jan felt, but now she officially knew. There was nothing that Jan could do anymore that there was anything Jackie could have done when she was top of the class. And no matter how jealous she was, she was still proud of Jan - another thing that her roommates celebrated. Even though things were weird, Jackie was happy for Jan's success and to still excited be taking part in such exciting research. She just had to learn to do it from the second place position. And thankfully, she knew her girlfriend would support her no matter what.

**

The last day of her first week volunteering in the lab had finished, but Jan had stayed behind. One of the medical technicians had asked her to help sort out a few clerical errors, and Jackie had to tutor at the learning Commons that night anyway, so she didn't worry about driving Jackie home. She was wary of staying late, as this tech seemed to check out Jan sometimes, but Jan was also excited to be asked to help out after hours. It was no secret that she was the student volunteer that was doing the best, and Jan loved that reputation. She now officially understood the mixed emotions Jackie felt about being top of the class, but she knew that it was something they would be able to talk out. For that moment, she was allowing herself to just be excited to be number one.

"Thank you again for staying and helping out, Janice," the technician said from behind a computer. He peered over at Jan and offered her a small smile. Stephen wasn't one of Jan's favourite people to work with, but he seemed competent enough. He had a good rapport with the lab team, his data was always accurate, but Jan didn't appreciate the way he seemed to always be looking at her. 

"Oh, it's no trouble at all, Stephen," Jan said, looking up from a stack of papers.

"It's nice to have someone here with me. I'm usually here alone doing these last minute things on Friday nights," Stephen explained.

"Happy to help!" 

"You've done really well this week. Everyone is super impressed. Even the big doc himself," Stephen said with a smile. 

"Well thank you! I'm definitely loving it here so far." She returned his smile and expected their conversation to end, but Stephen got up from his seat to come sit beside Jan.

"Not a lot of students come in here with as much drive as you," he said. 

"I find that hard to believe," Jan said with a small chuckle. "I'm sure every student who walks in here is driven! This is a state of the art lab with limitless opportunities. People would be foolish to come in here and not do their best."

"And you said that without a hint of irony," Stephen laughed. "Tell me, are you always this terminally delightful?"

"Just excited to be here." Jan tried to turn her attention to the work in front of her, but she had a hard time focusing with Stephen sitting beside her. Without meeting his eye or even looking in his direction, Jan knew he wasn't looking at the paperwork. Her skin flushed with embarrassment as she tried to ignore the way Stephen's eyes burned.

"You really are out-shining everyone else here, Janice. The whole team thinks so," Stephen said, not taking his eyes off of Jan.

"I'm just finding my niche. The other students are all lovely, but this is new for everyone. Everyone will get there. Although, I do appreciate that the team is noticing my work ethic and how much I am enjoying my work here." Jan internally prayed that the conversation would end there, but Stephen repositioned himself to read over Jan's shoulder. His eyes wandered to the small peek of cleavage from her black button down blouse.

"You're fitting in better than the other volunteers," Stephen said, still obviously looking down Jan's blouse. "I think there is something special about you Janice."

"Mmm." Jan couldn't think of anything to say. Every alarm bell in her brain was ringing, but she couldn't convince her mouth to form a single word.

"You're just the addition to the team I was hoping for, Janice. A very smart, beautiful girl," he cooed, his breath on Jan's neck. She shuddered, but Stephen didn't seem to notice. 

"Thank you, Stephen," Jan mumbled. Internally, Jan was screaming. All she wanted to do was push him away, call him a pervert, and maybe deck him in the mouth. But something paralyzed her. Jan was scared.

"I think we're all caught up on everything. What do you say I take you out for a drink to thank you for helping out?" Stephen put his hand on Jan's shoulder and started to squeeze. The action made Jan's skin crawl after the way he had been staring and invading her space. 

"Thank you for the offer, Stephen, but I don't think that would be appropriate," Jan said, politely and cautiously. The position Stephen was putting her in made Jan start to feel sick. Even though she had only been in the lab a week, Jan was enjoying the experience and she knew that this rejection was going to have some sort of consequence. She could feel her heart break as she wondered if this was going to cost her a prestigious opportunity. 

"Nonsense," Stephen scoffed as he pulled Jan's chair out for her. "We are just going to celebrate a successful first week. Nothing inappropriate about that at all. I bet you're so much fun, Janice. Come have fun with me."

"I don't think it would be fair to the other students," Jan said as she stood up and made her way to the closet that held her purse. It was the first and only excuse she could think of. Quickly, she yanked her purse onto her shoulder without removing her lab coat, and made her way to the door. Unfortunately yet expectedly, Stephen met Jan at the exit.

"It'll be our little secret," Stephen said, taking Jan's hand in his. "Come on Janice, let's go for a drink."

"No, Stephen, really. I can't," Jan said as sternly as she could muster, feeling as though she would burst into tears at any moment. She took her hand back from Stephen, but he less than subtly positioned himself directly in front of the door. The only way out was through him. Was he going to get her let go if she said no? Was he going to do this whenever they were alone together? Was he going to do something worse? Would this be all she could think about whenever she was in the lab? Could she ever go back to the lab after this? Jan didn't know. And she tried not to care. She could worry about the fallout later. She just needed to go home.

"I'm not going to beg, Janice. Come for a drink with me."

"I don't-"

"It's one drink," Stephen said, with irritation becoming obvious in his voice. It was exactly what Jan had worried about. He was getting mad and they were alone together. He was getting mad and he could get her removed from the lab. He was getting mad and she wasn't sure what to do.

"I don't think it's a good idea," Jan said, feeling her eyes begin to sting. Tears were threatening to fall, but Jan couldn't cry there. She couldn't cry in front of him.

"It's not like I do this for every student that comes in and out of this lab," Stephen explained, as if that was supposed to ease Jan's worries. "I don't just take out every hot chick who volunteers. This is about you, Janice. There's something special about you. I think we would have a lot of fun together."

"It's getting late. My roommates are waiting for me. They're probably wondering where I am already." Jan lied, aggressively grabbing the door handle and lightly shoving Stephen out of the way. He held up his hands defensively, pretending as though he wasn't in the middle of physically blocking her from leaving.

"Okay baby, another time then," he said with a smirk, rubbing the back of his hands on Jan's cheek. Without saying anything else, Jan made her way out of the lab. Once she was out of the building, she kicked her heels into her hand and sprinted from the building to her car. She didn't care that her feet were bare, scraping against stones on the pavement. She didn't care that the tears that were trying to fall earlier were finally falling. She didn't care that she looked foolish, still wearing her lab coat over her outfit. All Jan could think about was how happy she was that she had chosen to wear trousers that day. 

When Jan finally got into her car, she collapsed onto the steering wheel, sobbing uncontrollably. She felt like she was going to have a panic attack. Unable to control herself, she swore to herself loudly as she laid her head on the wheel. 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" She cried. 

Suddenly, there was a knock on the passenger side window of Jan's car. Nearly jumping out of her skin, Jan whipped her head around to see Gigi looking very concerned. Quickly, Jan wiped her face on her lab coat and rolled her window down. Jan shook uncontrollably as she tried to feign some kind of smile at Gigi.

"Hi Geege," Jan managed to squeak.

"I saw your car was still here. I know Jack was out of lab a while ago. I came to see if you were okay." Gigi said uneasily.

"I'm okay!" Jan screeched, accidently allowing fresh, hot tears to spring from her eyes.

"Can I come in?" Gigi asked. Jan took a few deep breaths before letting Gigi into her car. The two had gotten along very well and Jan considered Gigi a friend, but they weren't especially close. They bonded mostly over their individual affections for Jackie and Crystal. Regardless, Gigi got in the car. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," Jan shook her head.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" Gigi asked.

"What?"

"I was going to go hang out with Crystal anyway. And Nicky was gonna drop me off on her way to pick up Jaida. I think they're going to a movie or something. But I can tell Nicky I'm with you. And that I don't need a ride." Gigi explained.

"You want to drive me home?"

"Well I mean you're a wild fucking driver when you're not freaking out," Gigi said dryly. Jan let out a powerful laugh as she dried her eyes for the hundredth time. 

"You don't mind?" Jan asked, already opening the door to head to the passenger's side of the car.

"I wouldn't have offered if I minded," Gigi said easily. The girls switched seats without another word. Before they drove, Gigi called Nicky to let her know about the change of plans. Jan offered her a weak smile as the conversation ended and they started to leave the parking lot.

"I don't do upset," Gigi said as they drove.

"I'm sorry?" Jan asked.

"This. Messy emotions. That's like, Jackie's thing. Or Nicky. They are better at having big emotions and they're better at dealing with other people and their big emotions. I usually make a joke or make things awkward. But it doesn't mean that I don't care. Or that I don't see it. Does that make sense?" Gigi asked.

"I guess?"

"You said you don't want to talk about it. So I'm not going to talk about it. But I don't want you to think I'm doing it to be bitchy." Gigi offered Jan a small, but very earnest smile.

"Noted," Jan said with a similar small smile and a nod.

"So I intend to sit in silence with you for the rest of the ride. Okay?" Gigi asked.

"That's exactly what I was hoping for," Jan said with a sigh. True to her word, Gigi didn't say anything else. She was silent for the rest of the drive. She was silent as she parked Jan's car. She was silent as they walked up to Jan's apartment together. She didn't say another word until she saw Crystal. And by then, the very grateful Jan was already locking herself in her bedroom, ready to fall apart and wonder what the fuck she was going to do.

**

Gigi walked into Nicky and Jackie's apartment the following Sunday night to have supper with the two girls. They hadn't spent much time together that week since their schedules had changed and flipped around when the summer started, so they wanted to make sure they would have time together. 

"How's it going?" Gigi asked, excited to have some time with her girls before the drudgery of the week began again. Nicky was the only one in the living room so Gigi quickly hurried over to sit far too close to her friend. "How was your date with Jaida?"

"Oh, girl," Nicky said, happily while her cheeks turned a bright shade of pink.

"You sluts," Gigi teased. 

"I can't help it! I'm obsessed!" Nicky said with a huge smile. Gigi loved seeing her friend so smitten. In her humble opinion, Nicky deserved the best, so it was nice to see Jaida make her so happy. "And it's not just the sexy bits, Gigi. She is so brilliant. We saw an arthouse film. An arthouse film! For fun!"

"She  _ is _ practically a doctor," Gigi teased.

"But she still is so silly. I haven't been this excited about someone since… ever, now that I think about it!"

"Disgusting!" Gigi exclaimed.

"Isn't it?" Nicky laughed. 

"Where's Jack? Did she get up to anything fun?" Gigi asked. 

"She's in the kitchen. She's experimenting with one of her mother's recipes," Nicky said. Gigi looked at her surprised but Nicky shrugged. "She said she was feeling nostalgic. Said not to worry, she just missed her mom's cooking. But she has been weird this weekend."

"Weird how?"

"She didn't see Jan at all this weekend, so she was a bit mopey," Nicky said. 

"At all?" 

"Nope. Jan said she was sick and didn't want any visitors. Jackie tried to be anxious about it but Jaida said that she and Crystal also hadn't seen Jan all weekend. She was locked up in her room. Must have been very bad for Jan to want to be alone, no?" Nicky explained. Gigi felt sick when she heard that, remembering the panicked Jan that she had driven home two days ago. Instead of sharing what happened with anyone, Gigi had resolved to keep the situation to herself. It was an attempt to not embarrass Jan that Gigi had thought was the right thing to do. But everything changed so quickly and now Gigi wasn't so sure.

"Nicky, on Friday when Jan and I went home together, Jan was freaking the fuck out. I found her in her car sobbing. Like I thought she was going to puke she was crying so hard. I ended up driving her car," Gigi admitted. Nicky looked at her shocked.

"Did you talk about it?"

"Like why she was crying? No. She didn't want to and I didn't want to push her." Gigi explained.

"Did you tell Jackie? Or her roommates?"

"I didn't want to embarrass her, and I didn't want to share her business with everyone, you know?" Gigi said sheepishly. Deep down, she knew that whatever Jan was going through wasn't her fat, but Gigi still felt bad about the situation.

"Oh god, we have to talk to Jackie," Nicky said, jumping off the couch as she pulled Gigi to the kitchen. As they approached, they could smell all sorts of different smells that made their mouths water. Nicky opened the door to see Jackie standing at the stove, singing along to an Eminem song as she cooked. 

"Gigi! I didn't hear you come in," Jackie said with a soft smile as her friends entered the kitchen. "I'm messing around with some of my mom's recipes, and I must say, I think I've made some drastic improvements!"

"Jacks, I saw Jan on Friday and she was a fucking wreck," Gigi admitted. She felt bad enough not telling Jackie about the whole thing earlier, so she decided to just cut to the chase.

"A fucking wreck?" Jackie repeated. "What does that mean? A fucking wreck?"

"She was in her car, in her usual parking spot. It was way after you had finished your day at the lab so I was surprised that Jan's car was still there. Then I remembered you had to tutor, so I was like, fine, but then I was wondering why Jan was still there," Gigi began.

"She got asked to stay late. Every Friday before the weekend, some of the techs go over the data for the week and one of them asked Jan to help," Jackie explained tentatively. 

"Right okay, so I went over to Jan's car cause I realized someone was in the car. And it was Jan obviously. But she was on the brink of a panic attack or something," Gigi said as Jackie's eyes widened in surprise.

"What?"

"Yeah, I ended up driving her car to her house because she couldn't stop sobbing. It was bad. But she was pretty insistent on not talking about it, so I didn't press the issue. And I mean I probably should have said something but I didn't think it was my place. And I didn't want to make her feel self conscious or break her trust or embarrass her or anything. I'm so sorry, Jack." Gigi was rambling, trying to make sure Jackie understood her choice and wasn't too upset with her.

"No," Jackie said while shaking her head. "That makes sense. You didn't want to break her trust."

"Yes, exactly. But as soon as Nicky told me that she was sick all weekend I got super worried. If she isn't seeing her roommates or seeing you, I'm really worried." Gigi was still feeling sick about the situation, but she was glad that Jackie wasn't angry.

"Should we go over?" Nicky asked. 

"I can call Crystal to see if she can go check on Jan," Gigi said, running to the other room to retrieve her cell phone.

"I don't like that nobody has seen her," Jackie said, feeling herself start to panic. "I mean, they've heard her and stuff, right? She's...she's alive right? Fuck, when was the last time I texted her? I just wanted to give her space if she wanted-"

"Jacqueline, calm down," Nicky said sternly. "You've talked to her. Jaida has. Crystal has. She's alive. Please don't think like that."

"But what if-"

"No what if. Something is going on but Jacqueline, she is alive. She is okay. We just need to find out what hurt her little heart. Remember last time she freaked out because of stress and stuff, no?" Nicky said, trying to calm Jackie down a bit.

"I need to go over there," Jackie said, running to get her purse.

"I'll drive," Nicky said. As the girls made their way to the door, Gigi caught up with them.

"Crystal said she's still locked up in her room. They offered her food and water and she said no thank you. So she's not okay, but she's okay," Gigi explained. Gigi knew exactly what Jackie would be thinking and wanted to make sure that dark thought was out of Jackie's mind.

"We're heading over now. I made sure the oven and stuff are all turned off," Nicky said as Jackie burst out of the house. 

"Okay, I'll come," Gigi said.

"We aren't going to stay or anything," Nicky said.

"I feel so bad Nick," Gigi admitted.

"Well then let's make sure Jacqueline gets to her lady," Nicky said with a nod.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New conflicts! Next two chapters already drafted! An actual schedule set up for updates! Here we go!
> 
> Please let me know what you're thinking! Leave a comment! Leave a review! Drop by and say howdy!!! Thank you all so much for reading and putting up with 2 overly extended absences.
> 
> Cheers!!!!


	24. That's All I Have to Say, Bye-Bye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jan opens up to Jackie. Jan opens up to Gigi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kids, we have a schedule! We have an update! We have a few chapters even mapped out and the next one even started. Who is she!!!
> 
> Thank you all for welcoming me back so warmly and for the incredible feedback as always. I just want to keep sharing all the time. I am so excited. Thank you all so much!
> 
> So many CWs for this chapter. Mentions of suicide, panic attacks, sexual assault, and implications of rape. Please be careful with this one. 
> 
> Anyway, here it is!!
> 
> Cheers!

It felt like Jan had been in her bed for four weeks and four minutes simultaneously. Wallowing in bed had a surreal effect on time that made it pass too fast and too slow at the same time. Usually when Jan wrapped herself up into a sadness fort, she had music or movies to keep her company, but this felt different. It felt like her blood and bones were replaced with concrete. She couldn't move her hand to reach for her laptop, not that she wanted to hear anyone speak anyway. It wasn't something she was accustomed to, but Jan was appreciating the silence. In fact, even the silence was a bit too loud for her liking. 

Friday night, all Saturday, and up until Sunday evening, Jan had stayed in bed. She only left her bed to use the washroom. The only exception being the scalding shower that she had once she returned home after her lab work on Friday. Jan stayed under the painful shower stream until her skin ached, adding to the prickly ache by scrubbing her skin raw with a purple washcloth. But other than that, Jan hadn't moved. Either Jaida or Crystal appeared in the room sporadically to offer her food or refresh her water bottle. Her appetite was non-existent, but she did appreciate her friends filling her water bottle. The last thing Jan needed was a dehydration headache on top of how miserable she was feeling. 

Jan also ignored her phone for the weekend, which she knew would cause people to worry. But she couldn't bring herself to talk to anyone. She felt too tired, too angry, and too sad. Cursory texts about feeling sick went out to her family and friends, but they all loved her too much to leave it be. Declining calls from the people she loved, Maria especially, made Jan feel guilty. Whenever Maria called repeatedly, Jan wondered if she had relapsed or if something happened to her Nonna. However, she knew that she wouldn't be able to hold herself together if she talked to her mother, and if something terrible truly had happened, AJ or Joey would call. The idea of talking to Maria was too much. Jan had felt more than enough, and her mother's voice would ruin her all over again. And Jan's eyes were too sore to continue to cry. She just wanted to trudge forward.

Jackie was another problem entirely.

Jan knew that Jackie wouldn't take a simple text as her cue to leave Jan alone. She had to ask Crystal and Jaida to verify that she truly was ill. Jackie texted her the whole weekend to let Jan know that she was in Jackie's thoughts. Any other time, the messages would have meant a lot to Jan. But when she just wanted to be alone, Jackie's concern made her turn the vibrate function off her phone. 

As much as Jan knew that Jackie loved her, there was a growing fear in Jan's mind. The more the weekend went on, Jan had begun to wonder if Jackie was going to be mad at her for what happened with Stephen. Was she going to be mad that Jan didn't tell her what happened? Was she going to think it was pathetic that Jan locked herself in her room over  _ this _ ? Or worse. Was Jackie going to be upset that Jan didn't explicitly turn down Stephen's advances?

Every time Jan replayed the events in her head she felt more weak. She wished that she had said something. She wished that she had punched him. She wished that she told him to go fuck himself. She wished that she had gone to the learning commons to find Jackie. She wished that she had reported Stephen to any of his superiors. She wished she had called her mom. She wished she had slashed Stephen's tires for making her feel like this. But in that moment there was nothing else she was able to do. Everybody hopes that if they're put in a position of fight or flight that they'll fight. But Jan learned about the third option that day. It's not just fight or flight, because sometimes, people freeze. 

And it was unfair because Jan knew that she would be proud of anyone else in her position. If this had happened to anyone else, Jan would have told them how brave they are, how much they didn't deserve what happened, and how getting out of there was the priority. She would never judge the way someone reacted in a dangerous situation, unless that someone was herself. Consistently, she never afforded herself the luxury of love and acceptance that she offered other people.

In her borderline catatonic state, Jan hardly moved when she heard a powerful pounding on her bedroom door. If Jaida or Crystal were going to get her water, they usually tapped softly and then entered her room quickly, so the pounding should have alarmed her. But it didn't. Jan knew this moment was coming. She knew that eventually, Gigi would tell Jackie what happened and Jackie would come to see her, despite her requests to be left alone. If she was feeling less disgusting, she would have appreciated the way Gigi tried to keep her melt down between the two of them. If she was feeling less disgusting, she would have appreciated the fact that Jackie was there for her - that Jackie was  _ always  _ there for her. But instead, Jan felt angry. 

"Jan, it's Jackie, please open the door," her girlfriend demanded from the opposite side of the door. Jan didn't answer.

"Baby," Jaida called. Again, Jan ignored what was happening outside her door. She wasn't naive enough to believe that if she ignored them, Jaida and Jackie would go away. But she was still disinterested in speaking with them. Internally, Jan knew that her anger wasn't justified. However, she remained quiet.

"Jan, come on, you need to say something," Jackie said, panic brewing in her throat. Jan fought off the twinge of guilt that appeared when she heard how nervous Jackie sounded. She didn't want anyone to worry, but she did want to be alone, so she still couldn't answer. 

"Everyone is worried about you," Jaida said as one of them knocked on her door. "Jackie is going to come in, okay?"

"I asked you all to leave me alone," Jan spat out angrily. She couldn't see Jaida or Jackie, but she could picture the looks of horror on their faces. Her voice cracked as she spoke as it was one of the first times she had spoken all weekend.

"Yeah, that's why we're worried," Jaida said softly.

"Here's an idea," Jan yelled out, already knowing that she was being unfair. "How about one fucking person respects my boundaries this weekend? How about when I say to leave me alone, you leave me alone?"

"Jan, what are you talking about?" Jaida said. "You've been alone for days. Everyone is respecting you. We need to make sure you're okay. This is because we love you. Jackie's coming in."

"Whatever," Jan huffed, burying herself in her duvet. It wasn't as though she wasn't aware she was being hateful for no reason. Jan just wanted to be alone. After hearing Jackie and Jaida whispering to themselves for a few seconds, Jan heard the door open. Silently, Jackie walked into the bedroom. Without looking up from her sadness fort, she could hear Jackie unzip whatever shorts she was wearing. She heard two little thumps, indicating that Jackie had taken off whatever she was wearing.

"Hey Jan," Jackie said quietly. Jan could feel the bed compress under Jackie's weight. Quickly, Jan through the duvet off of her head. She was greeted with a bra-and-panties clad Jackie. Jackie was trying to snuggle into the bed beside Jan.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Jan snapped. This time she didn't sound angry, Jackie noticed. Jan sounded scared. 

"What?" Jackie was completely taken aback. 

"Don't touch me," Jan yelled, pushing Jackie's hands away from her. Even though she was caught off guard by the exchange, Jackie backed off immediately. 

"Jan-"

"You don't just get naked and get in bed with someone!"

"Okay, I'm sorry! I'm really sorry Jan." Jackie jumped out of the bed. She quickly rushed to grab Jan's robe from out of the closet. Slipping it on, she cautiously met Jan's eyes. Jackie was half expecting Jan's face to be replaced by her mother's. It had been a long time since someone had spoken to Jackie with such a strange mix of volatile emotions in their voice. But instead of venomous anger, Jackie heard angry fear. And Instead of her mother's hate filled eyes, she saw Jan. Her beautiful Jan, looking heart broken. The soft, dark eyes she often found herself lost in were full of tears and pain. 

"Fuck," Jan said, burying her face into her pillow.

"Jan, I really didn't mean to upset you. You hate outside clothes in bed and usually you need hugs. I shouldn't have assumed. I'm sorry," Jackie said, feigning an air of calmness so Jan didn't freak out. Truthfully, she was scared of what was happening to Jan. Fortunately, Jan responded to Jackie's fake calm and collected face. 

"No I'm sorry, that was weird," Jan said as she started to cry.

"Hey, you were right. You asked for space and I just jumped into your bed. That wasn't fair. That's usually the kind of love you like, so I assumed," Jackie knew that everything about their interaction was abnormal, so she figured that validating Jan's worries was the right thing to do. Not panicking, not blaming, just trying to be understanding. And it seemed to be working. Jan rubbed the spot beside her in bed.

"It  _ is  _ what I want," Jan reassured while a few tears fell. "I'm sorry. I'm just feeling off."

"Would you like me to join you in bed?" Jackie asked softly, without a hint of sarcasm. If Jan needed the feeling of control or explicit consent, then that was exactly what Jackie would give her. 

"Yes please, Jackie," Jan said softly. The way she dried her eyes on her sweater sleeves reminded Jackie of a little girl. She could picture the little blonde child she saw in pictures at Maria and Sal's houses when she looked at Jan. It made the ache in Jackie even stronger. This wasn't the self-admitted emotionally unstable Jan crying because of a cat video, but something a lot worse. Jackie was desperate to figure out what had hurt her girl so deeply. Slowly, she approached Jan's bed and got under the uncomfortably warm comforter. The temperature of the bed alone indicated to Jackie that Jan hadn't moved in a very long time.

"Can I touch you?" 

"Please," Jan said quietly. Jackie dutifully took up the position of big-spoon and pressed her body into Jan's. 

"Can we talk?" 

"I don't know," Jan admitted. 

"What do you need?"

"This," Jan said softly.

"I can do this," Jackie agreed. "But I just need to know a bit of what's going on. Like, are you safe?"

"Safe?"

"You're not…" Jackie didn't know how to phrase it comfortably, but thankfully Jan got the message.

"No I'm not. Besides, I'm too tired," Jan mumbled.

"That's actually not reassuring," Jackie said with a small chuckle.

"I'm safe," Jan said, slightly turning her head back to Jackie. "I don't have a plan. I haven't started giving away things. I'm not joking about or obsessing over death."

"Just because you can repeat the clinical jargon-"

"Jacqueline Cox, I am not suicidal," Jan said, clearly. 

"Jesus," Jackie said stiffly. It was the response that she was hoping for, but it was not verbalized the way that she expected. The word hung between the two for a bit too long before Jackie was able to speak again. "Well, that's good I guess."

"You guess?" Jan said, with a small chuckle.

"Don't be a bitch," Jackie said, pulling Jan closer. "Can...can you just give me a hint? I'm trying not to push. I'm trying to respect your boundaries. But you're scaring me. I'm scared."

"I know that. I know that everyone is. I don't mean to freak everyone out. I’m sorry.” Jan spoke sheepishly, and it made Jackie’s jaw drop. In no way was she looking for Jan to apologize. She didn’t want an apology. Nobody did. 

“Don’t say sorry,” Jackie said, bordering on sounding incredulous. “It’s just… look, I know that we’ve only known each other for a year. So I can’t say unequivocally that this is  _ never _ how you react, but I can say that none of us have seen it. Jaida and Crystal both thought you were dying of the plague or something. Jaida said you haven’t even been talking to your mom. It’s really scary, Jan. For you to be locked up and panicking-”

“Panicking? So you do know about that then?”

“Oh,” Jackie said after a pause. “Yeah.”

“Gigi told you,” Jan confirmed. Jackie couldn’t tell whether or not Jan was upset about it.

"She did. She didn't want to. She really wanted you to know it wasn't about gossiping or anything. Gigi is seriously not like that." Jackie explained. 

"I understand," Jan said. Truthfully, she was glad to learn that unless it was an emergency, Gigi would keep her secrets. It was nice to have another ally. 

"She didn't say much. She actually said that you didn’t say much.”

"No, I didn't. We didn't talk. It was nice."

"Gigi is the best company in the world when you don't want to talk to anyone," Jackie said with a smile.

"She’s a good friend. I hope her and I can not-talk again more often," Jan said with a small smile. As much as she hoped that Jackie would drop the topic and talk about Gigi more, she knew that wasn’t going to. She knew that Jackie was struggling with walking the line between responsibly checking in with her girlfriend without breaking boundaries. There was no way that Jackie was going to let such strange and dangerous sleeping dogs lie.

"What about now? Do you want us not to talk now?"

"I don't know," Jan sighed.

"I don't know what kind of sick you are, so I need you to help me be able to help you. Anxiety sick? Depression sick? Something else? Do you think you need some time off? Do you think you're going to feel better for tomorrow?" Jackie asked.

"Tomorrow?" Jan questioned.

"Yeah do you think you'll be okay for Doctor Andrews' lab?" Jackie asked. Jan shot up out of bed and shot Jackie a look of terror.

"We are working in the lab tomorrow," Jan said, with wide eyes.

"Yeah," Jackie said tentatively. 

"I have to go back there," Jan said shakily.

"Jan-"

"I have to go back there," she repeated.

“You don’t-”

“Fuck, I have to go back there.”

"But Jan-"

"No, no, no, no," Jan stated repeating. She was sitting fully upright in bed, holding her knees to her chest. Her chest was bright red and her cheeks matched. Her throat was so dry and constricted that Jan would have believed someone if they told her that she was having an allergic reaction. 

"Jan-'' Jackie gasped, jumping up to put her hand on Jan's back. "Jan what the fuck is happening?"

"I can't," Jan started repeating. Thinking back to the last time Jan had a panic attack, Jackie remembered that Jan liked to be hugged and she liked to be hugged tight.

"Jan, I think you're having a panic attack. I'm going to hug you, okay? You need to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth." Jan nodded at Jackie's suggestion and let herself be engulfed into a tight embrace. Jackie repeated her breathing directions as Jan tried to work through her panic. Jackie started to feel sick. She couldn't be sure what exactly happened, but she was starting to narrow it down.

"Fuck," Jan stated to repeat to herself as she started to catch her breath.

"I know you don't want to talk about it. So you don't have to tell me explicitly. But I need to know a few things. Did something happen at the lab after hours on Friday?" Jackie didn't want to have to make Jan say anything that made her freak out, but she needed to go over what she knew. It was something bad. It started Friday. The mere mention of the lab made Jan panic.

"Yes," Jan said with a nod.

"Is it… did you make a big mistake with the data or something?" 

"No."

"Was it something to do with the lab work specifically?”

“No.”

“Okay. Is it something that you can like, get in trouble for?” 

“Fuck, I don’t know Jackie. Maybe.” Jan said, feeling the panic rise in her again.

“Jan, you’re really scaring me. Did someone do something to you?”

"Yes," Jan said, craning her head to meet Jackie's eyes. The tear stains and abject terror on Jan's face made something click in Jackie's brain. She could help but think about how Doctor Andrews wasn't the one who asked Jan to stay late, but it was the tech Stephen. The tech that couldn't keep his eyes off of Jan. She thought back to the way that Stephen obviously tried to flirt with Jan, trying to work at Jan's station, patting her on the back every time she did something impressive, and the way he insisted on always working with her when she was invited to help with debriefings. Jackie had a hunch, but she desperately didn't want it to be the truth.

“Was it someone in the lab, Jan?”

“Yes.”

"Who was there when you left?" 

"It was just Stephen and I," Jan managed to say. Jackie noticed the way Jan's body tensed and the way his name made Jan almost wretch.

"Holy fuck," Jackie said, jumping out of Jan's bed. 

"It's not what you think," Jan said. "Well… it's not exactly what you're thinking."

"Did he-?"

"No, no. I got out of there before-"

"He was GOING to?"

"I don't know!" Jan said, starting to cry all over again. "Jackie, please don't be mad." 

"Don't be mad?" Jackie found herself starting to yell. This wasn't angry-anxious Jackie. This was murderous rage Jackie.

"I might have misread-"

"Did he put his hands on you?"

"Not like… not exactly? Jackie it was just weird. It was just like, he kept asking me over and over to go get drunk with him. And he was like, rubbing my shoulders and stuff. Touching my face. Jackie I'm so sorry, I'm so fucking sorry." Jan sobbed. Jackie was so full of white hot anger that she didn't even know what to say.

"Did you…?" Jackie yelled, not even sure what she was going to ask.

"No, I didn't stop him. I know I should have. But he was like, blocking the door. I just wanted to leave. I was trying to figure out how to get away from him." Jan had jumped out of bed and was reaching for Jackie. 

"He blocked you in?" Jackie roared.

"Jackie I'm sorry," Jan cried. 

"Stop apologizing!" Jackie said hastily, realizing that Jan was misunderstanding. "Baby, no, I'm not upset with you."

"You're not?"

"No! Oh Jan I'm sorry! It's him. I'm mad at him!" Jan found herself pulled into the tightest bear hug she had ever been a part of. 

"You promise? I didn't like, tell him I was gay or to to hell. I just told him I wasn't interested and to please just let me go home. I should have stood up for myself. I should have-"

"Stop. Okay, I'm going to stop freaking out. I'm going to sit here quietly and listen to you. Tell me the whole story. Everything. Or at least, whatever you're okay to share. And then we can figure out a plan." There was fire burning inside Jackie, but it wasn't helping. On the contrary, it was making the woman she loved feel even more scared and timid than she was already feeling. So even though it felt impossible, Jackie knew she had to kill the burn. She had to quietly hold Jan's hand. She had to keep Jan standing upright. And even though each new detail had Jackie closer and closer to trying to find this man's address, she sat and she listened.

**

Jackie hated the plan.

She has spent the whole night trying to talk Jan out of what she was going to do. In her mind, Jackie could come up with a million different ways to deal with the Stephen situation, but the plan that Jan had come up with was an idea that hadn't even crossed Jackie's mind for longer than a second. 

As they drove up to the university, Jackie clutching Jan's resignation letter for her as Jan drove, she tried to think of any way to get her girlfriend to change her mind. Even if it wasn't up to her how Jan dealt with trauma, Jackie wanted so badly for this not to happen. Truthfully, she didn't know how she was successfully going to go into the lab that morning and not strangle Stephen with her bare hands. He had harassed Jackie's girlfriend and used his position of power to intimidate her. Jackie was almost scared of what she would do when she saw him. But that wasn't the point. Jan was the point. 

"Are you sure?" Jackie asked for what seemed like the millionth time.

"Yes," Jan said plainly, trying to flash a toothy smile. Her eyes betrayed her intentions and it made Jackie cringe. 

"I really don't think it's the right idea," Jackie said, again for what seemed like the millionth time. 

"You've made that very clear," Jan said with a quiet chuckle. "But I can't go back there. I can't face him." 

"I understand. I do." Jackie said, because even if she understood, it didn't make her happy. And she didn't think that it would make Jan happy in the long run either. For now though, Jackie agreed to be moral support. Jan reasoned that there would be other labs, there would be new opportunities, and there would be things in her future that would make her feel more safe.

**

  
  


After handing in her resignation to a devastated Professor Andrews, Jan found herself in the same parking spot, in the same car, crying again. It felt like this was all she had been doing those last few days. It didn't take long for the story to keep repeating itself however, because as she sobbed, Jan heard a knock on her car window. 

Gigi gave Jan a small smile before letting herself into Jan's car.

"Hi Geege," Jan said, feeling a horrible sense of deja vu as she wiped her eyes.

"I don't start work for another half an hour, and Jackie told me you were resigning from your volunteer placement today. I thought I'd find you here." Gigi said quickly.

"We have to stop meeting like this," Jan laughed. Gigi reached over and patted Jan's hand softly. 

"She didn't tell me why you were resigning. Jackie, I mean. She didn't tell me. And I hope you're not upset that I told her about the other day." 

"It's all good," Jan said earnestly. "I would have done the same thing. Except the not telling anyone part. I'm way more of a gossip than you are. Even when I don't mean to be. Don't ever tell me secrets."

"Noted," Gigi said with a laugh.

"Thanks for trying to keep my secret," Jan said with a small smile.

"Do you want to talk about  _ this _ ?" Gigi asked after a few seconds of silence.

"I thought you didn't do upset," Jan said with a small smirk. 

"You already resigned. I don't have to offer advice," Gigi said, allowing the discomfort of the situation to make her laugh. Jan followed suit and joined in on the laughter. She laughed probably a little harder than was warranted, which only spurred Gigi on. The two girls spent a minute laughing at nothing. 

"A tech at the lab," Jan began. She hadn't told anyone but Jackie, but for some reason, she thought that Gigi would understand. Or at least… Gigi wouldn't pity her. "He got a bit handsy with me I guess. Was really pushy about me not wanting to go for drinks with him. Tried to keep me in the room with him. Was all over me and in my face and touchy."

"And it ruined this for you," Gigi said.

"Yep. He wasn't necessarily my boss but-"

"I get it," Gigi agreed.

"So I can't be there. I didn't even stop him, Gigi. I let him continue to put his hands on me and keep pushing me," Jan said sadly.

"Well, Jan, you didn't  _ let _ him," Gigi scoffed.

"I did."

"Girl, no. You got out of there without something like, physically happening, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well then! That's something. And even if he had attacked you, that's not your issue Jan. He's a creep. He's a fuck. He is a waste of carbon. Don't blame the victim," Gigi said it all so effortlessly and with such a flippant attitude that Jan really wanted to believe her. 

"Thanks Gigi," Jan said softly.

"Jackie is going to murder him, you're aware of this, right?" Gigi asked, her voice unreadable to Jan who really didn't know if she was trying to make a joke or if she was being serious.

"I didn't think of how she would react in the lab. Maybe it's selfish but-"

"It's not selfish to worry about yourself," Gigi said while shaking her head. "You were focused on your like, actual physical safety. It isn't selfish that you weren't planning out everything. But yeah, Jackie is going to kill him."

"I hope she doesn't do anything to get herself into trouble," Jan said, more to herself than to Gigi. The more she thought about Jackie being in the lab with Stephen, the more she realized it was a terrible idea. But she didn't know what to do. She couldn't resign on Jackie's behalf even if she wanted to. All she could do it was hope, and hate Stephen even more because he had inadvertently also caused issues for the career of the woman Jan loved. 

"Can I overstep our friendship boundaries a little bit?" Gigi asked.

"How so?" 

"I have thoughts on a situation that isn't my business," Gigi said.

"Oh," Jan was surprised. She liked the way that Gigi asked before giving her opinion. It was not something that Jan was used to, with her Italian Catholic family or even her own sensibilities. Not that Jan thought it was something everyone should do, but she liked that it was something Gigi did. "Yeah, of course. You can say whatever you want."

"I wish you didn't resign," Gigi said.

"Jackie said the same thing," Jan sighed.

"I get why you did it," Gigi said defensively.

"I can't face him," 

"I totally get it, Jan. I promise. But I just think that you're tough, you know?" 

"What does that matter?"

"Maybe the next girl won't have as thick skin, I guess is what I mean. Although that isn't what I want to say, because that sounds super victim blame-y. Which isn't what I mean, but you know?" Gigi stumbled through her words.

"I'm not sure what you mean," Jan said.

"Yesterday," Gigi started, uncomfortably aware that this of course wasn't her place. "Yesterday, Jackie was really worried that your depression or panic or whatever, she was worried that you were in danger of killing yourself. I guess it's not a matter of strength or thick skin. But maybe the next girl would be in real danger."

"He said that this wasn't something he did," Jan said, feeling crushed when she realized what Gigi meant. 

"You trust his word?" Gigi asked dryly. 

"No, of course I don't," Jan said.

"Look, you have to do what's best for yourself. Don't think I'm judging or prying or anything. I just think that if anyone could stop a guy like him… I just know it could be you." Gigi was being honest. There was no malice in Gigi's words and she wasn't trying to push Jan. And Jan knew this.

"Fuck, eh?" Jan said after the two sat in silence for a while. 

"Fuck. Absolutely."

"So what do I do?" Jan asked hopefully.

"I told you, I'm not here for advice," Gigi laughed.

"Too bad!" Jan said, managing to get another laugh out of Gigi. 

"I don't really like to give advice. But I guess I can just tell you what I would hope to be able to do. As someone on the outside of it all. Not that it's necessarily possible. Or ethical," Gigi said with a laugh.

"Noted."

"I think I would be in there today. I would hate it and be scared and probably leave to vomit once or twice. But you're like, a doctor. You're better than everyone in the lab. Don't even try to deny it, Jackie goes on about how proud you make her every time we see each other. It actually makes me feel sick how happy you make her. Like, I get it, you're in love. Gross," Gigi was desperate to lighten the mood, and Jan was receptive. She was thrilled to see Jan start laughing hard all over again.

"You think I should be there?"

"I think that you should ruin his mother fucking life, Jan," Gigi said effortlessly. "I think you should go in there and be the star you are. I think you should report him. Slash his tires. Make a scene. Make damn sure that everyone knows who he is and what he is."

"What if they don't believe me?"

"What if they do?"

"I'm scared."

"I think it would be foolish for you not to be," Gigi admitted. 

"Even if I wanted to go and ruin him, I already handed in my resignation. I don't think that I can go and take it back, you know?" Jan tried to explain. 

"So? Go in there and tell professor-anxiety-lab exactly why you intended to resign. Ruin his mother fucking life," Gigi said with a smirk. 

"I hate that he put me in this fucking position," Jan said, putting her face on the steering wheel again. Gigi sat with Jan silently for a while before moving to leave the car. 

"None of this was my place, I know. I'm sorry that I overstepped. Like, dramatically at that," Gigi said with a small half smile. "I'm gonna head to work though. Thanks for trusting me or whatever."

"I'm going to ruin his life," Jan said as Gigi got out of the car.

"Ruin that bastard," Gigi said with a wink and a smirk of solidarity. Jan nodded and felt a surge of adrenaline rush through her body. What Stephen did wasn't okay. He didn't get to take anything else from Jan. Positioned above her or not, Stephen didn't get her body, her education, or her sanity. Maybe she would need therapy or her friends or a lot of time with her mom after him, but he wasn't going to get anything from her. Fueled by anger, sadness, and terror, Jan marched to the lab building. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are! This is a long one, so I super appreciate all of the you reading and you sticking with this story!
> 
> Let me know what you think! Comment, critique, review, tell me how your day is going. I just love hearing everything that you guys have to say. And again, thank you all so much for all of the love and for welcoming me back so warmly after the break. You guys are everything.
> 
> Cheers!!!


	25. You Opiate this Hazy Head of Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie comes face to face with Stephen as Jan enacts the plan she created with Gigi - ruin Stephen's life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for all the love on the last chapter!! It's been a really angsty, tough read and I'm so glad you're all giving me such positive feedback. You guys are so kind and lovely.
> 
> CWs through out this chapter. This is mostly for sexual harassment, but it's not nearly as explicit as it has been previously. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for everything. 
> 
> Cheers!!!!

Jacqueline Cox was familiar with anger. Most of her memories were coloured by it. Trying to see the joy and hold on to the beautiful memories - because they did exist - was a choice that Jackie had to actively make. It was great for her mental health, but it was hard to look around the roadblocks of anger. Because mad was just so abundant. It felt like most of her now twenty-three years were red with rage - the colour of her mother's cheeks, the colour of violent hand prints, the colour of the fires that would eventually burn down and destroy the metaphorical Cox household. A lot of times, that red mixed with blue feelings, tears, and broken hearts. But the red undertones were always present. Jackie had been exposed to violent anger and felt it herself. She had felt chills down her spine, nails puncture her palms from clenching a fist too tight, teeth grinding against each other, knots in her stomach and burning in her eyes from white hot tears. Anger was familiar to Jackie. She knew it well.

So what she felt when she saw Stephen in the neuroscience lab must have been a new emotion entirely. Because anger was litotic compared to what Jackie felt. 

Doctor Andrews spent a bit too much time in his office after Jan had handed in her resignation. It didn't surprise Jackie that he was taking a moment to process. Jan was his star pupil throughout their ethics class together, and she had been the star of his lab volunteers. Even though the relationship between professor and student was at a distance, it was obvious that the doctor was a fan of Jan's. Their shared class had lasted a year, and Jan was always attending his office hours. Jackie imagined he was blindsided and even a little hurt by Jan abruptly leaving. His absence wasn't questioned right away by the other volunteers, or even the staff of the lab. Everyone just assumed he was tied up on the phone and would be along shortly. But his delay opened up time for Jackie to stare at Stephen.

The rage that Jackie felt had punched her hard in the gut the instant she made eye contact with Stephen and that boiling inside didn't simmer. It wasn't drastic, but Jackie was shaking. Her leg was bouncing as she sat. She could feel her back teeth scraping against each other as she shook her hands wildly, trying to make the shaking subside. The last 12 hours had been spent trying to understand Jan's emotions of course, so Jackie had forgotten to understand her own emotions. It wasn't as though she thought it would be easy to be in the same room as Stephen. It was that Jackie hadn't thought about it at all. As if he thought her intense eyes were an invitation, Stephen made his way over to Jackie.

"Where's Janice?" He asked, brazenly, with a smirk. Jackie didn't answer. The look on his face made Jackie desperately miss high school. Back then, she could have laid him out without necessarily being charged. And Jan wouldn't have wanted her to get arrested. So she kept her mouth shut. "Jacqueline, I asked you a question."

"I'm aware," Jackie said coldly.

"Where's your friend?" He repeated.

"Somewhere else, evidently." Stephen scrunched his face up and returned Jackie's scowl right back to her. Jackie knew that had they been alone, he would have had some choice words for her. He seemed like the type of man who wasn't used to being challenged. But all of the other volunteers and his co-workers were in earshot, so he kept his thoughts to himself. 

"Is she sick?" He asked. Jackie merely shrugged. She knew that eventually he would find out that Jan had quit, but she didn't want to be the one to tell him. She didn't want to be the one to give him the satisfaction. Too many people like Stephen got to harass their Jan's without consequence due to power dynamics and a culture of fear, and Jackie didn't want to let him know he was another man getting off the hook. It made her feel nauseated to even think about him never paying penance. 

Stephen gave up on Jackie after a few minutes, realizing that Jackie wasn't going to be defrosting her cold demeanour. He left, muttering to himself and eventually going to speak to one of his co-workers about how late Dr. Andrews was. By the time Stephen finally approached Jackie, Dr. Andrews had been in his office for more than half an hour after his meeting with Jan, and everyone was starting to finally be suspicious of his absence. One of the techs made the declaration that she was going to speak to the Doc, when he eventually entered the room.

"I apologize for keeping everyone. On today's agenda-" the doctor began, but he was interrupted. The main door opened to reveal Jan. She was wearing a lab coat, which caused Jackie to do a double take. Her clothes weren't the caliber of business clothes that she had been borrowing from Jaida, her makeup was not done, and her hair was in a ponytail, still looking like she had when she resigned, but Jan was there. Her face was red, and most people who looked at her would easily be able to tell that she had been crying, but Jan was there. 

"My apologies for interrupting. Dr. Andrews, I was wondering if we could speak quickly in your office," Jan spoke clearly and calmly, and Jackie was utterly confused. Last time she had spoken to her girlfriend, she was resolute in her decision to resign from her volunteer position. But she was dressed for work.

"Miss Mantione-"

"Please, Doctor, it's urgent," Jan demanded. Dr Andrews was surprised both by Jan's reappearance in the lab and by her lack of decorum. Fortunately, that showed him that Jan had something important to say. 

"Everyone, please excuse Miss Mantione and I for a moment," the doctor said as he gestured to his office door. The room held an air of discomfort, but nobody looked more uncomfortable than Stephen. He repetitively tried to catch Jackie's eyes, but she avoided him unintentionally. Her mind was occupied with thoughts about Jan. She was a mess, and she had been so resolute in her decision to quit, something must have happened. After failing to catch Jackie's attention, a jittery Stephen returned to his spot beside Jackie. He got so close to Jackie's ear that she felt a jolt of anxiety pass through her body. 

"Why is she going to speak to Andrews?" Stephen hissed to Jackie, tentatively and quietly. His voice was so low that Jackie hardly caught what he said. It was clear that he was still aware of the presence of his co-workers, and if Jackie knew something about what happened between Stephen and Jan, Stephen wanted to know - and keep it quiet 

"Probably about how you were harassing her," Jackie said flippantly and loudly. In her state of anxiety about Stephen's presence and anger at his existence, Jackie had said what she was thinking. She was just as surprised to hear it come out of her mouth as Stephen was. A few of the people in the office stopped their individual conversations to listen in. It was exactly what Stephen was afraid of. 

"I-"

"Not only is it inappropriate for you to persistently ask a volunteer for drinks, you should probably keep your hands to yourself. And if someone has to  _ body _ you in order to leave a room, you're doing something wrong." Jackie had already started, and thus was unable to stop. The volume of her voice was increasing steadily, and Stephen backed away from Jackie quickly. In that moment, Jackie was worried about Jan being embarrassed about the whole lab knowing her situation, but Jackie was too far gone. She wanted everyone to know. She wanted everyone to see who Stephen was. 

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said sheepishly. Stephen looked around the room, watching as people started to give him looks. 

"If you're going to harass people you should be a better liar," Jackie scoffed. 

"I don't know what she told you-"

"You shouldn't worry about what she told me," Jackie said with a smirk just as sickening as the one Stephen wore previously. "You should be worried about what she's telling your boss."

"She's lying," he said.

"You don't even know what she's saying. How could you possibly know she's lying?" In the back of her mind, Jackie could hear her mother's voice. The voice was telling her not to make a scene. The voice telling her to stay out of other people's business. The voice was telling her not to jeopardize her place in the lab, or worse, jeopardize her place in school. 

But Jan…

"She-" Stephen began. But Jackie stood up and made sure she was directly in Stephen's eyeline.

"I'm going to end this conversation now because you're absolutely not worth going to jail for. And because as much as I would love to smash your face into one of the tables over and over, that wouldn't be fair to Jan. That would cloud the investigation that we all know is coming." Jackie's eyes were full of violence, but she couldn't have possibly smiled wider. 

**

It was more than an hour after the lab day had ended. Jackie was standing in the parking lot, leaning against Jan's car, waiting for her girlfriend. Jackie hadn't seen Jan the whole day. She hardly saw Dr. Andrews and Stephen either. Even some of the lab techs were in and out. Needless to say, it was a very unproductive day full of whispers and concern. When everyone finally had decided to call it a day, Jackie still didn't know where Jan was. She made the decision to make her way outside and check if Jan's car was still there. It was a toss up whether or not Jackie was happy to see Jan's car. On one hand, it was nice to think that she would be seeing Jan soon. On the other, she was worried that Jan was still at the University because something bad had happened. Either way, Jackie waited. She waited nervously.

Finally, she saw Jan approaching the car. She wasn't running, but she wasn't walking slowly. Jackie felt her stomach do flip flops as she watched Jan head to the car. Her girlfriend's face didn't seem to be tear stained or red. On the contrary, as Jan approached her car and Jackie, Jan's face was blank. She almost looked peaceful.

"You waited," Jan said when she was finally close enough to speak without yelling across the parking lot. The world's smallest smile showed up on Jan's face briefly when she saw Jackie. 

"Always," Jackie said earnestly. 

"That means everything to me, Jackie," Jan said, lunging at her girlfriend and pulling her into a tight hug. It didn't surprise Jackie that Jan was soon sniffling. Even though she didn't know what happened, no matter what happened, the day had been emotionally exhausting for Jan.

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

"Let's go home," Jan said quietly. "We can talk in the car. I just don't want to be here anymore."

"I'll drive," Jackie said. Her stomach was still full of butterflies. The way Jan was unable to tell her story made Jackie more and more worried that it wasn't a happy one. A very small smile may have graced Jan's face, but that may have just been because she had seen that Jackie waited. That may have had nothing to do with Stephen actually owning what he did. But Jackie followed Jan's silent lead. They got in the car and started on their way home. Not that Jackie was counting, but the silence between the two lasted a full four minutes.

"Did you tell everyone?" Jan asked. Jackie looked over to read Jan's face, but it was still blank.

"Did I tell everyone?"

"Did you tell everyone about what happened between Stephen and I?" Jan clarified.

"Oh," Jackie cringed. "It was an accident. I'm so sorry Jan. He was asking me about you when you were gone. He was pestering me. And then when you showed up, he was scared. He was genuinely terrified. And something came over me. I meant to just say it to him but it was like an out of body experience. I honestly was just fantasizing about hurting him in a million ways. My vision was red. All I could see was red. But that's not an excuse. It wasn't my thing to share. You were exposed enough, I know. I was going to apologize-"

"You shouldn't apologize," Jan said softly. 

"It wasn't my story to tell and-" Jackie said 

"He's suspended," Jan interrupted.

"Really?"

"Indefinitely." 

"Holy shit," Jackie breathed. 

"Cara, the tech, it turns out that Stephen had been bothering her too. Asking her for drinks, grabbing her, asking her to stay late, rubbing her back, talking about her body a lot. The stuff he did to me. He did it to her for a few months," Jan said. "That's why she left the lab abruptly today. When you screamed at Stephen, she decided to finally tell Dr. Andrews what he had been doing to her."

"I didn't scream at him," Jackie tried to defend herself. "But oh my god I wish I could have had the opportunity to strangle him. What a horrible fucking person."

"He said I was the only girl, but I guess he said that to her too," Jan explained.

"Fuck."

"But Jacks, Dr Andrews was so happy I was back. He gave me the floor and listened. He listened to every word I said. He was livid. He believed me so quickly. I was so scared he wouldn't," Jan said, again starting to well up 

"He's a good person, and he really has grown to care about you," Jackie said simply.

"That's why I came back. I came back to tell Dr Andrews all about Stephen and to take my spot back. I'm staying in the lab," Jan said. Her conversations were disjointed, but Jackie had finally started to get used to the topic jumping that came with being around anxious Jan. That didn't mean, however, that following this line of conversation was easy.

"I assumed, but I'm so confused," Jackie said. "You were so resolute. You were so sure you were quitting. Which was fine. But I wonder why you changed your mind."

"After I handed in my resignation, I came to the car and I was crying, of course. But Gigi found me again. She came to see if I was out there. And before I could stop it, I was telling her everything. It was really weird, but Gigi is so easy to talk to because she's too cool to care, does that make sense?" Jan's mind was racing, but she was trying to be coherent for Jackie.

"Gigi is so nonjudgmental and chill," Jackie agreed. 

"But after I had told her everything she told me that no matter what it was my choice and I had to just survive, but she reminded me that if he did this to me, he probably did it to other people too," Jan said sadly.

"And apparently she was right."

"Apparently. Gigi basically said if there was someone that she could picture putting a stop to a scumbag like Stephen, it was me."

"And apparently she was right," Jackie repeated, offering her girlfriend a warm smile. 

"Well I came right back," Jan continued. "I told Dr Andrews the whole story, and like I said, he hit the roof. He was so mad. I filed a full formal complaint and then started bouncing around, telling the story to other people at the University. And apparently while all this was happening you were telling Stephen that you wanted to smash his face off a wall "

"Off a desk," Jackie said with a smirk.

"And when Cara heard you, she felt gross cause whatever you said was really familiar. It was a lot of the same tactics he tried with her. But she didn't say anything because they're co-workers and he technically is her superior. She had the same realization Gigi made me have. People like Stephen hurt a few people, and she felt like she was able to help stop his bullshit."

"He was more calculated than I thought," Jackie said.

"Right? It was about power and intimidation and if he got laid along the way-"

"Fuck."

"And that's why. That's why I had to come back. He doesn't get to take my education. He doesn't get to ruin this experience. I love the lab. I love Dr. Andrews. I love being there with you. He can't take anything from me," Jan rambled. "And I could take everything from him. Gigi was right. Lots of people don't get to get their Stephen's out of their lives."

"No, you're right," Jackie agreed. Much like Gigi had said, Jackie knew it wasn't about strength. It wasn't about bravery. Everyone who dealt with any kind of sexual trauma or harassment did their best. For some people, being able to seek justice on a criminal scale was their best. For some, just surviving was their best. There was no handbook or right answers. Jan was scared and didn't want to face Stephen, but she  _ could. _ And thus, she did.

"I'm sorry," Jan said, looking at Jackie with eyes full of pain. 

"What?" Jackie asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry that I told you I was resigning and then I let Gigi convince me to stay. You were up all night with me-"

"Janice, I need you to listen to me," Jackie said. She pulled the car into Jan's parking lot and made sure they were completely stopped before speaking to Jan. It was important to Jackie that Jan heard her and heard the weight of what she was saying.

"Okay?" Jan was nervous about what Jackie had to say. In her heart, Jan was still concerned. It was worrisome to her that Jackie might hate her for listening to Gigi rather than her. And there was still a part of her that felt like her interaction with Stephen was disloyal in some way.

"I am so proud of you," Jackie said as she grabbed Jan's hand and squeezed it tightly. "You had a horrible experience and you made it though. You got away from him. You kept yourself functioning all weekend even after feeling vulnerable and hurt and angry. You shared with me. You were able to let me in, which is something I respect on a special level because I get it. I get how hard it is to share that trauma stuff. And then you made a plan. You did what you thought would protect you. And even though you made a new plan, that changes nothing. That changes nothing at all. You are the bravest person I know. You held your head high each step. Even as you fell apart. I don't care if it was Gigi, me, or a stranger on the street. If you found something in your soul that made you fight, I am so happy. Even if you resigned I was going to be happy for you. Because this is yours. This is your pain. I'm here to support you."

"I still feel guilty," Jan said. By that time she was full on crying, but so was Jackie. Everything Jackie said was etched into Jan's heart, and would be for the rest of her life. But even though it felt so good to hear it, that didn't mean that the wounds weren't still fresh.

"He's the only guilty one" Jackie said as she used her sleeve to wipe some of Jan's tears.

"Thank you," Jan mumbled.

"There isn't any reason to thank me," Jackie said easily, using her sleeve to take care of her own tears.

"You're here," Jan said.

"Always," Jackie reiterated.

"You kept me safe."

" _ You _ kept yourself safe," Jackie corrected. "And Cara. And maybe other girls. That's incredible, Jan."

"I feel gross and overwhelmed, but I do feel a little bit glad," Jan said. Her face still looked like she had been crying and her eyes threatened more tears, but there was the ghost of a smile on her face. 

"Let's go take a nap," Jackie suggested. "You need water, a nap, and hot tea with honey. What comes after that is up to you. But we need to take care of you physically before anything else."

"I love you so much, Jacqueline."

"I love you more than I'll ever be able to articulate, Janice."

**

Jacqueline Cox was familiar with anger. She was familiar with red. She was familiar with rage and pain and ache and fever. She was familiar with violent and hateful.

But as the day went on, Jackie realized that she went from seeing red when she saw Stephen to seeing red when she saw Jan.

Just… red was a little different.

Red was the colour of Jan's cheeks as she slept. Red was the colour of Jan's palms, always so warm when she held tightly to Jackie's freezing cold fingers. Red was the colour of the passion Jan had for life and learning. Red was the colour of Jan's high energy. Red was the colour of the car in which Jackie and Jan had shown their souls and hearts to each other over and over again. Red was the colour of Jackie's eyes, bloodshot from the emotional rollercoaster of a day. Red was changing from the colour of rage to the colour of love. 

Jackie knew it was cliche.

But it was also almost too perfect. 

Whether it be love or anger, Jackie would say that red was the main colour of her life. Eras characterized mostly by red, but often by sadness, pain, and blue.

Red and blue.

The colours that added up to purple.

Jackie's life had added up to Jan.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading!! Let me know what you're thinking! Comment! Review! Message! Whatever! I just love to hear your thoughts!!!
> 
> Some brevity is coming! I promise!!
> 
> Cheers!


	26. I Call You When I Need You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After having a hard time feeling comfortable again, Jackie and Jan visit Jan's family to get some perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not me making a weekly schedule, writing one of my favourite chapters of anything I've ever written, and posting early cause I couldn't sit on it anymore!!!!
> 
> New song for chapter titles, cause Medicine by the 1974 gets real repetitive fast! We've moved on to Tina Turner and The Best because I just feel it fits this part of the Jankie journey here???
> 
> Yes, that means some brevity at last!!
> 
> CW for sexual harassment and alcohol abuse - specifically parental alcohol abuse. It's mentions of past abuse so it's not I tense but it still could be triggering so tread lightly!!
> 
> Without further ado...
> 
> Cheers!!!

“So,” Crystal began as she and Jaida sped along to their destination. Jaida usually didn’t drive as fast as Jan, but that day was different. On that day, Jaida was giving Jan a run for her money. Crystal had already commented on Jan rubbing off on Jaida, which made Jaida laugh even though it didn’t make her slow down. “You talked to Jan for sure?”

“Yeah,” Jaida said with a smirk and a look of excitement in her eyes. Crystal smirked back and clapped her hands together joyfully. “I called her when she and Jackie were on their way to the lab. She was confused as hell, calling her so early in the morning.”

“She’s going to be in the lab today for sure?” Crystal asked.

“Yeah, girl, she’s going to be there all day. Jackie too,” Jaida confirmed.

“And people are going to see them? They’re both working with people who will know them and know that they’re there? What about that other girl?”

“They have to check in with the doctor when they start their day, so it will all be on the lab’s records. Cara, that’s the other one’s name. She is leading the intake of new study participants today with the doctor. That’s what Jan said. Jackie will probably be doing data inputting, and Jan will probably work with Cara and the doctor. They were both sus about how many questions I was asking,” Jaida explained.

“Perfect. They all have alibis.” Crystal laughed. “And we have an address.”

“Girl, don’t you think that if you were a perv, you’d make your address harder to find?” Jaida asked sarcastically. 

“If I were a sexual harassing piece of shit, I would definitely try and hide my address better. And I definitely would make sure that I didn’t post pictures of my car on Instagram. I would definitely not make it so easy for angry friends to come and trash my piece of shit Ford Focus. But that’s just me,” Crystal said, stroking a baseball bat that she borrowed from a friend, and thinking about the knife in Jaida's purse.“I guess I’m built different.”

“Lucky for us Ford Focuses are all built the same,” Jaida cackled. "Not so good at withstanding bats and knives."

"Why Jaida, violence is never the answer!" Crystal joked, pretending to clutch an invisible set of pearls.

"That's true, but girl, this feels so good."

**

Jan was still having a hard time with everything, even a few weeks after Stephen’s expulsion from the lab. She was still having a hard time feeling safe in the lab, having a hard time sleeping, and had avoided engaging in any sexual contact. After a few days, Jan decided she wanted to share her experience with her friends, and that had a positive effect on Jan. Jackie did everything in her power to make Jan feel safe and secure, Gigi continued to listen without judgement or comment, and Nicky shared wine and her own hard stories with Jan so she didn’t feel alone. Crystal and Jaida made sure she always had a shoulder to cry on and took it upon themselves to feed Jan. And even though it was unethical, it did make Jan smile when she’d heard through the grapevine that  _ somebody  _ had smashed Stephen’s windshield, windows, mirrors, and slashed three of his tires on the day that Jaida and Crystal were suspiciously interested in knowing what her and Jackie’s plans were for that day. But even with all the love in the world, Jan still felt icky. 

What she really wanted to do was talk to her mom, but something kept stopping her. 

The harassment being sexual in nature made Jan feel a bit too uncomfortable to talk to Maria. It wasn’t as though Maria and Jan were against talking about sex. On the contrary, young Jan had felt safe asking her mother questions about her body and sexual health. They even could joke about it. But things were either light-hearted and silly or strictly informative. This whole situation was different. This was violating, skin prickling, and anxiety inducing. This wasn’t funny. And Jan wasn’t the type to joke about her difficulties and traumas - that was more in Jackie’s department. Sharing something that made her skin crawl in this way seemed inappropriate. It hurt to think of her mom’s reaction to someone viewing her daughter as a sexual object and on some level, Jan wanted to protect her mother from knowing what happened. 

Jackie knew that Jan needed more support and that Maria was the one who would be able to give it. So when Jan approached Jackie about spending a weekend together in Hamilton for AJ’s birthday, she jumped at the opportunity.

"I just feel weird not bringing anything. My father always brought wine to every event we went to. Even at Christmas when I didn’t even bring luggage, I brought coffee when I arrived. Should I bring wine for AJ’s birthday dinner tomorrow?" Jackie asked as they drove their way to Hamilton. The girls would arrive there late on Friday night, choosing to leave right after their day in the lab ended. The Mantione family would be having dinner together on the Saturday night, and Jackie felt strange to not have anything to bring. Jan had picked out a present and put both of their names on it, but she insisted that Jackie not bother with a present of her own. They were a couple, so Jan believed that every gift was from both of them. 

"No," Jan said nervously. "Ma wouldn't like that. She considers you family and you only bring things if you're a guest."

"That's sweet," Jackie said, missing the change in Jan's demeanor. "But it feels rude. I mean I haven't seen her since Christmas, and that was a whole ordeal. After everything that you guys did for me, I can’t just show up empty-handed. Your mom can call me family but I still want to make a good impression. Can we just stop super quick so I can grab a bottle?"

"No, Jacks. That's super unnecessary."

"Maybe for you, but you don't need to make a good impression! Maria already likes you. She has to like you. As far as she knows I’m the weird, sad girlfriend who didn’t bring underwear or a toothbrush when she showed up at your door. You see why I feel awkward, right?” Jackie asked.

“Of course I do, but it’s not necessary,” Jan repeated. “She doesn’t think that you’re the weird, sad girlfriend, Jacks. Trust me. Do you think my Italian Catholic mother wouldn’t have already banned me from seeing you if she didn’t like you? You’ve made a good impression. Stop this.”

“A bottle of wine or something is the least I could do, considering I owe your family a vineyard at this point.” Jackie laughed.

"My mom wouldn't want you to spend the money," Jan said defensively, not laughing along with Jackie.

"Oh, I won't get anything fancy! I can just-"

“No,” Jan insisted.

“It’ll take me like three seconds to just pop into the LCBO. My girl, I really feel like I should-”

"I said  _ fucking _ drop it, Jackie." Jan snapped. Jackie looked at her for a few seconds, silently scrunching her eyebrows and trying to read Jan's mood change. Something had clearly put Jan on edge, but Jackie couldn’t tell what it was. 

“I’m sorry,” Jackie said tentatively.

“It’s fine,” Jan mumbled.

“I thought you were just being polite, I didn’t know it was going to upset you or something,” Jackie explained. Something shifted in Jan quickly, realizing that she was being unfair to Jackie. That was a piece of Jan’s history that they hadn’t gotten into just yet.

“I just don’t want to bring  _ wine _ , okay?” Jan’s voice had softened incredibly.

“Can I ask why?” 

“Ma used to like wine, Jacks,” Jan admitted. “Really,  _ really  _ like wine. Vodka. Gin. Whisky. Beer. Tequila. Anything, really. But ma used to like wine a lot.”

“I gotcha,” Jackie nodded. She knew exactly what Jan was implying, but she also knew by the way Jan had snapped at her, that Jan was not interested in furthering the conversation. This was the first time that Jan had even implied a history of alcoholism to Jackie, so she figured it just wasn’t something Jan was ready to discuss. They had their whole lives together, and Jan had already undergone enough stress since the summer began. So Jackie decided to not push. 

“We don’t have wine in the house ever anymore,” Jan sighed. “We don’t have any alcohol around. Like, even as teenagers sneaking alcohol, my brothers and I wouldn’t bring booze to parties because if mom found it... We all got our friends to bring stuff. Even as idiot kids, we knew that it just couldn’t be there in the house. You know?”

“What about flowers?” Jackie asked, offering Jan a warm smile and putting her cold hand on Jan’s thigh, right where her skin met the edge of her denim shorts. The temperature of her fingers made Jan shudder initially, but after a second, the cold felt nice against Jan’s warm skin. 

“Flowers are nice,” Jan said happily. “But I was being serious about you not needing to bring anything.”

“Would your mom like flowers?” Jackie asked, ignoring Jan’s insistence on not bringing something.

“Yes, ma would love flowers,” Jan admitted.

“Flowers it is.”

**

Jan loved summer because even when she arrived somewhere in the late evening, it was still bright out. Canadian winters were cold, but the part that people often leave out is how dark they were. Even living on one of the southernmost points of Ontario, the sky was grey all winter. It felt like it remained grey from October to April. That simply didn’t work for Jan. She often referred to herself as a complicated plant. Jan craved the sunshine. So, her mother greeting the girls outside with iced coffee at 8:30 pm while the sun was still shining was exactly what Jan needed. It felt like her icy cold feelings were defrosting in the evening sun.

And Jan had been correct. Maria loved the flowers that Jackie brought.

It didn’t take long for AJ to join them outside, not helping carry in the luggage and taking Jan’s iced coffee from her hands to drink it. In a strange way, it was comforting. All that was missing was Joey, who would join them the next day, as he was busy working overnight. He just started his job as an EMT and was excitedly picking up extra shifts to prove how good and reliable he was. Jackie thought it was just so classic Mantione that it made her laugh. 

As soon as he joined the women outside, AJ made sure to regale everyone with stories about all of the girls he had been  _ seeing _ throughout the last year of his undergraduate program. Maria was horrified by her son's lack of candor. Jackie laughed through the whole conversation. Jan was happy to be around the chaotic energy of her family. It felt nice and safe.

"Did you find it surprising when Jan came out?" Jackie asked. "After all, you did unleash 3 ladykillers onto the world, Maria. Did you expect that?"

"I've retired from lady killing," Jan laughed, squeezing Jackie's hand.

"Sorry, when did you start?" AJ teased, causing Jan to purse her lips in annoyance.

"Well," Maria said after a pause. It seemed that she was going to answer the question a lot more seriously than Jackie asked it. "I guess it wasn't much of a surprise. We had all wondered. Sal and I joked about her being a lesbian when we were still married, so Jan was quite little. She always seemed to have little crushes on other girls, even from when she was in junior kindergarten. There was never that energy or excitement with boys. So it definitely didn't exactly come out of nowhere. Now what  _ was  _ hard was that after she came out I realized I had always three suspects whenever someone forgot to clear their dirty search history on the family computer!"

"Ma!" Jan exclaimed as Jackie choked on the coffee she was drinking.

“That should have been an easy one to narrow down, Ma,” AJ laughed. "Jan was always more scatterbrained and forgetful than me and Joey. If ma found anybody's porn, it was Jan's."

"Not this!" Jan squeaked, swatting her brother forcefully. 

"The family computer, Janice?" Jackie asked with a laugh. 

"In Jan's defense, we did only have one computer at the time, we didn't get laptops until we went to University" AJ explained. "And plus, I was getting enough action that I didn't need as much porn as Jan-"

"Antonio James, you're disgusting," Maria yelled. Jackie continued to cackle when she saw how red Jan had become. With an exaggerated groan, Jan put her head in her hands.

"You brought up all the porn Jan got caught watching!" AJ said to defend himself. 

"This conversation is over!" Jan exclaimed. "Jackie, stop encouraging them! It's not funny, particularly because it isn't true."

"It is absolutely true," AJ teased. 

"Three kids so close in age at puberty must have been tough," Jackie said after drying her eyes of the tears that came from laughing too hard.

"I learned way too much about my children, I'll tell you that much. Imagine it, Jackie. Here I am, just trying to type "G" in the address bar looking for the Google and the autofill suggests girl-on-"

"Jesus Christ, Ma!" Jan yelled.

"Language, Janice!"

"You're talking about porn!" Jan said defensively. 

"Yeah, that definitely sounds like Jan's vibe," AJ laughed as Jan whined, pulling her head into her shirt to hide her face dramatically. 

"And this one time," Maria started. "This one time I was putting laundry in Jan's dresser and I found a vib-"

"No more!" Jan cried.

"She's telling me a story," Jackie said, obviously revelling in the embarrassment that Maria was creating. It made Jackie laugh how similar Jan and Maria were. Both extremely kind women with a tendency to overshare. More importantly though, Jackie loved the energy of the Mantione family. They laughed together. They teased each other. They took things lightly and never too seriously when they joked. Jan was embarrassed for sure, but Jackie knew she wasn't upset. 

"This is not a true story, Jacks!"

"Regardless," Maria started. "No, Jackie, we weren't too caught off guard."

"We're your parents surprised?" AJ asked Jackie. It was an innocent question but it made Jan look over at Jackie in abject terror. Maria knew about Jackie not being in contact with her family, but she didn't know the extent, and AJ didn't know anything about it. 

"My mother was, to say the least," Jackie said with an earnest chuckle. "But it surprised me, so I'm not sure I can blame her for that. Although, my father had an inkling."

"And we're 100% sure about the lesbian thing? Have we fully considered our bisexual and pansexual options?" AJ asked, tousling his hair and smirking. Jan let out an irritated scoff, and Maria rolled her eyes. 

"Down, AJ," Maria chastised. 

"'Fraid so," Jackie chuckled.

"But if you do go through a new journey of self discovery-"

"Oh my god!" Jan whined. "This is worse than the porn conversation! How is this somehow worse than the porn conversation? Ma! Tell him to shut it!"

"AJ," Maria warned.

"Did you just tattle on me?" AJ asked, laughing at the notion of being told on as an adult. Especially over something that happened right in front of their mother.

"I did," Jan said confidently. "You've been coming for me all night!"

"Ma was actually way meaner!" AJ exclaimed with a laugh.

"Actually true! Ma! Tell yourself to shut it!" Jan laughed.

"You can't talk to your mother like that," Jackie teased.

"Oh, Janice, I like this one more and more every time I see her," Maria laughed as she clapped her hands together. Jan rolled her eyes and laughed, realizing that she wasn't going to win this fight. It felt good to be the butt of the joke. Not that the constant love and reassurance from her friends didn't mean the world to her, but it was nice to feel like everyone wasn't walking on eggshells. It was normal. Her mom and AJ teased her and shared embarrassing stories with Jackie over Christmas. It felt like nothing had changed. That was exactly the energy that Jan needed.

  
  


**

Jan found herself awake well before the sun rose on Saturday morning. Sleeping well was a luxury that Jan still didn't own after her experiences with Stephen. After laying in her childhood bed for a while, she realized that sleep was probably not in her near future. Even though her mom was strict about the no partners in bedrooms rule, Jan never abided by it without a little fight, so she figured that she would go visit Jackie in the basement. It wasn't like she had felt particularly sexy over the last few weeks anyway. She had just gotten so used to sleeping beside the girlfriend who had hardly left her side for the last little while.

Quietly, or as quietly as Jan was able to, she snuck toward the creaky stairs. Her mom's bedroom door was closed, indicating that she had gone to bed. But AJ's door was open. Curious, Jan walked down the stairs. The television had the living room lit up completely. AJ was sitting in front of the TV, but was absentmindedly looking at his phone rather than watching.

"Can't sleep?" Jan asked as she approached her brother, choosing to sit on the same couch as him. AJ was curled up on one end of the couch, so Jan took the other end. She ended up sprawling out and putting her feet on her brother, but he didn't react.

"No, not really JJ," he said quietly.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Master's program anxiety, I guess," AJ said with a shrug. For as long as Jan could remember, AJ was a reader and a writer. He devoured books and was fond of writing poetry. They were a great team when it came to helping each other with homework - Jan checking her brother's math homework and AJ proofreading his sister's essays. There were many instances of Jan's high school girlfriend receiving poems crafted by AJ but passed off as Jan's. So when AJ decided he wanted to study Canadian Literature, nobody was surprised. The only problem was that AJ didn't exactly know what that meant for his future. And the more doubt he showed, the more his parents expressed their own doubts. He loved to read. He loved to write. But what did that translate into? 

"It's scary," Jan said with a nod.

"At least you know what you want to do," AJ remarked. "You've been the doctor your whole life. You don't have this pressure."

"Ah yes, the pressure free life of medical school," Jan huffed. She knew that AJ was just in his feelings, but it still irritated her. 

"You don't have dad breathing down your neck," AJ pointed out. 

"He's still being weird?" Jan asked. Jan had assumed that AJ getting into a competitive masters program would get her father to ease up, but apparently that wasn't the case. Sal was a good father who adores his children, but he was a bit old fashioned, especially about success. 

"Oh, Antonio, we love you and want to see you succeed. What do you intend to do with that BA in literature? You're going to have to make sure you complete your masters now that you've been accepted, and then probably your PhD, mio ragazzo, if you want to be employable," AJ said in a Sal impression that made Jan laugh out loud. 

"And you still don't know what you want to do?" Jan asked softly.

"I want to write poetry," AJ shrugged. 

"If nobody put any pressure in you, is that what you'd do? You'd write? Publish a collection of poetry? Be the next Homer?",

"Yeah. Except I would also have a harem of beautiful women who feed me grapes as I write poetry for them," AJ said with a smirk.

"You're the worst," Jan said, rolling her eyes.

"I guess I wouldn't mind being a professor or even a high school teacher or something. Get kids to actually appreciate poetry instead of being intimidated by their poetry units. But it's so irksome that dad and Theresa and even mom sometimes are all about this masters and PhD thing. Yeah, they're trying to be nice and it's about me being able to make a living. But it's exhausting. Like, we get it, I'm not Jan," he scoffed and gave Jan a stiff smile.

"They're not comparing us," Jan said, even though she didn't fully believe it.

"Dude," AJ exclaimed a bit too loudly. "Dad compares us to you constantly. Another Dr. Mantione. You'd think that you were the virgin Mary herself the way dad talks. You're the one following in his footsteps. You're the doctor. And then at least Joey is in medicine. I'm the wild child. AJ with his nose in a book and his head in the clouds."

"I'm sorry," Jan said after searching and failing to find something better to say.

"They mean well," AJ assured his sister. "I know they do. Besides, have you ever heard of a house where the kid getting their masters is the black sheep? They're spoiled for great kids in this family. Doesn't mean I'm not jealous though. I've always been jealous of you."

"Antonio, if it helps, I always wished I was more like you."

"Fuck off," he laughed.

"Honestly!" Jan said earnestly. "You're so creative. So confident. You're so smooth and cool because you don't have to try. I'm always trying. You are so aware of your emotions. Nobody can put their feelings into words like you. Joey just shuts down and I cry or overshare. You could talk your way out of any problem. I wished I could write like you, or my brain worked more like yours. If the whole world agreed on the ten best ways to describe something, you'd find a secret eleventh way and blow everyone away. You make people feel things. And you make people want to like what you do. You think my STEM ass would love Maya Angelou or Sylvia Plath if it wasn't for you? You're inspiring! I've always been jealous of that. I always wished I was like you."

"Thanks JJ," AJ said quietly.

"When I came out, do you remember what you did?" Jan asked.

"Told you that I also liked pussy and you weren't special?" AJ suggested, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, yes," Jan said, laughing quietly. "That's what you said. But you put your copy of the complete works of Sappho on my bed. It meant the world to me, even if we never talked about it. Because I knew you'd just have shrugged it off. But I still have the book, Antonio. And I will keep it forever."

"That could have been Joey who gave you that," AJ joked.

"Oh yes, of course," Jan said drily.

"That means a lot that you still have that book. But I know you're not awake so I can complain about how jealous I am of you. What's going on in your empty head?" AJ teased. Jan pretended to gasp and clutch her chest in shock, but eventually she laughed.

"Had a run in with a shitty guy," Jan said vaguely.

"You're not supposed to have boy problems!" AJ exclaimed. "I can't help with those."

"Not that kind of shitty guy, Antonio," Jan mumbled.

"Like, a bad teacher or like, a guy that if you told me what happened I would end up in jail?" AJ asked tentatively.

"The latter," Jan said quietly.

"What the fuck happened, Janice?" AJ asked far too loudly. Jan kicked him hard and emphatically shushed him. 

"Antonio, fuckhead, shut your mouth!" Jan snapped. "Ma doesn't know, and also everyone else is asleep so we need to keep it that way."

"Jesus Christ Jan, you can't just drop this on me!"

"It's dealt with! He's just a gross guy who was handsy with some of us in the lab. He's suspended indefinitely and my roommates may or may not have allegedly absolutely decimated his car in an act of revenge that I cannot confirm or deny if it actually happened," Jan explained.

"Is he in jail?"

"No, it wasn't a criminal offence," Jan said.

"I will kill this man."

"Dude, it's over. It's fine. He won't get to harass anyone else. Plus his car is totaled." It wasn't surprising to Jan that her brother was so angry. The Mantione kids were close. They stuck together. The only person Jan had ever beaten up was a boy that bullied AJ when he was grade eight and Jan was in grade nine. She would happily tell everyone that she'd won the only fight she'd ever been in.

"Well...good I guess," AJ conceded. "But now you can't sleep."

"It was some extra gross workplace harassment, but I still feel anxious. Not that I see him or I think he's gonna stalk me or something. I just still can't feel comfortable," Jan said. "Does that make sense?"

"Yeah," AJ nodded. "Are you gonna talk to ma?"

"I don't think so," Jan shook her head.

"You usually go to her for everything."

"Nothing bad. Nothing like this."

"Why? You guys are so close I thought you'd share pretty much everything. Don't you think she would be better at this than I am?" AJ asked.

"I don't want her to know this," Jan said simply. "I just like being around you guys when things are shitty. And I tell mom a lot, but this is different."

"She's not gonna start drinking over this, JJ," AJ said.

"I didn't say she was!"

"I know, but that's always what you're worried about."

"That's not-"

"Janice, it always comes back to mom drinking. That's always what you're worried about." AJ repeated.

"Isn't that something we all worry about?"

"Sure, sometimes. But if you need her when things are bad, I don't know if that's a fair reason to not lean on her," AJ said with a shrug.

"Not fair to who?"

"Either of you, I guess." AJ offered his sister a small smile and squeezed her ankle. "You're both gonna be fine. But if you need to talk to her, you should. It's not your job to protect her from her own demons. If you need her, talk to her. She's been sober for so long. You can trust her."

"I think I'll always worry that I'll cause her to relapse," Jan admitted.

"Dude, we are the reason she hasn't ever relapsed and we are the reason she got clean. To protect us and be there for us. If you don't wanna tell ma 'cause it's over or because you're uncomfy that's one thing. But if it's cause you're worried she's gonna fall off the wagon? I think you should give her a chance to be there for you. And not just for the happy shit," AJ said. Jan liked the way he has described their mothers triumph and sobriety. It was for the kids. It was why Maria was a fighter. To help other people. Jan knew that she got her love of medicine from Sal, but it was beginning to occur to her that her fight and her desire to help may have been directly from Maria.

"I'll think about it, thanks AJ," Jan said as she moved her legs off her brother and stood up. "And thanks for all this. I really needed it."

"I miss you, you know," AJ said as Jan moved to leave the room.

"I miss you too. I'm really glad I came up for the weekend." Jan said with a smile. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I have no idea if it'll translate but this is literally one of my fav chapters. I don't even know why!!!
> 
> But either way! I hope you enjoyed!!
> 
> Comment! Critique! Revie! Let me know what you think!!!
> 
> Cheers!!!!!


	27. My Heart's on Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie has a small chat with Maria, and the girls discuss Jan's childhood and fairly tales.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! This one is a bit of a shorter updates cause I just wanted to finish up this arc before hitting the next one, and I felt like I said what I wanted to in less words than usual. So I'm sorry about that!!
> 
> CW for parental alcoholism and divorce and a small mention of rehab.
> 
> I do hope you're enjoying this direction of the story and the updates actually happening on schedule????
> 
> Cheers!!

Jackie was used to quiet, especially at mealtimes. Most nights the Cox family didn’t eat together. Jackie’s father and mother both worked alternating shifts, which meant Jackie tended to fend for herself, silently enjoying leftovers or easy meals. When the Cox family did actually share meals, Jackie and her father talked softly about their respective days and whatever books they'd been reading while her mother kept to herself. That meal time silence had actually become a comfort for Jackie. If there was no noise in the house or if Jackie was all alone, it meant that nobody was yelling or fighting. 

Mealtimes at the Mantione house were a completely different story. Every time Jackie shared a meal with Jan’s family, it was loud and overwhelming and wonderful. AJ threw bread at Jan and Jackie. Joey got in a yelling match with Jan about a soccer rivalry that Jackie knew nothing about. Maria had asked all of her children if they were “fucking kidding” at least once during the meal while simultaneously scolding them for bad language. Jackie had been on the verge of crying from laughter the whole night. It was a rare combination of far too much yet absolutely lovely for Jackie. 

The next morning, Jackie was looking for a bit of silence when she got up early to have a cup of coffee. Instead, she found Maria.

“Hi sweetheart, I just made coffee,” Maria said, gesturing to a steaming Chemex. “Jan got me this fancy coffee maker for Christmas a few years ago. I finally started using it when my old coffee machine broke this year. I thought it was way too fancy for me, but it makes a good cup.”

“Thank you, Maria,” Jackie said, heading to the cupboard to find herself a mug. As much as she had been hoping for a bit of quiet, she wasn’t against having coffee with Maria. She was chatty and warm, just like Jan. So the older woman made Jackie feel safe and comfortable. 

“I’m glad you convinced Jan to come up. It meant a lot to the boys and me,” Maria said warmly.

“Convinced?” Jackie tried to clarify. 

“When I first told her I wanted her to come home for the birthday, she said she wasn’t feeling good. She said she was bogged down with work and was too tired and was going to be busy. A lot of excuses for not wanting to come up. Then eventually she said that you really wanted her to come up,” Maria explained. "So I appreciate it. You always seem to know what to say to her "

“Oh, sure," Jackie muttered. She was uncomfortable. 

“It’s been such a good weekend, I’m glad you convinced her,” Maria repeated softly. Her eyes were warm and full of concern. Jackie knew that she couldn’t tell Maria about Stephen, but she wanted to let Maria know that Jan was okay. 

“It’s been a pleasure, I know Jan misses you guys desperately, and I love being here,” Jackie explained. "You've really made me feel like I'm part of your family."

“We miss Jan. I miss Jan. And of course you're family, honey. But I know something is going on that she doesn’t want to talk about. And don’t worry sweetheart, I’m not going to ask you what happened or why she’s feeling so down,” Maria said earnestly. 

“Thanks,” Jackie mumbled.

"She thinks she's good at hiding it," Maria sighed.

"I think you two are just so close that even if she was good at hiding how she was feeling, you can tell. You know better."

“Is she going to be okay?” Maria asked.

“I think so,” Jackie began. “She’s tough as nails. But this has been a hard year. I think in a lot of ways, Jan is overwhelmed.”

“She gets in her head pretty easily. Sometimes I think we put too much pressure on Jan. Especially when she was a little girl,” Maria said sadly.

"She really appreciates you guys. And she has a million great stories of her childhood. It doesn't seem like she has a lot of gripes or anger toward you guys from her childhood. Just a lot of really nice memories," Jackie countered. 

"Jan was just so smart, such a firecracker from day one. We wanted to nurture her, but especially with Sal being a doctor. I wonder. I wonder if we put too much on her shoulders. All the kids really," Maria sighed.

“I can’t speak to how Jan grew up,” Jackie started. “But I can speak to how I grew up. I mean, you were at my mother’s funeral and you saw me at Christmas. My parents were tough on me. That’s an understatement. There’s a reason my father and I aren’t in contact. Not that I’m a parent or anything, but I’m sure even the good parents have things they wish they could have done differently. And I think you’re one of the good ones, Maria.”

“That’s very sweet, honey, thank you,” Maria beamed. Jackie knew that their chat wasn’t going to fix the stress Maria felt about Jan being distant, but she hoped it would give a little comfort at least. Jackie was happy that their conversation came to a head when it did because after Maria thanked Jackie and squeezed her hand lovingly, they both heard Jan running down the stairs. 

“Morning!” Jan said happily. Each day that they had been at Jan's mom's house, Jackie noticed small differences. It was like she was just holding herself a bit lighter. Her steps were softer. Her head was higher. Her eyes were a bit brighter. The energy was just different. Jackie was super happy to see Jan being happier and feeling safe again She danced around behind Jackie and Maria on the hunt for a mug. “What are you guys talking about?”

“How good Jackie is for you,” Maria said simply. Jan smiled widely and Jackie blushed. 

  
“She is, isn’t she?” Jan said with a smile. Jackie already knew that she was in Maria’s good books, but it felt nice the way that Maria always confirmed it. There was never any wondering. It was another thing that overwhelmed Jackie while also making her feel thrilled. She always knew where she stood with the Mantione family. Chaos was starting to become a little bit easier because at least it was comfortable. 

**

“I feel bad that ma didn’t think that I wanted to be there,” Jan sighed as the girls drove back home. Their weekend had been lovely, but a dark cloud hung clearly over Jan. Jackie had shared a bit about what she and Maria had talked about. 

“She knows you’re stressed,” Jackie said.

“She probably thinks it’s her fault,” Jan said softly. 

“She doesn’t.”

“She blames herself for all of her kids' problems. Everything. Any issues or setbacks or whatever, she thinks that it’s her fault. Joey or AJ or I, she’s convinced the drinking was the problem. None of us blame her for everything. Like don’t get me wrong, it definitely caused some problems for all of us in the long run. But ma thinks everything is her fault,” Jan explained. 

"I don't think anyone makes it out of their childhoods unscathed. I think in one way or another we all kind of take on our parents' issues," Jackie shrugged. "Even good parents. They had their own things before they had kids. Everyone is some shade of fucked up, you know? And parents are just people."

"You're right," Jan agreed. 

"And your family is super young," Jackie pointed out. "Not that it is necessarily better or worse to have older parents. But the fact is that they were practically babies when you guys were born, and they still turned out to be better than my parents who were older and waited and actively tried to have a child for years before they got pregnant."

"God, they were young," Jan agreed. "Ma was nineteen when she got pregnant with Joey. Dad proposed when he found out she was expecting. He was like, the age we are now!"

"Absolutely terrifying," Jackie laughed. 

"I'm not ready for a child. I am a child!" Jan exclaimed.

"They had Joey when your dad was in his first year of medical school?" Jackie asked.

"Yeah, isn't that wild? And it wasn't like my dad was a hands-off father. My whole life, he was always around. It's part of why he wanted to be a family doctor, 'cause it's basically the 9 to 5 option for a physician," Jan explained.

"I really can't imagine doing all this school stuff while having a wife and a child," Jackie said shaking her head.

"Not just a single child, Jacks! They had all 3 of us before dad was done med school," Jan pointed out. "Thinking of this last year, I actually have no idea how they possibly dealt with everything."

"I think… I think you just have to," Jackie said. "I think that you get handed things and you just have to figure it out. And then when new problems and events happen, you take what you learned last time and take that into consideration."

"That's what you do," Jan pointed out.

"I guess," Jackie said.

"It is. Each horrible thing that happened to you, you just learned to keep going. You just did it. I don't even think you could explain how you came out or how you learned to be on your own or how you grieved. You just did."

"Thanks Jan, I really appreciate that," Jackie said with a smile. Even though she had been working hard on the way she dealt with the world, it still felt novel for Jackie to be complimented on her coping mechanisms. Those compliments earned a very warm feeling.

"I think you're right for the most part, I think that's probably true for my mom and dad. True for my mom all around honestly. Raising kids, dealing with addiction, getting a divorce, learning how to raise us post-addiction. She just did it. She just did," Jan surmised.

"She's tough," Jackie said. "It must be a genetic thing. I don't know if there's much I imagine you couldn't deal with."

"Ma is a lot tougher than me," Jan said with a smile. "AJ said I don't give her enough credit. And he's probably right. A lot of what she's gone through, I don't know if I could survive like her. I mean, she was literally pregnant with her third kid when she was my age. Could you even imagine if I was pregnant right now?"

"I would have some important questions for you, honestly," Jackie laughed.

"You know what I mean," Jan huffed and rolled her eyes, but she still smiled.

"I do, and I agree," Jackie laughed.

"They weren't married very long," Jan said. "Like, I guess longer than people would have expected because it was a whole Italian Catholic shotgun wedding thing."

"You don't talk about their divorce a lot," Jackie said.

"I honestly don't remember it very well," Jan shrugged. "Theresa and my dad got married when I was ten. Most of my life, my parents weren't married, right?"

"Do you remember them being together?"

"It's weird. I have some memories, but not clear ones. They're hazy. They feel like they could be a memory or a dream or even just what my brain has created from hearing the stories for twenty-three years. Dad left when I was eight, so it is just on the edge of what I can remember," Jan explained. "I know a lot of the facts. Mom had started drinking a lot, dad was coming home and she was always drunk. He said she had to go to rehab or else. And she picked or else."

"Addiction picked for her I think," Jackie pointed out.

"Yeah, very that," Jan nodded.

"Do you know why she started?"

"I don't think she'll ever tell me. She's let me in on her battles with depression and stuff, but it's like you said. They had these whole lives before us, and then they have these whole lives that don't include us. Trauma or general mental illness, either way. She probably wants to protect us from  _ something  _ because she couldn't protect us from everything," Jan suggested.

"Did your dad have custody then?" Jackie asked. Because of how close Jan had been with her mom, Jackie had just assumed that the Mantione kids grew up with their mom primarily.

"Sometimes we were with dad the majority of the time, sometimes we were with mom. Mom got completely sober when I was like fourteen and it got a lot less chaotic then. At least, as far as I know, that's when she got completely sober," Jan said.

"Do you think she’s relapsed and hid it?”

"I try not to," Jan said. "I just worry. My dad actually paid for her to go to a fancy rehab."

"Your dad?" Jackie asked incredulously.

"Yep, dad paid for it. They'd been divorced for like seven years and when she finally agreed to go, he still paid. Just like he promised he would when they were still married."

"That's incredible," Jackie said.

"Weird for sure," Jan laughed. "But it's what they're like. Don't get me wrong, dad and Theresa are cute and meant to be or whatever."

"But he will always love your mom?"

"Yeah I think," Jan agreed. "Definitely not in love with her, but as far as I know, they really only split cause of the addiction and to try and keep me and the boys safe."

"That's almost more sad," Jackie remarked.

"Isn't it?" 

"I hate that part of adulthood. I hate the knowledge that love isn't always enough, you know? All the love in the world, and things can and do end still. That's not really how it's supposed to be. Not that I ever had a fairy tale view of love and marriage," Jackie scoffed.

"Do you want to get married?" Jan asked.

"Janice I'm flattered, but I don't think it's the right time," Jackie joked.

"You're infuriating!" Jan laughed.

"I always kind of just figured I  _ had  _ to get married. Whether or not I wanted to is a whole other story. I don't know if I've ever really thought about if it was something I wanted," Jackie admitted.

"I love weddings," Jan gushed. "I always pictured this big white wedding with a million flowers and a harpist."

"The Italian Catholic ray of sunshine wants a big wedding?" Jackie asked, pretending to be shocked. "I'm utterly shocked!"

"Oh shut up," Jan laughed, swatting at Jackie's arm playfully. "I just love that there's a whole day for love. A whole party. Everything about the wedding is for love. It just feels magical."

"Until the divorce. Or worse, until they need a divorce yet refuse to get one. Not trying to be too cynical and far too Jackie. But I guess I just don't think marriage itself is quite as magical as you do," Jackie explained with a small smile.

"Well, you don't have to believe in magic. I'll believe in it for both of us, because you make me feel magical," Jan said, with a wide grin showing her teeth.

"It's not about not believing in magic. You make me feel magical, Jan," Jackie admitted quietly. "I've said it before. You're magic to me. It's the whole marriage thing. It's a reason that getting married to you would freak me out. Cause I can't imagine staying with you without being in love, or having to get a divorce."

"But breaking up and hating each other can happen even if people don't get married," Jan pointed out.

"Yes bitch exactly!" Jackie exclaimed, making Jan snort laugh. "Now you know why I'm on edge around you all the time! I like you so much that I'm on perma-alert that it's too good to be true and we could break up at any second!"

"Is it exhausting being you?" 

"Always," Jackie laughed. "Absolutely always."

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we have it! A chapter full of projection as always haha! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Comment! Critique! Let me know how you feel about anything and everything!!


	28. You Come to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At the beginning of second year, Jackie realizes that her psychology TA is very familiar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not me absolutely pretending that med school classes are structured exactly the same as undergraduate classes for the sake of the plot!!
> 
> Anyway, thank you all for sticking with this story. It means absolutely everything to me. This chapter was pretty fun to write so I've been really psyched (pun intended as you shall see haha!) to share this one!
> 
> Cheers!!

Jackie and Jan had different opinions of small group seminars, as they tended to have about most things regarding education. 

It wasn't that Jackie didn't see the value of splitting the classes into smaller groups of usually less than twenty people and letting them discuss the lecture material with a facilitator present. Pedagogically, Jackie preferred seminars in small groups to actual group work - which Jackie felt had little academic value. She just hated the course work that came along with seminars. They were where all the debates and presentations took place. Seminars were where students had to give mini lectures to their own disinterested peers. Seminars were full of debates and insufferable boys who felt they should be allowed to talk non-stop when it was an open forum setup. Even though Jackie was a great speaker and an even better debater, she just found the whole thing draining. She hated how heated she got, she hated that most of the students didn't pay attention to each other, and she hated every boy who tried to flex their knowledge on everyone in the class.

Jan, on the other hand, loved an open forum, and she was always eager to speak and give her opinions when asked. She also got joy from letting the aggressive boys know that they interrupted someone - she was always happy to be an ally to people who didn't like to talk. When Jan was getting her Bachelor’s degree, she often went out of her way to sit with shy students in seminars, and let them pass her notes with questions or comments on them, so she could voice them. It was a win-win situation for Jan. She got 100% participation marks for every seminar, and she got to chatter. 

When the women had psychology in the first semester of their second year, they were both happy to see they would at least be in the same seminar group. Jackie liked that Jan would be able to fight arrogant men alongside her, and Jan liked spending time with Jackie no matter the context. Until the seminar actually started that day, Jackie and Jan expected their psychology seminar to be the best part of second year.

"I haven't taken a psychology class since third year," Jackie lamented as she entered the classroom with Jan. Jan laughed as they found seats together, sipping the iced coffees they'd bought before class. In typical seminar fashion, the desks were arranged in a “U” shape, with one desk at the front that was saved for the teacher’s assistant that would be leading the session. They were all facing each other to encourage the students to have a dialogue. Jan was as excited as Jackie was pre-annoyed. 

"You'll be fine! You're not exactly bad at school," Jan reminded her. “I’m fairly certain that academia is kind of your shit, Dr. Cox. I don’t imagine that you failed any of the psychology classes you had to take for your undergrad.”

"I passed, for sure, but I got away from psychology classes as soon as possible. I literally just did enough so I wouldn't bomb the psychology section of my MCATs. Psychology is where I'm the weakest! Plus open forum is the worst," Jackie whined quietly while Jan giggled.

"You'd think you'd be better at psychology considering you're actually crazy," Jan said with a smirk. 

"Taking Zoloft doesn't make me care enough to remember all of Piaget's shit," Jackie said drily, making Jan laugh a bit too hard for the quiet classroom. A few students looked over at them, but Jackie was starting to be used to it. Her girl was loud. Having attention drawn to them because Jan was loud didn't bother Jackie anymore - it just made her happy to see Jan happy.

"I'll help you, I always did well in psych," Jan said. "I almost decided that’s what I wanted to minor in. I ended up with chemistry though ‘cause my parents and I talked about chemistry being better in the long run. But it was like, this close to being my minor!"

"Which always is weird to think because you hate neuroscience," Jackie teased.

"Psychology and neuroscience are so, completely different! Being into one and dreading the other isn't incongruent," Jan scoffed. “If you think that neuroscience and psychology are so similar, why do you suck at psychology, doll?”

“You are absolutely hateful,” Jackie laughed.

“Yes, absolutely,” Jan said while laughing and sticking her tongue out at Jackie.

"So I'll do your work for the one neuro chapter we do in this class, and you can do the rest of the course work for me," Jackie suggested with a big smile.

"You wish, Cox." Jan rolled her eyes as a blonde woman entered the room and made her way to the front of the class. The woman's cheeks were pink and she looked out of breath. She carried a bright red backpack, a can of Red Bull, and she looked frazzled. All of her things were quickly tossed on the desk designated for the TA and she gave the class a weak smile. Jackie choked on the iced coffee she was drinking when she realized that she recognized the TA.

"Sorry everyone, my seminar before this one is on the exact opposite side of campus. And I'm a smoker," the TA said, breathing deeply and letting out a too familiar guffaw. Jan laughed along with the class at the comment, and Jackie realized that Jan probably didn't recognize the woman. It didn’t take very long for Jackie to catch the TA’s eyes, even though she tried hard to avoid her gaze. At first, the TA’s head tilted in confusion, and she looked as though she was about to say something to Jackie. Internally, Jackie wished that a hole would open up in the floor and swallow her up. The TA, however, said nothing to Jackie. Instead, she addressed the class. 

“My name is Yekatrina Zamolodchikova, but since that's about three mouthfuls, you can all just call me Katya. I'm a first year PhD student here with the department of psychology, and I'm going to be your TA for the semester. For next semester too. I'll be your TA for part two of the class, pending no changes to the staff. I've been a TA for this course and for Dr. Gauthier since I started my Master's, so this is my 4th year leading this seminar. You're in very experienced and very sweaty hands," Katya said with a wide smile. The class laughed along with Katya again, but Jackie still sat silently. 

Jackie felt like she was going to be sick. Her brow was covered in sweat and her heart was racing. Knowing that she had once drunkenly made out with the woman who was going to be grading her - in the subject she was most nervous about - was far too much. The familiar pull towards anxiety and anger was present. For seemingly no reason, Jackie was getting angry. She was mad that Katya was there. She was mad that Katya recognized her. She was mad that Jan was sitting beside her calmly, unaware of how Katya was feeling. It was irrational and starting to consume Jackie. 

"To start, I want everyone to grab a piece of paper and make yourselves a name tag to stick on the front of your desk. I'll eventually remember your names, maybe, but I need somewhere to start. If you need any markers or anything, I have some that you guys can borrow," Katya said as she started rifling through her bag. The rest of the students followed suit, looking for paper and pens, but Jackie did so very slowly. She couldn't get her body to move with any real speed.

"I lent Crystal my glitter gel pens a few days ago," Jan whispered quietly but forcefully to Jackie. "She still hasn't given them back! What am I going to do?"

"Do you not have any pens or anything?" Jackie asked, finally able to turn her head away from Katya and trying to not allow any of her anger to seep out into her voice. Maybe Jackie still had issues with anxious and angry Jackie, but she had learned how to not let that hurt Jan. 

"Well, yes, I have pens and markers," Jan said with a small smile. "But I don't have my  _ glitter  _ pens! How am I supposed to make a good impression if I don't have glitter? How will everyone know what I'm about?"

"Do you have enough purples and blues and reds to do like, a purple gradient or something?"

"This!" Jan exclaimed a little too loudly, causing Katya to look over at them. "This is why I love you, Jacks. You're brilliant!"

"You can borrow my purple if you need another one, I'm just using black," Jackie said as she wrote  _ Jacqueline  _ in bold cursive on her name tag. " _ Jackie _ " was acceptable as the name for her friends and people she loved to call her, but for academic settings, she preferred to go by her full name. And maybe her choice to write  _ Jacqueline _ had to do with Katya, but that wasn’t something she would have admitted to, and it was common across all of her classes. Jan was quite similar, even though she was a lot more whimsical. The thick block letters outlined in black and coloured in different shades of purple said  _ Janice.  _ Any other day, Jackie would have laughed at the juxtaposition her beautiful girlfriend creates by using her full name to maintain professionalism and colouring her name tag with Crayola markers, but Jackie's brain was already back to Katya. 

The blonde TA was walking around the room, peeking at everyone's name tags, trying to commit the names to memory. She was bright and happy meeting all the students, offering them all a greeting and sometimes a quip. Her smile was perfect, and Jackie realized in the light of the day, Katya really was as beautiful as she remembered. Apparently, Jackie had a thing for brilliant, stunning women. 

"Hello Janice," Katya said with a smile as she made her way over to where the women were sitting. 

"Good morning, Katya! I'm excited to take this course, I didn't have any psych classes in first year and I missed them so much," Jan gushed happily. She was always the charmer, always trying to be in good with her teachers. Jackie almost rolled her eyes. 

“God, you’re so full of sunshine you could make me interested even the most heinous psychology topic... like Freud! I dig that. I think you and I are going to get along great, Janice.” Katya offered her a warm, sincere smile. Jan offered one in return, and told Katya that she also hoped they would get along great.

"And hello to you, Jacqueline," Katya said, raising her eyebrow once she met Jackie’s eyes. 

"Hey," Jackie said curtly. Jan turned her head quickly to look at Jackie. In all the classes they'd had together, Jan had never heard Jackie address a teacher so flippantly. Instead of addressing it, Katya smirked and continued walking to greet other students. 

"Hey?" Jan repeated back at Jackie quietly

"Yeah," Jackie said with a forced laugh. "What was I supposed to say?"

"Usually you're as much of an ass kisser as I am," Jan said. Jackie put her hand to her chest, feigning shock and offence. "You're just not gonna like… try and out shine me here?"

"Why bother? I'm terrible at psych," Jackie said a huff.

"You're being weird," Jan said, scrunching her nose and furrowing eyebrows together. Jackie just shrugged and turned her attention back to the front of the room. Katya had made her way back to her desk in order to start their class. She began her instruction, and in another world, Jackie would have thought that Katya was going to be a good TA. She offered quite a few office hours, she made the syllabus very clear, and of course she had a good amount of experience. The discussions on day one of classes or seminars were never that intense, but Katya was especially light and breezy. The class laughed a lot, even as Katya was reading the anti-plagiarism policy, because she made sure to poke fun. Katya was an approachable TA and she was sure her fellow students were going to take advantage of her sensibilities. 

Once their class was over, Jan had to rush to her next class. She made sure to make a joke to Katya about her opposite-side-of-campus class as she left the room - making Katya laugh her violently loud laugh. Jackie had her next class in half an hour and in the same area of campus so she didn't rush away. She has been hopeful that Katya would have to leave quickly, but she wasn't that lucky. Instead, when the class was nearly empty, Jackie was alone with Katya.

"Pretty kitty, I didn't know you were a doctor," Katya said with a smirk.

"I didn't know you were a PhD candidate," Jackie responded with a shrug. 

"Just a student, mama," Katya countered. "Not a candidate yet. Hopefully candidacy comes soon, but not yet. I'm gonna go for a smoke break, do you want to come with me?"

Jackie didn't say anything, but she found herself following Katya. They both moved silently through the hall until they made their way to a smokers pit. Katya took a deep breath before lighting a cigarette and offering it to Jackie. Again, Jackie found herself following Katya. Hoping that it would at least steady her anxious breathing, Jackie inhaled deeply, letting the smoke fill her lungs. Katya quickly lit one for herself and joined Jackie in filling her lungs. 

"Why didn't you mention you knew me?" Jackie said curiously. "When you came over to talk to me." 

"I'm a professional," Katya said incredulously. "What was I going to say? Hey remember that time I sucked on your tongue until your friend cockblocked me when we were drunk at a party?"

"Fair," Jackie said as she blushed furiously.

"I mean, it's weird for me too. I almost hooked up with a student!" Katya exclaimed with a laugh.

"Presumptuous," Jackie scoffed.

"But correct," Katya teased. Again, Jackie just blushed deeply. Truthfully she didn't know if Katya was correct. Had Jan not found them and been extremely jealous, would Jackie have slept with Katya? She couldn't be sure. Everything was so confusing at that time, even if it was when she started to feel a lot less embarrassed about her sexuality. But she knew that Katya wasn't out of line for what she'd said.

"I'm sorry that it's awkward," Jackie said softly as she took another inhale from the cigarette.

"I'm nothing if not rotted and awkward," Katya said, earning a powerful laugh from Jackie. The girls shared silence for a few seconds while they both let a bit of comfort grow between them.

"What are you studying? Like what are you going to hopefully write your dissertation about?" Jackie asked.

"Alcohol addiction and its comorbidity with ADHD in women," Katya said with a smile.

"Wow," Jackie breathed. "What made you decide that?"

"You know how authors say to write what you know?" Katya laughed, catching Jackie off guard with her self-deprecating joke. "It has to be the same thing for the sciences, right? I mean it almost killed me so I better get something good out of it. Or maybe if people really start studying it, that combination won't have to hurt other people one day."

"That's incredible," Jackie said. 

"What about you Doctor… I know your last name from my list but I forgot."

"Cox," Jackie said. 

"Oh, no thanks," Katya said with a smirk.

"Oh my god, you're annoying," Jackie groaned as she gave Katya's shoulder a shove. As Katya let herself be twisted slightly by the shove, she laughed and brought out a powerful laugh from Jackie.

"Doctor Cox. That's a character in  _ several  _ pornos I've seen," Katya teased.

"You're actually not coming for me over my name, right Yekateina Zamolodchikova?" Jackie said with a chuckle.

"You not only remembered, but you said it correctly. Mama, you're a genius."

"Well, I pay attention to the teachers that I've wrapped my legs around," Jackie said drily, making Katya laugh so hard she stumbled.

"I'm sorry it's awkward for  _ you _ ," Katya said, repeating Jackie's earlier sentiment. Instead of saying anything, Jackie just smiled weakly and shrugged. 

“I mean it’s probably the same level of awkward for both of us,” Jackie admitted. “Although my girlfriend is in the class, so maybe I do win.”

“I thought I remembered her! She’s your friend that halted my hookup game!” Katya squealed. 

“One and the same,” Jackie laughed.

"Her hair is different, that's why I wasn't sure it was her."

"Yeah she was blonde then," Jackie nodded.

“Mama, she is stunning,” Katya breathed. “You have excellent taste. I mean, I already knew that because, you know, look at me.”

“Absolutely,” Jackie agreed with a laugh.

“We’re both grown women. I’m sure that both of us can move through this semester without any awkwardness. At least we addressed it, and it’s not a big deal. It’s not like either of us are hopelessly obsessed with the other or it’ll cause any issues. It’s just gonna be a normal and easy class, right pretty kitty?” Katya laughed.

“It might be hard for you to focus though, considering how great of a kisser I am,” Jackie teased as she finished her cigarette. 

“Rotted!”

**

"Why were you so weird in class today?" Jan said as the two sat outside together. They both had a break in their day in the late afternoon, so they opted to take a snack break together. As they had purchased coffees and pastries, Jan had talked about her classes, so Jackie had assumed that maybe Jan was over the awkwardness that she had seen between Katya and Jackie. However, Jackie should have known better. Once they were sitting in the warm September sun, enjoying the fresh air and the breeze, Jan was already questioning her.

"Jan, I'm gonna tell you something, but you can't get mad," Jackie mumbled.

"I hate these conversations," Jan sighed, putting down her coffee and looking intently at Jackie.

"Do you remember that Halloween party we went to in October?" 

"Not well," Jan admitted.

"What do you remember?"

"Sitting on your face mostly," Jan teased. Jackie rolled her eyes but Jan's quip did make her smile. "Why do you ask? If you want me to sit on your face again, I'm done class at 6!"

"Oh my god, Janice!"

"Shall I pencil you in?"

"Do you remember the girl I was..." Jackie said, trying to redirect. If she was going to have to spend at least a semester with Katya and Jan together, she wanted to be honest. Jackie was just extremely worried that Jan was going to hate her.

"Making out with and trying to fuck in front of everyone? Yes, I remember. Thank you for reminding me," Jan whined. She was clearly being silly, but it still made Jackie's anxiety spike.

"So that was Katya," Jackie said before she could chicken out.

"Katya?" Jan clarified. 

"Yeah."

"Like, our TA? Our psychology TA?" Jan was completely flabbergasted.

"Yep," Jackie nodded, avoiding Jan's eyes.

"Are you joking?"

"That's why I was weird. Are you mad? I'm sorry Jan," Jackie started.

"Why would I be mad?"

"What?"

"We weren't together," Jan said softly. "And it's not like you knew. It wasn't like you cheated or anything like that. It wouldn't be fair if I was mad at you, right?"

"I don't know if it would be fair," Jackie said earnestly.

"It wouldn't be," Jan reassured her.

"She recognized me and I recognized her. She kept looking over at me which is why I was all anxious and angry. It was embarrassing and weird. I hate the idea of her grading me, you know? I know neither of could have predicted this, but still. Do you know what I mean?" Jackie asked.

"Yeah, I get that," Jan agreed.

"After you left for class I went outside to talk with her for a little. Clear the air, or whatever. We talked for a little while. She's really nice. It really doesn't seem like she is going to make things weird. I told her about you and I," Jackie said.

"You told her about us?" Jan asked.

"Of course," Jackie said, astonished that Jan would even ask

"You told her, you told me, you were open about everything. What on Earth could I be mad at, Jacks?" Jan asked, reaching to grab Jackie's hand. She squeezed Jackie's hand tightly three times.

"This feels like the kind of thing that people fight about," Jackie sighed.

"It probably is. But people fight over a lot of stupid shit. It's not about if I'm okay! You made out with someone who turned out to be your teacher. Are  _ you  _ okay? Like that's got to be weird," Jan said.

"Yeah, it is, but she seems like she's going to be fine about it honestly. It wasn't like she called me out or anything," Jackie pointed out.

"Are you going to be fine about it?"

W"Whatdo you mean?" Jackie asked.

"Can anxious and angry Jackie be okay with this?"

"I'm pretty sure. For the sake of my future and because Katya is going to ignore it, I think it won't be too big of a deal."

"You ended up going home with someone else all together anyway," Jan said, the chaotic, flirty lilt that Jackie loved so much present in her voice. 

"Lucky for me, some little devil showed up and interrupted," Jackie laughed. 

"I guess it was lucky for her too," Jan smiled.

"You're so cheesy," Jackie groaned.

"And yet you love me," Jan taunted.

"And yet I love you," Jackie agreed. It felt nice to know that Jan wasn't angry. It took such a load off of Jackie's mind. Maybe it was irrational for her to worry about Jan being mad, but Jackie couldn't help it. She worried. That was what she did. Jan was right that it probably would have been unfair for her to be angry about something that she didn't understand or know was going to happen. Jan wasn't angry. That would have been unfair. 

But, that didn't mean that the revelation didn't hurt Jan just a little bit. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we go!!! 
> 
> I hope that you all enjoyed this one and that you all continue to enjoy the things I'm posting! This is such a long fic but it really feels like a bunch of different stories tied together in my mind...if that makes sense?? So I hope the length isn't killing it for anyone!!! I'm also drafting something new eeee!!
> 
> Anyway, comment! Review! Critique! Tell me about your day! Anything! Your comments absolutely sustain me!!!!
> 
> Cheers!


	29. Come to me Wild and WIld

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As a part of their on-going commitment to being mature, Jan confesses to Jackie that she has some anxiety surrounding Katya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anybody order a heaping helping of fluff and emotional maturity? That's all we've got this week! I initially had this conversation going a lot more angst-ish, but I felt like not only was that a disservice to the characters, but it was also the world is angsty enough right now. It was a lot more fun to write happiness!! 
> 
> Out of character for me too, haha! 
> 
> I hope you all like this little slice of cute friendship and romance!
> 
> Cheers!!

"I'm being stupid," Jan said for the hundred and fiftieth time. After she had arrived home from class, she explained to Jaida and Crystal that Jackie  _ hadn't _ slept with their shared teacher's assistant. The three roommates all agreed that there was no reason for Jan to be angry. The three roommates all agreed that the not-even-a-real-tryst had taken place well before their officiality. The three roommates all agreed that it didn't matter anyway because Jackie took Jan home that night, and chooses Jan every day. The three roommates agreed that Jackie and Jan were in a great place in their relationship.

But Jan was still hurting. She couldn't help it. 

"You aren't being stupid," Crystal disagreed. "It's not like you're angry. It would be stupid for you to be angry at Jackie." 

"I know," Jan agreed.

"And you're not gonna make Jackie feel bad about it obviously," Crystal continued.

"Of course not! I wouldn't ever do that to her."

"And you're still going to do well in the class," Crystal said.

"Definitely," Jan agreed.

"But you're still incredibly bummed out," Jaida said.

"Incredibly," Jan sighed. "I just want to cry! You guys should see her. Katya is beautiful. And she's a brilliant Ph.D. student!"

"Yeah too bad you're an uneducated troll," Jaida teased.

"It's not like Jackie has a type," Crystal said sarcastically.

"But she's mature! She smokes!" Jan argued.

"What are you, fifteen-year-old me on your Tumblr aesthetic blog?" Crystal laughed. "You're suddenly impressed by cigarettes?"

"You know what I mean!" Jan whined.

"You have nothing to worry about," Jaida said, shaking her head. "You and Jackie have been through a lot over the last year. She isn't going to leave you for some girl she Frenched at a party once. And if she did leave you or cheat on you, well, whoever wrecked Stephen's car could probably wreak havoc on Jackie."

"It's not even that I'm worried that she's going to leave me or cheat on me necessarily. I don't even know what I'm upset about! And upset even feels like too much of a word. It's just weird," Jan sighed.

"You've had other girlfriends though. It's not like you were virgins when you met each other," Jaida scoffed.

"If what Gigi told me about Jackie's pre-Jan sexual experiences is true, she might as well have been a virgin," Crystal said with a smirk.

"Shady!" Jaida laughed.

"And it's not like she even fucked her!" Jan exclaimed, choosing to ignore Crystal's joke at Jackie's expense. 

"Is it the fact that she's grading you?" Jaida asked.

"I mean, I guess that's part of it," Jan agreed somewhat.

"That's got to be a lot more nerve-wracking for Jackie though," Crystal said. 

"Chile', could you even imagine? That would be horrible!" Jaida laughed. "That's so uncomfortable. I think there are a few people that I've kissed who would fail me just for the fun of it!"

"If I was grading you, Jaida, I would also fail you for the fun of it," Crystal said, making Jaida roll her eyes.

"I think I'm just spoiled," Jan suggested.

"How so?" Crystal asked.

"I live in such a school and friends bubble," Jan explained. "Like, I don't venture into the rest of the world very often. My whole world is so coloured by Jackie. She's either usually here or I'm at her place. We're in the same classes 90% of the time. We study together. I mean, my roommates are sleeping with her friends! She's like an invasive species in my life."

"Your girlfriend is a zebra muscle," Jaida teased.

"Romantic," Crystal laughed.

"But sometimes I forget that she's not just my Jackie. She's a whole entire person. She's a whole entire  _ hot  _ person that other people look at. Everything Jan and Jackie seems so blended that it's so hard for me. She's not just an extension of me, but I am so spoiled by all things Jackie. Does that make sense?" Jan asked.

"It does," Crystal agreed. "So why don't you talk to her about it instead of just pretending the whole thing doesn't bug you? Because knowing that you have no reason to be angry is one thing, but ignoring it something else altogether. It's adult of you to not cry and be an asshole about it, but it's immature to just pretend it isn't painful for you."

"That's… surprisingly insightful," Jaida said suspiciously. "Did you read that off a fortune cookie or something, girl?"

"I know some things!" Crystal said defensively. 

"Don't you think that's kind of unfair? Isn't it unfair to put this on Jacks?" Jan asked.

"No," Jaida disagreed. "Even if the reason was dumb as hell, I would like to know if Nicky was sad. It's kind of a couple's thing, right? You're there for each other even if it's fucking stupid. We are supposed to look out for each other. That's kind of like, the whole fucking point."

"Yeah, I'm with Jai," Crystal said. "I would rather know what I'm up against. And just because it seems dumb to me, it doesn't mean it's dumb to her. Swiss Chalet changed their chicken strips and it broke Gigi's heart. It was stupid, but it bummed her out. She was all sad about it, and even though it was literally the most pointless sadness I could imagine... I'm here for her."

"But I don't think I'm putting Jackie up against anything," Jan pointed out.

"Not intentionally, but wounds fester," Crystal countered. 

"Yeah, and they get full of puss," Jaida laughed.

"How would I even bring this up? Hey Jackie, you know how you didn't have sex with Katya? Well, it turns out that I'm sad about that," Jan said, putting on a squeaky, silly-sounding voice. 

"Yes, just like that," Crystal said sarcastically.

"Just say it's weird," Jaida suggested.

"Maybe I should," Jan finally agreed.

**

Jackie tried to put the day's events behind her and bury herself in homework. As thankful as she was that Jan wasn't angry, Jackie still knew that the situation was less than ideal. After talking with Katya, Jackie felt like the TA wasn't going to hold their experience together against her, but it wasn't comfortable. And there were no other seminar sections with open seats, so it wasn't as though Jackie could just switch. Because she had checked.

Nicky and Gigi hadn't been especially helpful about the situation - not that Jackie felt like there was anything that they could do to be helpful. But they didn't make it better. On the contrary, when she told her friends about Katya, they found it funny. They did make sure that Jackie wasn't in panic mode before they laughed, but they did end up laughing. Because it  _ was _ funny. It really was. The irony wasn't lost on Jackie that she had only ever kissed two women, and they both kept appearing in her classes.

After a little while of studying, Jackie heard a knock on her bedroom door. Assuming it was Nicky coming to see if they wanted to do something for supper together, Jackie just yelled for the knocker to come in. Instead of Nicky coming in to complain about cooking and ultimately deciding to order something, she saw Jan standing in the doorway with a small smile.

"Hey doll," Jan said.

"I thought you had plans with your girls tonight!"

"Not happy to see me?" Jan teased.

"I'm always happy to see you," Jackie said softly, jumping out of her seat. She sprinted over to Jan and grabbed her face, pulling it close. Their lips met in a soft kiss. Even though they were very seldom separated - and never for very long - Jackie still felt like it was wrong when they were apart.

"Listen," Jan began after she indulged in the kiss for longer than she had intended to. Her plan was to lay out her misguided feelings to Jackie quickly so they could move away from the situation.

"You sound serious," Jackie said, sounding confused.

"I am going to be serious for a few minutes," Jan nodded. 

"Are you okay?"

"I need to preface this by saying that I'm being irrational. I'm being extremely stupid and irrational and silly. I am completely aware of how I am coming off and how I'm acting. And also I'm not mad. I need to emphasize that anger is not my current emotion, okay?" Jan said quickly.

"It's about Katya," Jackie guessed correctly.

"I'm sad about the whole thing!" Jan exclaimed. "Well, maybe not sad. I don't even know the word for it. But I'm... something. I'm feeling chagrin or something. Like, sad-embarrassed-didn't-get-my-way."

"Jan, I really am sorry that-"

"There is absolutely no reason for you to be sorry!" Jan said loudly. She was dancing on the edge between talking loudly and yelling, but she very much didn't want to cross that line because it wouldn't be fair to Jackie. 

"I wish it didn't happen," Jackie said softly.

“But you shouldn’t feel like that,” Jan countered. “It was like, the only other woman that you’ve ever been with.”

“I wasn’t even with her, Jan,” Jackie said with a cringe.

“Okay, bad choice of words,” Jan admitted. 

“Jan, I feel really awful,” Jackie said.

“See, this is the problem!” Jan exclaimed. “I don’t want you to feel awful. It isn’t a big deal. It’s been almost a whole fucking year. And you didn’t sleep with her. And you didn’t cheat on me. And there’s actually no problem at all! But I’m just sad. I am being so unbelievably selfish!”

“So how do I fix this?”

“Why would you be the one who needs to fix this?” Jan asked.

“Because I kissed Katya,” Jackie said.

“Both of our self-esteem issues are not meshing well,” Jan huffed. “You’re completely programmed to think that everything is your fault and hate yourself for everything that you do, especially when it comes to the dykey stuff. And I’m jealous and needy and wish I was as pretty as Katya and-”

“What? You wish you were as pretty as Katya?” Jackie was blindsided. It wasn’t as though Jackie didn’t know that Jan had some issues. And things were still rocky for Jan after being harassed by Stephen. But Jackie hadn’t heard Jan express this kind of self-esteem issue out loud. Maybe it was unfair, but Jackie always felt like Jan was just self-assured about her looks. 

“She’s gorgeous,” Jan sighed. 

“You are gorgeous,” Jackie said.

“But she’s-”

“Jan, I think that Katya is cool. She’s a nice person. Super weird and a chain smoker, but she’s really nice. I think that you’d like her a lot if you got to know her. But I love you. I am in love with you. You’re the reason I actually know who I am. And beyond that, superficially, I think you’re hot. Mouthwateringly so. I would like to spend the rest of my life hanging out with you, saving lives, and choking on your strap-on,” Jackie teased. Her cheeks were red from her own joke, but she wanted to make Jan laugh. The little jest worked, causing Jan to laugh.

“You’re gross,” Jan said, smiling slightly and feeling her own cheeks also turn pink.

“The situation totally sucks. I even tried to transfer seminars,” Jackie said.

“Why would you transfer?”

“Would you want to be graded by someone you made out with?” Jackie asked, raising her eyebrows.

“Some of the girls I’ve made out with would give me excellent grades,” Jan said with a smirk. “If you were grading me, would you give me a good grade?”

“What am I grading you on?” Jackie asked.

“Jacks! You’re my girlfriend! You’re supposed to say that you’d give me an A+ on whatever you’re grading me on!” Jan laughed.

“That would ruin the grading curve,” Jackie scoffed. "There are some things you wouldn't get an A+ on."

“You are such a pain in the ass,” Jan whined.

“Look, Jan, I really don’t know where to go with this. I’m used to being the sad and angry one,” Jackie explained. “And it’s not even that I’m saying you’re angry or sad. I'm not accusing you of that, okay? I’m just used to being the one who is feeling confused and messy.”

“I much prefer it when you’re the messy one,” Jan joked.

“No you don’t,” Jackie laughed. “At least you’re not being a massive cunt to me. I’m mean as hell when I’m the messy one. You’re just… you’re mature. You just come over and tell me how you’re feeling. I wish that this was how I dealt with feeling messy.”

“It’s not for lack of trying to be a mean cunt,” Jan said with a smirk. “Internally, I want to sit on the floor and bawl my eyes out until you dote on me and apologize over and over. Even though there is absolutely nothing for you to apologize for. But I can’t let that part of me out. It’s too much. It doesn’t even make sense to feel that way. And you’re always way too volatile for me to lash out for no reason.”

“That was a bit mean and cunty!” Jackie laughed. “But you’re right. It means a lot to me that you always try to address things maturely.”

“Theresa always said that she and my dad were good together because they knew how to fight. They were able to fight with each other in a way that didn’t hurt each other. Fights happen. Getting mad or having issues is unavoidable when you live with someone or love someone. But avoiding being mean is important. And Crystal and Jaida both said that I had to be honest with you. So I was just really taking advice from people who know love and affection better than I do,” Jan rambled on. The way she could always talk was something that Jackie loved. Growing up in silence was hard, so being surrounded by volume made Jackie a lot more comfortable. She had once said that she loved the way Jan droned on and on, which almost hurt Jan’s feelings. But explaining why she loved dating a chatty girl was easier said than done.

“Jaida and Crystal know love and affection better than you do?” Jackie asked.

“Okay, fair, they're both pretty clueless,” Jan laughed. “But their point was valid.”

“Why is talking always the right answer?” Jackie sighed exasperatedly, but jokingly. 

“Exhausting, isn’t it?”

“But I do need to know what I can do to help,” Jackie said. “I know, more talking. But I don’t want you to feel bad about yourself about the situation.”

“That isn’t your fault,” Jan said. 

“It isn’t about fault,” Jackie explained. “It’s about my girlfriend feeling some self-doubt.”

“She’s just gorgeous,” Jan whined. “And as you said, she’s cool. I’m not cool. Katya is the kind of girl I could imagine you being with. She’s so funny and she’s going to be a doctor! She's so fancy.”

“I understand that you’re reeling, but Jan, you’re in medical school. The other things, you’re allowed to feel self-conscious about. But you can’t be jealous that Katya is a Ph.D. student. You’re literally going to be an MD,” Jackie laughed. 

“Stop,” Jan laughed. “That’s fair. But I just picture you being with someone cool. You’re cool. You speak three languages and you’re so pretty and you’re so smart and fun and you’re incredibly cool.”

“It doesn’t matter who you picture me with,” Jackie pointed out. “Because you’re with me. You could picture whatever you want. But we’re together. You’re my girl, Jan.”

“Why are you this good to me?” 

“I love you,” Jackie said simply.

“It’s still going to be weird,” Jan said. 

“Oh, absolutely,” Jackie said with a smile. 

“I’m still a bit intimidated by her,” Jan said.

“I am too,” Jackie laughed. “After class when I talked to Katya, I smoked with her. Like I fully smoked a cigarette with her.”

“That’s disgusting,” Jan giggled.

“Isn’t it? She really is cool, so I just was smoking with her!” 

“If you smoked with her-”

“I love you. Janice Maria Mantione, I love you. You are the reason I came out. You are the reason I survived the worst year of my life. You are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep. My whole life, I’ve focused on the future insomuch as I wanted to be a doctor. That’s all I knew I wanted. Nothing else was my choice. But I chose you. I choose you every day. And if I get to have you in my life, that’s what I want. If I had to give up being a doctor to guarantee a life with you, I think I honestly would,” Jackie said. She felt like she might sound dramatic, but it felt right. She felt like Jan was the endgame. 

“Nobody would ask you that!” Jan laughed. 

“A pretty girl who smokes wouldn’t get me to throw away the most lovely part of my life,” Jackie said.

“This is all too saccharine,” Jan groaned, but her heart was full. 

“Just because you’re a strong, hot doctor doesn’t mean that sometimes you don’t need to feel loved and validated. Let me validate you,” Jackie said softly, grabbing Jan’s hand and squeezing it tightly. 

“Validate me,” Jan said, leaning in to plant a soft kiss on Jackie’s lips. Jackie leaned in and deepened the kiss, using her mouth to impart as much love onto Jan as possible. All she wanted was for Jan to feel assured. She needed Jan to understand how much she needed her. 

“I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize us,” Jackie said in between small kisses that she planted on Jan’s lips.

“I know that,” Jan said, moving to straddle Jackie and turning the kisses from soft and supportive to hot and passionate. “It’s not about you. It was never about you. Validate  _ me. _ ”

“You’re so hot,” Jackie moaned as Jan started to play with the hem of Jackie's sweater. “God, I want to taste you.”

“That’s better,” Jan groaned. “Touch me. Make me feel better. Make me feel good.”

“Always,” Jackie said with a smirk. If this was how every difficult conversation was going to go between the girlfriends, then Jackie was going to be a lot more comfortable talking about her feelings with Jan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ta-da!
> 
> Some cuteness for the road. I hope you all enjoyed this one. If you'd like to, I would love to hear your thoughts, opinions, and criticisms! Thank you all for reading and always being so supportive! 
> 
> If you haven't seen it, I've started a new Jankie thing, A Chorus Line. It's a totally different vibe and is all about musicals, so if that's not your jam totally ignore it, but if it is your jam, here is some shameless self-promotion!!
> 
> Cheers!!


	30. Give Me Everything I Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie decides to take small steps to work on her mental health issues, as she reflects on how far she has come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this update took a while!  
> 2 Lockdown 2 Furious just ended in my neck of the woods, so work has been absolutely wild. But!! This is here! 
> 
> This update is a little bit of a different way for me to write angst, and I'm actually really excited to share this one here. Soft angst is becoming my new angle with this story and I'm having a lot of fun with this!
> 
> Anyway, I'm totally rambling!
> 
> Cheers!

It had been Jan's idea for Jackie to start going for jogs in the mornings.

Jan always hated the winter. She didn't think that she necessarily had Seasonal Affective Disorder or anything that severe, but she did know her mood and energy levels changed as it got darker and colder. It was pretty common in Canada, and anywhere north for that matter. The lack of light and vitamin D could really do a number on people. When she was in high school, Jan had the idea to get up earlier and run when it was winter. She was able to see the sun more, she was able to feel its warmth, and she was able to move her body. The morning jogs continued through Jan's high school and undergraduate years, and she still tried to run sometimes during her first two years of medical school. Often she was too busy or too tired, but she still needed the sunshine, so she ran whenever she could. 

And Jan thought that Jackie probably needed the sunshine too.

It wasn't as though Jackie's depression was anywhere near its worst, but it definitely had been better managed. Jan couldn't help but notice that even though things were going well for Jackie in their second year of medical school, Jackie was still  _ blah  _ a lot of the time _. _ Maybe it wasn't the reason, but Jan wondered if the October sun setting by 6:30 pm was exacerbating the issue. So she told Jackie about going for runs. Sometimes, Jackie got frustrated with Jan’s suggestions on ways to improve her mental health, but the darkness issue connected with her, even if the running part sounded a little bit terrible. 

_ "What if I just got up and had a coffee and watched the sunrise?" Jackie suggested when Jan brought up her thoughts. There was a part of Jan that expected this to start a little bit of a tiff, but Jackie didn’t dismiss early morning jogs right off the top.  _

_ "I'm sure that would help," Jan shrugged. "But it's kind of a two-for-one. The jogging of it all is a big part of the help. Endorphins and vitamin D." _

_ "I hate running," Jackie said. _

_ "I think even people who love running hate running on some level," Jan laughed. "When I was a high school athlete I still hated running. But you and I both know how important exercise is for improving your mental health." _

_ "Everything that's good for improving mental health is the worst," Jackie whined, getting another laugh from Jan. _

_ "That's true," Jan agreed. _

_ "Limit my caffeine intake, speak to a therapist, exercise, regulate my sleeping patterns, don't abuse substances, eat vegetables," Jackie listed dramatically. "Do you know what's more fun?" _

_ "Drinking coffee, never going to therapy, sitting, not sleeping, using drugs and alcohol mindlessly, and eating pizza?" Jan suggested. _

_ "Yes, specifically those things!" Jackie joked.  _

_ "Look, it's just an idea," Jan explained. "It's okay if you don't think it'll help. You know your mental health better than I know it. But I just don't like the idea of you struggling without offering some help. I want to try. Even if it doesn't help, I don't know." _

_ "You don't have to fix me," Jackie scoffed. _

_ "For the millionth time, I don't want to, nor do I think I can," Jan said with a smile. "All I know is that the sun gives you vitamin D. As a resident of Southern Ontario, you don't get enough vitamin D. If you went for a run right when the sun comes up, you'll see the sunshine more and have more time for the D." _

_ "I think you know that I'm not big on the D," Jackie smirked. _

_ "You're pretty into my D," Jan countered. _

_ "Okay, I'll rephrase this stupid joke," Jackie teased. "I'm only into a D if it's pink, sparkly, and belongs to you." _

_ "The pink one is your fav? I thought the green vibrating one-" _

_ "I appreciate the concern," Jackie said, feeling her thoughts quickly go over to Jan wearing a green strap instead of a much-needed conversation about her mental health. "I really do. I've always had to self-advocate when it came to my anxiety and depression. So it's really cool that you have any to share your ideas with me. Even though I don’t always show it. I really do appreciate you trying to support me." _

_ "Even if you don't love the going for a run thing, I want you to know that I'm here for you," Jan said softly. "If I can help you in any way, I want to. We are a team. We both know I can be a bit abrasive and overly enthusiastic. And sometimes I can be a bit pushy because I get too excited. But I just want to be on your team. I just want to help you, okay? I love you." _

_ "I know," Jackie said with a small smile. Over the last year, she began to really feel it was true. She felt like she had a support system. Nicky and Gigi were her first closest and best friends on which she built her found family. And then she met and fell for Jan, who brought Jaida and Crystal into the mix. There were also professors who loved her, and she was starting to have a healthy friendship with Katya. Even without her parents, Jackie felt like she completely wasn't alone. She felt loved. _

And that's how Jackie found herself running that morning.

Jackie had borrowed an old pair of running shoes from Nicky, she had a  _ Queen's University  _ tee, and grey joggers on. She had the old shoes laced up by 7:25 am, and her lungs were burning and annoyed as the sun started to rise at 7:30 am. With every step, Jackie swore internally. With each bounce, each movement, each bead of sweat that ran down her face, she rolled her eyes inside. 

But Jan cared about her. So she ran.

Gigi had a really good playlist for when she did cardio. She had mixed current hip-hop artists with artists from the nineties and the early aughts. Jackie would have preferred to listen to the fun mix of Cardi B and Lil' Kim while doing literally anything else in the world, but it was nice that Gigi shared it. 

_ "I like a mix of different beats per minute, so there are some slow jams," Gigi explained when she shared the list of songs with Jackie. _

_ "The Weeknd is all over this and your sex playlist," Nicky pointed out with a laugh, as she read the songs on the playlist over Jackie's shoulder. _

_ "Both activities are all about raising my heart rate, Nick," Gigi said as she rolled her eyes. Nicky and Gigi were both on board with the sunshine and running plan. On days when she didn't have to work early, Nicky had even offered to run with Jackie if she wanted company. _

As her first run continued, it didn't take long for Jackie's music to disappear into the background of her run. Her own thoughts overpowered Doja Cat and NWA, the sound of her feet pounding against the pavement, and her deep breathing.

Jackie couldn't explain why she had been feeling worse lately. Her relationship with her father hadn't changed. Her grades were just as good as they'd always been, if not even better than she had expected considering both Katya and Jan were helping her with her psychology course. She hadn't adjusted her Zoloft lately or spoken with a psychologist in a while, but that was typical for Jackie. Her sleep schedule was just as strange as usual. Her days were full of coffee and Jackie only ate when she had time. Maybe her life wasn't healthy, but that was typical. That was medical school.

_ "Of all people, I know how hard it is," Jan had said. "But I do want you to make time for you. You've said the same thing to me. You can't just bury yourself in school stuff." _

_ "But you were actually in danger," Jackie pointed out. _

_ "I hadn't started out in danger, it was just being overworked," Jan rebutted. "Things have been hard, Jacks." _

_ "Things have been bad for me for a while. For like, twenty-three years. I shouldn’t be feeling any worse, realistically," Jackie sighed. "It's not like this is new territory." _

Maybe that was the problem though, Jackie wondered to herself. Things weren't getting worse, but they weren't actually getting better. As she ran, Jackie realized how hard she had been neglecting her mental health. Over the last year, there had been so much sadness in her life, but overall she felt happier. She had a support system. She had good grades without the looming pressure of her parents. She was in love. But no matter how the circumstances fell, Jackie was depressed and anxious. Clinically, there were issues with the chemicals in her brain. Her friends and the love of her life didn't cure that. Happiness from feeling self-actualized and depression from a chemical imbalance can coexist far too easily. 

And sometimes, that made Jackie feel guilty. The idea that her life was going well made her feel nauseated sometimes. As her jog continued, she had nausea build inside her. Sometimes, the voice of angry and anxious Jackie felt too heavy to ignore. Even though her mother had passed, the voice was still hers. The voice that told Jackie that she didn't deserve to be happy was still present. All of the worries about her sexuality and of her possible failures still existed, no matter how close to happiness Jackie got. 

_ "Maybe one day, the voice will go away," Jackie had once said to Jan hopefully. _

_ "Maybe," Jan said with a sad shrug. "But maybe it won't." _

_ "Oh good," Jackie said with a snort. _

_ "I don't mean to sound negative! I know it sounds negative. But I just think that sometimes the bad things that happen don't just go away. Sometimes those voices stick around. What's cool is that you can deal with those voices. Like, think of all the times that you were just randomly evil to me cause you were anxious," Jan said. _

_ "That's fair," Jackie agreed despite her desire to flagellate herself further.  _

_ "And you used to be evil to yourself in a different way when you're anxious or sad. Not that things aren't still hard or bad. But you allow yourself to feel happiness and to be loved. That's pretty cool." _

_ "Gross," Jackie said with a laugh. _

_ "Even if you wanna make jokes," Jan said with a smirk."I'm still proud of you, and even if that voice doesn't go away, I'm proud of the ways you've dealt with all the bad stuff." _

Jan was proud of her.

That's what convinced her to be soaked with sweat, as the sun breached the sky and turned the October sky orange. In the long term, Jackie wondered if Jan was right. The cold air felt nice against the sweat on her brow, and the sun was just starting to feel good against Jackie's skin. But sometimes doing work to heal was hard because it reminded you how sick you were.

_ "But what if it gets really fucking bad again?" Jackie yelled, during one of her most intense fights that far with Jan. They fought when Jan suggested Jackie should start going back to therapy. As well-meaning as her comment had been, it set off every alarm bell that Jackie had. It felt like Jan was criticizing her, attacking her mental health, and if Jan thought she was mentally ill and not trying hard enough, was she just going to leave? _

_ "What does that have to do with anything?" Jan yelled back. _

_ "When I go back to therapy and get on new medications and I just get this fucked up again? What I'd I am still a mess? If I do everything to six myself and I'm not good, you're gonna leave!" _

_ "You know me better than that," Jan said aggressively. _

_ "It's not about you, Janice!"  _

_ "If you do all the right things and you still have a mental illness, that's kind of how mental illnesses work!" Jan snapped. "You think I'm going to abandon you now? After everything we've been through!" _

_ "I already fucking said it's about me. You're not listening," Jackie hollered back a Jan. "I am telling you that I am the poison! I am the crazy bitch who made you question our relationship one hundred times!" _

_ "Holy fuck, Jacqueline! I can’t keep having this same conversation and fight with you. Your anxiety making you be mean was like, fifty years ago. Stop holding this over us. I’ve fucking forgiven you!”  _

_ "I haven't forgiven myself!" _

_ “So how am I supposed to deal with this?” _

_ “I don’t know what to fucking tell you,” Jackie yelled.  _

_ "Well, I don't know what to fucking tell you, Jacqueline! You're not that crazy bitch. But right now, you sure are acting like a crazy bitch!" Jan snapped. _

_ "You're okay with me being crazy until I act crazy?" Jackie asked sarcastically. _

_ "That's… that’s not how I meant that," Jan said, turning from angry to sheepish very quickly. _

_ "How did you mean it then?" _

_ "If things get bad," Jan began. "If things get bad, then they'll get better. And then sometimes they'll be bad again and then good the next time. I don't know what to say, Jacks. I love you. If you see a therapist and take meds and do everything right and things are bad, then I'm gonna still try. I've tried when it was hard before, and I'm sure I'll do it again. Just like you've done for me. And I'll do it for you. And you'll do it for me. It wasn’t cool for me to say that you’re a crazy bitch. But the idea that after everything I’m suddenly just going to be gone feels crazy to me! As long as you want to try, let’s try. I want to try.” _

So, Jackie ran. 

Jackie was sick. Jackie was having a very hard time. Jackie was out of shape and overworked and her mental health wasn't at its best. But she has a good support system. She was loved, and she actually wanted to be loved. And things were bad, but they would get better again. And they might get worse. And they'd get better all over again. She could try and navigate her mental health. She could try and she could fail. She was in a comfortable place to learn about herself. 

Even if the shoes that Nicky lent her were a bit snug. Even if she felt like her lungs were going to pop. Even if the back of her red  _ Queen's University  _ tee shirt was soaked with sweat. She could try this. Maybe running wouldn't help. Maybe it was going to feel terrible forever. 

But she could work on herself.

She ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this update! Thank you for putting up with my break again, but regular updates should be back as I've settled into a work routine!
> 
> If you're reading my other current work, A Chorus Line, I hope to have it updated by (at the VERY latest) Friday!! I have an outline done so really it could be any time between now and then haha!
> 
> Again, thank you for reading!! 
> 
> Cheers!

**Author's Note:**

> Ill-advised sexual encounters seem to be becoming a theme in my stories! Oh well. They say write what you know. Haha! Thank you again for reading, and I appreciate every single comment, so if you're inclined to leave one, I would love to know what you think!
> 
> Cheers!


End file.
